Dealing with difficult family relationship

[Gogwuh]

Looking for some general advice/tips on how to manage a family relationship where a family member has caused upset through their actions, but they don’t want to talk about it and have suggested we move forward and forget about it. No apologies, or reflection on their actions, or even a willingness to understand things from my perspective to avoid future conflicts. I’m finding it difficult to move past this in the relationship and prefer to keep distant as a result.

This is a conflict with my MIL. She recently moved house close to us and seems disappointed that the move hasn’t lived up to her expectations (I got the impression that she was hoping for more support and contact with us). We are extremely busy and just don’t have the capacity for the level of support she wanted. I was clear to her and my husband about misaligned expectations well before she moved, but she decided to go for it. She’s now not accepting that this hasn’t worked out and is putting pressure on me to put this behind us and push forward her idea of what the move was to be like. But she doesn’t want to talk about what has happened or how to meaningfully repair things.

This is a really valuable comment you seem to have views about how your MIL needs to move forward that don’t match with what is going to happen. Move forward in your en way and let go of the need for her to see your point of view or agree with you. She may never.

@MattCauthon before all of this happened I was fine to see her from time to time. And in fact, I felt quite content about it all. But now after this move (and particularly the way it was done) I don’t want to see her. I feel trust has been broken and if we weren’t related through DH, I would want to disengage completely. Her actions have made me feel really anxious/disappointed/sad as she continues to push for what she wants despite clear boundaries which were first conveyed more subtly (as didn’t want to cause upset) but now more obviously as she doesn’t seem to stop. I’ve noticed that at each stage of this it’s been about ‘I want this or that’, never asking whether others do want what she perceives is appropriate in their lives.

Latest is that yes, she is calling and saying she wants to see DH and GC for visits as she’s not seeing us enough, so when can DH and GC come over. It feels like she’s trying to normalise a really abnormal situation which makes me really uncomfortable. Doesn’t seem like other family are getting this as live further away.

I don’t really have anyone to speak to about this which is why I have been seeking support from MN.

Make sure she never has a key to your house, and that she doesn't know where the spare is hidden.

Get a ring doorbell if necessary so you can see who it is before deciding to answer the door.

Similarly, you do not have to answer the phone to her either.

Leave all communication firmly in the lap of your DH and make clear that he is not to make any arrangements that involve you. His smother - he can deal with her.

Resolve to completely emotionally detach from her. That will help in processing and releasing any feelings of anxiety/sadness you hold towards her.

This will all get easier with practice on your part. Us women find it hard to say no and to exert and defend our boundaries. Like anything, it takes a bit of work before we get the hang of it.

It’s a bit difficult to comment as you’re so vague-how often is she calling, or asking for visits? What exactly does she want from you?

What boundaries have you in place currently?

She's clearly ignoring everything you say so you need to show her through your actions. Say no when she asks for something, don't answer the phone when she calls. Say "yes you can see the kids, we're free next Saturday morning if you want to come over".

Most importantly though, your DH needs to do the same.

@CurlewKate she’s in regular contact with DH. He doesn’t want to totally cut off contact with her over this but has definitely put more boundaries. Its also affected his relationship with her as she’s been dismissive of my feelings on it. She wants company and regular contact, in addition to help as she ages. We don’t have the capacity for this.

@BeesTrees DH visits with GC and I have stopped visiting and gone NC. It’s not particularly want I wanted to do but I feel like it’s my only way of making very clear that she’s not listening to what involvement I feel comfortable with. Words just haven’t worked so far.

Yes, this. So she calls and asks you to come over and you've gone NC? Can't you just say, "No, sorry, that doesn't work"? I have to believe there's more to this because right now it just sounds like you're upset because she has moved closer, would like to see you all and, even when you say no, she does ask again. By the standards of toxic, controlling parents or PIL, this really doesn't get my radar pinging.

@MattCauthon I’m not sure you read my responses above. It’s not just visits. She wants support as well. Honestly, I think it’s really unfair for her to put DH in this position for her own gain. It creates a serious disconnect and awkwardness every time he pushes back and every time I push back. Just to be clear, before all this, I was quite happy to support and visit (my share). But other DILs aren’t being on the spot and feeling the pressure, yet I am because of her decision to move close.

But you don't say WHAT support and from what you've said, it just doesn't sound like she's expecting anything excessive. Water her plants while she's away or perhaps give her a lift somewhere. We have MIL in a similar situation and it's not that big a deal and the upside is a great relationship with her grandchildren.

Honestly, you just sound like you're really really annoyed still she didn't ask permission and you resent even the smallest additional erquest or time spent together.

@MattCauthon hospital visit lifts, emotional support, dinners, help with garden. She seems to want to put this all on DH when she has other children who are perfectly able to help but she’s made it difficult for them to do so as chosen to live far away from them. My point is why, over years, should DH and his family take on more in time (obviously as she ages it will increase), because of a decision she had made? Obviously I will feel resentful over that. Who wouldn’t?!

So what happens when she asks for lifts or help or whatever and you just say 'nope, sorry, not possible today'?

@SharpLily yes, but DH does if he can. If he’s not able to or busy then he says so. If he refuses she makes him feel guilty for having done so ‘we got the bus but this and that happened, was difficult, took ages’.

So basically, you're pissed off becuase your family will have ot help her more than your DH's siblings?

Again, you haven't said how HIGH VOLUME any of this is. Frankly, taking her to the odd hospital visit, doing the odd bit of gardening and having her round for dinner is not, in most families, a big ask. And yes, sure, that means you are doign MORE than your DH's siblings. But for a start, is she just 100% a burden? Is there no part of you/your DH/ your DC who just want to spend time with her because you love her? I don't see having MIL over here for dinner every week or or so as a chore. I see it as a nice thing to have someone we care about over for dinner.

Also, if you're goign to be so transactional about it then at least put all the things in the balance sheet - my brother lived closer to my parents for a long time. Yes, that meant he did help them more. But he got to see them more. He also got more FROM them - dinners out they paid for, birthday gifts for the rest of us is usually a small amazon gift card but he's had lots of expensive fabulous, thoughtful gifts over the years. They helped in other, non financial ways too - using their house to host parties, or looking after his flat when they were away, dad popping over to help him redecorate etc etc etc.

@MattCauthon I think from the sounds of it, your situation is different to mine. But yes, I am not happy that she is putting more on us than her other children, particularly where there were options to make this more equal. I just don’t see it as fair, unless, of course, everyone is on board (which wasn’t the case here). She’s pushing her own agenda irrespective of how others feel and that in my view is outright toxic.

Okay, I'm going to leave now. You still haven't said anything about how much TIME she wants and you are completely hung up on this "it's not fair WAH Wah WAH" because your DH's siblings don't have to do as much.

Why don't you just admit you can't stand the woman and therefore you have no interest in doing anything with or for her. You're trying to make out like she's behaved appallingly and literally nothing you've said suggests that.

What do you want from this situation? What would enable you to move forward without feeling resentful, and how could you make that happen? What would that look like?

You're in a position that many people are, there are families who are split up by location and elderly care falls to one sibling, that's very normal. I'm in that position, soon to be joined by another moving elder. It's life, it's to be negotiated, as with all things. And re the gently suggesting boundaries, that's not how they work. They need to be clear, and repeated in order to be effective, and be about what you will and will not do, not about what you want the other person to do.

@Gogwuh I take it you moved away and your MIL has moved from her hometown to be near you and your DH?
What was she like before you moved away? (Assuming that you and your DH both moved away together, rather than him moving to be with you).
I can understand where you are coming from. I think relationships with PIL can be tricky at the best of times. I wouldn’t like in-laws gate crashing my life if I had chosen to move away from them. And the fact your DHs siblings are free of the burden must be doubly frustrating. Do you like your MIL generally, or can she be a bit of a pain anyway?

I can see why you don't want to anything for her but you seem to resent your husband, her son, helping her. You seem to be creating conflict where it isn't necessary.

It is not unusual for older people to live near their adult children. It makes so much sense when they get older and need a bit more support. Can you, in your mind, think about how much contact each week you would accept, even if it is just your husband and children,and hold out for that.

Well, they should ask the children first.

Obviously things have got quite bad if you are NC currently and your DH is doing it all.

I think it sounds like some restructuring is needed. Your DH needs to be very, very firm with her that if she carries on as she is doing, it is going to be painful and problematic. That both you and he are extremely busy - it's the busiest time of your lives - and you did explain this before she moved but she seems not to have heard you, however she will have to hear you now that it is causing trouble. He won't want to say this, of course he won't, but maybe she needs the directness.

Then get his to lay out how it's all going to work. That nobody minds helping a bit but when it comes to hospital visits (assuming she's old-ish but not actually infirm) she needs to look into taxis and buses as your family has a lot of stuff to be doing. That instead of asking to see the GC, they come up with a friendly system whereby she comes to see them at your house some of the time and they find things to do together. Get him to give her local taxi numbers and explain how it all works if you are rural (booking in advance etc).

Above all get him to tell her she's not being punished, it's just that things can't go on this way when you have young kids and jobs and so much to do.

It's unusual for them to move near a family and in their own mind, enter into an unspoken contract where the family bends to their needs. When families live close by and always have done, that's different.

But I think it’s unreasonable and entitled of the parents to expect their children to take over any caring duties with no say in the matter. Especially in the case of the OP where she had moved away, so this was completely unexpected and without any conversation about it.
This will be the start of a slippery slope of everything falling on OPs shoulders when MIL is in her 80s, with all of the rest of the MILs family not having the same burden. I can see how that must feel overwhelming.