Had an affair and worked out OK

[NeedToEndIt]

I'm struggling with this after D-day from several years ago and would welcome thoughts from those that have been through this. Anyone else cheated on their husband but somehow hung onto their marriage and comfy lifestyle? What was the effect on him and how do you get through seeing the effect its had on him? Were you completely honest with him (and yourself) as to why and did anything really change on either side as a result?

From personal experience, it's not worth saving a relationship. My case wasn't a full blown affair, but it broke the relationship entirely. We both thought that we just needed to talk through the problem, but it was just a symptom of a much deeper problem. The breach of trust lead my DP to resent me, which then lead to him being abusive to me. Because it was "my fault" I felt like I couldn't leave.

Yes, I had an affair 9 years ago. There were reasons but none good enough to explain so I wont. I felt our marriage was over when he found out, expected it to be, we had 1 DC at the time and he wanted to make it work. It opened his eyes to certain things I had been feeling, and we worked together to make us better people. I don't think he will ever forget but he trusts me and we have 2 more DC and a happy life.

I don't think you can ever get 'back to normal'. An affair fundamentally changes the relationship and I think you have to find a new normal. I don't know if the trust is ever repaired fully. Have you had couples therapy? Have you explored why the affair happened in the first place? I think you have to make an ongoing effort to show your partner that you regret it and that you are fully committed to doing the hard work of investing in the relationship. Your partner will probably be struggling with anger and resentment at times.

If it was me and I wanted to show I was 100 % committed to repairing damage would have nc with other person I had been mixing with. But then again I would not have done in first place. If I was not happy I would leave not cheat or emotional affair or whatever having trips out and meals and saying you at work is!

Anyone who is thinking of having an affair should read this.

I’m sorry you were so let down.

life has been an eye opener as i thought i had the perfect person who made me feel safe and he did but since that time i don’t feel that way anymore. The person who was my go to person, my best friend, my confidant didn’t want me after 30 years. It was so unexpected. I was happy when i went to work and that evening i was nothing…….

Do you have children OP? Because it’s not just your husband’s view you need to think about.

My Mum had an affair and left my dad for the AP when I was 5. Now 50 odd years later, I’m far closer to my dad than I am my mum and she knows it. He is much more important to me.

I think many people don’t realise these consequences when they start their affairs.

Well it can't go back to "normal" in the way that you seem to be expecting. The version of "normal" that you're talking about was a reality where your marriage was built on a bedrock of fidelity and (presumably) a history of honesty. That no longer exists and can never exist again. You cannot erase what you have done and it will always be a part of the history of your relationship. Some couples do find a new version of "normal life" but you're dreaming if you think your marriage can just revert back to exactly what it was before. That betrays a lack of understanding of the gravity of what you've actually done and the lasting impact of it.

I think you need to be really honest with yourself. The first thing you mention is hanging onto your "comfy lifestyle", and only after that do you mention the effect of your affair on your husband. This doesn't really sound like remorse. And without real remorse and understanding, you're flogging a dead horse.

It will take some time for things to get back to how they used to be.

Typically 2 to 5 years is the guideline. It requires true remorse and building the trust back isn't the same.

I'm a Counsellor, so I see this from all angles. Sometimes people stay in the marriage for convenience and a multitude of reasons, including kids....not so much because they still love them.

It takes looking at the reason the affair happened and being able to forgive yourself for the hurt caused. The guilt often comes from seeing your spouse hurt by your actions.

It's complicated and even though many couples stay together post DDAY, things are never his they were, which isn't always a bad thing, as the affair can bring about some positive changes to their relationship.

Agree. My mum had the affair and I was the one who found out. I love her but I don’t respect her or want to be like her. It’s not just your partner you let down.

Gosh that’s tough! How old were you? Did she know you knew? Did you tell your father.

Such a dreadful position to put you in.

I was young. Maybe 12? I picked up on little things, him coming over and asking to see my dad knowing he was at work. Caught them cuddling when they thought no one was looking etc. I think my mum thought because I was a child I was oblivious. It tore me up inside for years and has effected me greatly. I didn’t want to tell my dad and destroy our family.

She divorced my dad when I was around 16. Not for the AP, he moved away. She just wasn’t happy in the marriage. I told my dad after they divorced partly because he still held a torch for her and partly because he was still friendly with the AP and I hated that he was being taken for a fool. I resented my mum for a long time. Eventually I told her I knew and how it damaged me. She apologised but never really confessed to anything other than needing ‘emotional support’ from him.

She’s even more unhappy now than she was married and my dad moved on and has remarried.

I’m sorry that happened to you, no good age but 12 is such a difficult age for such a thing to happen.

The pressure you must’ve felt to keep that quiet.

If you were a man saying that on mumsnet you’d be utter trash on, a deceitful narcissistic 😂

This

Lost 90% of my social circle and basically had to start again

OM interestingly enough, didn't. However they split up some time later anyway and he then got together with another mutual friend who had slagged me off all over social media at the time. But this is years later and now I just find it really funny.

Men get away with this shit a lot more than women do.

@hangingonfordearlife1 I don’t think it’s ridiculous. I’d want to know if my life was based on lies and I would feel tricked and deceived. I would like to have the option to make my own decision based upon truth.

It's unlikely to ever be the same. He'll probably never really trust you again, even though he might say he does. And it would make sense, because you showed him in the past that he can't.

Relationships can survive affairs, if both partners are honest about the reason the relationship got to that point and work hard to change the relationship and work hard on themselves so they don't fall into the same patterns in the future, yes. Partner that had affair needs to be open and honest about the affair and cheated partner needs to be genuinely open to forgiving and moving on.

@NeedToEndIt Hi OP - I never had an affair. But my husband had one. It was 10 years ago. We are still married today.

I agree! I’d want to know the person I’m with, not the person I think I’m with!

Has it changed you? If so, how?

Same. My mum cheated on my dad. He took her back, but it didn’t work out. Her actions blew up my childhood. I’ve never forgiven her.

It did change especially whilst we were going through the healing process but our relationship is stronger now than it was before. I trust him completely now (again) and it’s very difficult to explain unless you go through it. But the best way I can explain is that during the affair he was a completely different person - and now he’s an improved version of the person I fell in love with

Did you confess or were you caught? I think that makes a big difference

She says in the first update that she was found out.