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Original poster

should i cancel my operation?

77 replies

ohdearohdear · 20/05/2008 08:45

M few days ago, i finally booked my breast reduction op. (see my other threads!) dh has arraanged to take 3 wks off This is the only time of year dh can take 3 weeks off . Then yesterday, his mum called to say his brother is getting married - on the same day as my op!!!! This was completely unexpected and dh has told his mum that i'm having an op that day so we won't be able to go. I feel really guilty about it but if i cancel my op, i'll have to wait another year (because of dh's time off work)Dh isn't close at all to his brother and can go only see him when we see his mum and dad. Never calls him and went years not seeing him at all. Not because they don't get on, just because they're very different and have nothing in common! Should i cancel my op??

OP posts:
Upwind · 20/05/2008 17:35

Yes, I reckon that if you can move the op, you should!

A brother's wedding is important

kitsmummy · 20/05/2008 21:54

No way, don't cancel the op. The brother hasn't informed you, they're not close etc so he probably won't care too much if you're both there or not. This is a major operation (and a fab one too, i've had it done). And if you only give 3 months notice you have to expect that not everyone can make it.

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 20/05/2008 21:59

dh and i have just had a row about it now. he can get 3 weeks off abit later but i just wanted him to say to his parents that we've rearranged thing but it would have been nice if his brother had actually contacted him about it. he's now stropped of and said i'm not doing him a favour by changing the date ( it was me who suggested changing the date and who is worried about his m & d being annoyed about it) and he doesn't want any confrontation with his parents about it. Don't know what to do now - he's sulking downstairs

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Original poster
ohdearohdear · 20/05/2008 22:51

bump

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Original poster
ohdearohdear · 21/05/2008 08:28

really upset by it all now because we ending p getting so angry and upset with eachother. i told him yesterday i'd change the date but i wanted him to tell his parents we were fed up his brother hadn't contacted hm. he didn't think there was nay need to make the comment about his brother and i got really annoyed. i now don't feel i can have the op as it might bring back bad memories of the argument. he siad i've let his dislike for his family ruin my operation.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 21/05/2008 08:33

You need to have the operation, give it a few days and you will both calm down.

His brother has been rude not phoning your dh but if they're not close then I can see why he wouldn't ring I don't think my brother rang me to invite him to the wedding but I still went it was unsaid I'd be expected to be there I'm his sister of course I should be at his wedding, goes without saying really, maybe his brother feels like that?

If you can move the dates then do if you can't then you know you have done your best and no-one can expect more than that.

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 21/05/2008 08:38

Ys, i suppose it goes without saying he should be there. dh made the point he didn't phone his brother about our wedding either. Dh checked with work yesterday and can get 3 week off a bit later so i can change the date of the op. I'm hurt that dh said that moving the op wasn't doing him a favour - it was just so i didn't feel guily about the wedding and worry about his mums comments. He said my op is far more important than the wedding and he's always said i can have it done on the day that is the least stressfukl for me. he's not bothered if his mums makes comments afterwards

OP posts:
littlelapin · 21/05/2008 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 21/05/2008 08:54

yes, it is stressing me too much, but i can't help the way i feel

OP posts:
Blu · 21/05/2008 09:01

odod - your stress and anxiety is manufacturing problems where none exists, though - so making you feel worse, and so it goes on, which must be hard for you.

tbh, it sounds as if you are giving your DH a hard time - he is prioritising you, not stressing about his family, but you are hurt, and want him to poke sleeping dogs with his brither.

Is it the thought of the operation that is making you this jittery, or are you mormally fairly anxious? There are tecniques that CAN help you with the way you feel, if it would make you happier?

littlelapin · 21/05/2008 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 21/05/2008 09:04

RUIN your operation by bad memories of an argument? Is the operation a pleasure trip? No. It is surgery. How can it be ruined by bad memories? Get a grip woman.

If you dont actually need the operation, if it is not for health reason, but purely cosmetic, then go ahead and cancel, otherwise you are out of your mind.

QuintessentialShadows · 21/05/2008 09:05

Why are you hurt over this?
Bloody hell, that silly brother wanting to get married and on the day YOU have an OP? And he doesnt even contatc you?

sorry, running ahead of myself here.

Please calm down and have your op and stop being so oversensitive.

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 21/05/2008 09:09

I think its the thought of the op making me like this. i'm anxious about causing problems with his mum because i don't feel comfortable in her company anyway. And the idea that we have to miss the wedding because of MY op just makes me feel even worse about seeing her in future. When dh left this morning h said i had ruined things for myslef and that my dislike of his family was more important than my op and i've only go myself to blame if i don't have it done. i think i tried to make things difficult because he didn't express any thanks that i was prepared to chnage the date of the op. But he then said he only wnats me to change it to stop my worrying , not just so we can go to the wedding

OP posts:
Blu · 21/05/2008 09:16

But look at it from his pov, odod, he knows you suggested changing the date for your benefit - because of fears of further anxiety - not his, because he isn't bothrered - he wants to leave the arrangements as they are.

It is understandable that you are anxious about the operation, and also have 'ishoos' with his family - many on MN know how that feels!

You sound like someone who would benefit loads from an assertiveness course - your HV might be able to ppint you in the right direction. Somehting to help you feel stronger and more comfortable with your decision making. Lots of women have done it and found it has helped.

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 21/05/2008 09:47

im feeling that i should call dh to apologise for mamking things more difficult now

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Original poster
ohdearohdear · 21/05/2008 22:10

dh and i are ok with eachother again now and have agreed to leave t a few days before anything is decided. I think maybe my fear of the op is partly behind all this. i don't know whether it's justified?

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Original poster
ohdearohdear · 22/05/2008 08:22

bump

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Original poster
ohdearohdear · 22/05/2008 09:09

another bump - reAlly need to talk to someone

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themildmanneredjanitor · 22/05/2008 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 22/05/2008 12:44

tahnsk. yes tht's right - dh has rearrraged his time off and op is booked privately. i don't know why it all feels so bad now but i feel like crying just thinking about it.

OP posts:
Blu · 22/05/2008 13:53

odod - I'm gald you got onto a calmer level with DH - well done.

What do you think about most in relation to the op? Is it fear of surgery? I thnk many many people would feel very strange about losing part of themselves, especially a part like breast tissue. it is so much to do with our self-image, our selves as women, mothers, sex....it's a HUGE thing. It would be perfectly reasonable to book a course of sessions with a counsellor to talk this through with...privately if you can afford that or through your GP?

Or maybe start a carefully worded thread on MN and see if anyone else has had a similiar experience? Something like "need breast reduction surgery and it's worrying me - anyone had a similiar experience?" Steer clear of anything where people will get it mixed up with breast enhancement.

Blu · 22/05/2008 13:54

odod...don't cry....everything is all right raelly - you just need to find a way through this fragility and jumpiness you are experiencing.

Original poster
ohdearohdear · 22/05/2008 16:52

Thanks Blu x

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Original poster
ohdearohdear · 23/05/2008 07:49

is'a all decided now - i'm postponing the op til after the wedding and we're going to the wedding. feel v reieved it's all sorted out

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