Had an affair and worked out OK

[NeedToEndIt]

I'm struggling with this after D-day from several years ago and would welcome thoughts from those that have been through this. Anyone else cheated on their husband but somehow hung onto their marriage and comfy lifestyle? What was the effect on him and how do you get through seeing the effect its had on him? Were you completely honest with him (and yourself) as to why and did anything really change on either side as a result?

A close friend of mine and her DH had this. He cheated with a younger girl from work. He was flattered a younger lady liked him in his 50s. He was shocked when my friend split up with him straight away. Most of their friends and family were shocked by his behaviour and he was probably a bit ostracized. His child wouldn't speak to him for months. It was so destructive and hard for them all. They went through all the begining stages of divorce.

He did put the effort in and a year or so later they reconciled very slowly. It's a very different marriage now. He changed jobs and industry. Equal shares of chores, he's a much more engaged dad, doesn't go out on benders with his mates now etc. My friend doesn't regard it as the same marriage though as the thinking of the "first" one seems tainted.

I'm proud of both of them for getting through such a tough time, especially when everyone around them knew and it was so public. Maybe that forces everything out into the open though so there's no unresolved issues?

It's bad enough that the one who had the affair didn't respect their partner enough not to cheat on them. But to maintain that lie for years afterwards shows even less regard and respect.

"I cheated on you and I don't even think enough of you to own up. You don't deserve the truth." That's the viewpoint of a sociopath.

My DH had an affair 2.5 years ago and we stayed together. He's done everything he can to address the root causes and in many ways he's a much nicer person to live with and a much better parent. I can respect him for how he's behaved since.

But there is no 'back to normal' and there never will be. We have a good life and on the face of it a good marriage, but I don't feel the same way about him anymore and never will. I'm not sure that I'll ever truly be in love with him again. The experience has made me more cautious and probably more selfish (or boundaried).

When our daughter is fully grown, we probably won't stay married. I don't see my future with him anymore. He doesn't know that I think this.

Not me, but my Uncle cheated on my Auntie in the first year of their marriage.

They are still together now, it must be 40-50 years I suppose, but from that moment onwards, she called the shots and he's had to suck it up.

Once you've had an affair you can expect to make a lot of compromises and wait a very long time (if ever) to be fully trusted again. I'd never cheat on DH, but if I did, it would be the end of the relationship because I couldn't live with the lack of freedom that it would entail, but would also completely understand that he wasn't going to trust me again.

I think the way you've asked the question says a lot about how your approaching this.
You "think" you've shown remorse. You either have or haven't - if your remorse isn't genuinely your husband will see that.
Do you really want to "hang on" to your marriage or is it just for the "comfy lifestyle". Really strange tone of questions to be asking if the regret is genuine

I'm not judging. I'm encouraging her to stand up for herself and tell him to cut contact. Never ever judge.

I had an affair with a work colleague that finished two years ago. I moved out of the family home and then confessed to DH. He took me back, against all my expectations. It is a different relationship now. He is less reliant on me for his happiness (in a healthy way). Our sex life hasn’t recovered yet, and possibly never will. I am deeply grateful to him and respect him far more. We love each other and trust each other but it won’t ever be the same. In some ways it’s a better and stronger relationship than it was, in some ways it is forever broken.

Like a PP, his family still don’t speak to me. I also lost my job and my career.

I think it helped a lot that I confessed. Also that he went to a good therapist who helped him heal and become less (co)dependent on me. It worked better for us that he healed independently first rather than us pitching straight into trying to save the marriage. I also did a lot of therapy which helped me be more at peace with my life and more conscious of boundaries. We also have a very strong shared incentive to stay together because we have young DC.

I would say DH was absolutely broken for about a year after I told him. He was mostly focused on the sexual betrayal and wanted to know some very very intimate details, which for me was the hardest conversations to have. We don’t talk about it now possibly as we both associate honesty with hurt.

So it’s all a work in progress. OP I would recommend Surviving Infidelity (there is a board for those who cheated). I hope it all works out for you. Forgiving yourself is part of the (very large and complicated) equation of saving the marriage.

From the other side of your coin.
I don't think it will ever go back to whatever normal you had before and you now have to find your new normal.

For me what helped was my wife finally being completely honest about everything with me. After I found out she was in a bit of denial. Didn't deny the affair as that wasn't deniable. She denied certain aspects of it like how long and such.

I think I reacted unusually. I forgave her straight off. Not for her but for me. I didn't want to hate her. But forgiveness and acceptance are vastly different despite often being confused.

I did not accept and we did get to the point of separation. But we were friends still and amicable.

Then I made her laugh. As I always aimed to make her smile always and it broke her. She confessed to everything. Held nothing back and answered any question so she could show me how sorry she was and for the first time I believed her.

We are a while down the road now and here is where its relevant to you.

I haven't gone a day without thinking about what happened. Which is progress from hundreds of times a day living the heartbreak over and over.
But its always there.

There is always the comparison. She never ever has made any comparisons. But I cant help but do so myself.
And it could be anything from physically to how I reacted to a situation. To not liking a certain type of food. The little dark part of your mind just chimes in with a "I wonder if she thinks hes better looking", "I bet he would have just put the shelves up without delaying a day", "I wonder if he would have shared her dinner"
Its unstoppable so far.

Then there is the random thought that pop into my mind about what they did together. Things I actually do not want to know.

Its less frequent now but still there.

What helps is saying when they get too much. I just say that i'm having a really off day with the unwanted thoughts. She understands and either hugs or gives me the space I need depending on what is right.

Something that helps both of us is a promise I made.
I will never, not even once, use the affair in an argument, to get my way or throw it in her face in any way. I want her to feel safe to talk about it and know I do not save ammunition and have no interest in revenge or anything like that.

There are times when its really hard on her. Recently I had to stay away for a few weeks to look after her dad. He has dementia and his with needed an operation that put her out of action for a bit so he asked if I would help him as he was too embarrassed to need help from his daughter for things like going to the loo or getting dressed.

During that time I was staying over every night and only seeing my kids and her briefly during the day.

My wife of course understood why and was thankful but it made her realise what she almost lost. She hated me not being there and said so. She said she was so stupid to have done what she did and selfish for not thinking of my feelings but so incredibly thankful that I am still here.

It really hit home just how close we came.

It does not go away. It will never be the same normal. But it can, if looked at right, be your strength and commitment. Let that part show and let him know too.

This sounds exactly like me. Except I came clean and ended the marriage thinking it was what I wanted with my new found sassy confidence. I was a huge idiot and I regret my actions every day. He was a good man and I was having some sort of “mid” life crisis that would have blown over. I think you have done the right thing.

A lot of what PPs said resonates with me and I will echo some of their views from my own experience as an injured party in this situation.

My DP had what I would describe as more of an emotional affair (there was some physical contact too like kissing but the emotional connection was actually the most hurtful to me). He did this when I was pregnant with our DS. I found out when DS was a newborn. At this point he ended it with OW and was just going to act normal with me and never tell me but the OW told me because she was hoping I'd leave him once I found out.

And this is it, I would've left immediately if we didn't have a newborn. There were so many nuances here to consider, whatever decision I made would've impacted my son and all I wanted was to give him the best start in life. I don't know if I've made the right choice but I have to trust that I did my best with what was presented to me at the time. I had severe postpartum depression, I was angry, I felt alone and like I had noone on my side. My family were telling me to stay considering the practical implications of being a single mum to a newborn, and my friends wanted me to leave, feeling I was being a pushover. There was no winning. I agree with PP - an affair changes everything for everyone who knows about it.

I stayed. DP appeared remorseful and let me rant, ask the most intimate questions over and over again. He immediately changed his jobs and went NC with OW (she was someone from work). He showed me any time she tried to contact him. He became open with his phone and whereabouts etc. We tried therapy. He gave me endless reassurance every day. It helped to know that he ended the affair before I even found out so the intention was to put things right but it didn't help that I had to find out from OW.

To answer someone else's question about telling her DH years after about affairs... I'd say please don't. Save them the trauma. This may be controversial but in my situation I wish I didn't know what I know...

Now can things ever get back to 'normal'? I don't believe there is a 'normal'. If someone cheated unfortunately that relationship was never 'normal'. There were always cracks, you just didn't notice them.

In my situation it's been almost a year since D-day and we found our routine back a little bit. DP is a great father, very hands on. He does more for our son than most of my friends' partners do for their children. He's great in that respect and I cannot fault him. And I love watching him laughing and smiling with our son. I can see how much he loves him and I want them to always live together and continue bonding. So no, I will not leave. I decided to try and cope with my struggles the best I can and be strong. I never ever want my son to find out about any of this or think less of his father.

At the same time, I don't feel connected to my DP anymore. Thoughts of the affair and little details I saw in their conversations etc. come back to me daily and they still hurt the same. I know that DP doesn't love me. If he did like he says he does - why would he do this to me?

So I struggle, although I try to suppress it now and don't bring it up as often. I'm not happy and probably never will be again. I can now see how me and DP are just different people, I would never cheat, even now.

My best friend's husband had an affair some years ago. I watched a strong and confident young woman (still in her 20s at the time) be brought down to her knees and broken. Friends and family had to pick up the pieces. She moved on and is engaged to a wonderful man now but she's still traumatised by this. When this happened I promised myself that I would never cause anyone this much pain. And I will stick to it.

Life has become about responsibility and routines. My DP still makes me laugh, we still do things together as a couple and as a family. I don't fully trust him though. And if I'm honest, I love him but I'm no longer in love with him. And I never will be.

I want every person who chooses to have an affair to think twice. Your partner may forgive you, but they won't see you the same. It's a choice you have to live with.

So where is your DP/DH in this? How does he feel, what is his level of acceptance about the situation because surely it isn't about you, it's how he is coping with the fact you were unfaithful to him. That's far more important to work through, depending on whether he has come away from the experience able to carry on as normal and wanting to stay in the marriage.

occasionally I'm not so sure about how he feels.

this is the crux of the matter - did you have sufficiently honest conversations about the aftermath of the discovery. If you don't know how he feels have you had further conversations, or don't you want to broach the subject with him. Is he still struggling iow.

Both things can be true - it can be self serving AND protecting her family.

Things will NEVER go back to normal. They will NEVER trust you again. You have to forgive yourself, and deal with how you are treated for the rest of your marriage.

Your response is rediculous! Tell us you defend cheaters without telling us defend them. Shame on you.

Protecting her family from what? Her behaviour?