Is he right - are all men like this?

[Nomorebagels]

My now ex partner and I were together 10 years. Things weren’t right for a few months, felt like we were just coasting. Sex life pretty non existent. There was an issue a few years ago when he messaged another women but he swore they didn’t do anything, he wanted to make us work etc. So I stupidly forgave and tried to move on. He seemed like a really nice guy, huge help with my elderly parents and sister who has a disability. He’s never secretive with his phone or tablets, leaves them in rooms when he’s not there, I have passcodes. So something made me look last night - I know, not proud of that - and I found out he’d downloaded Kik and all the groups he joined were called things like hot grannies, dirty grannies, grannies want you etc. most of them he has been ‘removed from’ so he must have overstepped the line. And from the timescales he was watching them while sitting in my living room with me. Anyway along with this, he also had messages from someone saved as Dx - he’d been talking to her about what he’d like to do to her sexually, sent dick pix and told her he’d met up with other women for coffee ‘to see if there was a spark’. So that was that, threw him out. He said to me ‘every men does this, you won’t meet any man who doesn’t.’ And I’m just so distrustful now of ever meeting any man who will be faithful. I’m 52 and don’t want to be alone but I honestly despair of trusting anyone else. My previous two partners cheated. Was he right, do they all do this? It just seems so easy to do now, with it all so readily available on the internet.

It benefits men like him for women to think all men do it.

Don't trust a proven liar and a deceiver to be telling you the truth - simple as that!

There are plenty of decent men out there - unfortunately you just found one who very clearly isn't; so cut him loose - you deserve (and will find, if you want a man) much, much better.

In my personal experience, no, they’re not.

I don't know many women who fully trust men these days. The internet has driven a wedge thanks to freely accessible porn and less emotional intelligence from men on how to actually behave around and with women as a direct result, in my opinion. The increasing misogyny and violence against women globally is a huge indicator of how men think of women; possessions and property, rather than sentient beings.

@Nomorebagels your original post actually made me gasp in shock. What a vile man he is.

Not all men are like this. However, a huge majority of them are.

I am glad you have shown him the door, you deserve more. His behaviour is so disrespectful. I would honestly question his need to be so helpful with your elderly parents and disabled sister, now knowing his porn preferences.

Totally unacceptable

My DH isn't like this; we've been together 28 years and married for 26. I'm under no illusions however that most men ARE like your partner described, and if something happened to DH I wouldn't marry again, and would be very wary if I wanted another relationship. Speaking as someone who's brother in law tried it on with repeatedly, and several marriages breaking up among friends where the husband cheated, I don't have much faith in the majority of men. I'd say just keep your eyes and options open.

I'm 46. Was with my ex for 27 years. If I read your post a year ago id say.. no not all men..my husband would never do that...only he did. Caught everyone by surprise.

I now no longer trust men. Doesn't matter how old they are ..the vast majority of them think with their dick and brain second.

Yes, @Nomorebagels I was coming on here to comment about the “dirty grannies” thing. That stuck out after you said he helped with your elderly parents. Is this something you have thought about? He sounds utterly disgusting and well done in getting rid when you found out. Absolutely vile sounding human from what you’ve said, tbh.

And no, not all men are like this. I’ve been in a relationship for 16 years now, always been ldr (both in uk still), but see each other frequently, usually for at least a couple of weeks a month id imagine. And is here whenever i need him to be, on top of that. The future is the future and we’ll see what happens, but it is still a thoroughly committed relationship in every way, except we keep two houses I’ve never had any doubt about his loyalties. While, obviously, no one can ever be 100% about that unless you are literally joined at the hip, I’m about as sure of it as it’s possible to be. He still treats me as he has from the very start of the relationship. He has no passcodes on his devices, I have biometrics on mine for security reasons but also passcodes, which he knows. Neither of us has ever had any need to hide phones/snoop, and we both will sometimes use each others if needed. I prefer him to have my passcodes because I do ask him to do stuff on it occasionally. I’ve no desire to see his messages, and he has no desire either. I think you clearly had some kind of gut instinct, which is why you looked, and you were right. But, yes, not all men. We’ve known each other for longer than we have been together and even as friends were both very open about our lives in conversations etc already. I’m not easy to live with, health conditions, yet he’s still just always there for me, even tho it must be very difficult at times. I’m now in my 50s, he’s older than me, and I fully wasn’t expecting a relationship at the time, had pretty much given up on men at that time, which he knew and respected, and we both had children - teens/young adults - and as I say we were just friends for a few years, we’re in constant contact during that time, although didn’t see each other in person that much during that time. When we did spend more time together it just turned into a relationship.

I think sometimes life just goes that way and it happens, so if you don’t want another relationship that is great, I don’t believe everybody wants or needs to be in a relationship. But if you feel that at some point you do, then just leave that open and see how things happen in the future and you may get to know someone and it’ll happen. There are good men out there. I have no idea what the old world is like these days (actually sounds horrific tbh, and I would never use it if we ever split up, despite us meeting online ourselves, but this must be 18/19 years ago and it was so different back then. I used to online date a shit load when I was younger (early days of, until we got together, so like 2000-07 ish). You don’t ever need to feel the pressure of being in a relationship and only you can really tell whether you will want to in time, if you meet someone.

Hello everyone, just to clarify re my elderly parents he has been a big help to them round the house, fixing things, doing gardening etc. absolutely no concerns there. I’ve always been there too. And the dirty grannies stuff when I looked at the chat groups and the pictures and videos the women were 50s and 60s - so basically his age group. He’s 58

I'd still wonder, knowing what a perv he is, whether he is the kind of person to put hidden cameras up, under the guise of doing DIY. I really hope not, especially as you say he's more interested in his own age group rather than the generation above. Sorry you had this experience.

I'd still wonder, knowing what a perv he is, whether he is the kind of person to put hidden cameras up, under the guise of doing DIY. I really hope not, especially as you say he's more interested in his own age group rather than the generation above. Sorry you had this experience.

To be honest I know more women that have cheated than men.

It does seem to be a lot of people who cheat, which absolutely puts me off being in a relationship but I know not everyone cheats and you cannot stay single out of fear someone might cheat on you.

I think be sensible and look out for red flags but carry on living your life.
ultimately if they’re stupid enough to cheat on you then they’re a fool and you ditch them and move on with your life, knowing that you’ve done nothing wrong.

Oh god! 🤮

It’s not all men but it’s a significant proportion of them

All men don’t do this. But something in you is sorting the available men badly if 3 out of three relationships have been with cheaters. Its a certain kind of egotist who does this. Perhaps you are mistaken in them from the get go.

I think so! (Re the bad picking) I have had relationships that have not ended in cheating, just the most recent ones that have - say past 20 years - and they coincided with the rise of cheating websites and dating sites.

How on earth does your BIL plus 'several' cheating husbands in your social group (minus your own DH of course) equate to 'most men'?

I’m 52 and don’t want to be alone

You did say you don’t want to be alone. I can understand it being nice having someone around to rely on but this man isn’t someone you can rely on, clearly. I would be glad you found out who he really is so you can move on and potentially find someone who is a decent human being. Personally, I’d rather be alone than with some loser like this. It might be a disappointment now but you’ll be glad in the long run.

I think more men than we would care to admit behave badly, they do all kinds of crap to get their rocks off don’t they. I always think if they need to do something extravagant or in addition they must be shit at sex.

I think you'd have to be a bit naive if you didn't draw conclusions from that, tbh.

I think you'd have to be a bit naive if you didn't draw conclusions from that, tbh.

No. All men are different just like all women are different.

I used to be firmly in the 'not my Dave' camp until he became a cautionary tale.

I’m so sorry @Nomorebagels. This is a huge betrayal of trust.

I don’t have that great a view of men as a sex overall. Even jn our westernised society where we have legislative equality, too many of them knowingly or unknowingly take advantage of male privilege and do less than their female counterparts when it comes
to domestic tasks, parenting and emotional labour. And that’s before we get on to things like infidelity which is definitely excused more for men than women in our society. However, I’m talking in generalities. I do not believe ALL men are like that. I’m fortunate enough to know many good ones, such as my DGF (now sadly deceased) my DH, my DS, my lovely BIL (who has cared for my severely disabled DN and my DSis when she was seriously ill and managed to do both uncomplainingly and without being unfaithful) and several good male friends (I tend to jettison male friends who aren’t up to standard).

Your XP’s excuse may be true from his perspective because people tend to seek out friendships with those who have similar attitudes and values. But it doesn’t mean it’s true of all men.

Unfortunately, while arsehole men may be a minority among men, IMHO its such a sizeable minority they can be difficult to avoid without being particularly clued up on red flags - something our patriarchal society actively encourages women to avoid becoming.

I hope the pain of betrayal passes soon. 💐

I would guess 3 out of 4 men will go online. 1 in 4 never will.

The internet world has changed things so much these days.