[Need Advice] I love my husband, but I’m starting to feel like I can’t forgive him

[ThisFunnyTaupeBird]

My husband (41) and I (30) have been together since I was 19. He’s my first everything. In the beginning, I worshipped him—his love meant everything to me. I was young and didn’t know who I was or what I wanted.

Now, over a decade later, I’m starting to recognize things I ignored or didn’t understand before. He’s always been a little controlling, and it’s affected how I see myself. I feel ashamed of things I genuinely love—especially music. I know my taste isn’t great, but it makes me happy. Still, he’d give me judgmental looks when I played it, or tell me it was awful. That hurt me, so I stopped singing out loud, I always use headphones, and if he glimpses at my Spotify, I feel small.

Whenever I visited family and changed plans (like staying an extra day), he’d get cold. Now I dread telling him when plans change.

He gets upset easily, yells, or slams things—not at me, but around me. It makes me anxious. It reminds me of my childhood—my mom acted the same way.

When he’s in a bad mood, he speaks to me harshly, even if it’s not about me. I’ve learned to walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off.

A few years ago, I told him I wanted to start biking. He said I wasn’t cut out for mountain biking, so I dropped the idea. I still resent him for that.

We moved away from my hometown, and I rarely see my friends or family now. I’ve always hated the city we live in and told him that from the beginning. He said it was temporary so we could save for trips—but it’s been 5–6 years.

Lately, I’ve started telling him how I really feel. We’ve had serious talks. He apologized, told me to do the things I love, and even encouraged me to get the bike. But honestly, it feels too late. The pain hasn’t gone away. I can’t seem to forgive him.

I know I didn’t communicate everything clearly before, and I own that. But now I find myself fantasizing about living alone and finally being free to just… be myself.

I keep going in circles—I feel like I can’t take it anymore, but I’m also scared to end it.

He’s not a bad person. He loves me. But I keep wondering:

Can this be fixed? Or will I always carry this pain if I stay?

I love latin american music. Salsa, bachata… it just lifts my mood. I know it’s not ‘weird’ or anything, but I get the sense he thinks it’s music for dumb people because it doesn’t have deep or ‘smart’ lyrics

Yes exactly but by opening up about it here she can see that and not be ashamed about it because it doesn’t matter what the music is she should be able to talk about it on this thread without judgment

so if you did breakaway from him how about going to some places to listen to that music maybe dance - find a bit of yourself that you have lost to him

He is a bad person. He got together with you when you were barely out of childhood. Now you are isolated from family and friends and walking on egg shells to try not to upset this horrible man. This is abuse OP - please make a safe plan to leave. No need to discuss this with him/get his agreement. Partners are supposed to lift you up, not stifle, control and frighten you. Have your own therapy. Also if you do want children you need to make this happen without him.

Oh love! You’re so young still!

Plenty of time to have a second bash at life

The fact that he dated a 19 year old at 30 would be enough for me to LTB.

Nah, I wouldn’t have forced interest, because that’s not relevant. The OP is interested and wants to talk about it so it’s not forced to say “what do you like about it?”. She’s clearly not been able to chat about it with the husband. There’s also a huge gap between “showing interest in someone’s interest” and “LIKING their interest”

Oh, fuck his ignorant self. There's a long history of resistance and protest and call for political change and depth in Latin American music. Bad Bunny is just one of the latest.

Amen. Classical or symphonic etc pieces often have no lyrics at all! Pretty sure 99.99% of the population would classify it as high brow.

I think you’ve out grown him op. You’ve grown up and matured, he hasn’t. Your taste in music is yours, he has absolutely no right to dictate that or anything else in your life. You are still very young. If you want to leave, leave. Ignore what he wants, what do you want?

I was with someone 13yrs older than me from the time I was 17. By the time I was 22 I was like a whole other person to who I had been when we first got together. I’m surprised you’ve lasted as long as you have. Mine was also controlling and wanted me to behave the way I had when I was an obsessed, love struck 17yr old girl.

Get out, get some therapy. You deserve so much better.

What do you want out of your life? Children, adventure, to live somewhere you love, to dance and sing to whatever you enjoy, to visit your family and friends for however long you want to and whenever you want to? Probably lots of things. I suspect though, that you won't be doing any of that while you remain with him.
You don't have to stay. You can leave and be free. No more eggshells.
You should really, seriously consider doing just that.

When you got together you were a teenager with a difficult family background and he was almost 30.
He sounds controlling and as if he prefers you as a teenager with a lack of confidence rather than a woman of 30 with ideas of her own.
If he keeps stopping you from being who you want then maybe its time to leave

You're still so young and another, better life is waiting.

He is the way he is and it won't change. He's a replica of your mum, because that's what we often choose without knowing we've done that.

It's difficult because you feel alone. I'm hoping you have a stable job and income. I'd prioritise finding a therapist to help you through this. An older lady, lots of experience. Some are really rubbish and - don't even think about the NHS. Find your own.

Posters will often come and trash the spouse and call him labels. Those labels may or not be true, it doesn’t matter.

Someone doesn’t have to be abusive or a psycho or malicious and deliberate for you to leave them. You don’t have to hate them with a passion to leave. It doesn’t have to be that emotional. Sometimes a relationship or circumstance or job or friendship can simply just, very non-dramatically be, not enough for you. And that’s absolutely valid.

I don’t think he would be, he’s got a temper and I don’t think he has the patience a kid needs. As for me, I’m not sure I’d be a good parent either… I probably need a few years of therapy first, haha

“I probably need a good few years of therapy first”

that made me laugh. I know you meant it a bit tongue in cheek, but I used to say the same to my therapist. She just said back to me “the fact you’re already conscious of this tells me you’ll be a great parent”

I was in a carbon copy of this relationship.. aside from the age gap there was always a power imbalance because I too worshipped him and thought his opinions , intellect much superior to mine.
He was just older.. I got out and once I did saw the wood from the trees. He didn't really love me, just loved having a protege to mold someone to control but it was always so subtle. He became obessive once he could feel me pulling away. It was a complete 360. I than god every day I didn't waste my youth on him. With no kids its a no brainer.. I was only early 20's but felt old before my time. Don't waste anymore time on him.. I actually believe he probably will change as mine did but it was way too late and once you see them for who they really are, weak and insecure there is no going back.

This is really, really sad, OP. And he's clearly a narrow-minded, pretentious wanker about music. There are plenty of very intelligent, cultured people who know a lot about music and like all kinds of genres, including the kind you describe. How dare he make you feel small! And how dare he use his anger and violence (slamming things near you is still violence) to keep you in your place! hope you find the strength to leave. You deserve to be yourself.

He’s in his 40s, he is not going to change who he is. Firstly because it’s hard to change your whole personality . And second, because he doesn’t want to.

I reckon he has changed who he is. You are (or were) an absolute dream for a controlling man like him, and he’s probably refined his control over the years.

Life can be so much better I assure you.

There really are good men out there, and after all this time I feel you deserve one of them. Go for it!

(and don’t get hung up on the music argument…)

I would just leave- rent your own flat, play your music and sing and dance again! Live where you want to live and do what you want to do. Go home to your family. Or go somewhere completely new.

@HiddenInCubeOfCheese I certainly agree with that -