Partner asking for declaration of trust before we get married

[Candleinalantern]

I have lived with my partner for nearly 2 years, we currently share all our finances with all our wages going into one account and all outgoings coming out of the same account, works quite well for us. We have 6 kids between us, I have 2, he has 6 and we share custody 50/50 of all the kids with our ex’s. He earns more than me with his salary being 62% of our total monthly income. It has always felt equal to me as he may earn more but has more kids (rightly or wrongly).

Now a year ago I sold my property, it was needing money spending on it and we said we would use the equity I earned to pay a part off the remaining mortgage on his property, we have the money in a savings account and we are currently saving up to pay off the remainder of the mortgage.

He has recently proposed to me and we are planning on getting married this year, however, he has recently asked me for declaration of trust for his own security in case we get divorced. This is fine as he has a lot more equity in the property than my contribution is but after thinking about it I can’t help feeling that I wish I had of just kept my property and rented it out and he could have had the house we are currently living in for him/his kids and I could have kept mine for me/my kids. I obviously would have contributed to bills etc in his house but it’s just made me feel that I while he is thinking about what’s best for him I need to think about what would be best for me. Can anyone offer any advice?

I am previously divorced and I find it hard coming from being in a marriage where everything was just ours together 50/50 no matter what to we can share a life together but not everything. I have no intention of getting divorced or ever taking more than what I have contributed/entitled to. I know he should protect himself but it just leaves a sour taste and I suppose it makes me feel we are never going to be equal. I just don’t know what the best way forward is and would appreciate any advice anyone may have.

Are you absolutely sure you want to get married again under these circumstances? What's wrong with just living together and you having a house that you rent out on the side? You moving into his house and selling your only asset makes you quite vulnerable should the relationship end. Are you really up for starting over again with your kids and having nowhere to live? It could take years before the money you have put into his property comes back to you should you get divorced.

I don’t disagree and it would also protect what I put in. I would also require he puts me on the deeds if this is the route we go down. Alls I’m wondering is it just better to have my own property and he just keep his.

I would have been able to keep my previous home and contribute towards his bills fairly.

It is definitely better for you to have a separate property, especially from a practical point of view if you split up. However, if you get married he will have a claim on that property too. Both houses will be marital assets. As a divorced woman I totally get that you want something that is just yours, but once you get married nothing is going to be just yours either way. You can do a prenup but not even that is a guarantee that you get to keep what you came into the marriage with.

Hear hear! the whole setup sounds a really, really bad deal for OP and her DC.

I think you should protect what you each have. Yoy can elect to buy another house if you want rather than put your money into his or you get a % of his house (with your name on deeds as tenant in common).

You know you need to protect yourself and your kids as he has done. Buy another btl property with your equity and let out. If a divorce in the future you would have that house to move into.

If you have different sets of children, don't share money at all. Protect your own money like a tiger with a cub.

You’ve sold your property so can’t turn back time, but you can look carefully at and perhaps get advice about your personal options now regarding marriage, money and housing matters, and he could do likewise, then see if you can find a solution acceptable to you both.

If for example your DP wants certainty of a pre-agreed split of your respective assets in the event of break up marriage might not be his preferred solution.

I'm sorry, you lost me at been together years and sharing all your finances. That's utterly bonkers.

Keep your own money in your own account. My gosh woman, you have kids to think of too.

'we have our money (FROM YOUR FLAT SALE) in a savings account'. As in with his name on it too?! This is horrifying op!

I'm genuinely terrified for you.

Get your money out asap.
You've only been with this guy 2 years and you're not married!

What the actual fuck. I despair sometimes.

Why would you want to marry this man or live together? It would probably be way more enjoyable to just date him without making all the kids get involved, and household drudgery.
Keep your asset and your kids can enjoy their own peaceful home.

You are not wrong!

I could be wrong but if you marry, whether or not you have a separate property is not going to matter - both properties would be considered marital assets. In which case, either way, as the two lawyer son this thread have already stated, your best bet is a detailed prenup?

And then in that prenup you'd have to agree how these assets are split. I would argue that paying off his mortgaage and ring fencing the value of that payment is the easiest and most financial sensible vs taking on a new mortgage AND keeping a new mortgage which you'd both have to pay in.

So if his house is worth £500k. And you put in, today, £150k and that pays off the remaining mortgage, your prenup would say that in the event of a divorce you would be entitled to 30% of the value of the house, whatever it may be at the time of divorce. So if the house continues to increase in value and you divorce after 10 years when the house is worth £600, you will see return of 20%.

it seems to me the BIGGER issue is if one of you dies. I think you need a lawyer to make sure that should you die, assuming you want to leave your assets to YOUR children, that it's clearly articulated that at that point, your children become 30% owners of this house. I have no idea how tod o that, but you should.

I think you are better off buying your own property and not investing in his. If something happens to you it could turn into a nightmare for your children.

I think it depends as to when any additional assets were acquired. So if OP buys property after the marriage then could be considered a matrimonial asset but not if she purchases it before hand. Also depends how finances from said asset are integrated into the family/joint budget.

@Candleinalantern Shame you sold your own home without taking independent financial advice really as obviously a partner is only going to have their agenda they’ll be pushing. However, it’s not too late and I would definitely look into doing this now and sooner rather than later!

There are tax implications for a married couple who each own their own separate house. Best you seek legal advice.

Hey, it's totally understandable to feel unsure, but a Declaration of Trust isn’t unusual—it’s often just about keeping things fair, especially if one of you is putting in more financially. It’s not necessarily about mistrust, just planning for the future. A quick, open chat and maybe some legal advice can help clear things up. Wishing you both the best!

You are being extremely naive, if your joint money is in a joint account he could take it all, and by investing in his house and not your own, you are losing out massively. As the value of his house will increase multiple times in the next few years and you will not benefit.

Take the money out, invest safely immediately and buy a small buy to let as a nest egg.

I would seriously rethink getting married and saddled with so many children and so much future cost.

Do whatever would leave you in the best position to house you and your children if you split up. I doubt that is paying off his mortgage.

Yes. To answer your question, in hindsight you probably would’ve been.
However, if you’re paying off ‘his’ mortgage, you need your name on the deeds. And tbh a declaration of trust, providing it acknowledges your financial contribution to ‘his’ property, and specifies how you’ll be entitled to an equity share - this might actually protect you.
So I think what I’m saying is, the declaration of trust can be a very positive thing, but take some independent advice of your own before agreeing what you’ll do with your money, and the contents of the declaration,

Clearly selling your house was a mad decision now that he has said this.

This decision was not in your childrens best interests.

How EXACTLY would you house your two children if this relationship went tits up?
How would you get your money?
How long would it take?
How much would it cost you?
Could he drag it out for years?
He has 6 kids?

Utter madness. I really feel for your children in this.

Him telling you this NOW after you have sold your home is a massive red flag.

He's protecting himself and his children and you most certainly are not.

Paying off his morgage is great for him and his SIX children.

He saw you coming I think.

Your money in a shared savings account?
Are you truly out of your mind.
Bloody hell if you have.
Unbelievable how naive some women are that have children depending on them for housing.

he might want to divorce you one day - and you will have little control over this.

The first thing to do immediately is to protect the money you have. This is 100% your money, and it needs to be in an account solely in your name. Move it now and work the rest out later!

The way to protect your contribution to the house on death, as @MattCauthonhas mentioned, is to ensure that (1) you are legally registered as a joint owner of the house and (2) you hold that ownership as tenants in common rather than as joint tenants. A tenancy in common means you each own divisible shares, eg your 30% and his 70%. Then you can leave your share to your children on death and give versa. If you own as joint tenants, whatever your will says, your “share” of the property can ONLY pass to the surviving owner.

You can provide (if you want to) for husband to have a life interest in the property, enabling him to live there until his death, whereupon both your shares would pass on the trusts set up in your wills (up you children, presumably). If you don’t give him a life interest then either he’d have to buy out your children to stay there, or the house would have to be sold on your death to pay your children their inheritance.

A tenancy in common does require a declaration of trust to identify the percentage shares of each owner. This may be what your partner had in mind. However, in a divorce instead of death scenario, this is irrelevant because - absent a valid pre-nup - all marital assets are in the pot for division on the basis of need, regardless of who contributed the asset in the first place.

As a divorced woman myself, there is no way in hell I would ever Co-own a property without the above in place. And I don’t see myself marrying again at all, because I am not willing to see any more of my capital disappear if a relationship breaks down, even more so if I’m not the one to leave! And the cause of the divorce is not relevant to the split of assets so you have no control over that.

You said "we have the money" I hope you meant that you have your money in an account he has no access to. If not that should be your first move, before he decides that any part of it is his

Then, frankly, I'd reconsider every aspect of the relationship. Is it really what you want or just what you have?

I read it that OP put all the equity money from her house sale into the joint account.

OP: get your equity money out of the joint account. Then invest it wisely - likely in another property - in your name only.

Do not get married - you have your own 2 dc and he has his own 4. You will each have your own property. By all means have a joint account to cover joint household expenses...but consider the cost of a 5-person household vs a 3-person household. Contribute in line with this.

When you marry with no children and no assets between you, then of course it's all 'our' money and sharing and joint accounts. But you are a woman with children and assets. You need to play by a different set of rules. And so does he.

I don't think he's trying to take advantage of you, but you are willingly putting yourself and your dc into a financially vulnerable position.