Dealing with difficult family relationship

[Gogwuh]

Looking for some general advice/tips on how to manage a family relationship where a family member has caused upset through their actions, but they don’t want to talk about it and have suggested we move forward and forget about it. No apologies, or reflection on their actions, or even a willingness to understand things from my perspective to avoid future conflicts. I’m finding it difficult to move past this in the relationship and prefer to keep distant as a result.

This is a conflict with my MIL. She recently moved house close to us and seems disappointed that the move hasn’t lived up to her expectations (I got the impression that she was hoping for more support and contact with us). We are extremely busy and just don’t have the capacity for the level of support she wanted. I was clear to her and my husband about misaligned expectations well before she moved, but she decided to go for it. She’s now not accepting that this hasn’t worked out and is putting pressure on me to put this behind us and push forward her idea of what the move was to be like. But she doesn’t want to talk about what has happened or how to meaningfully repair things.

I'm struggling to understand what she has done that's particularly heinous. She moved near to you, keeps asking DH to do stuff that he doesn't have time for, she puts guilt on to DH.

It sounds like you wanted to keep her as far away as possible. You've explained to her you don't have time to help. DH needs to only help with what he wants to/has time for (or what is an emergency). Just maintain boundaries.

He can always offer to help her find a gardener, taxi company etc and set things up for her and then step back.

You seem to want her to beg for your forgiveness and reflect, to admit she had no right to live near you (when she can live where ever she wants). When actually in this context moving (while maintaining boundaries) seems most logical.

Wanting to Cut her off for being needy seems extreme

why can’t you agree what time you are prepared to give and what visits are acceptable and let her know

Ie “ we will come and see you every other weekend for two hours and do jobs for you in that time , if we have stuff on we will see you the other weekend or may have to cancel altogether

speak to other siblings and agree with them so she knows what to expect and stick to it

Not really sure what she needs to apologise for

just set boundaries and stick to them

Heavens, both our adult children moved back to our area to settle here. It is a lovely area and their wives, partners have settled really well. No one asked our permission though they did say that we could be ‘useful’. I hope we have been useful and welcoming. They are lovely and grateful for all the help we give. We are fortunate.

@Bowlandbillow sounds lovely, actually it’s really nice when children choose to move back and shows what a close relationship they have with you. I think parents moving near adult children is different and requires more discussion on what the expectations are. Particularly where parents are aging. Just isn’t really fair otherwise to put on an adult child without first making sure they’re comfortable with it all.

“She’s now not accepting that this hasn’t worked out and is putting pressure on me to put this behind us and push forward her idea of what the move was to be like. But she doesn’t want to talk about what has happened or how to meaningfully repair things.”

How is this actually playing out? Eg. did she call you and say this? And you tried to talk about it and she wouldn’t engage?

@Bowlandbillow I feel resentful about it all, and previously really was quite open and understanding of the need to help his parents. I just didn’t want that to all be on us.

I’m trying to stay level headed about it all and had said to DH that it may work for him to visit when he wants to and with GC when he wants. Though he tends to not go very often. Particularly as all of this has not only affected how I feel about her but also how he feels too. We’ve therefore kept it fairly minimal. But she seems to want to find ways to bend boundaries. DH had previously said to her that he will come when he feels he wants to. I’ve noticed that she’s now calling to ask that he visits for X or Y or to pick X item up. Maybe I’m being totally unreasonable but the cynic in me says that she’s finding ways to get him over there and not respecting the boundary that he’s set. I find this so strange as in my family nothing like this really happens.

You (DH and you) need to clarify again to MIL what your sustainable capacity is, as a family.
Write it down for her.
You can manage ..

A weekly phone chat.
One visit to her every week or fortnight.
One meal out or meetup together every fortnight.
Sometimes going with her to an important appointment.
Inviting her to school sport days etc (ones where she looks after herself)
To create a list of useful contacts for her - charity drivers, mowers, gardener, shops that deliver, car mechanic, cards club, choir, churches, craft groups, taxis, cinema, take-away food, cleaners etc..
Help her settle in to be as independent as she can be.

When the time comes that MIL needs more help have DH ready to call a family meeting rather than doing everything himself.

You and your DH need to agree and be firm.
Practise saying NO.
Life with DH will not be nice, Op, unless you can find a small space for some limited contact with MIL.

@Gogwuh How old is she? How much time per week is she expecting support?

Aaah, but if it's MORE time than her DH's siblings, it's too much.

She's avoided this question a lot. On this thread, and previous ones.

"Once you have apologised and given me ANY sign of taking accountability for your actions that have caused so much upset, I will be happy to move past things. But until then, I don't really see why I should forgive and forget - nor do I want to do it".

@CurlewKate she wants help weekly. At the moment it’s more because she’s moved here and doesn’t know anyone apart from us. She’s in her mid 70s. Other siblings do once a year trips (Xmas).

@OriginalUsername2 absolutely that, has said this to DH. It’s caused so much difficulty for us to move on as she has been so dismissive of the upset caused and seems to view it as better to sweep under the rug and carry on as she originally planned.

She should have talked to you about all this before she moved.
its not fair to expect you to be helping her weekly if it wasn’t pre agreed.

Your DH needs to hold the line here with whatever level of support he feels he wants to give. And that can be zero.

If she cannot listen or refuses to hear what you are telling her, I think going low / no contact is absolutely fine. She sounds very self absorbed.

You made it clear before your MIL moved that you wouldn't be able to provide the help that she was expecting, and she still went ahead with the move. She is completely ignoring the boundaries that you tried to set and keeps putting pressure on you and your DH. You will need to stick to your guns.

Is your DH her favourite child and the one that is more like to cave under pressure? Is that why she has moved so far away from the other siblings?

@thepariscrimefiles i think that her impression before the move was that DH was more likely to cave under pressure. I don’t think she expected that I would be challenging it and that DH would start to reflect on how she had gone about this and whether it was totally fair. She knew that DH wasn’t totally content but she thought that was all coming from me and so that was irrelevant to her so she carried on with the move. Basically she wasn’t expecting push back once she moved and that we would accept it even though not content with it, so could carry on as she wanted.

Also DH started reflecting on other situations in family where similar situations have occurred where others have been unhappy with her decisions but it’s rug swept.

Don't do a family meeting, that's a come to Jesus and they don't work.

You can send her on to your husband. He's the one that's going to have to tell her that she knew before she moved that her expectations were unrealistic and you guys are not going to be her social life and errand people and carers. She gets what she gets and that's that. It might be a once a month visit. Young families are busy and she's an adult. If she can't function I dependently, time to look at professional care. He's going to have to be really firm every time she contacts him and he might have to go low contact if she ramps up.

Can you explain what support she needs?
To be fair most people I know do offer support to elderly parents which increases the older they get.

Still far too vague to comment. We don’t know how old/capable/incapable she is, what sort of help she wants/needs, and how long it’s going to take to provide it. It sounds as if the OP will only be happy with no help at all!

If you hadn't had an adverse reaction to her as yet nonspecified behaviour that now requires an apology to you, with you employing no contact until that happens, would your DH have been happy to pop round once a week to his mother in her mid seventies and do the odd errand?

You've suggested he can go round when he wants and take the kids? Why would he need your permission for that? The more you dig in here, the worse this is going to get and you're really putting your DH in a shit position. Given that she's presumably not going to move again, and you're not going to uproot your family over this, what is your plan for the next couple of decades so you're not living in this angst?

@GoldDuster i don’t think he or his siblings particularly did want that. This is the reason why he seemed v keen to have her consider a location near all her children as all find her challenging and frustrating. His siblings went v quiet when that suggestion was made..

Agree, it’s obviously not my decision, and DH and I are on the same page with this.

It’s a good question. The way I’ve dealt with it is to go NC. As I’ve mentioned, not so much because I wanted to do this but more as a measure to protect myself as I find her behavior incredibly stressful. She comes with a lot of baggage that she’s more than willing to draw everyone around her into. DH is resorted to low contact. His siblings the same (although easier as the distance gives a good excuse for not being so involved, whereas DH feels unsaid pressures as he’s close).

@Gogwuh why not just say what she wants and when and how often and how long. Because the longer you don’t the less help you can get and the more unreasonable you sound.

DH is resorted to low contact

Great. You've resorted to no contact, DH has gone low contact. I'm not sure in this case how the situation can still be driving you nuts? Surely you leave DH to deal with it and input as much as he is willing?

I don’t quite understand your point @CurlewKate. what do you mean?