Is he right - are all men like this?

[Nomorebagels]

My now ex partner and I were together 10 years. Things weren’t right for a few months, felt like we were just coasting. Sex life pretty non existent. There was an issue a few years ago when he messaged another women but he swore they didn’t do anything, he wanted to make us work etc. So I stupidly forgave and tried to move on. He seemed like a really nice guy, huge help with my elderly parents and sister who has a disability. He’s never secretive with his phone or tablets, leaves them in rooms when he’s not there, I have passcodes. So something made me look last night - I know, not proud of that - and I found out he’d downloaded Kik and all the groups he joined were called things like hot grannies, dirty grannies, grannies want you etc. most of them he has been ‘removed from’ so he must have overstepped the line. And from the timescales he was watching them while sitting in my living room with me. Anyway along with this, he also had messages from someone saved as Dx - he’d been talking to her about what he’d like to do to her sexually, sent dick pix and told her he’d met up with other women for coffee ‘to see if there was a spark’. So that was that, threw him out. He said to me ‘every men does this, you won’t meet any man who doesn’t.’ And I’m just so distrustful now of ever meeting any man who will be faithful. I’m 52 and don’t want to be alone but I honestly despair of trusting anyone else. My previous two partners cheated. Was he right, do they all do this? It just seems so easy to do now, with it all so readily available on the internet.

It's totally possible. Lots of us have just that

I have spent as a single person a lot of time in both chat rooms and dating sites and married men are there in large numbers. Many pretending to be single. This is spanning a good few years. I have never met married men off these sites.

I no longer bother these days as am very content single. It did however teach me a good lesson in being more streetwise!

Faithfulness is very much a rarity.

No, I think you’ve missed my point entirely. She stated that she didn’t want to be alone. That’s why I focused in on that. I also never said that there are no good men and all men are like this. I have a very good man myself. Maybe she’s picked shitty men because she has some unresolved issues that make her miss red flags, not have an understanding of what a good, healthy relationship looks like, have low self esteem, etc. That’s why I suggested she look inward and figure herself out first because having another relationship. She seems to pick weirdos so maybe stay out the dating pool until she’s solid in herself and then she might attract a decent man, like the one she’s actually looking for. Those things we grow up believing are learned and we can unlearn them. This is exactly my point. Also, trusting connections can be achieved outside of romantic relationships. There’s also plenty of people who choose to be single because they don’t actually “need” a man. And just because her weirdo, shitty ex says all men act like this, doesn’t make it true. He’s just trying to save face and make her seem unreasonable, when she’s not.

Similar here. Married over 20 years. Would never have believed my XH would or could ever cheat.

Until he did.

I lost count of all the mutual friends who were completely shocked that this pillar of the community would cheat on his wife repeatedly.

Of the 3 decent relationships since the marriage ended;

-I never realised I was the OW in one of them until after it finished.

-Another ended after 2 years because I finally got proof he was cheating, after he tried to gas light me for months into believing I was reading too much into things

-my current man is trying really hard to undo the effect those 3 men had on my life. Poor thing. He's got to work so hard to even begin to earn my trust. I'm so pleased he's recognised that men have broken me and thinks I'm worth the effort.

So my current thinking is that I agree with your ex @Nomorebagels

Hello, I take your point about low self esteem but I absolutely do know what a healthy relationship looks like. My parents met aged 14 and 16 are still together now in their 80s. They are the happiest couple I have ever known. We (my family} joke they are like one person. Part of my upset at all of this is I never think I will find that. Not now. So yes, I don't want to be alone, but I also now think if you can't be in a relationship like theirs, it's not worth having one, you are better alone. I have a lot of good friends, I just seem to have a blind spot when it comes to picking partners. Although, if you saw how he was with me 90 % of the time - and how he was with my family - you would never, ever think he would do this. Thank you all for your messages. MN is very wise

No, not all men are like this. My Dad wasn’t like this, nor is my brother, my husband or any of my male friends. I expect someone will come along and say ‘they’re just good at hiding it’ but no, that’s not the case. Good men do exist and I know I’ve been very lucky to know lots of them. I’m well aware there are also a lot of cheats and misogynists about though- I’ve just been lucky to not have many of them in my life.

It just sounds like a very small sample size. My experience of friends and family has been the exact opposite of yours; but, again, it's still just one person's social circle, so an equally small sample size.

No, we're not all like this. It's not uncommon though. I reckon about 25% of men actively go looking to cheat, and another 25% would if the opportunity just landed in their lap and they thought they could get away with it.

Thank you. I think you're probably right. Just had an unlucky experience being with a cheat for such a long time that he has coloured my view of men. But I will try not to let him continue to do so

I actually think its a lot lot more than we'd like to imagine.

Probably some posters on here have partners who are secretly like this and they have no idea.