Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abusive or am I wrong

73 replies

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:16

Sorry this is my first time posting here so not sure if I'm in the right place.
I have been with my partner for 18 years(not married) we have a ds 11 and a dd 9. When we first got together everything seemed great. He was my first boyfriend so didn't have any experience with what's right and what's not. After about a year of things going well things started to change in his behaviour like getting onto me for things that's minor but making it a big deal and carrying it on for days or simple name calling. But I shrugged it off thinking maybe he was just tired or I had done something wrong. Things carried on like this for a while until I told him I had enough and wanted to separate and he promised he would change so I stayed. For a while things were good and I felt like I made the right choice in staying. We had the dc and things carried on being great until about a year after our dd was born. I started noticing more signs of him slipping back to his old ways and started with the name calling again. My family adore him as they don't know anything of what's been happening but he always has something bad to say about them. The trouble is more with my dad as he can be quite immature and full on(I suspect adhd but not diagnosed) but his alone so I try my best by him. We lost my beautiful brother 3 months ago and things have been tough but my partner said he would take my dad to the cemetery to make him aware of where it is so can go when he wants. Fast forward to today and we were on our way to pick him up and partner exploded on me saying I was forcing him to take dad out and forcing him to see someone who he said is an idiot who can't live his life without me. I have offered to go alone on a bus but he always ends up saying we'll why don't you want me to take you (I don't drive but taking lessons) he was swearing at me and telling me he does too much for me when I'm the one who keeps the house going and goes shopping and does basically everything the only thing I ask of him is to take me shopping if possible. He is a good dad but doesn't understand treating me this way is not good for the kids to hear. He has said tonight he will find someone else and I will be regretting putting my foot down because I'm always in the wrong and have done everything wrong to him. Is this normal to make someone feel this way. Any advice greatly appreciated

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:24

I'm sorry to hear about your brother 💐You can contact Cruse for bereavement counselling if you need to talk.

I'm not really sure what your partner's problem is with your dad but I did notice that his behaviour really kicked in after the birth of your daughter.

He's abusive and none of his behaviour is ok. Name calling, belittling you, exploding or treating you like a domestic servant.

You need support right now and you're trying to look after your dad and don't need this on top of everything else.

No it's not normal. Your partner should be your best friend, your biggest cheerleader, your greatest help. He should cherish you and have your back.

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:27

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:24

I'm sorry to hear about your brother 💐You can contact Cruse for bereavement counselling if you need to talk.

I'm not really sure what your partner's problem is with your dad but I did notice that his behaviour really kicked in after the birth of your daughter.

He's abusive and none of his behaviour is ok. Name calling, belittling you, exploding or treating you like a domestic servant.

You need support right now and you're trying to look after your dad and don't need this on top of everything else.

No it's not normal. Your partner should be your best friend, your biggest cheerleader, your greatest help. He should cherish you and have your back.

Thank you so much. My dad has helped us out of some scrapes before and always asks about my partner but he just seems so angry all the time. Me and my brother weren't speaking when he passed and my partner has felt the need to keep reminding me of it. I have told him I can't do this anymore so that's why he threatened me with seeing another women. I appreciate your reply

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:29

What kind of help do you need?

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:30

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:29

What kind of help do you need?

I just needed some advice to make sure he was being abusive or whether I was going mad and thinking too much into it. I don't need help as such just someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing by putting my foot down

OP posts:
Artrunner · 04/05/2025 22:31

Oh I don't know you but nobody should be treated like this. I hope you find the strength to do what is best for you and your children.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:33

I'm not sure how useful putting your foot down is because he'll just ramp it up to punish you.

The best way of handling someone like this is grey rock. You might find the book Why Does He Do That helpful.

He is abusive and he won't change so it would be a good idea to start researching separation.

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:33

Artrunner · 04/05/2025 22:31

Oh I don't know you but nobody should be treated like this. I hope you find the strength to do what is best for you and your children.

Thank you it's so hard because he was my first boyfriend so I have just sort of accepted what his tossed at me over 18 years and it's gradually worn me down to where I thought it must have been me doing wrong but since my brother I just snapped thinking life's too short but theni felt guilty thinking I was doing wrong

OP posts:
SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/05/2025 22:35

Yes, put your foot down and separate. He hasn’t improved, he has gotten worse in his maltreatment of you. He is also creating rifts between you and your family.

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:35

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:33

I'm not sure how useful putting your foot down is because he'll just ramp it up to punish you.

The best way of handling someone like this is grey rock. You might find the book Why Does He Do That helpful.

He is abusive and he won't change so it would be a good idea to start researching separation.

Thanks for your reply I have told him tonight I think it's best to separate but then felt guilty but haven't told him I feel guilty. I only feel guilty because of how much he has gaslit me and manipulated me over the years but I ca t keep doing this mainly for my children.

OP posts:
Landofthefair · 04/05/2025 22:36

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:33

I'm not sure how useful putting your foot down is because he'll just ramp it up to punish you.

The best way of handling someone like this is grey rock. You might find the book Why Does He Do That helpful.

He is abusive and he won't change so it would be a good idea to start researching separation.

This. It might be hard to hear, and you may not believe it or make excuses for him, but he sounds miserable and is making you miserable. I don’t like him threatening to see other women, that’s really nasty and designed to keep you in your place and make you try harder to please him.

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:36

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/05/2025 22:35

Yes, put your foot down and separate. He hasn’t improved, he has gotten worse in his maltreatment of you. He is also creating rifts between you and your family.

Thank you I understand my dad can be a but full on sometimes but I tried to explain he shouldn't have offered if he didn't want to but went off on me saying if he wasnt with me he would have to put up with my "pathetic" dad his words

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:37

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:35

Thanks for your reply I have told him tonight I think it's best to separate but then felt guilty but haven't told him I feel guilty. I only feel guilty because of how much he has gaslit me and manipulated me over the years but I ca t keep doing this mainly for my children.

Show quote history

That sounds like a great idea. You're being really brave as I know what a big step this is.

Gingerbread have a good helpline for anything to do with being a single parent and the CABx website is also very good.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/05/2025 22:37

You are very vulnerable now you’ve told him you are separating.
Has he left the house? If he won’t, then you and the children should really go to your Dad’s or somewhere more safe.

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:38

Landofthefair · 04/05/2025 22:36

This. It might be hard to hear, and you may not believe it or make excuses for him, but he sounds miserable and is making you miserable. I don’t like him threatening to see other women, that’s really nasty and designed to keep you in your place and make you try harder to please him.

Show quote history

Thank you. This isn't the first time he has threatened this but I always let it go as I have always been so naive thinking he will stop eventually but since losing my brother I can't do this anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:39

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:37

That sounds like a great idea. You're being really brave as I know what a big step this is.

Gingerbread have a good helpline for anything to do with being a single parent and the CABx website is also very good.

Show quote history

Thank you I'm just determined my kids won't be putting up with this anymore I just need to make sure he doesn't try to manipulate me into going back with him

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 04/05/2025 22:39

Your husband's behaviour is not normal. He's abusive, nasty, belittles you and doesn't think your feelings/opinions are important. Threatening to find someone else, is all hot air, he wants you to be worried and anxious to keep you 'in line'. You no doubt spend your time walking on egg shells wondering when the next outburst of anger and unreasonable behaviour is going to happen. Unfortunately, no matter what you do, your husband will always find fault and reason to moan and belittle you. He's a nasty nasty man.

Landofthefair · 04/05/2025 22:40

I think maybe do as sugarand spice suggests and go stay with your dad while you seek advice.
how did he take it when you told him? I’m guessing he will be angry and try to make out that you are wrong and he is the victim. He already is..by blaming your dad.

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:40

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/05/2025 22:37

You are very vulnerable now you’ve told him you are separating.
Has he left the house? If he won’t, then you and the children should really go to your Dad’s or somewhere more safe.

Yes but he had a couple of glasses of alcohol and left saying he was going to find someone else and told me I would be regretting my choices when he doesn't come back and that I would be begging for him to come back which I'm not as me and my kids deserve better

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:42

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:39

Thank you I'm just determined my kids won't be putting up with this anymore I just need to make sure he doesn't try to manipulate me into going back with him

Show quote history

Write down how he's been since your daughter was born and write examples. One would be "constantly reminding me that I was estranged from my brother when he died".

Read that back to yourself when you waver because he won't change.

Landofthefair · 04/05/2025 22:43

Oh op he sounds awful. If he is out, it might be a chance to go to your dads. I suspect he might not come back - so you will worry and he will have you trying harder again, or come back but drunk and angry which you don’t really want to have to listen to.

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:43

Sassybooklover · 04/05/2025 22:39

Your husband's behaviour is not normal. He's abusive, nasty, belittles you and doesn't think your feelings/opinions are important. Threatening to find someone else, is all hot air, he wants you to be worried and anxious to keep you 'in line'. You no doubt spend your time walking on egg shells wondering when the next outburst of anger and unreasonable behaviour is going to happen. Unfortunately, no matter what you do, your husband will always find fault and reason to moan and belittle you. He's a nasty nasty man.

Thank you for your reply. He can get really nasty with arguments but when we were not arguing he would be loving but still show little signs that all was not well when he didn't get his own way. I feel like no matter what I do it won't be good enough for him but he thinks he can do it because I have accepted his behaviour for 18 years

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:45

Landofthefair · 04/05/2025 22:40

I think maybe do as sugarand spice suggests and go stay with your dad while you seek advice.
how did he take it when you told him? I’m guessing he will be angry and try to make out that you are wrong and he is the victim. He already is..by blaming your dad.

Yeah he was saying I must never have loved him and he will not forgive me and went on a rampage saying lots of horrible things about how my family feel about me and about my dad and basically just acted like a lunatic. I'm safe I have made sure to lock the door and he hasn't got a key

OP posts:
pimplebum · 04/05/2025 22:45

No partner should ever call you names , silent treatment or moan about you taking care of your family , reminding you about your fall out with your brother is extremely cruel , all of this is abusive and has no part in a relationship

no child should see or hear this

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:46

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:42

Write down how he's been since your daughter was born and write examples. One would be "constantly reminding me that I was estranged from my brother when he died".

Read that back to yourself when you waver because he won't change.

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you. It's only been 3 months since my brother died but when he gets angry that's all he tells me. He says how I should have been a better sister and my brother will never forgive me

OP posts:
Catofthesouth · 04/05/2025 22:46

Glad you are safe, lovely. Well done and stay positive xxx