Ghosted

[serenabar]

Thank you, everyone, for being there for me during my first breakup last year. I’m completely over my ex. But as I started catching feelings for another guy over the past four weeks, I now feel shattered again. He love-bombed me, I guess, and now he’s completely gone. He watches my stories but doesn’t react anymore. I wonder what happened, and I just want to reach out. I want to ask him directly. 🙃

Oh wow. You were 'lucky to have met him' because he doesn't multi date like the other men....😂👌OK sir

That tells you he does infact muti date.

It hasn't been long with this boy. I think possibly there is a little obsession going on for you. He's definitely love bombed you, BUT the good thing is because it hasn't been long that your feelings will die quicker.

Distract yourself with ANYTHING else, but definitely block him or he'll return at some point and start to play you again.

On getting over him. It might help to be clear eyed on who this prince is. It sounds like he was multi dating and met someone, and he told you he wasn't into multi dating so you'd trust him. Quite strategic. He told you you were lucky, when he knew he was exactly like the other guys. Also so you'd trust him. Overall, pretty manipulative in the space of what, a month?

Rejection hurts but he doesn't sound like a catch for whoever gets to keep this prize.

I just wish he would tell me if I did something wrong, if he chose someone else even though he said he wasn’t seeing anyone, or if his ex came back — so I don’t have to keep wondering. I want to text him so badly. I hate that I can’t even sleep because of this.

Is the right answer!

You didn’t do anything wrong, you need to be you with whoever you date, and be loved. You are so young, just put this one down to experience, block and move on. I am sure you will meet a genuine, lovely guy soon OP. Good luck but honestly men like him are not worth your tears.

Closure?
Gently, OP, it’s been 4 weeks.
The issue with SM is (well one of many) is that people play out years worth of interactions in such a short space of time. Relationships have become skewed because of this. You need to do a reality check with yourself; he was probably lying about everything, catfish style. He was not ‘the one’; nor was he what he portrayed himself to be. This was not one of life’s great romances. Just someone who you chatted to for 4 weeks.
Dust yourself down, and get back out there! You don’t need anything from him.

This.

You’ve not done anything wrong.
if a man likes you , wild horses couldn’t drag him away.
he’s met someone else he likes better but leaving the door open if it doesn’t work
you’re the back up plan.
tell him to get lost.

The busy man is an excuse trotted out by men who think they are the prize, he even told you he thinks he is the prize. That’s two huge red flags. When you see or hear red flags, you run away in the opposite direction. He’s telling you he’s always going to be too busy (dating others, work, sport, whatever he chooses to prioritise over you) and he couldn’t help himself telling you he’s always was seeing other people by pretending he wasn’t. He’s not worth it. Let these flags be your closure, you can choose the close this down. Do it. Close him down. Block him and delete him today. In two weeks you’ll have stopped thinking about him. He is no prize, he’s a wimp.

The beginning was strong. We saw each other 7 times out of 13 days, but now he’s just observing. It’s so annoying.🥺

I don’t know… he said he didn’t date for 8 months after his breakup ended, and that it was perfect and stress-free. He also said the dating app wasn’t good for guys and deleted it soon after. So, I don’t know if there was someone else. 😣

@serenabar so stop him observing. Block or restrict. Closure doesn't happen because someone tells you this or that. Closure happens by you closing the door on it. And you can do that by recognising that even if he came back, this ghosting business is enough reason for it to be over

7 times in 13 days?
Goodness, that’s way too intense, and a red flag in itself.
You need to learn to slow down and not to invest this much time/hope in a man that quickly.
Also, any man who has in his pitch that « you are lucky to have him » should be binned on the spot, decent men don’t talk like that.
Sorry OP, I think he’s a player and you are well rid.

Him saying you were lucky to have him was a massive red flag. A very narcissistic thing to say.

Please delete him from everything you can. You sound vulnerable to be taking it so personally and believing all his bullshit. He probably was talking to multiple women & lying about it. Sorry he crossed your path but a decent person wouldn’t ghost someone that had done them no harm.

Why do you believe anything he said? The person he pretended to be was exactly that - a pretence. He has now stopped pretending because someone else has come along who he is trying to reel in.

The reason why he won't say he's not interested is because he is keeping you on the back burner. He doesn't want to definitively end it. He wants to be able to reel you back in whenever there's a break in his schedule of seeing other women.

I'm sure his act is very convincing but it is an act. He showed you many red flags even when he was pretending to be nice. Now you are seeing the cold, empty, selfish person he really is.

OP the only wise thing to do here is block him and move on. When you meet a new person, take it super slow, and don't invest emotionally until you have really got to know him.

I went to therapy today, and apparently, I feel most vulnerable when I’m given attention — something unlocks in me when I become important to someone. And with the guy, it’s not being in love — it’s limerence. Maybe he also felt scared that things were getting too deep. Maybe he’s not ready. She told me to reflect on, ’Why don’t I set boundaries for my own pain when this behavior hurts me? Why do I want him to come back? Why don’t I protect myself?’

I wouldn’t normally be so blunt, but just get over it! Stop ruminating. Who gives a F what happened. It’s not about you. You barely knew him. You’ll look back and realise this is a monumental waste of time

Be strong, put more value on yourself, I used to think like you, until I turned the situation back on myself, and said why am I, allowing it!
Give him the message you won’t settle, when it suits him

Those are very good questions, what do you think the answers are?

Dating is hard work. Bottom line: he’s not that into you. It doesn’t matter why. Dust yourself off and put it into context: you dated for 4 weeks, you barely knew each other after that amount time. A lot of how we feel in early dating is not about the other person at all, it’s about what we want them to be, hope they’ll be. We ignore any red flags and zero in on the cute little things they do/say as evidence of how perfect they are. But they aren’t: they’re normal flawed people just like the rest of us. I’m dating after divorce and I’ve met people who were really intense after a couple of dates, people who were very emotionally unavailable, and everything in between. I’ve learned to enjoy the dates for what they are and not be caught up in false intimacy. I’m currently in a scenario where I really felt like I was falling for the person but then she went a bit cool so I pulled back and now she’s keen as mustard again. I think it takes a few months for people to show you who they really are. Don’t let yourself get too invested before that.

People who love bomb are rarely good people.

Fair enough some youngsters get carried away but if a grown man is love bombing, it's never a good sign.

You putting up stories is not a good look. Either remove him, don’t post or hide your stories. That guy will know what you’re up to. Just play him at his own game, ignore he ever existed and cut the apron strings, that includes stories. You won’t ever know and we’ve all been there, giddy at the start, if this is the best version of himself, you’ve dodged a bullet. You weren’t going to grow old with him so have some bigger picture perspective.

@serenabar

Maybe he also felt scared that things were getting too deep. Maybe he’s not ready you slipped these two questions in among the others that you said the therapist asked you. There is no way the therapist would have been interested in his emotions. Men being 'scared' about their emotions or not being ready are not real life situations. They come from films and romantic novels.

In real life if a man is not consistently keen then it's because he's not that into you. There is no complicated back story. It's just simply that. He was keen at one time, but not keen enough and now he's not keen at all.

You need the therapy to understand why you are so preoccupied by someone who you hardly had a relationship with and is now not bothered. But trying to work out what he is thinking is something a therapist would never spend any time over as it is a complete waste of your time.

Seconding pp, 'scared things are getting too deep' is nonsense. It doesn't happen.

They like you or they don't. If they don't, they fanny you around.

If they like you, you're never left feeling out in the cold or like you don't know what they want.