Are relationships worth the hassle??

[justfindingmyway]

Hi everyone,

Feeling a little mopey so I may have a cloud over my head this evening, just wanting to air it out and hear some thoughts, really!

You may see from my other posts that I called off an engagement with a man whom I felt could be emotionally abusive.

starting over was terrifying, though I know it is far harder for those of us in a similar situation plus being married with kids. I spent hours and hours the first few months trawling the internet for success stories of women in their thirties who ‘started over’ in terms of relationship, house, marriage etc. and I did start to see glimmers of hope that maybe things really do happen for a reason and it’ll all work out better in the end.

But I am starting to wonder whether I am just someone who is better off alone. Apologies for the sweeping generalisation, but I can’t help but feel the following about men in relationships, and I’m happy to be corrected;

• many seem to automatically assume their girlfriend/wife will work, contribute equally financially but contribute significantly more domestically. Perhaps not knowingly, but it does seem this way in many relationships I have experienced and witnessed
• I am finding men of all ages so far to be very needy with their own emotions. Very ‘clingy’ with affection when it is on their terms, but when their emotions get the better of them, they shut you out and ‘hide in their caves’ I.e. stop communicating altogether
• they just seem so driven by the physical. Basically, how you look and sex. Therefore I cannot help but feel that if those two things dwindle, their love would lessen
• it seems many of them kind of want women to step into their lives as mother figures. Picking up the pieces and being the responsible one

I guess my view of the ‘fairytale’ has been well and truly shattered. Maybe I am bitter. But at 34, I’m really struggling with the motivation.

financially, being a partnership is far easier, but I am questioning whether that factor aside, would another relationship be the same as all the rest? To meet someone, surely you need to look as needle in a haystack springs to mind. But I am really struggling with any motivation for it anymore.

then again, I can imagine feeling sad being alone for the rest of my life. I have a good job, and take care of myself as best I can physically and mentally. But nothing feels enough to have a simple, happy relationship.

my apologies for the long rant and thank you for reading if you have gotten this far! Just a gal looking for some wisdom and thoughts 🙂

I’m with you OP and at 37 I think I have resigned myself to the fact that I will be single forever. Been separated from DC father for 10 years, have had relationships of 2.5yrs, 3yrs, 9months in that time and every one of them really has let me down or been useless in one way or another. I also had to compromise far too much of myself in those relationships.

To the PPs saying to just use your voice, and articulate what you want. That’s all very well and good but the quality of men is just not there to articulate to. Contrary to the popular saying, there is not plenty of fish in the sea. The sea is full of poor quality men, with little to give and ridiculous expectations.

Im relatively happy on my own. Sex is a thing I miss but I have an occasional FWB to fill the void.

Of course it would be nice to meet a dream partner who is actually an equal, emotionally intelligent, funny, thoughtful, handsome, high achieving etc etc… but they are just not there. I’m sure a few of those rare unicorns exist, but the effort to find them can be painfully dull, exhausting, time consuming… I just don’t think it’s worth the effort anymore. It annoys me when people tell me that ‘I’m wasted’ by not having a partner, but I just look at those people and their relationships and think ‘Ya, I definitely don’t want what you have’ and ignore them. I don’t know a single long term couple who seem happy, equal and genuinely madly in love anymore so what’s the point really.

Exactly, @NotWorthTheHeadache. This line of yours I just look at those people and their relationships and think ‘Ya, I definitely don’t want what you have’

The bloke letting her carry 85% of the domestic load. Letting her come home from work after him to do dinner, bedtime, tidy up, dishes. While he does his own thing. Him having a lie in on the weekend while she's up with the kids. Her doing the clubs and activities with the children. But him also being unhappy about the amount of sex he gets.

It's the (almost) universal married woman experience.

A relationship with someone who behaves badly is definitely not worth the effort.
But I’m still hopeful of finding a healthy and loving relationship that enhances my life. Until someone who fits that criteria comes along, my single life is lovely.
I do wonder if I’ll look back and think that my single years were the happiest though. They’re definitely the most stress free.

Yep… I had it said to me recently again by a friend. ‘I’m just so worried about you and that you’ll be wasted unless a good man snaps you up’. I took a good look at her and thought ‘Says the woman whose relationship constantly causes her stress and anxiety that I inevitably have to talk her through’ 🙄 Love this same woman, but what a thing to say! Why do so many people place your value on whether you’re coupled up or not? My family and their friends are constantly asking about my love life and whether I’ve met someone as well, I don’t get it.

Im an attractive woman, independent, great job, lovely car, about to buy my first house, excellent mother, daughter and friend… why do some in society see that as being ‘less than’ just because I’m not with a man and have little interest in seeking one out? It’s so utterly misogynistic.

Some really insightful and interesting thoughts here, thank you for discussing with me! The solidarity among other women is great for my mind and hope for my own future. I want to feel excited about my new path, living alone and being truly independent

@NotWorthTheHeadache I think your friend's comment says more about her state of mind than your value!

@justfindingmyway you'll get there. Life is so full of adventures, especially when you have kids because you get to discover or rediscover things through them.

Hugs to you on this Tuesday!

And this is our reminder that we do not want men who do not value us!

I literally kept getting omens "Do. Not. Compromise." over and over again the last couple of months of the relationship. So I listened and left. 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

Are you happy with how your life is at the moment OP? You mention you were having a mopey day but is this regular or just feeling a bit down today?

If you were to sit down and really think about where you want to be in 5 years’ and 10 years’ time does that vision include a man/life partner? If it does, then great. I’m sure there are ways of finding a decent man, even if it does take a lot of time, effort and frustration.

If it does not, then you can unburden yourself with thoughts of men and dating and really put all of your energy into yourself and building the most incredible life for yourself. Indulge in hobbies and interests, upskill and save for your future etc.

I think the 5 year plans are a worthwhile exercise that can help you not regret things you may not have gone after if you’re merely getting on with life.

FWIW, I'm a single middle aged bloke and IMHO many these points apply in the other direction. In some ways, single life is great. When it gets lonely, as it sometimes does, I simply look at the nonsense my coupled-up friends have to tolerate from their partners (both male and female) and I feel better. I see both men and women making some very harsh sacrifices for the sake of relationships and in some cases behaving very badly in them, with roughly equal probablility on both sides. And in case it's any consolation, I lost count years ago of the questions about when I'd settle down or the snide comments about long term singledom. Nothing's easy.

I met my DH at 39 through an introduction agency (they interviewed everyone in person, the joining fee was relatively high, and you spoke on the phone first). I had an interesting year dating, a couple I saw a few times, one guy became a dear friend, then I met my DH. The compromise was that he was divorced with two kids, one who lived with us full time. Not surprising as the age range I requested was 35-55.
I knew he was different. And I knew I was so lucky to meet him. He was kind, ambitious, and generous. Sure he had flaws, but his character was gold. My point is I pretty much could tell in the first five minutes if a date was ever going to go anywhere. I never gave anyone a ‘second chance’. I did have a few good first dates that I never heard from or the second date seemed like a different person - there was no third date then. Lots of ‘nice’ guys but no spark, so in those instances it was ‘nice to meet you and good luck’.
I’d go high end and throw money at it. It’s not a guarantee but if someone is paying £££ they aren’t looking for just another notch on the bedpost. Then talk on the phone (not text or email). Then decide if it’s worth meeting.

Sorry to hear, and hope life is good for you now. It’s so tough to go through that, but love to see women thrive on the other side.

Totally agree! I can list what I want until the cows come home; doesn’t mean I’m likely to find it. I’m not closing myself off to all hope, there are definitely amazing men out there. My fear? They’re taken, because why wouldn’t they be! I’d like to think the same applies to women, that the great ones will be snapped up. The problem is, I am bias now in thinking there are less great men to women!

You’re right. Society has a sad view of placing far more value in those on couples, particularly women, I feel. I really wish we could start a commune 🤣🤣

Great to hear you are enjoying the single life. I hope that someone worth it comes along. But it sounds like life is great either way x

Thanks so much. It’ll be a journey, but I have some excitement for it now. When I left, I was totally bewildered and terrified. I’ve come a long way, I just get days where I dwell on the future and the unknowns!

Congratulations on finding the strength. Leaning is hard. But sometimes, staying is even scarier! I guess ultimately, the one who comes to save us, is ourselves!

Hiya, thanks for asking. For the most part, just a frustrated day really. I never thought I’d get to the level of ‘better’ I am now after the ordeal. But life has far more bright days now than dark ones!

Asking about wants for the future is a great approach. If I’m honest, I’ve always felt torn between what I ‘should’ want, vs. what I DO want. Well, I say always, as a girl, I was rough and tumble, never wanted to get married or have kids and just wanted life to be one big adventure. Then I guess adult life happened, and I felt like I had to leave this Peter Pan mindset, though I have deep admiration for people who build a life they love. If I’m honest, I see what appear to be lots of unhappy couples doing the whole 2.4 children journey.

The way you worded this about self investment is lovely, and made me smile. Thanks for the hope x

Thanks for your comment and I make you quite right. I love my friends dearly, but a couple of them give their husbands such rough ride, so much so that if it were the other way around, I think some deeper accusations would be made. I guess most people, regardless of gender, can be potentially poor partners. I just have a bias towards my own experiences as a heterosexual woman. I believe there are great men, I just don’t believe they’re the ones out there looking, necessarily. Guess I’ll have to work on becoming a great woman in all things, as far as I can. One thing I know, is I always want to do better and leave a positive mark on the world

Generally no, they’re not worth it.

Thank you and great to hear your experience. Are you in the uk at all?

I've come across plenty of men like you describe, and I get where you are coming from. I'm happily single and have my son, career, home & pension so no material need for a man.

That does not mean I wouldn't welcome an intimate relationship, it just means I go on a lot of dates until the man assumes I will look after his children, cook his supper or sort his washing basically because he can't be bothered or has prioritised something else, at which point I stop seeing him.

If I ever find one who doesn't make those assumptions, I will enjoy spending time together and enhancing each others lives.

You never know who will come into your life tomorrow. Optimism is good. And If it doesn't happen, well, you've just avoided a lot of cleaning bathrooms. 🙂

Love this outlook, thank you for sharing! And sounds like you have accomplished lots! I will be hopefully buying my own home soon, once the ex relinquishes control. I can’t wait! Life and work are great; it’s relationships that so far have scarred me the most

You sound an extremely fair minded and balanced person justfindingmyway, your responses to all these posts are really well considered and I suspect that with these and other fine qualities you will achieve a huge amount and experience many amazing things, partnered or not.

Men aren’t really useful for most women these days

Thank you, that’s kind of you to say. Whilst the road has been really rough over the last 6 years, I am grateful for the insight and life lessons. There are wonderful PEOPLE out there, regardless of gender, and they deserve to find other good people. It’s just I think the men who shout the loudest may be the more entitled kind, and I’m talking about shouting about things that benefit them in relationships with no real understanding or regard for it being a two way street. I know I am accountable for my own negative traits, but as a minimum I want to acknowledge those and work on them for the sake of me and those whom i encounter. I can only hope I meet a like minded man in that respect 🙂 I hope life has a peaceful and happy path for you.

Im the same but sadly recently widowed. I'm ok.living on my own for the first time in my life. I would never live with another man, I like my own company now.

I’m sorry to hear. Are you doing ok? What is it about living alone that you enjoy? I ask, as I’ve not done it before, and I like to hear lived experiences