Had an affair and worked out OK

[NeedToEndIt]

I'm struggling with this after D-day from several years ago and would welcome thoughts from those that have been through this. Anyone else cheated on their husband but somehow hung onto their marriage and comfy lifestyle? What was the effect on him and how do you get through seeing the effect its had on him? Were you completely honest with him (and yourself) as to why and did anything really change on either side as a result?

There I no going back to 'normal', OP, thats well and truly gone. Would you want it to, anyway? Why did you have an affair?

If you've both decided to see it through, it'll take a long gone to rebuild the trust.

Speaking as a divorced husband whose OH had a torrid affair, I doubt he would knowingly stick around were he to find out.

I tried to stick around for a few months, but she just got worse and carried on with the affair. I had a moment of mental clarity when I moved out (we'd agreed temporarily). Being out of our home knocked me into my senses and I asked for a divorce. Which she didn't take very kindly.

It was a very strange time.

you wouldn’t feel anything because you wouldn’t know.

No, but I think it'd be quite sad to unknowingly spend my life with someone, who doesn't love and respect me enough to not cheat on me.

It's selfish and immoral to take that choice from your partner and justify it by "what they don't know, won't hurt them."

The phrases that stand out for me include calling someone else ‘lucky’ as they were not ‘found out’ and you think you’ve ‘shown’ remorse.
Remorse should be a feeling not a time limited demonstration. The injured party takes as long as they need to, to try and get their head and heart round one of the biggest betrayals anyone can go through. However weary you are about the impact still being felt imagine how your DH feels. When you smash a plate no amount of remorse anyways will make it the way it was.
Being found out not a matter of luck. It’s an awful thing to do to someone as agree with the person - just split up (out of respect if nothing else) if you want to… but go you keeping your lifestyle…

it’s not selfish to protect someone’s heart. it was a long time ago. she deeply regrets it. you wouldn’t be sad at all as i said…you wouldn’t know. why break a family now?

Of course it's selfish. You're lying to yourself, if you think hiding an affair is anything other than self preservation.

I know I wouldn't know. That doesn't change the fact that it's a deeply cruel thing to do to a person. Regret means nothing. If you didn't want to break up a family, then you shouldn't have cheated.

all true but no point in doing it now years later. i am a strong believer in what you don’t know doesn’t hurt you in a case like this. don’t break someone’s in heart if there is no need to

The time for worrying about his feelings was before having multiple one night stands and affairs.

1 one night stand could be considered a mistake, but doing it several times and having affairs, that's a conscious decision. There were hundreds of moments she could have decided to stop before she did, and she chose to carry on.

My husband had an affair and now we are on the verge of splitting

sorry to hear this.

Do you want to save the marriage or is there no going back?

I'm so sorry to hear this, I hope you are ok

do you have children together?

My OH had an affair with a work colleague on a work trip. D day was the worst day of my life. It never progressed as there were intense emails exchanged between them, that I found. I had a sixth sense and went looking. Two small DCs at the time.

it was hell for a year, two before I stopped shouting and now ten years later I get small wobbles and he is mostly very understanding of them. It fundamentally changed me forever as my OH is the only man I’ve ever trusted.

i trust him now, we are in our fifties and he says, and I believe him, that dealing with what he did to me altered him on a massive scale.

My best friend saw me through all of this and then turned around and had an affair on her DH. She showed no remorse and blamed him and I am realising I will never feel the same way about her. More so than my DH, as she has very little remorse.

These things change everyone involved on a cellular level.

Yes one child that we have raised jointly. It's more than 20 years down the road, but seeing her leaves a lump in my throat. The most shocking thing is that our marriage vows were thrown away for a fling that didn't even last. They should have shown some respect by hanging in there at the very least.

I’m think you are confusing ‘back to normal’ with amnesia.

Every individual is different. There isn’t a, if I do x and y, then that z should happen. Remorse doesn’t erase the pain that your actions caused. Some relationships survive and some don’t.

What I have seen on MN and in real life that sometimes, staying together becomes toxic.

Op your partner needs to hear about the shame you're carrying and how it affects you. How remorseful you feel. How much you worry about how they are feeling. All of that alongside doing everything you can to reassure them. Bring the affair up to them, don't wait for them to raise it.
I'm a year in since my husbands affair and we are mostly doing well but the marriage we had is over, we are building a new one.
For a long time I was the only one that brought it up. Now he will be open about how he's feeling about it and ask if there is anything on my mind, how can he be there for me.
Alongside all that I have totally free access to his location, phone, laptops etc.
It's a process, but your partner needs to feel they aren't carrying the weight of it all alone.

Sometimes in life it is best for everyone to let sleeping dogs lie.

She feels regret she feels remorse. There’s no need to throw a grande in his life and ruin everything.

What would that achieve apart from pain.

Well, she should've thought about that before cheating 🤷‍♀️. She's already thrown a grenade into his life and ruined everything. The act of telling him the truth would be the selfless one.

It would achieve not letting someone, who you supposedly love, live a lie and give them the chance to consent to staying in a relationship with a cheater.

@Utterlyincandescently it was a lie back then but it isn't now. I don't recognise the person I was in those days and am back to the person I was pre-cheating days. I therefore see no point in ruining my dh & dc life by confessing now.

Feeling regret doesn't absolve you of the consequences of your actions. Whether you like it or not, you ARE the same person, you did do that, and you're still lying. It's unbelievably self-serving and you're dressing it up as protecting your family.

You can’t judge her when you’re putting up with a cheating OH as well.

Did he actually cheat or just say he was leaving and you suspected it was for his friend?

I'm on the other side of this. My OH started an affair with a work colleague when our baby was 4 weeks old, my dad had just been diagnosed with Grade 4 cancer and was given a few weeks left to live and I was going through severe PND. After watching him die, I got back at 8am of the morning. He went out on a planned night out and didn't come back until 3pm the next afternoon, leaving me with our baby. He went to sleep in a hotel with her whilst my world had just fell apart. She has since left him and he's come crawling back to me, I've had him back for the sake our baby.

The effects have been immense on me. My self esteem and confidence is rock bottom. I'm having nightmares constantly and cannot grieve the loss of my dad as everything just reminds me of the affair. He has shown next to no remorse for what he did. I'm not eating or sleeping. My anxiety is also through the roof every minute of every day. I've been diagnosed with PTSD. I also had cancer a few years ago that was threated with HRT. That has also potentially returned through stress. I'm having to supress a lot to try and not push him back into her arms.

I haven't read the whole thread but from the last few comments it looks like there's something on both sides. The effects of cheating are huge, I personally can't see a way forward with it but trying my best.