Dealing with difficult family relationship

[Gogwuh]

Looking for some general advice/tips on how to manage a family relationship where a family member has caused upset through their actions, but they don’t want to talk about it and have suggested we move forward and forget about it. No apologies, or reflection on their actions, or even a willingness to understand things from my perspective to avoid future conflicts. I’m finding it difficult to move past this in the relationship and prefer to keep distant as a result.

This is a conflict with my MIL. She recently moved house close to us and seems disappointed that the move hasn’t lived up to her expectations (I got the impression that she was hoping for more support and contact with us). We are extremely busy and just don’t have the capacity for the level of support she wanted. I was clear to her and my husband about misaligned expectations well before she moved, but she decided to go for it. She’s now not accepting that this hasn’t worked out and is putting pressure on me to put this behind us and push forward her idea of what the move was to be like. But she doesn’t want to talk about what has happened or how to meaningfully repair things.

Also anyone who has personal experiences to share (if they’re comfortable to do so)?

Oh dear, what a nightmare. I am that MIL contemplating a similar move but not so I can receive support . I want to support them. It’s her fault if she hasn’t considered the implications of her move from both sides. Unless she’s prepared to talk properly about it there isn’t a way forward. She sounds like she wants everything in her terms. You have your own lives to lead. You aren’t just there to run around after her. Do you have children?

So her way.to 'move on' is you do what she wants?

What has dh got to say about the situation? He can be far franker with her than you can. Is part of the problem the fact that he feels it’s your role to spend more time with mil while he goes off and does his hobbies / sees his friends safe in the knowledge that his mother is being looked after?

I think we’re very open to talking things out these days but older generations aren’t used to it and find it excruciating.

What support was she expecting?

A lot of people are very uncomfortable having those kind of talks, especially if it’s not something they are used to from previous experience.

it is also quite likely that she does not really want to agree to new ways of being together and in fact is hoping to over time increase the time you all spend together and the support that is offered.

personally I would stay quite distant. Ime husbands are very happy to keep quiet and let all the pressure be on you.

What support does she want? Is there any way you could help her source that, online shopping, carers if needed, maybe a friendship group, keep fit, church, choir or similar so she can settle locally without relying on you for everything? I know it's quite a big outlay of your effort but once she's set up you can step back and find a level of relationship and contact that works for you. If she won't listen and have a conversation maybe instead of accepting an impasse, help give her more resilience practically without you.

What action has she done to cause upset? Or is it the move that’s caused upset? What is it you are expected to put behind you?

It sounds like this comes down to her expectations of a dutiful DIL. Your DH may harbour similar expectations. Women being obedient and dutiful to the detriment of their own wishes, or they are labelled as "selfish".

Well fuck that.

I made it clear to my DH that I have my own parents, and he has his, and I had absolutely no intention of involving myself in any aspect of duty visits or any other expectations. MIL was deeply disapproving and made it very clear. I decided early doors not to give a shit. I was a busy working mum with my hands full already thank you very much.

She doesn't want to discuss anything with you because she wants what she wants and expected you to step up.

Let your DH deal with her and keep your distance.

I think there are 2 issues here if I'm reading it correctly...

1. You've had some kind of falling out which is separate to the move

1. The move and expected support/connection.

She thinks the level of support is compromised because of the previous argument which she thinks you should rug sweep and provide what she feels is appropriate.

You feel there is an issue but are prepared to work around it or have offered to discuss. Independently of that you have outlined your capacity for support/connection and feel she's trying to override that.

I think I would outline to both her and your DH (who should be dealing with this!) That whilst you are open to discussion about the issue to try and make things more harmonious your previous statement of support/connection is unrelated and will stand regardless.

You are absolutely correct to hold your line on time/support/commitment and your own life (whatever that entails) should not be overtaken by her demands just because she moved.

Your DH needs to be the go between if MIL is refusing to talk about this with you. Personally I can imagine I’d become more and more distant if I was confronted with unreasonable demands and treated as though I’d done wrong when I’d been clear about boundaries from the outset. Tell DH this is a risk and get him to communicate this to MIL. I feel for her but as people have said it’s not for you to shape your life to suit her.

What an ageist remark!
And completely untrue.

Ignoring the irritating ageist comments and focussing on the OP,@Gogwuhwhat was she expecting that she isn’t getting?

You’re right, I should have said what @Octavia64 said.

Im not exactly a young nipper myself, no offence meant.

@Gogwuh

If she doesn't want to talk, you can't enforce it.

There is nothing you need to do other than making sure that your boundaries are sacrosanct and your husband is on board.

Her needs do not trump yours nor your family's.

Be strict from the outset and tbh this would probably be easier if your husband would have this conversation.

You just need to grey rock lovely, save yourself the grief. 🌹

I have difficult family on both sides so I consider myself quite the expert. I know that makes me sound like the problem but believe me I’m not.

I actually have noticed that the stuff you are looking for is pretty rare, accountability, self awareness, etc certainly in our unhealthy families, the secret is extremely long arms and holding them at arms length. My arms are so very long it has been 8 years since I saw my own family but our situation is particularly extreme.

Emotionally I could not give a rats ass about most of them anymore, they have huge intergenerational family patterns of serious issues and I’m not going to be able to fix that for them. You can’t for your mother in law either. Actually these types of personality though unpleasant are actually highly predictable so you just have to adjust your expectations to how they actually behave not how socially they “should” behave. You just focus on how you should act when someone does something unpleasant to you and will continue no matter what you say and do that.

“No longer my monkey, no longer my circus” should be your mantra.

When DH & I moved home from abroad, MIL had expectations that this was to support her in her old age.

She had a hard time hearing, and understanding, No. It led to quite a lot of unnecessary strife as she definitely felt that As her DIL, I must be the one to help ( can’t bother the important men!)

Rather than appreciating what she did have, or what I could do, she just kept pushing for more.

Talking did no good, she was so very convinced that this was my ‘duty’.

Keep your boundaries strong Op. She is looking for that chink…

@Mayhemabounds yes we have children.

I would actually so as she suggests. Wires obviously got crossed before the move she's disappointed. She now understands. Just draw a line underneath and fresh start

@GloriousGoosebumps not at all, he’s finding the situation pretty challenging too. He’s felt frustrated by the fact that she moved with such expectations and seems to not be backing off. Often asks him to visit (seems to always find a reason to get him to visit, eg ‘could you pick this up’ or ‘mind dropping this or that over’.)

@CurlewKate visits from myself, DH and GC, and support to look after their house when on holiday. Be available for help (never discussed exactly would be entailed) but they moved in mid 60s and obviously moving house is a long term decision. We’re a busy family and don’t have capacity for what she wanted. We were really clear from the start about that.

You've posted about this a few times haven't you?

The reality is that you are upset that she didn't take your views into account when she moved.

What I don't understand is exactly WHAYT do you want her to acknowlege? You thought she had certain expectations. Those expectations are not, in fact, correct, and you have no intention of spending more time with her. In your view, this is entirely her falut as she refused to discuss it or agree what it would like in advance. That may well be true. But again, you're wanting big talks and her to acknowlege things. Surely it's as simple as you continue to have your boundaries about when you'll see her/how you'll engage with her and, if you and your DH both believe these are fair boundaries, you just hold them.

What do you want her to say, "I was a total bitch moving to be close to you and I should now beg your forgiveness"?

Also, what is actually happening right now ?is she complaining she doesn't see you enough? Does she call 5x daily asking for help? I mean, I think it's not unreasonable for a parent to think that if they live near their DS and his family they might see each other a bit more and from memory, it was always unclear frmo your previous posts if you were willing to see her or help her at all. But if she wants to hang out every weekend and that doesn't work for you, then just keep declining.

As for looking after her house while she's on holiday - it seems a bit mean spirited thatyou're now willing to pop in and water the plants or something. Totally different of course if she wants you to walk the dog twice a day, move in to keep it company etc.

@Maddy70 I’m not sure she does understand though as she’s not proposing to reflect on what has happened or to talk about how to stop future confusion or misunderstandings. She just wants to move forward and carry on as before which doesn’t suggest to me a level of understanding of other family members needs/wants.

I would still just move on. She knows your standpoint. What's to be gained by going over and over something you are both likely to disagree on ?

She just wants to move forward and carry on as before

This is exactly th ebit I don't understand. She moved. You have refused to see her or spend more time with her. So surely yes, you want to carry on as before - ie seeing her very seldom?