DH can be mean, but I don't think he means to.

[Ethicaldebacle]

DH and I come from completely different career backgrounds he has a manual job (NMW), and barely finished his GCSEs.

I have two degrees, a masters, and I work in tech in somewhat senior roles.

Normally the difference is not an issue, but sometimes it is, like it is right now. I have been made redundant and he has said such things as "maybe there's something to it other than they don't need your role" or yesterday he told me that "maybe I got lucky with my first company, but I'm really not at that level" , "nobody would hire you because you don't have the experience" or the worst one when I was talking to him how I manage projects.. "how can you even have a job?"

I know he was tired and had a headache and I bombarded him with all the things the very nice career coach had told me, but to me it still feels he shouldn't have said any of that.

I know I'm not perfect (I corrected him about the use of the word "seldomly") - but generally I don't do it, and if I do it's more like a "random fact of the day".

I take from it that she's having to face all the financial burden on the relationship and that's bang out of order.
I have no job and never will again, so if my partner was a min wage cleaner it would be fine.

Its not fine for OP to have to fund this blokes life while she gets negged out by someone about their work ethic by someone with a much lower paying job.

Exactly! That was the annoying thing. I didn't want to escalate it, but I just wanted to reply "how would you know anything about this?"

I didn't, but I did send him a message this morning. He replied apologising and accepting he was harsh.

My late FiL was like your DH and, eventually, it drove my DMiL away.
We were not surprised his 2nd partner, although lovely, was, intellectually, very different to his ex-DW.
If you put up with this nastiness then don’t be surprised if it continues.
My DH is very intelligent but hates exams (he’s literally sick just at the thought); I have more qualifications than him but I stamped on him immediately he started on the “what’s the point” attitude. He hasn’t done this since.

What on earth are you on about @Redrosesposies ? Responses would be the same if the DH was a hedge fund manager and the OP was a chambermaid and he was giving her tips on how to do hospital corners better to keep her next job, rather than being supportive. Or perhaps if your partner started trying to tell you how to market your chip on shoulder enterprise even more effectively

@Ethicaldebacle I can relate a little in that my recent ex left school with zero qualifications and worked manual jobs all his life and currently in shift work which he made clear he didn’t enjoy when I met him. I have GCSEs, A levels and a degree along with some professional project management qualifications. It surprised me how there was a veto on me talking about work not that I talk about it anyway only when something majorly stressful was happening and how you’d want a handhold from your partner just to listen to you for a few moments. Yet was happy for me to talk to him about his. He was pretty controlling yet had a massive hang up about fact I could wfh. When his daughter from his first marriage started an apprenticeship and started wfh some days (inappropriately as I believe she did it without permission if her manager was not in the office), he started saying stuff like well Lucy said it’s easy and if she just wiggles her mouse she gets paid! I had to remind him I’m 49 with a full on project manager role so assured him that’s not what my day looks like. He also really really struggled to understand what I actually did as I work on securing our borders/trade issues etc yet if he asked and I told him he looked so angry after?!

We were intending to set up home together and early retirement and how we would look into funding it, joint budget required etc. and when I told him I’d got a bonus or how my pension was shaping up he seemed cross about that too. Bear in mind he was 52 and had plenty opportunities to improve his earning power but chose not too.

I realised he has an inferiority complex so for that reason and his controlling paranoid nature I just dumped him as although he could be sweet, thoughtful and loving, it just felt like part of him hated and begrudged me my work life also.

I think he does mean it. Those aren’t things anyone could say by accident. Maybe he feels threatened by your success.

Not by accident.

But he gets frustrated because he gets lost in what I say. Plus he was really tired yesterday. I'm not excusing him, but I can see why it happened

You ARE excusing him.

Being tired does not excuse him from being unkind and discouraging to you.

those were four or five separate, nasty statements though. Not just being a bit grumpy / unhelpful in the moment.

In general in the past was he positive about you doing well at work?

Yes it was that there were so many of them what really got me.

He's become more supportive over the years (he originally wasn't but he's never really understood what I do for a living, at least not in full)

The sticking point has always been wanting to move.

"The sticking point has always been wanting to move."

So you want to move and he doesn't? How big a move is this? What will it mean for him in terms of culture, language, opportunity etc?

The reason why we haven't moved is because of DC... As we live 6 hours (give or take) away from London.

He's negging you.

That doesn't come from a good place. It's deliberately done to tear you down and make you feel bad about yourself.

OK so the history is that he has NOT been supportive of you in your career.

Regarding moving and who might/might not be U what ages are the DC now? Is the problem that there are few alternative remote or commutable jobs for you where you live now?

Does it really not bother you though? He doesn't sound emotionally supportive.
So frankly what's the point in being with him?
If you had no job or income would he still want to be with you?

Yikes. What do you two talk about in your down time?

If he makes any of these remarks in future, I would find it hard not to say 'Well, you don't know anything about a job that requires skills, cos yours doesn't'. Why hold back when he doesn't?

I'd also be shadow planning (ie secretly) for an alternative future where you move without him.

Yes that's the problem. The DC range between 13 - 17 yo

Our hobbies are basically the same ones, so we definitely always have something to talk about!

To the PP who asked if his lack of ambition ever bothers me, no it doesn't

OK so really IMO you’re stuck where you are until youngest DC finishes school. If he’s a good dad and works reasonable hours an option for you could be a hybrid job staying away a night or two most weeks.

If he doesn’t currently work reasonable hours he should do what most low earning mums do and seek a job with better ones, to facilitate your higher paid work and help the family.

This is the first time I'm actively going for a hybrid role. Last year I got to offer stage BUT they wanted me to relocate even though it was hybrid and the drive wasn't TOO bad.

Same happened a few years before. They said the commute was too long. 75mins driving

To the PP who asked if his lack of ambition ever bothers me, no it doesn't

I’m surprised by this to be honest. He sounds like a bit of a loser. A nasty loser who is very threatened by your career success.

I don't he's a loser. Some people are ambitious and some aren't. That doesn't make him a loser

How did the rest of the conversation go after that? Did you try to comfort him by saying something like, “So what are you trying to tell me that I’m stupid?”

My husband used to have this habit of making “jokes” that aren’t really funny, if anything, they’re just irritating. Most of the time, I let them go in one ear and out the other, but it got to a point where it was constant and wearing me down. So eventually, I confronted him. As expected, he quickly brushed it off by saying, “It was just a joke.”

To which I would said, “Which part of that was funny? Explain it to me, so we can laugh together”

After that, the behavior stopped—completely.

He accepted he was harsh, but also that I was taking his comments out of context. To which I just said in a very firm straightforward way "you have zero experience of working in my sort of industry or even a corporate job, so you have no way of having an opinion, it's like I were to tell you how your working environments work when I've never experienced them."

Before we went to bed I also told him again that it's best to say he's tired if he really doesn't have the mind space to listen to me.

I just don't understand why being tired is a reason to be unpleasant? Sure it might mean he would say something irrelevant or inaccurate - that can happen if you're not really thinking straight. But why would being tired make someone be nasty?