Are relationships worth the hassle??

[justfindingmyway]

Hi everyone,

Feeling a little mopey so I may have a cloud over my head this evening, just wanting to air it out and hear some thoughts, really!

You may see from my other posts that I called off an engagement with a man whom I felt could be emotionally abusive.

starting over was terrifying, though I know it is far harder for those of us in a similar situation plus being married with kids. I spent hours and hours the first few months trawling the internet for success stories of women in their thirties who ‘started over’ in terms of relationship, house, marriage etc. and I did start to see glimmers of hope that maybe things really do happen for a reason and it’ll all work out better in the end.

But I am starting to wonder whether I am just someone who is better off alone. Apologies for the sweeping generalisation, but I can’t help but feel the following about men in relationships, and I’m happy to be corrected;

• many seem to automatically assume their girlfriend/wife will work, contribute equally financially but contribute significantly more domestically. Perhaps not knowingly, but it does seem this way in many relationships I have experienced and witnessed
• I am finding men of all ages so far to be very needy with their own emotions. Very ‘clingy’ with affection when it is on their terms, but when their emotions get the better of them, they shut you out and ‘hide in their caves’ I.e. stop communicating altogether
• they just seem so driven by the physical. Basically, how you look and sex. Therefore I cannot help but feel that if those two things dwindle, their love would lessen
• it seems many of them kind of want women to step into their lives as mother figures. Picking up the pieces and being the responsible one

I guess my view of the ‘fairytale’ has been well and truly shattered. Maybe I am bitter. But at 34, I’m really struggling with the motivation.

financially, being a partnership is far easier, but I am questioning whether that factor aside, would another relationship be the same as all the rest? To meet someone, surely you need to look as needle in a haystack springs to mind. But I am really struggling with any motivation for it anymore.

then again, I can imagine feeling sad being alone for the rest of my life. I have a good job, and take care of myself as best I can physically and mentally. But nothing feels enough to have a simple, happy relationship.

my apologies for the long rant and thank you for reading if you have gotten this far! Just a gal looking for some wisdom and thoughts 🙂

many seem to automatically assume their girlfriend/wife will work, contribute equally financially but contribute significantly more domestically. Perhaps not knowingly, but it does seem this way in many relationships I have experienced and witnessed

Just make it clear from the beginning what your expectations are. Take it in turns to cook for each other, for example and don't take on more domestically.

I am finding men of all ages so far to be very needy with their own emotions. Very ‘clingy’ with affection when it is on their terms, but when their emotions get the better of them, they shut you out and ‘hide in their caves’ I.e. stop communicating altogether

I haven't experienced this. Don't let someone give you the runaround and find a good communicator.

they just seem so driven by the physical. Basically, how you look and sex. Therefore I cannot help but feel that if those two things dwindle, their love would lessen

If you don't have much of a libido, make that clear at the outset and find someone sexually compatible with you.

it seems many of them kind of want women to step into their lives as mother figures. Picking up the pieces and being the responsible one

Then refuse that role.

You're acting as though you have no choice in choosing someone.

I felt the same for a while. I'd made my peace with being single and felt okay about it. Then I met my DP.
Find your voice and be clear on what you want, and what you don't. Trust your instincts.

There are different ways to have relationships, like LAT, which mean he looks after his own domestics. It doesn't always have to be the conventional relationship escalator into living together etc.

Sorry for quoting the op, didn't intend to.

You literally described my ex whom I left 11 days ago. He was 38 and dragging his feet on marriage, yet wanted everything I could offer as a "wife" with a smile on my face. I left after a week of trying to give him a chance to explain himself but then figuring that I didn't even care about his excuses anymore.

I have read some happy stories too out there, that's why I left him. I am 33 btw. But now I am so scared and anxious that I will never find my person.......I am also so impatient. I want to find him NOW.

Appreciate your comments. Perhaps I’m taking the last part the wrong way, but I’m really not acting like anything. Your experiences may be different, but I am finding that these men who just ‘fit’ with these requirements really do seem to be the proverbial unicorns. It isn’t that simple, if it were, there wouldn’t be so many women saying the same thing. And yes, I could remain single for life, but I hope not to.

Thank you and I am glad it worked out. I think I need to do the same, there’s just so much societal pressure to be in a relationship, isn’t there? Everyone just assumes that whatever you’re doing with your weekends, you must be doing with your other half. Especially when you get beyond 30 I feel

Thanks for your comment, I haven’t heard of LAT so I will have a look! I can see how having your own space could be very liberating! It just bucks the trend of family and friends, so I guess that would be an adjustment

Hand hold, girl!!! I’m right here with you. And am exactly the same. Being patient is tough when everything tells you you ought to be ‘settled’ by now. Good for you for seeking out what you want. Hopeful for us both!!

Equal financial contribution and equal housework no adult should be reliant on another

I think a lot of the imperitive to couple up comes from hormones. Post menopause (and even during it) I find I am FAR happier alone, and would never contemplate a live-in relationship again.

Life is easier and more fun without a man around.

I'm another one who thinks being single is far, far better than being in a relationship. It might be easier with two incomes, but the sacrifices and compromises one has to make (and that's even if you find someone lovely rather than lazy/uncommitted/abusive etc.) are not for me.
And I did try it, I was married for 21 years and had two relationships after that.

I'm much older now but have been single for many, many years. I'm never lonely. I have a wide range of friends, enjoyed travelling the world (not so much these days), have done all sorts of jobs including living overseas. I could go on and on about the benefits of being single; I think most of all it's the fact that I can choose to live whatever life I wish and to be truly "myself" always.

Wouldn't suit everyone of course, but it's as good an option as any other; don't get bothered about 'convention' and 'being settled' and so forth (whatever that means!)

I agree with all youve said 1000%.

Generalising because of course not every single man is the same, but the majority I have known are.

It’s taken me til my 50s to realise it. To have the courage to be single. To have the money to do the odd little job here and there I need to pay someone to do because I’m not strong enough or lack the correct tools and knowledge or time to do.

The men I’ve known have such a high sex drive it’s pathetic. Ruled by what their dick wants. Primal urges appear to be more important than food or sleep. We women (and the odd worthy man here and there) can rise above such base needs. We are in touch with our emotions and seek help when necessary. We are so much better than that type of men who drinks or goes into a cave ( ie shut down per the men are from mars women are from Venus book, not sure that’s the right name though ha ha) or seeks physical ‘help’ elsewhere as they can’t handle their urges, poor lambs, awww. Even when old with dodgy sperm.

The more balanced, sensitive, understanding, strong, intelligent men who are not reliant in their basal instincts are few and far between. Even in this day and age of enlightenment.

Well done for concluding this at such a young age OP. Sad though that you carry this news round your neck like a millstone now the same as many of us older women.

I think society, like farms, would benefit from more women and just a few “rams” doing the rounds at lambing season. Society would benefit from more a better place without so many so called men. 🤣

I can see how that would be the case. Pesky hormones!! Living alone does sound really peaceful.

I absolutely love this for you and it sounds like you’ve lived a really enriching and authentic life, which is something I am working on myself. Trying to work out what society values as opposed to what I value may be useful. The ability to be unapologetically you and not having to cater for the expectations of a romantic partner (who you are, what you do, where you go etc) must be extremely liberating. I guess it is all an adjustment on my part; basically trying to accept that I may be better off single feels very alien indeed. I am surrounded by people who rely on partners, emotionally or financially, or both!

Thanks for your comment, and sorry to hear experience has caused you to feel similar. It is a hard pill to swallow and I am somewhere between resisting to take it and just letting go of caring about any of it anymore. I didn’t grow up with male relatives who had admirable traits either. It blows my mind when you get comments like, ‘well, just up your standards then’ or ‘you’re going for the wrong men and looking for the wrong things’. My experience so far has not been that these empathetic, understanding, warm, caring (maybe even handsome!) men are just roaming around waiting for us to up our standards. The opposite; I feel the way of meeting a man is to lower my standards, and that lead me to a horrible situation that I had to, and still am, fighting my way out of!

As a woman who is older than you, I agree with your summary of men. I find it distressing as the mother of a son, but it has been my experience of men. Pretty much can be summed up as taking much more than they give.

I've chosen to remain single now. I know it's easier for me to make that choice because I have a child, but his father is not in the picture at all. By his choice (I can definitely recommend single mother-hood).

My life genuinely is better without a man. I've been in love 3 times and every one has let me down and used me (not in a dramatic way, but the usual). No more. I'm over it.

Thanks for your comment and I’m sorry to hear your experience has been similar. I’m glad you’ve found peace in being single and being a solo mother. I’m not sure I’ll ever have kids now, or at least if I do, I’d consider going it alone or adoption. To have them with a partner now, I feel he’d have to convince me that my beliefs about men are incorrect, at least on his part. And what man is going to prove that? It’s not just me is it, they’re not out here in abundance!?

36 here... Don't worry/give up.

I was in the same position at your age; just out of a relationship with a man child who was emotionally unavailable. The panic about being alone forever kicked in (esp after kissing a few OLD frogs 🤢)

Then I met my partner. He's a great guy and he does pull his weight.

HOWEVER. I do feel that most women do seem to constantly be trying to find the equality/balance in their relationships (mine included). Little things like working mostly from home so having to do more by virtue of already being in the house etc.

The women I do know who won't tolerate or compromise tend to be like that across the board (including their platonic relationships), and so choose to be single and not settle. Romantic ones really do require lots of forgiveness and flex.

Thanks for your comment and for giving me some hope! Your last paragraph I think literally hit the nail on the head!! It’s definitely flex that is required, or you might as well be single. I suppose that is fair, I guess after the ending of my engagement, I’m just tired of the flex being for things which to me seem so basic! I just feel like I’m relearning it all. Thank you though, and I am glad you found your middle ground. Of course, no relationship is perfect. I also understand about the WFH. I felt guilty about it with my ex, who was a tradesman, and found I used to flap around him because I felt I should be suffering, not enjoying the option to work at home.

I see a lot of stories like this on here about men and so it clearly isn’t uncommon in the wider world, but this hasn’t been my experience of men in my husband so I suppose I’m here to just say that the good men do exist!

My husband & I are a really good team, he is a good man, a great husband and father, I wouldn’t ever want to be without him. Neither of us make any assumptions about who does what, we discuss and decide on things together, always have. Communication is hugely important for both of us, it’s something we both see as very important and being able to communicate clearly and comfortably has absolutely been a huge part of what has kept our relationship strong & healthy- especially during tricky phases like postpartum/newborn/baby trenches etc.

All relationships do at some point require some element of compromise, that’s true, but that goes both ways (or should in a healthy relationship) and I think that’s really important.

If you can figure out what you don’t want or aren’t prepared to put up with then you’ve already done half the battle really. So many women almost sleepwalk into relationships that make them unhappy because they want to be with just anyone, if you have clear boundaries on what you won’t accept it stops you from wasting your time on the wrong people. Good luck x

I do think there are good men out there. Definitely. I just think they're in the minority.

However, I do think that it's reasonable to expect that couple share the workload in the home and with children with some equity. Women now frequently share the financial load and if we are not to continue to carry more than our share, we have to hold firm on this. There ARE men out there who pull their weight. I have friends married to these men. I have a single male friend who is doing at least 75% of the heavy lifting with his children.

I think it depends how much we want a partner. If I can't have someone that is sort of equal, I don't want to be in a relationship. My friends don't use me for what they can get or what for what I can do for them so I don't want my most intimate relationship to be structured that way. Most good relationships ebb and flow. Sometimes he needs more, sometimes you do.

It isn't about not compromising. Most of us who are divorced or separated have spent years compromising until we reach the point at which we look back and see that we have done 90% of compromising and have bent so much we have broken. This has been my experience.

I don't know of other women saying the same thing. You have agency in your own life and are responsible for who you let into it. If you don't want to be treated like a mother figure, don't be. You are under no obligation to continue relationships that don't work for you.

I think people are complex and fascinating
This makes realtionships (and friendships and family) difficult sometimes, but assuming the people concerned aren't complete arseholes, I think worth the effort.

If it's all about an easy life, probably not.

It depends on so much @justfindingmyway . Personally, I think trying to potentially blend families is not worth the hassle. I dated as a single mum in my 30s and 40s but didn't have anything more than casual relationships. The thought of trying to bring a bloke of a similar age potentially with DC themselves and my own together was too much of a daunting prospect for me.

I am mid 50s now and have been in a relationship for 4 years with a lovely man but we don't live together. Still not sure I want to live with anyone else, but I am very independent and happy with my own company. Feel very grateful to have found someone similar.

I think you have to be very clear in your own mind exactly what it is you are looking for in a partner and I don't mean looks! There are definitely no fairytales out there. Reality is full of the mundane and a million compromises!

Being alone is definitely not sad either. I stopped dating when my DC started at senior school, as it was just too awkward and I could clearly see that there was an end point to my life with them as children in my care (iyswim). We had a blast and I was glad that it was just us and we could be as daft, goofy and mad as we wanted without any external judgement or compromises. Our humour is definitely not to everyone's taste. We all have the happiest memories of those years together.