Help me figure out how to tell him

[TwinklingPotato]

Hello!

Let me preface this by saying I'm fairly sure I have Stockholm Syndrome, at least on a lower level. My friend showed me some stuff on it and yep, it makes sense..

I have been with my partner almost 13 years. We are unmarried, no children. He owns our home outright (inherited).

I moved in quickly, after a few months. I'd lived with him around 6 months, living off of my savings and his. We had fun, we laughed, it was new and exciting. He then said he didn't feel I was bringing enough to the table, that I should get a job, which I did. I have worked ever since (albeit in various positions climbing a ladder I didn't even realise I was on!). I now earn a good wage for my career.

He is (was) self employed. He stopped working with any regularity within a year of me moving in. The work dried up to some extent, he stopped looking, too. He said he would do the house up (it was very old fashioned!).

For the last three years, he's submitted a zero tax return, before that, he earned less than £2k per year (and that was largely the Covid payments he got, which shows how little he earned before that). I have paid 100% of the bills, food, gifts, all and any purchases for a decade.

He's done the bathroom (not 100% there but more or less), and 70% of the living room. He's also created two spaces for himself in two of the 3 bedrooms. One is a workshop, the other is a room for his hobby.

He is now working on his hobby, because he can, and because I have indulged him. He hopes it will make him some money (it's creative). Since 202 it hasn't, but it has cost (me) a lot in equipment, subscriptions, and software.

He sees no need to get any kind of paid employment. Because if he did, that would mean he would spend the weekends working on the house because he'd be out working all week, and then there would be no point being in a relationship.

Lots of this has come to a head for me recently, and I am really resenting it. I really don't enjoy my current position and would like to leave. doing so would mean a pay cut and he's not a fan of that. He'd rather I was unhappy because it supports us both really well.

I have been looking at houses to rent and have found one, and I really want to go for it.

However, I am racked with guilt and uncertainty.

• Is it better to stay where I am, and keep paying for everything for us both, but not have to worry about paying rent. Though I can't decorate or hang pictures etc., it's very much his house.
• I'm worried about him and how he will survive. He's in his 50s, so my sane mind knows he'll be ok and that he's not my responsibility, but my attached mind is concerned and putting him before me.
• I've sacrificed marriage and having children to sustain this relationship for this long. It started with promises that went nowhere, and now I am childless and in my 40s.
• If I don't praise him he gets angry, if I ask him to consider getting a job, he says that would mean the end of the relationship.

I know the right thing to do is go, I just don't know how to. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to hurt him or throw accusations at him. I've allowed the situation, too.

How should I word it, what shall I say? When? Should I wait until I have somewhere to go, or tell him before? Or should I stay?

You can smell all the rats you like!

Yes, I am going to pay anything that he might try and throw back at me at a later date. Despite how he is, I do care about him and do not want to leave him up sh*t creek, as it were.

Not sure why you think that is suspicious, mind you..

Yes, I have more than paid my way over the years, but I know him, and I know what he is likely to say. As long as my conscience is clear, I will be able to move on with my held up high.

Anyway, thanks to everyone else for the support!

In case it hasn't been mentioned.... do you have an overdraft facility on your joint account? If so, you need to get it removed and speak to the bank about shutting it down. Don't leave him with the ability to drain you any further!

Thankfully no - no overdraft (it's actually a savings account, not a current account). My work place have changed my payment details, and HR are aware of the situation (they were contacted for a reference, too). I work in a gated workplace so he wouldn't be able to just come in, should he try to.

I have a sole account with a different bank that I've had since being a teenage, so will use that as my main one, I think.

I actually agree with this..
You will leave with your head held high owing him nothing. You are fully paid up and he has absolutely no redress whatsoever.
Good for you.
Sending you a massive virtual hug….you are such a strong woman, and we are all rooting for you
xd

Thank you @MinnieGirl I don't feel strong at all, I feel like I could break down any moment, but I'm trying so hard to keep positive and remember why I'm doing this x

Interesting that you have been used as a cash cow for years but ‘want to leave with your head high’. I be damned if I’d hand over another penny of my hard earned cash to that miserable, miserly SPONGE, but that’s me! Good luck, I’d rather give the gas bill amount to charity personally - and tell him that too.

It’s natural to feel like that. It’s such a big step for you. But you are almost there now…. Just a few days and you are gone. And you will feel so much better in your new place. Xx

I understand that, of course. But if it was someone you loved, whether that love be misguided or not, you might feel differently.

It's just how I want to do things, it's how I've always been, and then when it's done it's done. He will have no need to contact me to try and claw anything from me, because it will all be unjustifiable.

I totally get other people aren't this way, and respect that you would do it differently, but this is how I want to do it, for me, not him

And that’s fine OP. Wishing you the very best and excited for your new ‘era’ x

How about joining a few Facebook groups and seeing if there are any free/cheap bits of furniture on marketplace that would save you buying it all new?

You are going to have to block him on your phone. He can email, then choose if you wish to read his angry rants.
I think you should cut the cord completely to avoid any ongoing drama.

Are you making a list of stuff you need.
If Ikea rocks your boat, you can do an online order & keep adding bits as you remember things. Get it delivered, & book somone to put together the table/wardrobe/chest of drawers….
you will need table, chairs, kitchen stuff, duvet etc as a strict minimum

I think controlling people often condition us to having to prove we are good people. So leaving without paying would make op uncomfortable because it may set him off trying to make her feel guilty.

And even if it doesn't, shes going to take time to recover from feeling that way in such situations anyway because she's been conditioned for years to prove her goodness/kindness/care for him.

The less things he can use to guilt her the better. Though it's worth remembering he will always find something and as such cutting contact is best. TBF, if the bills are paid, he has one less thing to use to try chase after her with.

Though op, tbh I would take note of all the bills payments dates and ask for proof from the companies maybe. Incase you have a case and one day could pursue it. Sometimes anger surfaces after we heal and escape and we wish we had kept some things in order to pursue justice/ recompense.

So he doesn’t know you’re going yet? And you get the key on Friday? When will you actually go/tell him?

Clearly you are in the rather privileged position of never having been in a situation like this.

Didn’t the OP mention the Stockholm Syndrome in her first post?

Agree with this. There's lots of nice things being given away or very low priced on Olio also. Do you use the app?

Also whicbh day are you planning to move out? I'm sending you so much strength and love x

He’s life is brilliant, he has a house that’s paid off and doesn’t need to work because you cover all day to day costs.

If you want to change status quo, all he needs to do is threaten you with ending the relationship. It’s been working amazingly for him.

What do you get from this? I understand you are not paying rent but you are not on the papers somewhere of this house, are you? Do you get to save significant portion of your income (as there is no rent) or it all goes out of bills, food and covering his creative lifestyle?

It seems rather unfair. Being together should be about being a team and both benefitting from it, financially is this working for you?

I would urge you to get legal advice. I know you are not married but yoy have lived together in that house for many years covering the bills and supporting both of you. Is your name on the bills? Please get advice re what you are entitled to in case of a split. It might be nothing (as no marriage) but there mighy be something.

He’s been taking a piss all these years really. You have no options to e.g. change roles/retrain whilst he gets all the freedom to live nice retired lifestyle. Creative work my arse. Do you realise you are earmarked as his potential carer too, should he need that. Without any benefits at all, are you in his will?

40 something is not too late to start again, you are being used at the moment. He can get off his creative arse and get himself a job when you’re gone.

Just saw this, got my blood boiling. He has ensured you have no proof you live in his house, he thought this through in detail.

Make sure to close that account/investigate how to do it beforehand.

And please, have someone with you on the day when you leave.

Did you confirm that he doesn’t have any trackers on your bag, your car etc? You don’t want him to be able to trace your new home.

Just think, 2 weeks today you’ll be in your own place, own bed, a car money will be yours, you can get a lovely takeaway and just breathe… and then start therapy to understand why you have put up with such utter shit

and he will be wanking at Porn trying to download Tinder to find another sucker to fund his life and wondering how it all went so wrong and crying its not fair

I would almost pay to see his face when all the direct debits bounce 😂

I think we'd all like to be ringside at that show. With popcorn.

I think he'll sus it out before then, when op leaves though

He gives me the vibe that he probably implies you're a gold-digger. Even though you support HIM. Wonder if he'll use that to try trap the next victim into paying for him ('oh I've been burned before') seems the type.

There is always one . And you are it ! Yawn

Oh OP, I hope that you come back to this thread in a few months and realize how appallingly badly he treated you. In the meantime, you have the full Mumsnet army behind you cheering you on! Please, please don't underestimate the need for caution as you leave-he is clearly a vile, nasty and completely cold man who is losing his cash cow and it's entirely possible it will cause him to lash out. Best of luck, please let us know you're out ok xxx