Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he right - are all men like this?

60 replies

Nomorebagels · 13/05/2025 10:48

My now ex partner and I were together 10 years. Things weren’t right for a few months, felt like we were just coasting. Sex life pretty non existent. There was an issue a few years ago when he messaged another women but he swore they didn’t do anything, he wanted to make us work etc. So I stupidly forgave and tried to move on. He seemed like a really nice guy, huge help with my elderly parents and sister who has a disability. He’s never secretive with his phone or tablets, leaves them in rooms when he’s not there, I have passcodes. So something made me look last night - I know, not proud of that - and I found out he’d downloaded Kik and all the groups he joined were called things like hot grannies, dirty grannies, grannies want you etc. most of them he has been ‘removed from’ so he must have overstepped the line. And from the timescales he was watching them while sitting in my living room with me. Anyway along with this, he also had messages from someone saved as Dx - he’d been talking to her about what he’d like to do to her sexually, sent dick pix and told her he’d met up with other women for coffee ‘to see if there was a spark’. So that was that, threw him out. He said to me ‘every men does this, you won’t meet any man who doesn’t.’ And I’m just so distrustful now of ever meeting any man who will be faithful. I’m 52 and don’t want to be alone but I honestly despair of trusting anyone else. My previous two partners cheated. Was he right, do they all do this? It just seems so easy to do now, with it all so readily available on the internet.

OP posts:
Dingdong62 · 13/05/2025 10:51

Perhaps not all, but I’ve been burnt so many times I have zero expectations of fidelity.

TipsyJoker · 13/05/2025 10:55

He’s a rat. Good riddance. Why are you so afraid to be alone? I would focus on that. There’s nothing wrong in being alone and in fact there are lots of benefits. You won’t have this emotional turmoil that you’re going through now. You won’t have to consider anyone else in your decision making. You can come and go as you please, with whoever you want, whenever you want, without having to consider anyone else. You can literally live your life your way. And that also includes your social life. There’s being alone alone and there’s being single with a thriving social life and a close support network or other wonderful women. Focus on why you’re so afraid and maybe even get some counselling around that. You don’t need a man. You should only be with a man who makes you’re life better and who doesn’t cost you your peace. If it’s costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.

StrikeForever · 13/05/2025 10:56

No, there are good, decent men out there. My husband (together 17 years) is lovely and devoted to me. My son-in-law ditto with my daughter.

Renabrook · 13/05/2025 10:57

So you think every single male on the planet cheats?

Dillydollydingdong · 13/05/2025 10:57

I know mine doesn't

Ooooohdear · 13/05/2025 10:58

Sadly you can never trust anyone 100%

TwistedWonder · 13/05/2025 11:02

There are many decent men out there. However maybe your desperation not to be single means you’re attracting the wrong types because your bar is set lower than more self sufficient women.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single and having strong boundaries that means that wronguns don’t make the cut.

DaisyChain505 · 13/05/2025 11:03

God no not all men are like this.

GRCP · 13/05/2025 11:06

Not all men are like this, no

Original poster
Nomorebagels · 13/05/2025 11:08

Thanks for the replies everyone. I’m not scared of being alone, I have been single before for a few years. I suppose I’ve just got used to having someone there to rely on, if that makes sense and I think I probably lost faith in myself a bit. You’re right, I need to work on that. When the relationship was good it was really good and I suppose I’m mourning that. But it hadn’t been right for a while and I think his head was turned by these chat groups and with the ‘thrill’ of sexting other women. God, it’s grim. I don’t understand why you’d want to message complete strangers but I guess I’m naive!

OP posts:
Darkgreendarkbark · 13/05/2025 11:09

TipsyJoker · 13/05/2025 10:55

He’s a rat. Good riddance. Why are you so afraid to be alone? I would focus on that. There’s nothing wrong in being alone and in fact there are lots of benefits. You won’t have this emotional turmoil that you’re going through now. You won’t have to consider anyone else in your decision making. You can come and go as you please, with whoever you want, whenever you want, without having to consider anyone else. You can literally live your life your way. And that also includes your social life. There’s being alone alone and there’s being single with a thriving social life and a close support network or other wonderful women. Focus on why you’re so afraid and maybe even get some counselling around that. You don’t need a man. You should only be with a man who makes you’re life better and who doesn’t cost you your peace. If it’s costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.

While this is true in some ways, I think it kind of misses the point. We grow up believing that, should we want it, it will be possible to find love with a decent man who doesn't behave like this. It's pretty scary and depressing to be told that that's not possible at all, and that no man can be trusted not to be a deceitful slimeball (which is what the OP's ex has told her, and all her exes have demonstrated). Romantic connection is a natural human desire, and I don't think the OP needs a lecture on "not needing a man" and "being afraid to be alone". People need trusting connections, and crave intimacy.

FetchezLaVache · 13/05/2025 11:16

Not all men are like that, but this man is like that, so it's an LTB from me!

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 13/05/2025 11:20

Kinda makes you question why he was so helpful with your elderly parents…

HollieHock · 13/05/2025 11:20

No, not all men are like that. I haven't met anyone who would behave like that.

Original poster
Nomorebagels · 13/05/2025 11:24

Darkgreendarkbark · 13/05/2025 11:09

While this is true in some ways, I think it kind of misses the point. We grow up believing that, should we want it, it will be possible to find love with a decent man who doesn't behave like this. It's pretty scary and depressing to be told that that's not possible at all, and that no man can be trusted not to be a deceitful slimeball (which is what the OP's ex has told her, and all her exes have demonstrated). Romantic connection is a natural human desire, and I don't think the OP needs a lecture on "not needing a man" and "being afraid to be alone". People need trusting connections, and crave intimacy.

Show quote history

Yes this was what I was getting at. I don’t ‘need’ a man but the idea that I could never have a relationship with a trustworthy person again has floored me a bit. It’s just a bit depressing. Being in a couple when you think it’s a happy one is lovely.

OP posts:
MsCactus · 13/05/2025 11:27

It's absolutely not at men, but understandable that you're questioning this after your experience.

I was discriminated against at work and - although it's a very different scenario - I started to think all workplaces would discriminate against me. It really skewed my perspective. However once I went to another company who never once discriminated against me for the same characteristic - I realised it was one sexist/bigoted boss rather than every workplace.

Your ex was a wrong 'un. Most men won't behave like him

EarthSight · 13/05/2025 11:31

Maybe men in his social circle do, but that doesn't mean they do generally.

Remember in it's in his interest to convince you that he's perfectly normal and to try and fool your in-built bullshit detector.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 13/05/2025 11:32

He wants to believe all men behave like this because it helps him excuse his own behaviour. It’s a way to minimise what he’s done and gaslight you into thinking this is just what men do, so you shouldn't expect better. But the truth is, not all men cheat, sext random women, or send dick pics. Some of them actually respect their partners.

GoldDuster · 13/05/2025 11:34

All the men he knows might be like this. But all men are not all getting thrown out of online chat groups for overstepping what is already presumably a pretty low bar.

He's using that as a defence, because he's been caught and he's trying to minimise it.

Original poster
Nomorebagels · 13/05/2025 11:37

Didsomeonesaydogs · 13/05/2025 11:32

He wants to believe all men behave like this because it helps him excuse his own behaviour. It’s a way to minimise what he’s done and gaslight you into thinking this is just what men do, so you shouldn't expect better. But the truth is, not all men cheat, sext random women, or send dick pics. Some of them actually respect their partners.

This is hitting the nail on the head I think. Yes he wants to excuse his awful behaviour and convince himself he’s still a nice guy as ‘everyone does it.’ He’s been messing with my head so that I start to question whether I deserve to have a faithful partner

OP posts:
Stressymadre · 13/05/2025 11:39

My ExH was like this. He cheated (physically) 3 times but there was so much other behaviour that was completely unacceptable. Sexually explicit messages to women on social media, he even sent pics and videos to some. But... he somehow persuaded me all men were like this and it was ok (not the physical cheating, that he admitted was his issue!). Anyway, when I left him, i realised how utterly wrong it all was. I now have a new partner and have finally learnt what a happy, balanced and truly respectful partnership is.

Original poster
Nomorebagels · 13/05/2025 11:42

Stressymadre · 13/05/2025 11:39

My ExH was like this. He cheated (physically) 3 times but there was so much other behaviour that was completely unacceptable. Sexually explicit messages to women on social media, he even sent pics and videos to some. But... he somehow persuaded me all men were like this and it was ok (not the physical cheating, that he admitted was his issue!). Anyway, when I left him, i realised how utterly wrong it all was. I now have a new partner and have finally learnt what a happy, balanced and truly respectful partnership is.

Thank you I needed to hear this. I don’t necessarily want another relationship but I would like to think there is the possibility of one with a good man and that they are out there. Because after being with him for so long I’ve put up with other behaviours that I know - deep down - I shouldn’t have done.

OP posts:
Stressymadre · 13/05/2025 11:44

Nomorebagels · 13/05/2025 11:42

Thank you I needed to hear this. I don’t necessarily want another relationship but I would like to think there is the possibility of one with a good man and that they are out there. Because after being with him for so long I’ve put up with other behaviours that I know - deep down - I shouldn’t have done.

Show quote history

I get that. I was with my exH for 16 years (from age of 19) so I was young, naive and knew no better tbh!

RobinHeartella · 13/05/2025 11:47

I wouldn't trust him alone with your disabled sister or elderly mother any more. What a creep.

Edit - I just realised he's in the past now. Good riddance!

Peonyyy · 13/05/2025 11:49

huge help with my elderly parents and sister who has a disability.

Any chance he has exploited vulnerable members of your family?
Have any of them been left alone with him?

Swipe left for the next trending thread