Dating someone with a drug problem

[Lm404061]

I’ve been dating someone quite intensely for 2 months. I really like and care about them. We have a great time and I havnt felt this way about someone in a while. Dating is the pits and it seems like there is no one decent out there, at least that wants to commit. I am early 30s for context.
early on I knew they dabbled with drugs but I thought this was very occasional use, which I don’t have a problem with.
however, it has become apparent it’s every week (that I know about).
the person also obsessively exercises everyday because they say if they don’t then they feel like shit. I think this may be linked to the drug use.
sometimes I see them and they are so tired and hungover it’s not fun.
i have tried to gently broach the subject a couple of times but they clearly don’t think their use is a problem.
I did it with them a couple of times so I feel like now i can’t really say anything as I would be a hipocrete. I have made it clear to them that I have no interest in doing it more than 1 - 2 times a year as I don’t want to make a habit of it. I have stuck to this even though they have offered me some.
im actually starting to feel really sad for them. Im being trying not to cry at work today as i saw them yesterday and they were so hungover and seemed quite down but very affectionate and into me still.
I really care and want to help them.
has anyone had any experience of this sort of situation and does anyone have any advice?

I really care and want to help them

They don't consider they have a problem. They had this addiction before they met you, you are not going to be the one to change that. Their relationship is with their addiction.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but you can't fix them. And it being so intense and only two months in - BIG red flag.

I know it seems like a pit of no-hopers out there but I think you should put this one along with the others you have discarded. He or she will bleed you dry.

Only advice is move on. Their priority in life isn’t you, and never will be. Their priority is the drugs. The fact you have done it with them, rather than it being a hard no means they will always feel like they can do this and the drugs aren’t a deal breaker for you like they would be for many other people.

its only been 2 months and quite intense. How much of that is their actual personality and how much is the drugs? Move on

My advice is this: get out of this relationship before you invest any more of your time and emotions. Your new friend is an addict, I don't say that lightly, and their primary relationship is with their addictions, not with you.
You can't really help them, and sad as that is, being the partner of an addict is even sadder and lonelier.
You could try to steer them towards help and services, but if they haven't already reached out for help, it's unlikely that your attempts will help them make any long term change.
You sound like a very kind and empathetic person, but this is not the one for you.

Leave, it’s two months, life is far too short to have your life drained by an addict (it’s exhausting)or become one yourself

You deserve more in life than to try to pick up and fix everyone else’s discarded rubbish. There are plenty of people out there who don’t have a drug problem. And doing cocaine (I presume?) weekly in your early 30s is a massive red flag. One thing if you were both in your early 20s and likely to grow out of it. But in your 30s, habits are being solidified.

These are exactly the guys who in their 40s are sad and lonely with no friends (because no proper grown up with a family wants to invite the cokehead to the BBQ) or they’re having heart attacks and dropping dead.

You don’t need to lower your worth and throw away your future to fix some man you barely even know. Plus someone who is too hungover to be enjoying life and doing fun things with you sounds like a bore. This is the fun easy part of life. Imagine if you married him and had a child. No one deserves a cokehead who is on a downward spiral half the week and disappears looking for some gear every weekend as a dad. Chuck this one back.

OP value yourself enough to walk away from this one. Whatever you experience while with them, the affection they show you, its probably to hold onto you, its never going to be deep enough to quit the habit. Going to the gym is to overshadow the true extent of the issue.

He will never be a good partner, let alone a parent. Hearing you say that there is not much out there and this he is wanting commitment with you, that is tragic if this is how you feel is all you deserve.

HIs addiction will take over your life in every way. Its only been 16 week relationship but the consequences of it may last you a lifetime of hardship, mentally and financially. This relationship will always be on his terms.

Are you that desperate to be in a relationship?

Aww I'm sorry lovely, but gently, you need to remove yourself from this situation.

You cannot help people who don't believe they have a problem and, don't want to change.

And you are not his therapist, his addiction sponsor or, his mummy.

It's only two months. And tbh when people use the word 'intense' to define new relationships...it's rarely a good thing. So that worried me before you even talked about the drugs.

I don't know if you meant it in a good way TBFas you don't mention things like having being love bombed etc. But...whirlwinds usually either blow out or...blow up everything. So they're usually a red flag.

I know it's hard to find nice men but, if the roles were reversed and you had a drug problem, you'd attempt to deal with it before dating right? Because you'd recognise it wasn't anyone else's problem to fix. But he's just plowed on, got involved with someone and is now dragging her down...making her sad... That's not nice.

Please choose yourself and your own happiness and peace. No joy can come from trying to fix an addict. Let alone one who doesn't want fixed.

He may change his tune when you tell him why it's over. But, wish him well, do not continue to date him. Addicts must quit for themselves. Otherwise every time they fall of the wagon it'll be 'i never wanted to quit anyway, I just did it to stop you nagging'.

Hopefully he will get his shit together. But he needs to do so elsewhere. You need to do self work too, work on protecting yourself from bad choices like him. And towards choices that protect you. I know you know what needs doing. Sometimes the right choices are sad. But maybe do him good in the long run. And it'll do you good indefinitely. Addicts do not make kind partners. And the bare minimum a partner should be is kind.

Let him go.

Taxi!

This will be a constant thorn in your relationship, it won't go away and it could get worse. And even if he does stop, there's always the threat of him starting up again and you will always feel uneasy. I really would advise you to get out now while it's only been 2 months in.

Dump them. They don't see it as THEIR problem, don't make this YOUR problem. 2 months is not long at all but this could quickly become years of misery and disappointment.

Move on

Move on. You will never be as important as the drugs and the chances are if you have tried it already, you will be dragged down. Do your life a favour and walk away.

@Lm404061 YOU cannot help someone with an addiction problem.

They have to recognise it then change if they want to.

In the bin ma hen, move on.

eta; just repeating everything previous posters have ALL said (sorry it's annoying when people say the EXACT same things, ad infinitum)

Sack this off before it goes any further.

I've had lots of relationships with men with substance abuse issues, and my child's dad uses more cannabis than I'm happy with. I've also had lots of friendships with people who use too much. It tends to start with either not knowing at all that they use, or believing they use less than they really do. There are normally secrets and lies. Sometimes there's infidelities. It's emotionally very up and down having anyone like this in your life, and the relationship itself becomes an addiction. They are on drugs and that's giving them peaks and troughs, and you're on them and you're getting the same big ups and downs depending on what they've been using recently. I'm finding it useful to learn about codependency now, and I'm trying to figure out what it is in me which makes me want this emotional rollercoaster of a life. I'm with everyone else that it's a good time to walk away, but additionally take the time to think about what's happening in your psychology which brings you to this place that you want addicts in your life. Can you work on healing some of your past hurts which have brought you here?

So sorry that dating is tough at the moment. That can't be fun. One mention of drugs and I'd just get up and leave. I wouldn't even say goodbye.

You can’t help them. Get out now.

Walk away. You can't fix them if they don't want it.

What's the drug, how often do they take it and what is the impact on their life?

What drugs are they dabbling with..?..friend married recently a man with a known booze and ketamine issue, it has improved but he now works away from home and stays with friends and goes on benders again so she is fed up..avoid this relationship, a bit of weed on a weekend wouldnt bother me but other drugs are a no no.

My ex used drugs all the time. Masked it as “once a week social use”, but it was constant- I found out when I cleaned his car for him and found about 100
hidden little bags. Always grumpy and coming down, never had any money, never did any fun stuff together. Always blamed work or whatever for his moods. Used me for money. Started knocking me about when I refused to give him money anymore. Relationship lasted about 2 years, it’s taken about 8 years to be free of the devastation it caused.
Run away as fast as you possibly can.

You would have to be insane to continue this relationship. You can't cure him. You can't fix him. He doesn't even accept he has a problem.

You've taken drugs a couple of times when you've been with him. Fast forward your life - do you really think there's going to be a happy ending here? He's addicted. He'll do his best to make you addicted too. He won't want you around if you're complaining about him using drugs - he'll either go off and do what he wants and come back expecting sympathy - and all your money and energy - or he'll do his best to make you the same as him.

How do you want your life to be? I know dating is shit but being involved with an addict is absolutely awful.

Please don't entangle yourself with this person. They are an addict in more ways than one. You CANNOT fix them. Don't try and be their saviour or try to rescue them. It will not work.

End it now before you are in too deep.

I really care and want to help them

They don't want to be helped. They're not a project. You are not their saviour.

They have already told you they don't think their drug use is a problem.

They are using drugs all the time because they enjoy it. The exercise thing makes me suspect they have a very addictive personality. The fact that it's already 'intense' at a time when it's only been two months and you therefore hardly know them is also a red flag, I think.

You've only been seeing this person for a matter of weeks and already you've done drugs with them twice and despite saying you don't want to do it regularly, they continued to offer drugs to you. They do not have your best interests at heart. They want you to be as dependent on drugs as they are.

Seriously, get rid of this person pronto. Things should not be this complicated in any relationship, let alone one that's only two months old. It will not get better, OP. It just won't.

there is no one decent out there, at least that wants to commit. I am early 30s for context.

This one isnt decent. If your ref to commitment and your age is ref to having a family - you are barking up the wrong tree here.

Do not waste one more minute of your finite and precious fertility on this guy.

I have lots of experience and exposure to drug use amongst my family members and their friends - its a life of chaos, no money, relationshop breakdowns, careers falling apart .... thats in their 30s ... 40s brings mental health issues and physical health issues. Just last week been to the 5th funeral in as a many years of bloke in his late 40s related to drugs - three were heart attacks (with no warning), one cancer and another suicide. 5 young widowed partners left raising young teens. My experience is the alcoholics last longer (late 50s) - the coke heads are going out in their 40s.