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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you react to the awful spouses of friends . I’m so turned off marriage lately. Following on …

56 replies

twinkltwink · 08/05/2025 14:47

Would you ever get married again ? I’m horrified by the behaviour you f friends/ family’s spouses lately and feel so turned off the idea.
im divorced, healed, independent, financially and emotionally secure and love my own company.
Id really enjoy a romantic partner too though.. a committed relationship.

However, in the last few months I’ve witnessed horrible behaviours towards some friends/ family by their spouses and I’m turned off .
for example: One called his wife a fucking muppet when she made an observation he didn’t agree with.
One forbade his wife from going to the pub because man who hit on said wife ten years previous was going to be in the pub.
One comes in from work every single evening, eats his dinner in front of tv and falls asleep immediately until he moves up to bed.
several
crotocose their spouses publically when they disagree on a topic or if the other doesn’t parent exactly the way the other agrees with.
Maybe it’s a coincidence but I’m appalled at the disrespect. Yet, they still cook, clean, organise , sleep with these spouses.
The bar must be low in my circle.
These people are generally kind, well educated, highly respected in their work and hobbies.
I don’t get it whatsoever .
Give me some hope please!!!

OP posts:
Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 14:48

the bar must be low in my circle

understatement

I love my friends spouses

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 14:49

Your friends are being abused op

and you don’t seem concerned in the slightest

KStockHERO · 08/05/2025 14:54

I'm married so not exactly the target audience for your thread.

But most of my friend's husbands are various levels of awful. Not in the leagues you've talked about here which is sometimes verging on abusive. Just generally boorish, boring, or self-important.

As I'm getting into middle-age, I have very low tolerance for men apart from my own husband, including friend's OH's. If I found myself single, I don't think I could/would marry again.

Cognacsoft · 08/05/2025 14:58

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 14:49

Your friends are being abused op

and you don’t seem concerned in the slightest

She’s so unconcerned she’s started a thread on it.
What do you want op to do?
Couples don’t take well to outsiders interfering in their marriage. They would probably accuse op of being jealous.

Rantypanties · 08/05/2025 14:59

A couple of my close friends have really nice husbands but when I think of the wider circle of ‘mum’ friends, some of the husbands are absolute knobs. Especially the ones nearing middle age. Luckily they dont tend to come along if we have any social gatherings arranged!!

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 15:02

Cognacsoft · 08/05/2025 14:58

She’s so unconcerned she’s started a thread on it.
What do you want op to do?
Couples don’t take well to outsiders interfering in their marriage. They would probably accuse op of being jealous.

What the op describes… if a close friend, I’d be concerned and I’d be talking to her.

I wouldn’t be looking at it and thinking “I am turned off marriage and will start an AIBU about it”

but each to their own

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 15:03

If this is all examples in front of you op

imagine what goes on behind closed doors

twinkltwink · 08/05/2025 15:41

My friends excuse their spouses all the time … bad day/ bad experiences with exes/ tired. I don’t try after that I guess. I just keep distance .

OP posts:
Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 15:46

twinkltwink · 08/05/2025 15:41

My friends excuse their spouses all the time … bad day/ bad experiences with exes/ tired. I don’t try after that I guess. I just keep distance .

Poor things

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 15:46

Have you ever married OP? If so, why did it end?

twinkltwink · 08/05/2025 15:55

I was married. It ended as he had an affair. He was a sex pest and coercive and I could not satisfy him as the cycle of resentment and being disgusted by his selfishness as a husband and father kicked in after I had our second child. So he got it elsewhere.

OP posts:
Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 16:05

twinkltwink · 08/05/2025 15:55

I was married. It ended as he had an affair. He was a sex pest and coercive and I could not satisfy him as the cycle of resentment and being disgusted by his selfishness as a husband and father kicked in after I had our second child. So he got it elsewhere.

i am surprised you have any faith in marriage left to lose OP given your own experience

Gwenhwyfar · 08/05/2025 16:11

I don't see this at all and I see a HUGE improvement from twenty years ago in terms of men and women doing childcare and housework and mothers being able to have hobbies, go out with friends, etc.

twinkltwink · 08/05/2025 16:15

I chose badly @Mexcitedfam. Nothing could have prepared me for the subconscious decision he clearly made , to continue to live his life as a single man ,devoid of responsibility as a husband and father despite all our shared hopes and dreams. There are good men out there. I read it here and I am friends with some.

OP posts:
TokyoKyoto · 08/05/2025 16:19

I have friends whose husbands are lovely (I mean I don't know them perfectly, this is just how they come across). They absolutely share childcare, they work hard, they do lovely things for their wives, they love their kids and look after their parents.

And then I have a couple of friends - who actually I am no longer that friendly with, partly because of this - and their husbands are complete cocks. Like, beyond the pale. One of them is so uptight and cruel about people, yet seems to adore her, but who knows what it's like behind closed doors. He is a prick. Another has hurt many people and is a professional laughing stock because of his behaviour, which has veered towards the sexually inappropriate.

But all that said, I just don't have it in me to find another man like DH, as they do seem rare. So if he isn't on the scene, I'm going to go it alone and I think I'll be fine. Certainly a couple of decades of seeing how men behave on the internet, where we can see their thought processes, has made me very sure I'm not risking my happiness and money for anyone.

Sodthesystem · 08/05/2025 16:20

I'd be looking at my friends like they'd grown two heads and tell them that shit was neither normal or acceptable. And ask them what they need to help them leave their abusers.

Sure, they might not be ready yet and you might lose them, at least for a time. But no way in hell would I just let that shit slide.

Sometimes all people need is to hear that nonsense isn't normal or acceptable from someone else.

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 16:21

twinkltwink · 08/05/2025 16:15

I chose badly @Mexcitedfam. Nothing could have prepared me for the subconscious decision he clearly made , to continue to live his life as a single man ,devoid of responsibility as a husband and father despite all our shared hopes and dreams. There are good men out there. I read it here and I am friends with some.

I know many many good men.

Including my friends spouses from what I see

Missingpop · 09/05/2025 18:19

if your friends are happy & putting up with it then you have to suck it up; if your standards are higher look in different circles for the guy to fulfil your dreams

MrsPlantagenet · 09/05/2025 18:21

You seem to be unlucky.

We have a huge group of friends and all of the husbands are decent chaps.

Gymmum82 · 09/05/2025 18:26

I wouldn’t get married again. Nor would I date again. Currently I am married with no plans to divorce but I guess you never know the future.
Some friends spouses are nice. Some are awful (most of those are on the way out or already gone)
My divorced friends who are dating though, it’s slim pickings out there. Seemingly only the dregs left. I’d rather be single forever than settle for any of the ones they’ve met online dating.

ThePoliteLion · 09/05/2025 18:29

I love my DH. He isn’t at all awful.
But if I wasn’t with him, I would enjoy living alone. I’d not be looking for someone to shack up with.

Lollipop81 · 09/05/2025 18:32

I am totally with you on this. I’m 44 and would like another relationship but men’s behaviour in general completely puts me off 🤣🤣

Endofyear · 09/05/2025 18:38

I think it's a shame that you've got friends who's spouses are so unpleasant. I've been married 35 years and get along great with my DH. He's not critical, in fact he talks me up in conversation with others - he told my mum that I'm the love of his life the other day (after a few beers!) We enjoy each other's company and still have a laugh together. I know a good number of other couples who have loving and healthy relationships. I'm sure there's still some good ones out there so don't give up hope of meeting someone!

Scottishskifun · 09/05/2025 18:42

I'm married but have a few friends with horrible husbands who take the biscuit with the way they behave and leave friends to do everything all while they make excuses time and time again.

Honestly I just see my friends without their husbands we have a far better time and don't have to fake pleasantries to their faces.
If we get invited to a rare event where they are arranging so they will be there I usually make my excuses.

Not all men are like this and I think having a good sense of spotting red flags early is key.

Liz1tummypain · 09/05/2025 19:38

It's sad to think there could be so many people trapped in horrible marriages. I hope they have the means to escape one day. Luckily I'm not aware of my friends being in these sort of relationships but you never know. And women can also be abusive, we can't overlook that. I'd be out the door if my husband mistreated me. Life is too short. I know it's difficult when kids are young. Guess I've been really lucky.

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