So sad ....... a good man, but (sorry a bit long)

[MargoLivebetter]

I'm in my mid 50s. Been in a relationship for about 5 years now with DP. We are both financially independent, have our own place, do lots of nice things together, share interests, go on great holidays. He is consistent, generous, reliable, interesting and I find him physically attractive, which is nothing short of a miracle by the time you get to your mid-50s. We don't live together.

I have two early 20s children and a medium sized family who I see regularly. He has no children, one surviving parent and an estranged sibling who is 14 years younger than him. One of my DC still lives at home and the other lives in a shared house with friends, but comes home reasonably frequently.

Part of the reason we don't live together is that when we discussed it seriously, I said that it was really important to me that wherever I lived my children would always have a place to stay. Their father is a complete tool and they definitely are not welcome to stay with him, so I want them to feel that there is a home for them with me. My eldest is autistic and does now have a decent job with career prospects but still needs a fair bit of support with personal admin and just life generally. I see that DC living independently but not quite yet. DP said that whilst he'd always be happy to welcome both my DC into a shared home, it would have to be on a strictly time limited basis. I found that very off-putting and it made me decide to continue living in my own home.

I'm increasingly noticing that he has huge difficulties sharing people and is very insular. He doesn't like sharing his remaining parent with the step-parent and always prefers to meet them alone. Part of the reason I think he is estranged from his sibling is because he went from being an only child, who was clearly the apple of his parents' eye to having to share that attention. And he dislikes sharing me, not with friends and he isn't trying to isolate me, but sharing me with my family and particularly my children. He is incredibly reluctant to join in with my larger family events and more often than not will have other commitments that seem to prevent him from coming to birthday celebrations and so on. Obviously, with only one remaining family member that he sees at all, it is not something that happens much in his life.

He reiterated this weekend how important it was for him that we spend time together "alone". I don't disagree but we already spend every second weekend together alone and we also spend every holiday we go on "alone". For me it is important that he can be part of my family, which he definitely isn't at all. He sits on the outside dipping in very, very occasionally. I felt so profoundly sad when he said his alone thing again this weekend and I'm still trying to process it.

I can't change him, the only thing I can change is my approach and my response. I am a post-therapy people pleaser. My first instinct is to want to "fix" this by giving him more alone time, but my post-therapy self knows that this is not the solution. What I'm not entirely sure is how to tackle the issue, if it is even worth tackling, or if I accept that to have a relationship with him, this is how it has to be.

Thoughts welcome!

And he dislikes sharing me, not with friends and he isn't trying to isolate me, but sharing me with my family and particularly my children

Anyone who dislikes sharing me with my (adult) kids would be a non-starter.

His attitude is quite selfish but I think given he is in his mid-50s, it's unlikely to change.

I do find childless friends can have less tolerance for family and children.

It sounds like you need to accept that he won't be part of family celebrations. I wouldn't stop doing what you enjoy for him though. Either accept it will continue how it is or break up.

Yes, this. And I think the issue could get bigger as your adult children maybe start their own families.
it sounds quite isolating.

This relationship would not suit me at all, of course time alone is nice but so is being with family.
Looking forward, when you maybe would have Gc you love to be with, what’s going to happen there?
This person standing on the side, wanting you to himself and you will definitely come down on the side of your Gc so it’s just a weird relationship.

I think you're incompatible...long term I think it will be difficult to share your life with someone like this. You talk as if you're the one who needs to compromise and shrink your world to suit him.

Why on earth would you go onto ChatGPT to write an answer for Mumsnet?

It’s quite telling that he has no children, and doesn’t want any dependents to interfere with his lifestyle, his wants and his needs.

In my experience people like this are often loners and isolated. I expect that would be the case with him if he didn’t have you?

Not much help, but as you know you can’t change people when it’s so deeply ingrained.

It’s such a shame because your children are a part of you, and some men (and women) with his background would really want to embrace being part of a bigger family.

Alas, it looks like this relationship may have run its course. You are family oriented and he isn't, and it looks like only you are willing to compromise.

I would not be willing to do that for someone who isn't going to reciprocate.

If you were both happy as things are, then it would be different, but it sounds as though you would like things to move towards living together, and he won't do that except on his terms (and I'd never agree to those). And he sounds as though he is ramping up his need to be 'alone' with you, so he isn't happy with the status quo either. It may well turn out that he hasn't stopped you from seeing friends yet.

it’s a lot for you to accept, if you ever live with him he will come in between you and your children as they will never feel welcome in your home. The relationship with his own family says it all.

I recently ended a similar relationship, though for different reasons. I loved the time I spent alone with my ex, but it was only after we split that I realised just how much I had compromised and how much pressure I'd felt to meet his needs and to try and maintain friendships and relationships. I was very stretched. I think the time-limited comment about your children is a huge issue. Would you want to continue a relationship but keep living separately? Is he showing any compromise around integrating with the other people in your life? Could you get better about advocating for your needs to be met and not just living as he wants? I'm getting the impression that although he's not loud and forceful, it's his way or the highway.

Aside from the fact I would find the instincts he is demonstrating quite unattractive, I think you need to decide if you want what he is prepared to give? In turn, you need to make it clear to him what you are prepared to give (so he can decide if that is enough for him).

Are you happy to accept a relationship with him as very separate to your family?

If so then you need to tell him how much of your life you are prepared to offer him and he can decide if that is enough.

I think that even if you managed to meet in the middle and compromise for the first 18months or so, it would start to become really oppressive as the years went by. You would constantly have to fight to defend your boundaries and I can imagine you would get exhausted and your kids would give up.

@IceAndShadow are you trying to push an organisation called "Heartsong"? Do you have a financial connection to it or some other vested interest? If you do, you should be declaring that upfront.

Thank you for all your thoughts. He is definitely a loner. I see myself as very self-sufficient but he takes it to a whole other level.

I also am aware that I see my wider family a fair bit and it does take away from time that we could spend together. He is of course always welcome but he chooses not to come. I have expressed disappointment when he hasn't been available for family celebrations, but I certainly don't think he needs to be seeing my wider family for an afternoon every second weekend like I do. I had also hoped that he might be able to come on holiday with me and the DC at some point, but I cannot see that as a possibility at all.

I think a further conversation is definitely warranted before I give up. He is not closed off to discussion and hates being seen as "unreasonable", so that might give me a bit of leverage.

Just his statement that your children would only be able to visit for limited times would have seen him dumped. How DARE he dictate how you spend time with your children!
If you haven't got the major ick from that alone then be honest and say your relationship will continue separately on YOUR terms and if he doesn't like it he is free to find someone else who is willing to give up everything for him.

Sorry, forgot to add that in my opinion he obviously is a selfish entitled prick.

And he dislikes sharing me, not with friends and he isn't trying to isolate me, but sharing me with my family and particularly my children

This is not good at all.
You could work around the rest of it by compromising but this shows that you are fundamentally incompatible.

One of your children still needs support and lives at home. Their needs must come first and they do. DP doesn't like this.

When he's complaining about time "alone" is the only time you spend with him every other weekend and holidays because that's not a lot really OR do you spend that time with him alone and see him other times as well when other people are present?
If you're only seeing him every other weekend and holidays it's not very much really and maybe, if you wanted to continue with this relationship, you might want to think about whether you can find (and want to) more time for the two of you.

I can sort of see his point of view if that's all the time you have together and it might not be enough for him. However, I think that he's not making enough effort to spend time at family celebrations and after 5 years together really a partner should be making the effort to join in even if he finds social situations difficult.

But I think you just aren't really compatible because you come as a package deal with your children and your family and they are important to you and he doesn't have a lot of people around him and prefers to be a bit of a loner.

Also, what happens if your children have children? You'll want to spend loads of time with the grandchildren I'm sure and then he'll be getting more annoyed about you spending time with them instead of with him.

@butteredhorseradish I ask myself all of these questions.

We currently see each other every weekend, occasionally during the week and we go on all of our holidays together. As far as I know we are both happy with that level of commitment.

We usually alternate weekends, so I go to his one weekend and he comes to mine the other weekend. The "alone" reference relates to the fact that in my house the DC are around. The house is big enough that we are not all on top of each other and it is not like the DC are not busy doing their own things and equally DP and I crack on and do ours. That is what made me so sad, because it is not like the DC really intrude that much. If they are there and I'm cooking a meal, then they are obviously included, should they want to be and we would all sit at the table together to eat it, because that's just what we do in my house. But it is not like I'm insisting we all do days out together or watch TV together!

I think you're just not compatible and I do think he sounds selfish and a bit controlling rather than just introverted.

I would probably not move in with someone who'd indicated to me that their adult kids might live with us, so I can understand that being a concern for him. If by 'a place to stay' you mean you would always let them move back in with you on a permanent basis, that wouldn't work for me; I just couldn't/wouldn't want to live with someone else's adult kid, parent, sibling or anything else. So if that's his worry, I can see his point.

However, I certainly wouldn't ever expect someone to limit the amount of time they spent with their adult kids! I can't imagine telling someone they couldn't/shouldn't invite their kids over for lunch or meet up with them or have them over for the weekend or whatever. I suppose there are times when some parents and adult kids are unhealthily enmeshed in a way that's just a bit infantilising and weird, but it really doesn't sound from your post that you're in that camp at all! You just sound like a nice, normal, supportive mum who enjoys her kids' company.

I would absolutely make the effort to be my partner's plus-one at family events, too, even if I didn't enjoy them much. To me that's part of being a committed couple, as opposed to something more casual/distant. I'm introverted and I can't say I'd generally be filled with joy at an invite to a wedding or a birthday party or something by a partner's family, but I'd still always make the effort. It's not a lot for a partner to ask.

You cannot change a person.

You can't change a person.

Just reiterated twice.

He's not going to change and will always be like this. The request for alone time is an Amber flag and I'd consider not moving in with this person.

That's the kind of advice my dad would give me. My mum was an only child and has some strange issues (it's not an only child thing per se but more how she was parented). I learned very early on that acceptance was better and every single time I've hoped for change I've been disappointed. 45 years of experience telling me that people don't change.

I don't think you're compatible, OP.

I'd kind of be your partner in this scenario, and as such wouldn't contemplate a relationship with a family orientated man.

It's a shame that he, instead of realising you're incompatible and acting on that, has chosen to try and change how you're happy living.

You need to end it.

That’s a shame.

If it were me I’d be making sure he fully understood that he is missing out on living together and having a better relationship due to his issues.

Limiting the time my kids could come home would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. i would not agree to that, as you haven’t. However, that means you will never be able to live together? Heading into old age I don’t think I’d want that. I would want to live with a partner.

he needs to be under no illusions what he is missing out on due to his issues.

he’s not coming across well, tbh. So he would have been 15 when he was jealous of the new half sibling? He really doesn’t sound nice.

I just can't see how this will work OP, in the future.

Your children will always be a massive part of your life, as they should be. Add possible grandkids into the mix .... he won't like that and it will cause huge conflict.

I actually don't think he's unreasonable to want to see you more than once every other weekend. He's in a relationship with you, not your extended family. If you can't/don't want to carve out more time for the relationship then it's fine to end it but i wouldn't be happy with such a limited amount of time together with someone im in a relationship with.

I'm a loner, I'm afraid to admit

I struggle in group dynamics and prefer to be alone with my loved one. I'm estranged from my family - because I didn't belong more than anything, but they really hated me.

But, at 33, I recognise that it's not healthy and it's not the way to do things. You're right in saying that he's not a bad person or anything, but you don't come alone, you come with two kids

It just doesn't sound like he will change his ways 🥺. And, if you stay with him, his needs will come between you and your kids, and I know you know that that's not workable.

I'm sorry, as he sounds good, especially compared to the men we hear about on mumsnet x