Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner asking for declaration of trust before we get married

87 replies

Candleinalantern · 07/05/2025 17:54

I have lived with my partner for nearly 2 years, we currently share all our finances with all our wages going into one account and all outgoings coming out of the same account, works quite well for us. We have 6 kids between us, I have 2, he has 6 and we share custody 50/50 of all the kids with our ex’s. He earns more than me with his salary being 62% of our total monthly income. It has always felt equal to me as he may earn more but has more kids (rightly or wrongly).

Now a year ago I sold my property, it was needing money spending on it and we said we would use the equity I earned to pay a part off the remaining mortgage on his property, we have the money in a savings account and we are currently saving up to pay off the remainder of the mortgage.

He has recently proposed to me and we are planning on getting married this year, however, he has recently asked me for declaration of trust for his own security in case we get divorced. This is fine as he has a lot more equity in the property than my contribution is but after thinking about it I can’t help feeling that I wish I had of just kept my property and rented it out and he could have had the house we are currently living in for him/his kids and I could have kept mine for me/my kids. I obviously would have contributed to bills etc in his house but it’s just made me feel that I while he is thinking about what’s best for him I need to think about what would be best for me. Can anyone offer any advice?

I am previously divorced and I find it hard coming from being in a marriage where everything was just ours together 50/50 no matter what to we can share a life together but not everything. I have no intention of getting divorced or ever taking more than what I have contributed/entitled to. I know he should protect himself but it just leaves a sour taste and I suppose it makes me feel we are never going to be equal. I just don’t know what the best way forward is and would appreciate any advice anyone may have.

OP posts:
Arancia · 08/05/2025 06:27

Everything about this relationship is inequal in his favour. You are absolutely insane to jeopardise your own children by living with this man and handing over your children's home and money to him and his 6 children.

SparklyGlitterballs · 08/05/2025 06:33

we said we would use the equity I earned to pay a part off the remaining mortgage on his property, we have the money in a savings account and we are currently saving up to pay off the remainder of the mortgage

Would he be adding your name to the deeds for this? Personally I wouldn't be using my equity to pay his mortgage, and I also wouldn't be contributing any savings to his mortgage. Look after your own interests first OP.

User37482 · 08/05/2025 06:40

I think you can probably reasonably draw up an agreement ring fencing your respective contributions but your name needs to be on the mortgage and deeds.

The thing about your income though, he has 7 people and you have 3. Are you contributing a fair proportion or are you going halves on everything because this seems like he may be benefiting from you contributing to the pot of income by quite a bit whilst trying to protect his own assets from you.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 08/05/2025 06:42

I think you need to get good legal advice!

BTW - you have EIGHT children between you? What size house is it that can accommodate ten people when you’ve both got your kids with you at the same time!

User37482 · 08/05/2025 06:43

Word of warning, a family member sunk her equity into a joint home which lost value and she also spent quite a lot of money subbing his kids through university as only one of hers went. After the divorce she had very little equity to rehouse herself and nothing to give to her own kids and deeply regrets not putting aside more for her own children.

Longtoe · 08/05/2025 06:45

What an absolute shit show

all these children, blending mangiling together because their parents fancy one another (not even 2 poxy years of living together)

Dweetfidilove · 08/05/2025 06:49

I have never seen a man hurtling into financial disaster like so many women seem to do. Unless he is wealthy, many times over, why would you tie your horse to a man with six children?
For someone who's been through one divorce already, I cannot understand why you're falling into this again so quickly.

dontbeabsurd · 08/05/2025 06:51

I appreciate I’m generalising here but if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about men through my relationships, is that they are much better at prioritising their needs, especially financial needs. No matter how much in love they declare they are.
Women need to learn the same.
Don't pour money into his property. You’ll regret it.

Hdjdb42 · 08/05/2025 06:58

Personally I'd buy another property and rent it out. You've been divorced before,you know how it can mean starting again, having nowhere to live. I wouldn't put it into his house, you'd have no where else to live and would be waiting ages for your share back. All this would cost you at the solicitors anyway, so much hassle.

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 08/05/2025 07:08

Stuff like this that makes me think getting married is a game for the young; when you both have nothing but want to build it all together.

At later stages in life with people already living independently I often think it doesn't make sense. (Especially with pre existing children)

Teaacup · 08/05/2025 07:10

You’ve been with this man for 1 year and used your house sale money to pay off his mortgage? That money should’ve been for your children’s future. Are you named on his mortgage and partly own the house? If not, he’s really taken advantage of you financially. I also wouldn’t have moved in so soon as children are involved.

Gyozas · 08/05/2025 07:31

Now a year ago I sold my property, it was needing money spending on it and we said we would use the equity I earned to pay a part off the remaining mortgage on his property

Christ alive, do not do this.

Gyozas · 08/05/2025 07:32

I also think you’re mad moving your two children into his home with his six children.

Original poster
Candleinalantern · 08/05/2025 07:38

Sorry for the typo, has 4, I have 2 kids so 6 between us

OP posts:
Original poster
Candleinalantern · 08/05/2025 07:41

We have been together 5 years, living together for 2.

OP posts:
Longtoe · 08/05/2025 07:41

Candleinalantern · 08/05/2025 07:38

Sorry for the typo, has 4, I have 2 kids so 6 between us

Joy

Longtoe · 08/05/2025 07:41

How old are the children?

NeuroSpicyMumof3 · 08/05/2025 07:44

Do not, I repeat do not pay off his mortgage! This is madness! Buy an investment property, rent it out and then leave it to your children.

Dozer · 08/05/2025 07:46

you’ve sold your property: do you still have all the money or have you already paid it to your DP’s mortgage?

Finallydoingit24 · 08/05/2025 07:56

To be fair, it’s understandable that he wants to protect his equity and the OP would be advised to do the same if she was in his shoes and had the bigger share. And he’s not seeking to deprive her of anything- she is getting a percentage share and will benefit from any increase in value.

BUT the problem is that arranging your finances like this means that if the relationship breaks down, the house is likely to have to be sold so that everyone can get their money. So it makes good sense to use your money to get a separate property instead because if you did split you could each keep your own house. Do you have enough for this?

As someone else said upthread once you are married the deed of trust means nothing anyway and you would need a prenup which if I were your partner I would push for given it’s a second marriage.

Imbusytodaysorry · 08/05/2025 07:57

@Candleinalantern what do you mean by “we” have the house sale money on an account ?
your house sale money is in a Joint account with this man ?

Id but a rental and if he isn’t happy I’d then just move back out . It’s madness the position you are putting yourself I .

CopperWhite · 08/05/2025 08:21

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. You can protect what you put into the house and he should be able to do the same. You both have children to consider and as he has more than you, and he put more into the house than you, he’d be an idiot not to protect it.

Would you have been able to keep your previous home as well as contribute fairly to the home you and your children move into without him subsidising you

bigknitblanket · 08/05/2025 08:24

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 07/05/2025 18:07

I think you have been silly tbh. You are still in the honeymoon phase sold your house moved jn with him share your money with him he gets more money he has a babysitter sex on tap and a cleaner.

I would go back to having your own account and put half of the bill money in a joint account for bills.

Do not buy his home. Buy elsewhere or in an account out of sight out of mind as a nest egg or you buy together a new house do not buy into his.

To be fair, you have no idea about their sex life, cleaning or childcare arrangements.

Elektra1 · 08/05/2025 08:30

If you’re getting married then a declaration of trust will do nothing for either of you - all marital assets form part of the pot for division on divorce irrespective of declarations of trust or who contributed the cash. You need a pre-nup.

Bradley28 · 08/05/2025 08:39

I’d buy myself a property to rent out and leave to my children if I were you. It’s easier to be 50/50 in a first marriage, but when you have your own children and it’s a second marriage, you do have to think a bit differently.
I’ve kept my own house- in the long run it will be more straightforward for my children and their inheritance, than arguing with my partner’s children about who gets what. Also, I like the security of knowing I’ve got my own house should everything go awry.