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Original poster

DH can be mean, but I don't think he means to.

82 replies

Ethicaldebacle · 08/05/2025 09:11

DH and I come from completely different career backgrounds he has a manual job (NMW), and barely finished his GCSEs.

I have two degrees, a masters, and I work in tech in somewhat senior roles.

Normally the difference is not an issue, but sometimes it is, like it is right now. I have been made redundant and he has said such things as "maybe there's something to it other than they don't need your role" or yesterday he told me that "maybe I got lucky with my first company, but I'm really not at that level" , "nobody would hire you because you don't have the experience" or the worst one when I was talking to him how I manage projects.. "how can you even have a job?"

I know he was tired and had a headache and I bombarded him with all the things the very nice career coach had told me, but to me it still feels he shouldn't have said any of that.

I know I'm not perfect (I corrected him about the use of the word "seldomly") - but generally I don't do it, and if I do it's more like a "random fact of the day".

OP posts:
leticiajones88 · 09/05/2025 08:13

This is similar to myself and my OH, and now I don’t work there were digs at the beginning.
i do think it is a case of they believe the ‘man of the house’ should be the sole provider and it may be a bit intimidating when they’re not. If someone at his work asked what I did he would be embarrassed that he was ‘just a factory worker’.
I would reassure him that all roles and jobs are valid and essential, and that just because you’re not working at the moment it doesn’t mean he should think less of you. Explain you are now taking you time to find the right role for your skills.

Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 09/05/2025 08:17

SilverButton · 09/05/2025 08:08

I just don't understand why being tired is a reason to be unpleasant? Sure it might mean he would say something irrelevant or inaccurate - that can happen if you're not really thinking straight. But why would being tired make someone be nasty?

I think overall it's because he thinks my whole job/industry is all BS (I think he doesn't understand it that's all) and he said as just speaking his mind.

He used to think I was fairly unstable at work, but at least he's backed off from that discourse

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 09/05/2025 08:21

I am absolutely bemused by your relationship. He totally disrespects you and what you do and yet is happy to live off that lifestyle. Do your children pick up on this disrespect? They are old enough to notice it. Do they share or dislike your ambition? God help you if they share his lack of ambition but want the same lifestyle.

healthybychristmas · 09/05/2025 08:21

Repeat post

Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 09/05/2025 08:26

healthybychristmas · 09/05/2025 08:21

I am absolutely bemused by your relationship. He totally disrespects you and what you do and yet is happy to live off that lifestyle. Do your children pick up on this disrespect? They are old enough to notice it. Do they share or dislike your ambition? God help you if they share his lack of ambition but want the same lifestyle.

Oh no our DC are mega ambitious thank goodness! One wants to be a politician (and already involved in youth politics), and the eldest wants to go into academia (thanks to me!)

OP posts:
SilverButton · 09/05/2025 08:27

Ethicaldebacle · 09/05/2025 08:17

I think overall it's because he thinks my whole job/industry is all BS (I think he doesn't understand it that's all) and he said as just speaking his mind.

He used to think I was fairly unstable at work, but at least he's backed off from that discourse

Show quote history

But the comments weren't about your industry. They were about you.

Lurkingandlearning · 09/05/2025 08:35

Ethicaldebacle · 08/05/2025 10:35

Well not really, unless you're some sort of manager. It's al manual work and no certifications.

Show quote history

I can understand why you want to discuss your career with your husband in so far as he is the person who is around the most. But he isn't in a position to say much more than tell you to do what you think is best because he has no experience in your field, work environment and hierarchy. It's unlikely he has a good grasp on your individual skills and potential. Other than to keep him informed at a basic level there isn't much point of having a discussion with him. Take his uninformed criticisms with a pinch of salt.

Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 09/05/2025 08:37

SilverButton · 09/05/2025 08:27

But the comments weren't about your industry. They were about you.

Show quote history

They were about me based on how he thinks things work. I.e. being able to move between projects at the same time. Or thinking that to be in sales you need to have shop/ sales expenses

OP posts:
snughugs · 09/05/2025 09:10

I don’t know how you stand it I really don’t. I’ve dated men like these, unbearable. Not only was I criticised endlessly and repeatedly told they’d be wealthy than me in time. Then it turns on my family apparently my brothers PhD in mathematics isn’t as good as his exes BSC in veterinary nursing and his home is the same as my Mothers (only it’s significantly bigger and twice the price). It’s brutal!

I have a snoop on them occasionally and think what an incredibly fortunate and lucky escape. What was I thinking?

Noshadelamp · 09/05/2025 09:14

It's very sad op because it sounds like you're so used to him being nasty and putting you down that your self esteem has suffered over the years.

Like pp have said, being tired isn't an excuse for being nasty but you seen to accept that and even offer him that excuse as a given.

Oh no our DC are mega ambitious thank goodness!
You say you're not bothered by his lack of ambition but when asked about your dcs show obvious relief at their ambition.

Also re commuting for 75mins, who said that was too much?

Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 09/05/2025 09:22

Noshadelamp · 09/05/2025 09:14

It's very sad op because it sounds like you're so used to him being nasty and putting you down that your self esteem has suffered over the years.

Like pp have said, being tired isn't an excuse for being nasty but you seen to accept that and even offer him that excuse as a given.

Oh no our DC are mega ambitious thank goodness!
You say you're not bothered by his lack of ambition but when asked about your dcs show obvious relief at their ambition.

Also re commuting for 75mins, who said that was too much?

I think it's a different thing though, I want them to do well in their lives for themselves, but I also understand not everybody is that way and they all have different goals in life (but yes I'm glad my DD wants to be in politics and is already working to get there).

It was the hiring manager that wouldn't offer me the job because of the commute. He said that he'd done that same commute himself and that it would eventually tire me out and quit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 09/05/2025 09:24

Lurkingandlearning · 09/05/2025 08:35

I can understand why you want to discuss your career with your husband in so far as he is the person who is around the most. But he isn't in a position to say much more than tell you to do what you think is best because he has no experience in your field, work environment and hierarchy. It's unlikely he has a good grasp on your individual skills and potential. Other than to keep him informed at a basic level there isn't much point of having a discussion with him. Take his uninformed criticisms with a pinch of salt.

Show quote history

Yes, that's exactly what I think.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 09/05/2025 09:40

Ethicaldebacle · 08/05/2025 09:26

The rest of our marriage is pretty blissful. He's thoughtful, and considerate.

I don't think it's so much the financial pressure (were ok thanks to an inheritance) but more than he knows that if I can't get a remote job, I'll start making noises that we need to move.

Is the inheritance from his side of the family or from yours?

Even though he has apologised, his comments were so uninformed and spiteful that I would find it hard to get past this. It's obvious that it's your job that has been funding the family's lifestyle. He is obviously doing completely unskilled work that anyone could do. Has he never wanted to retrain or progress in any way?

Being made redundant is very upsetting and a knock to one's confidence. Surely the least he could do is be kind and supportive?

Daisydoesnt · 09/05/2025 09:41

OP the comments your DH made were really unkind. If a friend or family member said any of those to me I would be really hurt. But from a husband? Isn’t your partner in life supposed to be your biggest cheerleader? Boost you up when you’ve had a set back?

“maybe there's something to it other than they don't need your role" is DELIBERATELY worded to undermine your confidence, to stick the knife in. I am appalled on your behalf, and saddened for you that you seem to be so accustomed to his negative comments. If I were you I’d and try and find a friend or ex-colleague that you can chat to instead about work problems.

Wishing you the very, very best of luck with your job search.

WildflowerConstellations · 09/05/2025 09:54

So being devil's advocate here. The comment about redundancy might be because he knows that sometimes this does happen - people are managed out due to personality clashes or loyalty conflicts e.g. new director wants to create new roles for old mates. The project management one might be because he has seen trade projects managed very differently.

However, he is being a massive bellend. The comment about "maybe you can't work at that level/you don't have experience" is totally unnecessary and the opposite of what you should say to your partner who needs building up at a time of uncertainty.

I would try and discuss career things with people who are more supportive. Redundancy can knock your confidence and you need your confidence and belief in your skills right now to go for the best roles.

You sound highly qualified and successful. Don't listen to Mr Negative!

Starseeking · 09/05/2025 10:02

it sounds like your DH is frustrated by his own lack of ambition and earnings (I assume you are the main breadwinner), and is taking it out on you with these horrible words, which are explicitly about you (not your work), and designed to put you down.

It’s not acceptable.

My EXDP, who even though he was on a good salary (I earned 3 times more than him), used to do similar. It got to the point where I didn’t even tell him when going for a big promotion (would have been an £80k pay rise) as I knew he’d sneer at me.

While he sounds good in other ways, I would suggest you speak to him about how it makes you feel when he makes these particular comments. He should also get some counselling or therapy, as his own lack of progress clearly does bother him, and getting to the root of it may help.

Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 09/05/2025 10:17

He's very supportive in other ways, it's always the professional stuff that he's a bit odd about.

BTW my self esteem / confidence wasn't really shattered by this experience. I had already figured out that I this company was too "small" for my aspirations.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 09/05/2025 10:19

Old as the hills. Some (inadequate) men just can’t handle “their” woman earning more than they do.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 09/05/2025 10:45

@Daisydoesnt "“maybe there's something to it other than they don't need your role" is DELIBERATELY worded to undermine your confidence, to stick the knife in."

Yes, that was particularly mean. And now he's claiming you're "taking his words out of context", which is slippery and a bit gaslighty.

It also means that he's not taking responsibility for the fact that he deliberately tried to hurt you/cut you down, which is what this particular comment intended to do.

Which means he will keep doing it.

You also should push back on the narrative of "he was just tired". When I am tired, I might get a bit snappy with my H in the sense of "I'm exhausted, can we talk about what happened at work later, let's get dinner sorted so I can collapse on the sofa." I wouldn't say mean shit to him about how incompetent he is at his work, because it'd be nasty.

Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 09/05/2025 10:54

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 09/05/2025 10:45

@Daisydoesnt "“maybe there's something to it other than they don't need your role" is DELIBERATELY worded to undermine your confidence, to stick the knife in."

Yes, that was particularly mean. And now he's claiming you're "taking his words out of context", which is slippery and a bit gaslighty.

It also means that he's not taking responsibility for the fact that he deliberately tried to hurt you/cut you down, which is what this particular comment intended to do.

Which means he will keep doing it.

You also should push back on the narrative of "he was just tired". When I am tired, I might get a bit snappy with my H in the sense of "I'm exhausted, can we talk about what happened at work later, let's get dinner sorted so I can collapse on the sofa." I wouldn't say mean shit to him about how incompetent he is at his work, because it'd be nasty.

Edited

Yes, I agree being tired is not an excuse. He says that he kept talking to me because he thought the alternative "can we talk tomorrow, I'm too tired" would have annoyed me. Which I've now told.him at least twice that it was a much better alternative

OP posts:
Megifer · 09/05/2025 11:00

My dear old Dad used to say to me to never be with a man who earns less than me.

For years I thought he was being a sexist arse but in the past few years I get what he meant - men generally IME don't like it when women earn more/are more successful. Oh sure they don't mind when they're letting you put your hand in your pocket and subsidising them. But when that stops for whatever reason or gets flagged up, their true colours are shown.

Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 09/05/2025 12:30

Megifer · 09/05/2025 11:00

My dear old Dad used to say to me to never be with a man who earns less than me.

For years I thought he was being a sexist arse but in the past few years I get what he meant - men generally IME don't like it when women earn more/are more successful. Oh sure they don't mind when they're letting you put your hand in your pocket and subsidising them. But when that stops for whatever reason or gets flagged up, their true colours are shown.

I think that's partially true.

I also don't need to get a job (we don't need the £££ thanks to an inheritance) so I'm finally doing it because I WANT TO. So maybe that has also moved things around his head.

OP posts:
Notmyrealname22 · 10/05/2025 00:39

I'm going to just quote back to you the things you DH has said to you and my interpretation of them:
”maybe there’s more to it than they don’t need your role” (they fired you because you’re useless)
”maybe you got lucky with your first company but you’re not really at that level” (you are not good enough for the job)
”nobody would hire you because you don’t have the experience” (you won’t get another job in this role, you’re not good enough)
”how can you even have a job?” (You are completely useless at your job and they should fire you for how you handled this project)

I can’t tell for sure, but I don’t think all of these happened in one conversation, so his excuse of being tired is BS! He is consistently negging you to try to shatter your confidence and bring you down. He has an inferiority complex and wants to make sure you don’t think you’re better than him. As for the “taken out of context”, ask him what was the context and what did he really mean?

He is being truly awful to you, all the while enjoying the benefits of having a high earning spouse. Pull him up and have a proper conversation about it. Ask him with genuine curiosity why he feels the need to make negative comments about you in relation to work. Then be silent and let him try to wiggle his way out of it. If he says I’m joking, a PP had a great response to that. Any excuse, drill into it and ask him to explain further.

Then Every time he makes a comment like this, pull him up on it. “What do you mean by that?”, “I don’t make negative comments about your ability to do your job, why do you feel the need to do this?”, “you don’t have any experience in this, so you’re really not in a position to comment”, “I’m sure if I did a NMW job, I would find it easy too, however jobs at my level come with challenges, that’s why they pay me the big bucks”. And yes, I would make progressively nastier comments the more he did this if he’s not realising this needs to stop.

I am also a project manager. I find my job stressful and always feel like I am getting things wrong (it’s a bloody hard job). My DH’s response is to support me, tell me what a great employee I am as he hears me on calls and knows I am professional and hard working, and tells me they are lucky to have me. He has a lot more experience than me so tries to help me with my problems and always offers himself as a sounding board. I know your DH can’t do that as he has no experience, but at the very least he can be supportive and say he understands it’s a tough job and he knows you are smart and hardworking so he knows you will succeed.

@Ethicaldebacleyou deserve better than this. Don’t accept this treatment.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 10/05/2025 00:50

He's being spiteful.He seems to harbour a lot of resentment and I would have a conversation with him about it.

Your husband should be your biggest cheerleader not the critical voice in your head.

Original poster
Ethicaldebacle · 10/05/2025 06:15

Notmyrealname22 · 10/05/2025 00:39

I'm going to just quote back to you the things you DH has said to you and my interpretation of them:
”maybe there’s more to it than they don’t need your role” (they fired you because you’re useless)
”maybe you got lucky with your first company but you’re not really at that level” (you are not good enough for the job)
”nobody would hire you because you don’t have the experience” (you won’t get another job in this role, you’re not good enough)
”how can you even have a job?” (You are completely useless at your job and they should fire you for how you handled this project)

I can’t tell for sure, but I don’t think all of these happened in one conversation, so his excuse of being tired is BS! He is consistently negging you to try to shatter your confidence and bring you down. He has an inferiority complex and wants to make sure you don’t think you’re better than him. As for the “taken out of context”, ask him what was the context and what did he really mean?

He is being truly awful to you, all the while enjoying the benefits of having a high earning spouse. Pull him up and have a proper conversation about it. Ask him with genuine curiosity why he feels the need to make negative comments about you in relation to work. Then be silent and let him try to wiggle his way out of it. If he says I’m joking, a PP had a great response to that. Any excuse, drill into it and ask him to explain further.

Then Every time he makes a comment like this, pull him up on it. “What do you mean by that?”, “I don’t make negative comments about your ability to do your job, why do you feel the need to do this?”, “you don’t have any experience in this, so you’re really not in a position to comment”, “I’m sure if I did a NMW job, I would find it easy too, however jobs at my level come with challenges, that’s why they pay me the big bucks”. And yes, I would make progressively nastier comments the more he did this if he’s not realising this needs to stop.

I am also a project manager. I find my job stressful and always feel like I am getting things wrong (it’s a bloody hard job). My DH’s response is to support me, tell me what a great employee I am as he hears me on calls and knows I am professional and hard working, and tells me they are lucky to have me. He has a lot more experience than me so tries to help me with my problems and always offers himself as a sounding board. I know your DH can’t do that as he has no experience, but at the very least he can be supportive and say he understands it’s a tough job and he knows you are smart and hardworking so he knows you will succeed.

@Ethicaldebacleyou deserve better than this. Don’t accept this treatment.

All comments (apart from the one about the redundancy) were part of the same conversation.

And the one where he mentioned about "no one would hire you" was about a different (adjacent but different) type of role.

The other side of the coin is that he says I don't need support groups, career coaches, or help in general because I'm very capable of getting a job by myself.

OP posts: