Help me figure out how to tell him

[TwinklingPotato]

Hello!

Let me preface this by saying I'm fairly sure I have Stockholm Syndrome, at least on a lower level. My friend showed me some stuff on it and yep, it makes sense..

I have been with my partner almost 13 years. We are unmarried, no children. He owns our home outright (inherited).

I moved in quickly, after a few months. I'd lived with him around 6 months, living off of my savings and his. We had fun, we laughed, it was new and exciting. He then said he didn't feel I was bringing enough to the table, that I should get a job, which I did. I have worked ever since (albeit in various positions climbing a ladder I didn't even realise I was on!). I now earn a good wage for my career.

He is (was) self employed. He stopped working with any regularity within a year of me moving in. The work dried up to some extent, he stopped looking, too. He said he would do the house up (it was very old fashioned!).

For the last three years, he's submitted a zero tax return, before that, he earned less than £2k per year (and that was largely the Covid payments he got, which shows how little he earned before that). I have paid 100% of the bills, food, gifts, all and any purchases for a decade.

He's done the bathroom (not 100% there but more or less), and 70% of the living room. He's also created two spaces for himself in two of the 3 bedrooms. One is a workshop, the other is a room for his hobby.

He is now working on his hobby, because he can, and because I have indulged him. He hopes it will make him some money (it's creative). Since 202 it hasn't, but it has cost (me) a lot in equipment, subscriptions, and software.

He sees no need to get any kind of paid employment. Because if he did, that would mean he would spend the weekends working on the house because he'd be out working all week, and then there would be no point being in a relationship.

Lots of this has come to a head for me recently, and I am really resenting it. I really don't enjoy my current position and would like to leave. doing so would mean a pay cut and he's not a fan of that. He'd rather I was unhappy because it supports us both really well.

I have been looking at houses to rent and have found one, and I really want to go for it.

However, I am racked with guilt and uncertainty.

• Is it better to stay where I am, and keep paying for everything for us both, but not have to worry about paying rent. Though I can't decorate or hang pictures etc., it's very much his house.
• I'm worried about him and how he will survive. He's in his 50s, so my sane mind knows he'll be ok and that he's not my responsibility, but my attached mind is concerned and putting him before me.
• I've sacrificed marriage and having children to sustain this relationship for this long. It started with promises that went nowhere, and now I am childless and in my 40s.
• If I don't praise him he gets angry, if I ask him to consider getting a job, he says that would mean the end of the relationship.

I know the right thing to do is go, I just don't know how to. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to hurt him or throw accusations at him. I've allowed the situation, too.

How should I word it, what shall I say? When? Should I wait until I have somewhere to go, or tell him before? Or should I stay?

Agree. You are already out two nights in a row. Why go back?

OP, I feel you want to leave him with minimal amount of distress to his personal wellbeing at the detriment of your own. But you do not owe him this, you have already given him years of your life and you do not owe him a second more! You can’t make an omelette without cracking a few eggs and yes it is going to jolt him into reality, but you will be able to navigate this from the peace and safety of your own flat.

My mum, sadly, lives half a day's drive away. It's not uncommon for me to go there, he has visited once in the last 7 years with me.

I appreciate what everyone is saying about Sunday - it just works better for me.

Thank you also for the comment re my boss, he is 70 and I work for him and his husband of 27 years, so I think I'm ok!

Yes, quite often late night events but I usually don't stay for all of it, this time though we legitimately have three people off who would support, so it all works out.

I don't actually think he thinks there's anything going on, I think it's just coincidence with the pattern of how the relationship goes.

I'm going to have a lovely time with my mum, pickup some paintings and bits and bobs I couldbt have with DP because he didn't like them/they didn't mean anything to him, and find homes pride of place for them in my new home x

There is no practical reason to go back there on Sunday night, it really makes no sense at all and is dangerous. Even if you don’t think he’s dangerous it’s still unnecessary. Why do it?

Op, can you stay at your mums Sunday night, and Monday night, and phone in sick to work for those days? Your boss sounds really understanding. Then you never have to go back to his place. Spend some time sleeping, buying a nice candle and some lovely things for your new home.

Haha boss is probably safe then xD
That's good. One less thing to worry about. Didn't want you fighting off creeps whilst escaping this jackass.

Good luck with Sunday!

OP, I really think returning on Sunday is needlessly putting yourself in acute danger.

Stop muddying the waters OP - it benefits no-one. Get out and stay out - you know there is no need to dip your toe back in. Seriously.

You have literally no reason to go back Sunday, text staying at mums, so he’s not wondering….
you don’t actually have to tell him you’ve left until you’re ready to, if at all

Please listen to all the advice from others that have been in similar situations. You are clearly a caring / kind person and this is such a big big leap into the unknown. So letting go of your “ security” will feel terrifying.

BUT I have worked with too many women that have been subjected to violence and worse when they have tried to leave a dysfunctional relationship. I cannot tell you how many have said “ I never thought that he would react this way.” You have been subjected to a prolonged and systematic pattern of “abuse.”

Given the information that you have provided there is NO upside to returning on Sunday.

No one here ( including you if you are honest)can say that if you return it will be ok. So please please don’t take that chance that things turn nasty.

YOU HAVE GONE AS OF TODAY!!!!

Have you started writing your text yet? Are we allowed to make submissions? I would like you to say “I’ll no longer be funding your life and you are now responsible for all bills. I know you haven’t got any experience of paying bills but you’ll need to figure it out”.

Please don't go back, I've been thinking and worrying about you all week. You removed all your valuable items. Replace what you need to.

You have no need to return.

I have to ask, why are you going back Sunday?

So close and yet.....so far.

I cannot understand going back Sunday either and I don't know what to think now. I realise it's difficult, but every time it gets to the wire, there is some obstacle or excuse or reason. I'm sure it's all genuine and the OP is in some turmoil. I suppose we just have to shut up, not judge and hope she makes it and doesn't get cold feet. Abuse can lead to co dependency I suppose so I just hope for the best for OP now and hopefully by Monday she will be out.

You go when you feel it’s best for you. You need to do this on your own terms and timeline, only you know when that is. If you feel Monday is the best time to go, then go on Monday.

I feel like this thread has turned into bullying the Op to leave immediately. She has her plans, she is leaving on Monday. And yes ideally she would already be out of there but she has decided when she is going to leave, let's just support her with that.

It just works better for me.
Does it really work better for you or are you just hesitating? What would you do there on Sunday?
Do you have ANY actual need to be there?

You don't owe him anything. On the other hand he owes you thousands of pounds and millions of hours. 13 years of future faking.

Anyway, ignore me. I am just a random on the internet. Please re-read your OP. Your own words and stay strong. Find your anger against this man.

Edited to say I agree with the others. Go on your own time. Just rooting for you and wishing you well. Good luck OP whatever you decide.

TRIGGER below

Sometimes when many people say the same thing - in this case, leave sooner than later - it can seem like it's bullying.

Another way of seeing it is, many people are alarmed and concerned for the OP, they see something that she doesn't, or not clearly.

We've seen that in recent days he's been very complimentary, he has talked about suicide (a known marker of extreme domestic violence and murder), and he has tried to pick a fight. It is clear to many of us - who have experienced the Abuse Cycle - that he's shifting between the Honeymoon to the Tension-Building phases of the Abuse Cycle. Next will come the Explosion phase.

The Explosion coming might be very dangerous for OP. He's already antsy, he senses something is afoot. He has a lot to lose by OP leaving him.

Murder-suicide is sadly common. Non-lethal violent attacks by men on a wife who wants to leave are even more common.

TRIGGER My sister was violently raped by her bf when she left. He also pulled half her hair out while screaming that now no man would want her. It left a massive scalp hematoma. It might have progressed to murder if a passerby hadn't heard her screaming for help and called the police. He'd been coercive and very controlling but she never expected this. She was a complete nervous wreck for years.

OP, what is your reason for coming back and staying the night on Sunday?

Please balance that against the real risk of life-changing violence from him.

You have no need to return to his house tomorrow, you have Monday and Tuesday booked off work and will be in your new home ready for your deliveries.

I doubt you will be able to act ' normal ' around him.

he will be fucking furious when he discovers his meal ticket is leaving him / left him.

furious.

you didn't get the sun longer out of his house, never mind it's two nights just two nights without your new bed and you admit Mum has a lilo or something you can bring back with you tomorrow.

by tomorrow you will have already have spent two nights away from him.

did you not get your clothes and trinkets out the other day when you said you had got a bag out of his house ?

if you did get these items out - do you not realise that by now he KNOWS these clothes and trinkets are not there ?

OP, you are in my thoughts after I've read everything over the past few days. I pray you are safe and comfortable this weekend. Please let us know you are okay with an update.
Btw, Apple AirTags are small physical gps trackers that can be hidden in cars very easily. And phone tracking apps and location sharing is something to be mindful of. He sounds reasonably tech savvy.
I hesitate to say this, as so many already have, but please be careful on Sunday. Here's a proven manipulator, and I have no doubt that he can sense the change in the atmosphere. A safe and free life lay ahead for you xo

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta im so sorry to hear what happened to your sister. That’s awful.

And I agree totally. ALL the evidence is that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving the relationship. Two women a week are murdered by their partner/ex partner and whilst there may have been escalating violence in some cases, it certainly isn’t in all. In fact coercion and control are the hallmarks, rather than violence in isolation.

So OP the reason we are all SCREAMING “please don’t go back” is because you are putting yourself in real and present danger. You might not believe it but equally, you can hardly believe you’re in this position in your relationship anyway so with respect, for the moment your judgement is way off.

Please please don’t go back.

@TwinklingPotato Just waiting for the update that you are safe in your own home. Have a lovely time with your mum.
Please please stay aware of your safety whilst with him. Have everything ready to just flee if necessary - even leaving a car key hidden outside if possible.
Look forward to raising a glass to you. 🥂

@TwinklingPotato ..I have been reading your thread from the beginning, not out of curiosity , but from concern. You , of course , must leave when you are ready to do so, but please read the concerns for your safety from other posters . You may be right , you may be at no risk of harm from him , but on the off chance you are , do not take the risk . You posts indicate he may have an inkling something has changed .
You are now out of the house safely . This trumps anything left at his house . If there is anything of value you can collect it at another time , accompanied by someone who can assure your safety .
I understand your delay is an adjustment process, but please give some thought to not returning tomorrow evening .

Can we stop pestering op to leave before Sunday. She goes when she is ready. He won't know she's leaving if she comes back after being at her mums. If she texted to say she was leaving and then went back, THAT would be risky.

She might as well collect everything while she can because once she's out, she can't go back.
Trust op has her reasons.

I wouldn't be surprised if he had another woman over when she was away tbh considering it sounds like he's been laying the groundwork to cheat. So he may be too focused on covering his own tracks.

Just watch out for any handsy-ness.
I don't like thise sex comments he made before. I wouldn't be sharing a bed with him. Even though I think he was probably just trying to make you think he'd cheat.

Do whatever you feel you need to do.
Just be as careful as possible. Don't be slow to just get in the car and go if you feel any shift in mood or sense of threat.

It’s not pestering to highlight the very real and possible consequences of extending contact with this man.
He is displaying textbook patterns of behaviour that are incredibly concerning.
I worked with victims of domestic violence.

It is alarming that OP is recognising these red flags enough to describe them to us but won’t acknowledge the fact that she is in very, very real danger and seemingly won’t take steps to minimise this danger.

We don’t want OP to be hurt in any way.

That’s not bullying or pestering.