[Need Advice] I love my husband, but I’m starting to feel like I can’t forgive him

[ThisFunnyTaupeBird]

My husband (41) and I (30) have been together since I was 19. He’s my first everything. In the beginning, I worshipped him—his love meant everything to me. I was young and didn’t know who I was or what I wanted.

Now, over a decade later, I’m starting to recognize things I ignored or didn’t understand before. He’s always been a little controlling, and it’s affected how I see myself. I feel ashamed of things I genuinely love—especially music. I know my taste isn’t great, but it makes me happy. Still, he’d give me judgmental looks when I played it, or tell me it was awful. That hurt me, so I stopped singing out loud, I always use headphones, and if he glimpses at my Spotify, I feel small.

Whenever I visited family and changed plans (like staying an extra day), he’d get cold. Now I dread telling him when plans change.

He gets upset easily, yells, or slams things—not at me, but around me. It makes me anxious. It reminds me of my childhood—my mom acted the same way.

When he’s in a bad mood, he speaks to me harshly, even if it’s not about me. I’ve learned to walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off.

A few years ago, I told him I wanted to start biking. He said I wasn’t cut out for mountain biking, so I dropped the idea. I still resent him for that.

We moved away from my hometown, and I rarely see my friends or family now. I’ve always hated the city we live in and told him that from the beginning. He said it was temporary so we could save for trips—but it’s been 5–6 years.

Lately, I’ve started telling him how I really feel. We’ve had serious talks. He apologized, told me to do the things I love, and even encouraged me to get the bike. But honestly, it feels too late. The pain hasn’t gone away. I can’t seem to forgive him.

I know I didn’t communicate everything clearly before, and I own that. But now I find myself fantasizing about living alone and finally being free to just… be myself.

I keep going in circles—I feel like I can’t take it anymore, but I’m also scared to end it.

He’s not a bad person. He loves me. But I keep wondering:

Can this be fixed? Or will I always carry this pain if I stay?

If you don’t have children, leave him, get yourself away and spend a year or two by yourself to figure out who you truly are, rather than the 19 year old kid he moulded into who and what he wanted you to be.

Sounds similar to the controlling belittling dickhead who I was with from the age of 19, for 9 years. He was 5 years older than me. So glad I got out in the end, but I still regret the time I wasted with him, although I try to let it go.

What music do you like OP - I am sure it is perfectly normal whatever it is.

he has made you feel small and your world small - that isn’t love at all

You resent him. Rightfully so. Also ask yourself what did a 30 year old man possibly have in common with a 19 year old?

You were a teenager when you met an older man and the power imbalance means he’s controlled and manipulated you your entire relationship.

Now you’re the age he was when you met and you are seeing things far clearer through more nature eyes and your gut is telling you this is not a healthy dynamic.

You’re only 30 - you have so much life left. Please don’t waste it on this horrible controlling twat.

You sound like you really see it clearly

even abusive parent still love their children, it doesn’t mean it’s the right kind of love, that which nurtures and gives security.

his love doesn’t sound good

He’s in his 40s, he is not going to change who he is. Firstly because it’s hard to change your whole personality . And second, because he doesn’t want to.

So either you are happy to spend the rest of your life like this. Or you leave.

The resentment won’t go away, it will only grow with time, as more of your precious life is sacrificed to him.

Accept that you have grown out of your relationship - you were a teenager just out of school , you have changed and he has not. Move out, get a new job and place to live in another city , make friends and hobbies.

And (very important ) do NOT date for at least a year or two and get sone counselling for yourself.

That was my point that if she talked about it here it could be seen as fine and not embarrassing and may make her feel better - possibly could have phrased it better.

19 is very young to hook yourself to someone for the rest of your life. Even if you do forgive him, you don’t have to stay.

You don't have to stay because he says he sorry or because he loves you. You are allowed to do what feels right for you. If you think you'll be happier, move back to be near your friends and family, take up mountain biking and play your music as loud and often as you like. You can do whatever you choose with your life - don't waste it staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy

Sorry to say it but in my experience a lot of men are kill joys. I have lived with four men over the years and I find they lack vision and outlets. It is as if they wish to deprive you of cultivating your own joy and inner peace.

Just my opinion.

In addition people cannot change who they are.

No, I don’t think we’d be good parents

I don't think it's really that you can't forgive him for his past bad behaviour, more that you are seeing him more clearly nowadays and realising that you are not so keen as you thought you were.
You could try couples counselling to see if you can find a way to be happy together, or else split up. Good luck.

Don’t think he would be or neither of you would be?

I have a slightly different view to pp. if he is willing to discuss, learn and change with you then there might be something worth saving IF you want there to be.

If he isn’t actually changing then I echo pp - be free and find yourself.

and buy the mountain bike

Leave him - because this is never going to get better.
Don't waste your life!
Spread your wings and learn to fly!!!

Individual therapy for you. You recreated what you saw modeled in your childhood for your adult life.

He's controlling, negative, dismissive of you, and what you saw as ok as a 20 year old isn't working for you now. He likely deliberately picked someone much younger because you wouldn't recognize how controlling he is.

He's not a good person, good people don't treat others with the contempt he's treated you with in the past. You deserve to be happy and if that means leaving him and living alone then do it!

@Augustus40 sorry to say at 63 I agree with you. I have been married twice ( still married) and a live in relationship in the middle- all different personalities , but to some extent exactly as you say -

Yes I know I just thought given her response to it talking about what she liked music wise would help, help her see it was ok and start building her confidence up to leave him. Given that she has been so beaten down by her talking about something she loves and recognising it as such would be a step forward.

not that it wasn’t fine and she couldn’t like it. But clearly you don’t see it that way