Help me figure out how to tell him

[TwinklingPotato]

Hello!

Let me preface this by saying I'm fairly sure I have Stockholm Syndrome, at least on a lower level. My friend showed me some stuff on it and yep, it makes sense..

I have been with my partner almost 13 years. We are unmarried, no children. He owns our home outright (inherited).

I moved in quickly, after a few months. I'd lived with him around 6 months, living off of my savings and his. We had fun, we laughed, it was new and exciting. He then said he didn't feel I was bringing enough to the table, that I should get a job, which I did. I have worked ever since (albeit in various positions climbing a ladder I didn't even realise I was on!). I now earn a good wage for my career.

He is (was) self employed. He stopped working with any regularity within a year of me moving in. The work dried up to some extent, he stopped looking, too. He said he would do the house up (it was very old fashioned!).

For the last three years, he's submitted a zero tax return, before that, he earned less than £2k per year (and that was largely the Covid payments he got, which shows how little he earned before that). I have paid 100% of the bills, food, gifts, all and any purchases for a decade.

He's done the bathroom (not 100% there but more or less), and 70% of the living room. He's also created two spaces for himself in two of the 3 bedrooms. One is a workshop, the other is a room for his hobby.

He is now working on his hobby, because he can, and because I have indulged him. He hopes it will make him some money (it's creative). Since 202 it hasn't, but it has cost (me) a lot in equipment, subscriptions, and software.

He sees no need to get any kind of paid employment. Because if he did, that would mean he would spend the weekends working on the house because he'd be out working all week, and then there would be no point being in a relationship.

Lots of this has come to a head for me recently, and I am really resenting it. I really don't enjoy my current position and would like to leave. doing so would mean a pay cut and he's not a fan of that. He'd rather I was unhappy because it supports us both really well.

I have been looking at houses to rent and have found one, and I really want to go for it.

However, I am racked with guilt and uncertainty.

• Is it better to stay where I am, and keep paying for everything for us both, but not have to worry about paying rent. Though I can't decorate or hang pictures etc., it's very much his house.
• I'm worried about him and how he will survive. He's in his 50s, so my sane mind knows he'll be ok and that he's not my responsibility, but my attached mind is concerned and putting him before me.
• I've sacrificed marriage and having children to sustain this relationship for this long. It started with promises that went nowhere, and now I am childless and in my 40s.
• If I don't praise him he gets angry, if I ask him to consider getting a job, he says that would mean the end of the relationship.

I know the right thing to do is go, I just don't know how to. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to hurt him or throw accusations at him. I've allowed the situation, too.

How should I word it, what shall I say? When? Should I wait until I have somewhere to go, or tell him before? Or should I stay?

Might be worthwhile to go somewhere for food or coffee after work for the next few weeks before going home...or for a shop or something.
Hopefully he'll be less likely to follow you home after work then.

Completely agree. I was married to one, in the end, he found a new supply, divorced me and now married to her. I was a cash-cow to him. He's been gas love bombing and gas lighting you over the years plus he's done a pretty good job of making sure you know where you stand.

It will probably get harder before it gets easier. There will be a period of grief as you have been with him for quite a while however, remember why you are doing this. You've got so much to look forward to and I wish you well. He will try to convince you to move back I'm assuming - stay strong.

Hi Op,

I've just read this. You are doing the right thing lovely. Don't feel sad for him (hard I know, i've been there). He is not worth anymore of your time. To tell someone if they got ill, the relationship would be over is absolutely disgraceful.

He's treating you no better than a slave. You are in modern day slavery!
Hopefully, you've got everything in place for your new life this Friday and you are managing to get personal belongings out (under the radar) that you are taking with you. I've got everything crossed for you and if he says anything, he deserves to just be told - "i'm ending it".
Hopefully he won't sulk or kick off and should he appear, contact you, harassment is a course of action so record any unwanted contact etc.

You've been bankrolling him for 12 years? Fucking he'll.

Are you planning to tell him face to face ?
if so, do you think it wise?

I don't know you op but having been in your position many years ago I feel ridiculously excited for you.
I completely understand you feeling like you want to leave things ship shape and paided up. I remember being the same, even cleaned the toilet before I left. But like you I was in a fog then and now with hindsight I can see how crazy that was. I feel like I can see things clearly now but it's very difficult while you're still in it.
I loved buying things for my new house and making it mine all mine

Or Edinburgh, and I'll help.

@FluentAquaMoose and @Imsososohungry do you mind me asking how you ended it? how you approached it?

I had a lovely chat with my boss today, who has offered space to store anything I need to. He understood when I said I was just taking clothes and my few little trinkets, I don't want to start quibbling over furniture and all of that, I want to start fresh.

Can't believe it's tomorrow I get the keys! The regret and sorrow is still there, 100%, and he was very sweet and caring this morning, but I know it's all just building up - it's the cycle we go in..

He can probably sense you backing off slightly, and he's trying to reel you back in. (He might be thinking he overdid the guitar!)
It's just part of the game he plays.

Others on here might have some clearer ideas. But, if you are still planning on speaking to him face to face and are confident you won't be putting yourself at risk, then the only thing I'd suggest is being very, very clear about your agenda - what you want to do, what is going to happen. If you want to explain why, then be really clear about this, like a script in your head that you keep reading. If he tries to justify his behaviour or persuade you that you are being unreasonable then act like a politician being interviewed and just keep calmly repeating what you want to say without engaging with his arguments. You might feel better saying something gentle or kind but use it to pivot into what you want to say 'I'm sorry this is going to hurt you but I can't live like this..' or 'I'm sorry we don't agree on what a relationship should look like but this is not what I want for my life.. '

If you want to give him reasons then keep in mind that you are explaining to him only as a courtesy after 13 years together. Keep repeating to yourself that you do not need his agreement that your reasons for leaving are reasonable. Your basic message is that this relationship doesn't work for you any more, and that's all he needs to know.

You may have some tough moments ahead but keep reminding yourself of what a fantastic thing you are doing to put your life back on track. Good luck.

You need to remember sweetie that it is love bombing and gas lighting. It's incredibly subtle at times but then also slaps you round the face like a soggy kipper. It's not going to be easy as his incredibly loving side will whisper in your ear making you doubt everything.
My ex husband was easy as he found a new supply for his cash cow and left as soon as he knew his feet were under the table. He just told me that he'd found someone else, was moving on and wanted a divorce.
My ex boyfriend after that - I was only with him for 18 months but he knew what he was doing with the intense love bombing, gas lighting. I just got up one morning and said that I couldn't do it anymore. It took months for it to be resolved properly due to an intense trauma bond and i've been seeing a counsellor for 18 month now, however I'm stronger but that short intense relationship as well as my marriage has left scars. It takes balls and a deep grit from within, but make sure you are all set as in, have everything that you are taking already out of the house etc, then tell him. Write a letter as you won't be able to explain in depth like you can a letter - see the letter as you helping him to see where it's gone wrong for you both, you can then pass him that or leave it for him. A narcissist will never see it as their issue and it sounds like he is pushing everything onto you. You need to be resolute in this, hold your head and keep reminding yourself of the wonderful new life ahead of you. Don't go back like I did as you need to start all over again to break the bond.
If you need any help etc, don't hesitate to reach out. Thoughts are with you.

He can feel the shift. He said the cruelest things, there were no tears.
The atmosphere has changed. He is being nice as per the cycle of abuse, he is on alert.

Please prepare your leaving announcement.
Dont get side tracked, dont offer solutions,
Just say its not working for you. If he doesn't know why, that in itself is why.
dont apologise,
dont wait for excuses or promises.
tell him if you will be going back for your possessions, after which you will be rectifying council tax etc./ cancelling any contracts etc.
Do not tell him your new address, you can even tell him you are moving away….
Good bye
Exit

Will you tell him as you are going to work so that you have a reason to be out of the house straight away?

A phone call from the car once you’re out? He doesn’t deserve anything more than- though I suspect you’ll disagree….

Wishing you so much good luck for tomorrow @TwinklingPotato

dont apologise

^ This. When you tell him, be factual and don't say sorry, and don't feel you need to justify your reasons for leaving either. You are unhappy, and you don't want to be in a relationship with him any more, so you are leaving. That's it.

I've been following your thread all through, and like everyone else, willing you on to greater things in your new life ahead.

I'm so happy for you

@FluentAquaMoose is spot on about the grief that comes after you leave. It's not insurmountable but you may need support and someone to check in and make sure you're eating and sleeping, and once you're through that (if you experience it), you will feel incredible. Freedom is intoxicating!

It took me 5 years to work up the courage to leave my abusive marriage. I too rented a house and got it readyish before I told my ex husband it was over. I had people on standby to step in if it became violent. I was so mentally prepared to fight and claw my way out after being subservient and seen as less than for so many years.

The excitement and fear of leaving combined into a supercharged adrenaline that helped me to furnish an entire house with second hand finds from Ebay and Facebook. Buy plates and bowls, cutlery. Salt and pepper shakers!

I left my marital home with my clothes, a vase and a cushion.

You can do this. You absolutely can. So many of us have gone before you and walked the path you're now treading. We are with you, a hand gently on your shoulder, a warm smile of encouragement, be that an army you can imagine around you as you leave or the army that are on this thread cheering you on.

Oh, here's a little thing I did when I got the keys to my rented house: I took a picture of them in my hand, just for me. It's been 5 years and that picture is still in my camera roll somewhere. Freedom in a picture. A Sliding Doors moment, if you've seen that. My future path completely changed course in that moment.

You are really bring amazing, OP. Don't let him manipulate your emotions when you tell him. He might try to convince you that you can't manage without him but you absolutely can!

Like someone else said - don’t apologise.

Wishing you the very best. You'll be so proud of yourself when you look back at this time in your life.

Hope your last night there is a peaceful one... excited for your new start tomorrow you will be absolutely fine, better than fine!

Big prosecco and takeaway tomorrow night 🥂

Just double checking ….. you say you need something to sleep on before you move in.,,., does that mean though you’ll get the keys tomorrow, you won’t actually be able to go straight away?

@TwinklingPotato I’ve been following your journey, you have endured a lot! Your new peaceful, beautiful life awaits and trust me, once the dust settles and you have made your place your home, you will wonder why you hadn’t made the leap sooner!

Be safe @TwinklingPotato - it's the most important thing xx