[Need Advice] I love my husband, but I’m starting to feel like I can’t forgive him

[ThisFunnyTaupeBird]

My husband (41) and I (30) have been together since I was 19. He’s my first everything. In the beginning, I worshipped him—his love meant everything to me. I was young and didn’t know who I was or what I wanted.

Now, over a decade later, I’m starting to recognize things I ignored or didn’t understand before. He’s always been a little controlling, and it’s affected how I see myself. I feel ashamed of things I genuinely love—especially music. I know my taste isn’t great, but it makes me happy. Still, he’d give me judgmental looks when I played it, or tell me it was awful. That hurt me, so I stopped singing out loud, I always use headphones, and if he glimpses at my Spotify, I feel small.

Whenever I visited family and changed plans (like staying an extra day), he’d get cold. Now I dread telling him when plans change.

He gets upset easily, yells, or slams things—not at me, but around me. It makes me anxious. It reminds me of my childhood—my mom acted the same way.

When he’s in a bad mood, he speaks to me harshly, even if it’s not about me. I’ve learned to walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off.

A few years ago, I told him I wanted to start biking. He said I wasn’t cut out for mountain biking, so I dropped the idea. I still resent him for that.

We moved away from my hometown, and I rarely see my friends or family now. I’ve always hated the city we live in and told him that from the beginning. He said it was temporary so we could save for trips—but it’s been 5–6 years.

Lately, I’ve started telling him how I really feel. We’ve had serious talks. He apologized, told me to do the things I love, and even encouraged me to get the bike. But honestly, it feels too late. The pain hasn’t gone away. I can’t seem to forgive him.

I know I didn’t communicate everything clearly before, and I own that. But now I find myself fantasizing about living alone and finally being free to just… be myself.

I keep going in circles—I feel like I can’t take it anymore, but I’m also scared to end it.

He’s not a bad person. He loves me. But I keep wondering:

Can this be fixed? Or will I always carry this pain if I stay?

Your choices, be it music or whatever, are what makes you who you are. Everyone should feel free to express themselves, or present themselves however they like. Him trying to oppress that is worrying and possibly controlling. You met this person so young. If you write down the attributes you would like in a dp now would it match him? If not I'd think about your future.

i had a controlling dp age 18 to 26. It took a huge amount of strength to leave. But I never once regretted it. I have a happy life now with a good dh.

You are still young only 30. Time to move on and find a better life

God, not only he’s a dick, he’s an ignorant dick at that.

Anyways, take it from someone who was with a man substantially older from 15 to 25: they’re dumb, stunted manchildren who never grew up and hold on to making you feel inferior to big themselves up.

When you leave (and I’m hoping you will) you’ll be amazed at how easy it is to be without him around and how much you’ll grow. I honestly can’t imagine myself with someone that much older now even though I’m an adult. Not even if Pedro Pascal himself came knocking at my door.

Well done for standing up to him! I don't blame you for not being able to forgive him - he is talking the talk right now but has he actually changed?. Plus he has a temper bad enough you wouldn't want to have DC with him. You're 30, you have so much life ahead of you. I'd cut this off now and find yourself again. I'd also read Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that?" (Available online as a free pdf if you search). I think that book will bring a lot of this relationship into sharper focus.

I think 30 is a turning point in many peoples lives where they think...what do I actually want? Maybe you have reached that point. I have friends around your age who have started up a new degree course, or who have began a family, or have made a radical move of home, or who have formed new hobbies and friendship groups. At 30 you still have time on your side and all the benefits of "youth", but with the wisdom and hindsight that life experience brings. Its a great age to be.

If you are unhappy please feel the support of women everywhere behind you and make a change in your life. Embrace your music and your hobbies, and see your family as much as you want. You have so much life ahead.

You know in your heart what you need to do.

Run off to Mexico, go see the world away from this dead situation. Do it while you’re young.

Thanks to everyone for your advice.

The thought of leaving has been getting stronger lately. But it’s hard. I’m scared, and I’ve never broken up with anyone before.
It feels like I’m closing a huge chapter of my life, and it’s scary because once I say the words, there’s no going back... Even though he hasn’t been the partner I needed, I’ll still miss him, and it hurts knowing he’ll be hurting too. I’m a bit of a coward, I know haha.

Yeah, I’ve got a job. I can drive, just don’t have a car at the moment

Of course it’s scary. He’s all you’ve known your whole adult life but you’re still young and got most of your life ahead of you.

We only get one life - don’t waste yours being stuck. There’s a whole world of opportunities out there - don’t even think about another relationship for a good while. Get out and see what you want out of life and really discover who you are

One of my regrets is not seeing Celia Cruz live when I had the chance. Tumba la caña, op. You only get one life. Set yourself free.

Well OP.
It can be healed but it is.going to involve him repeatedly validating how much he has hurt you over specific events and for him to commit to never again acting in that way.

For example, you need to have a conversation about the music issue. He needs to admit that he is very sorry for ever belittling your taste and commit to never again saying something like this about it and learning to eventually take delight in this difference between you. Does he want a clone of himself after all? Deep down, nobody does. But we if we have not learned the ideas that everyone is different, we fight against what is not "right" and like us. It's a child like behaviour.

So this is going to involve some serious apologies on his side plus him inhibiting his impulsive disrespectful actions to you. And you're not going to believe until you see consistent change.

It's also going to involve you developing firm boundaries when you see negative behaviours, calling them out firmly immediately, taking care of your own emotional upset, and speaking calmly once you can to make it clear it is not acceptable. Being prepared fully to leave if it continues.

It's about gaining self respect.

It's about growing up, for both if you. If you have seen disrespectful behaviour as a child it is normal that you have excused this until now. But it can't last. You're no longer children.

Have a read of this website for more help.

https://www.alturtle.com/archives/1239

Just to say, this is all quite a lot of work, so make sure it is really worth it for both of you. However, if you learn how to have great boundaries in the process, you'll be rock solid with whatever life throws at you, so it's really worth learning in case you just leave and meet someone similar (as often happens when we have residual issues ourselves).

You were a girl when he trapped you. You're a woman now and can finally see him for what he is - a rather pathetic, controlling man incapable of sustaining a relationship with a woman who's an equal. He sounds like the type of man to have a mail order bride - young, compliant and grateful.

Yes it will be hard to leave - it always is, but that shouldn't stop you. You'll get over the pain, and then be free to spread your wings. I have Cyndi Lauper's song in my head now:
Some boys take a beautiful girl,
And hide her away from the rest of the world.
I wanna be the one to walk in the sun.
Oh girls, they wanna have fu-un, oh girls just wanna have fun.

Being with someone who wants to dim your flame, who doesn't encourage your passions and potential, is not living, it's existing. Put simply, you've matured and outgrown him, and leaving him is how you free yourself to be the woman you know you are inside. Don't feel sorry for him - he's not sorry for how he's suppressed you for 11 years.

You have outgrown him. You are not a child anymore and I hope you escape, now that you have seen who he really is.

There is a book called ‘too bad to stay, too good to leave’ and it will help you work through the questions you have and weigh up what to do.