May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

My eldest has PDA and it's been, and still is, so difficult. He refuses to behave in any form of pro social way and has run into many very serious real life consequences. He hasn't a friend in the world because he's vicious and he does his best to control and manipulate me. He's a carbon copy of his father despite being raised by me and only visiting his father. Looking back I can't see what I could have done differently, he needed iron hard boundaries. Maybe a military boarding school from aged 7? But that option doesn't really exist. I'm pretty sure that he has at least one PD. It's very sad that the difficulties come not just from the generation above.

My youngest is the opposite and can't stand my eldest. I moved away last year to protect us from my eldest because he was physically menacing us for money, or whatever else he wanted. Now I go and visit him at his place for about a week a month. I feel like I have to do that because I'm literally the only person on earth who speaks to him, other than agencies and authorities. When I'm not there he creates awful chaos and sometimes ends up in hospital, sometimes in police cells. I know that, on some level, he does that to make me come more often. My best friend, a very compassionate person who has had her share of shit says I must leave him to face his chaos and live my own life. But I just can't. He doesn't, can't, won't learn and change. He's obsessed with me and can't stand my focus being anywhere but him, and he's always been like that.

If I could give advice to those of you with younger difficult children it would only be to be rock hard on consequences and boundaries. Never ever ever one more scoop of ice cream, five more minutes of telly, nothing. He has raging adhd which I didn't pick up because it's a mixed type. He can sit still and would be top of the class but bored bored bored, needed a 24/7 personal jester and for life to be EXCITING 24/7.

Sounds like my daughter, always bored. But I’m with you on the boundaries. I’ve been over compensating because of the situation with her dad and it has bitten me in the arse. It’s hard when you want them to know you love them but it’s easily taken for granted by them.

It's very difficult happyfarm I don't know what the answer is. How do you separate love from being manipulated when someone's goal is control and manipulation?

Hi everyone. Hope you're all well, I've been taking a break for a few weeks. Was getting a bit overwhelmed with life. I haven't read the whole thread so sorry for jumping back in anyway!

I'm in a sort of weird but not weird place - you night remember that a few weeks ago I'd had a difficult conversation with my mother and she'd texted an apology and I didn't know what to do with it. Still don't know, tbh, but it feels like something in our relationship just shifted and broke a bit more. I did reply to her in the end, tried to be reasonably light hearted as I didn't now what to say and I am ashamed of the terrible anger I feel. I don't want to reveal it to her (what would be the point). Anyway, she ignored my reply and I've heard nothing since.

What I've been faced with is the fact that when I was basically mentally ill as a teen due to the stress of living in that house, she didn't notice. Self harming, struggling with food, severe anxiety, selective mutism, crippling fear of men - she was oblivious. She didn't look and she didn't ask. Mind you, she never asked if my monthly sick days were period related either, so what did I expect really. I knew this but I've never had to face it like this. I've got a DD of similar age and I don't know how it's possible to ignore someone so completely. I only know that it is.

I'm left wondering wtf she thought, if she thought I was happy, but the truth is that she didn't think about me in that way at all. I've also begun to realise that she valued her relationship with my father and in some way wanted to be in it. She wanted that relationship, even though he was hateful. She worked to keep it going.

I feel emotionally cut off in a way I didn't before. I also feel bad that I've been able to give my children no extended family on my side. They don't seem to care, but it is weird. I am sure it will get better with time.

Hope everyone els is doing ok. X.

I can see it more clearly with his father because obviously, he's not my child 🤣 and enough time has passed that I can look at him analytically.

His father has some very sweet qualities. He's fiercely loyal and in some ways very moral. The last time I spoke to his father he was saying that his colleagues all hated him. I asked him if he knew somewhere inside himself that this was only his distorted perception rather than actuality (paranoia) and he said yes. I found that interesting.

I can see that his father is a very frightened man who is always ready to 'defend the homestead' from perceived threats. But he could be exceptionally dangerous if you've been grouped into the 'threat' group.

Crazysnakes pat yourself on the back and give yourself a diamond tiara for not giving your children lunatic extended family. You protected them from awful people.

@Crazysnakes I'm so sorry, I teared up reading your story and how you were left to deal with It all. It resembles mine. I hope you can hug that young girl you once were. It's a tough pill to realise your own mother doesn't care whether you are well or not. But you know what, I still think it's better to realise than to continue living in denial. We realise we deserve much more and can start giving it to ourselves.

I used to have allergy induced asthma attacks at night and they'd ignore my coughing. Didn't take me to the doctor until I suggested myself that I would like to see one. I was a young teen and I used to go into the doctor's office on my own. He'd prescribe me something and that was it. It's so bizarre to me now. Also that the doctor did this without speaking to a parent.

My mother also knew I was suicidal, which she ignored. All sorts of other things they knew and ignored.

@Crazysnakes I think it’s difficult but it isn’t personal. They have very blinkered vision and it’s centred around themselves. I have this in my own family. It’s not that they can notice whether you are happy or not it’s that they haven’t the equipment to even acknowledge others. You exist and that’s it, without emotion, perhaps just fed and watered to keep alive, like a houseplant. The only thing that’s shifted in your relationship could just be that you aren’t emotionally reacting as much, time is shifting. They can never make it better, they just wait for time to pass and hope their sorry works as the energy fades.

It’s not that they can notice whether you are happy or not it’s that they haven’t the equipment to even acknowledge others that's mind blowing and very true.

They're very lacking really aren't they. I wonder if it's like we're speaking double Dutch to them?

Although, obviously, fuck them. The compassion we have must be preserved for ourselves now.

It would be like asking a 5 year old to consider others. They just don’t have the tools yet. They might perhaps if you offered a reward that would benefit them. Same thinking just in an adult body. I think we go wrong when we look at it through own brains, which have matured. We need to think 5 year old.

Or just only deal with actual five year olds 🤣

Yeah I’ve two ACTUAL children and a man child that need my attention lol!

I think Narc relationships are very transactional. They give but they expect in return. All the people they have will be giving them something. I noticed it with my ex. He had no emotional ties to things. Everything he has served a purpose and he could replace, upgrade etc without any thought. Whereas I struggled. For example the house suddenly became too small so that’s it, sell it. For me, the house was more than just housing us, it contained memories. I think they view people the same. I have friends not because they give me anything but because they make me feel good, we talk and it feels good, they are interesting. I spend time with them because that time feels good. A narc doesn’t view people for who they are but for what they can give them. Our value is inherent and they don’t see people’s energy or personality or knowledge just what they can do for them. It’s why I love my partner, he doesn’t expect me
to do anything, he likes me for me. I don’t need to be functioning a certain way.

@Happyfarm haven't got the equipment is exactly how it is. Not malicious, not on purpose, just completely lacking. I was invisible and I suppose mirrored what was expected - this child is fine, nothing to see here.

@Twatalert that's really shocking. It's neglect, isn't it? I had problems with awful periods right from the start and it was ignored - I think the only two times it was mentioned were when I got in trouble for taking some of her sanitary towels from the bathroom and when I got screamed at for taking ibuprofen from the cupboard. She never asked me what I'd taken it for, just called me selfish and horrible. I got told to write to sanitary towel companies and ask for free samples and apparently that should have been enough. I know now this is a type of hygiene poverty. In the end it was the receptionist at my school who rang her and told her to take me to the doctor, and that was after this had been going on for two years. At which point she said 'why didn't you say' 🙄

Does anyone else ever ask themselves if their parents actually like them?

@Crazysnakes why would they have a feeling of like if they don’t really see you. I think we put our words and feelings onto these people. I don’t think it helps as they don’t live in a conventional world like we do. Do you have feelings about your furniture or expect a chair to like you? These people aren’t people as we know it. They are void of feelings like “like”, “love” etc.

Narcs aren’t emotional beings. They won’t be able to recognise the beauty in you, your sparkle and your little ways and all those things that make you you. They see function and an object to serve a purpose. You are stripped back to a robot. Which is why we don’t recognise our self. So in that sense no they don’t like “us” because they don’t see us but they like what we do for them, what we give them.

@Dogaredabomb @Happyfarm I have overcompensated with my own teen. We have significant influence from grandmother ( very personality disordered), lots of difficult experiences and we have PDA, ADHD. I think sometimes the cards are stacked up here and we have no control of the outcome. PDA certainly overlaps in my view. It's difficult to know the intention though. That is what can separate PDA stuff from the personality disorder behaviour. I feel the two will co exist in many cases.

I honestly feel that if you try everything @Dogaredabomb and you have an adult refusing to do anything to help themselves, you are not wrong or cruel to completely detach. If something changes and boundaries you have in place are respected, then of course.

It's very difficult as mum's as we're biologically programmed to protect. I call out every single behaviour I don't like and am very firm on what I won't have. I stop communicating if it isn't respected. But I try accept that what will be will be here.

My daughter definitely shows signs of PDA but she’s only 9. Hers is definitely due to a strong need for autonomy and less to control a person intentionally. If she’s in control then she is more in control of her emotions. Outside of this and she’s quickly overwhelmed. It’s definitely not malicious, just self preservation. It is disordered though because no one in life can have control all the time, it’s just not possible.

@Crazysnakes you have nothing to feel ashamed about. Not one thing. The anger is quite important. The anger is the natural human reaction to the part of you seeing the cruelty and the injustice of the treatment you endured and had no choice but to.

Your body and subconscious knows how very poorly you were parented and is speaking out in feelings of anger. That is perfectly good and healthy. It will calm down in time.

Illness and sickness repels narcissistic mothers. I have fought for my life as an impatient for 6 months. Treated like a nobody, left with no clothes or things apart from good friends bringing bits in. A few obligatory visits. Then horrible emotional crap once out trying to recover from both mother and sibling in tag team.

I look at it as nothing personal. They don't actually like anyone. They don't like themselves most of all which is the problem behind their crazy behaviour.

Just heard from dh friend dm is in the local care home his dw was visiting and saw her scooting around in a wheelchair looking well. I obviously have no idea if she is in there for respite care or permanently. It's a lovely care home so it's nice to know she is being well looked after

I have no idea about the funding as the rent from her house will not even cover 2 weeks fees as it's a very expensive care home No idea if i should or would be able to visit her could dsis do something to stop me and dc going? Will she remember us as its been about 10 months since i last saw her

I don’t think it’s possible to not allow visiting without court ordered documents. When I split from my ex and he was denied contact, the school said without strict court ordered forms saying he couldn’t pick her up they couldn’t stop him. I would go, sod you dsis, but take someone, maybe call first.

I wouldn't call first but maybe take someone uninvolved for support. And perhaps take old photos to look through together. Definitely go though. Good luck 🍀

This is good advice