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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abusive or am I wrong

73 replies

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:16

Sorry this is my first time posting here so not sure if I'm in the right place.
I have been with my partner for 18 years(not married) we have a ds 11 and a dd 9. When we first got together everything seemed great. He was my first boyfriend so didn't have any experience with what's right and what's not. After about a year of things going well things started to change in his behaviour like getting onto me for things that's minor but making it a big deal and carrying it on for days or simple name calling. But I shrugged it off thinking maybe he was just tired or I had done something wrong. Things carried on like this for a while until I told him I had enough and wanted to separate and he promised he would change so I stayed. For a while things were good and I felt like I made the right choice in staying. We had the dc and things carried on being great until about a year after our dd was born. I started noticing more signs of him slipping back to his old ways and started with the name calling again. My family adore him as they don't know anything of what's been happening but he always has something bad to say about them. The trouble is more with my dad as he can be quite immature and full on(I suspect adhd but not diagnosed) but his alone so I try my best by him. We lost my beautiful brother 3 months ago and things have been tough but my partner said he would take my dad to the cemetery to make him aware of where it is so can go when he wants. Fast forward to today and we were on our way to pick him up and partner exploded on me saying I was forcing him to take dad out and forcing him to see someone who he said is an idiot who can't live his life without me. I have offered to go alone on a bus but he always ends up saying we'll why don't you want me to take you (I don't drive but taking lessons) he was swearing at me and telling me he does too much for me when I'm the one who keeps the house going and goes shopping and does basically everything the only thing I ask of him is to take me shopping if possible. He is a good dad but doesn't understand treating me this way is not good for the kids to hear. He has said tonight he will find someone else and I will be regretting putting my foot down because I'm always in the wrong and have done everything wrong to him. Is this normal to make someone feel this way. Any advice greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Landofthefair · 04/05/2025 22:47

I’ve been through this - it took me years to realize what was going on and I doubted I was right and made excuses too.
i finally realised thanks to mumsnetters, that the ‘being loving’ is to keep you hoping and trying. Just as you think you are getting somewhere - for me it was having the house finally tidy, or going out with friends, he’d find something to criticize or get cross about. I’d be too flustered to see the friends, and gradually lost all my confidence.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:47

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:46

Thank you. It's only been 3 months since my brother died but when he gets angry that's all he tells me. He says how I should have been a better sister and my brother will never forgive me

Show quote history

He's not right in the head and he doesn't love you. Someone who loved you wouldn't be so cruel. Please don't listen to him.

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:48

Landofthefair · 04/05/2025 22:43

Oh op he sounds awful. If he is out, it might be a chance to go to your dads. I suspect he might not come back - so you will worry and he will have you trying harder again, or come back but drunk and angry which you don’t really want to have to listen to.

My dad doesn't live close to me because my partner wanted to moce away from my family so he wasnt surrounded by everyone getting on his nerves but I'm ok I have the door locked and he doesn't have a key so couldn't get in anyway

OP posts:
Landofthefair · 04/05/2025 22:48

milo is right. Go stay with your dad now, Give women’s aid a call tomorrow.
good luck. Don’t be like me and keep thinking it will get better/ it’s too hard to leave.

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:50

pimplebum · 04/05/2025 22:45

No partner should ever call you names , silent treatment or moan about you taking care of your family , reminding you about your fall out with your brother is extremely cruel , all of this is abusive and has no part in a relationship

no child should see or hear this

Thank you. He doesn't seem to understand what's cruel and what's not as long as his getting his own way. I have promised myself my kids won't be hearing this anymore. They didn't ask for this

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:50

Catofthesouth · 04/05/2025 22:46

Glad you are safe, lovely. Well done and stay positive xxx

Thanks you so much

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:52

Landofthefair · 04/05/2025 22:47

I’ve been through this - it took me years to realize what was going on and I doubted I was right and made excuses too.
i finally realised thanks to mumsnetters, that the ‘being loving’ is to keep you hoping and trying. Just as you think you are getting somewhere - for me it was having the house finally tidy, or going out with friends, he’d find something to criticize or get cross about. I’d be too flustered to see the friends, and gradually lost all my confidence.

Thank you I probably wouldn't have done this if it hadn't been for my brothers passing. He was only 31 so made me realise life is too short as I'm 34 and don't want to get older with this sort of life

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:53

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:47

He's not right in the head and he doesn't love you. Someone who loved you wouldn't be so cruel. Please don't listen to him.

Show quote history

I have listened to him for 18 years but it stops now because I have finally come to realise today he will never change

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:54

Landofthefair · 04/05/2025 22:48

milo is right. Go stay with your dad now, Give women’s aid a call tomorrow.
good luck. Don’t be like me and keep thinking it will get better/ it’s too hard to leave.

Thank you so much

OP posts:
SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/05/2025 22:55

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:40

Yes but he had a couple of glasses of alcohol and left saying he was going to find someone else and told me I would be regretting my choices when he doesn't come back and that I would be begging for him to come back which I'm not as me and my kids deserve better

Show quote history

He may come back drunk and angry late tonight.
Please don’t be alone with your kids.
Can you have your Dad come over for the night? Or a friend?
Or you go to your Dad’s?

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:56

Just to add my brother was only 31 when he passed and I admit he got on a lot better with my partner at times which he can't wait to remind me of. He has been so cruel about me and my brother not speaking behind closed doors but to everyone else points out that's what families do. He is so toxic I can't believe it has took me this long to see it

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:57

What's the plan if your partner comes back?

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/05/2025 22:58

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:48

My dad doesn't live close to me because my partner wanted to moce away from my family so he wasnt surrounded by everyone getting on his nerves but I'm ok I have the door locked and he doesn't have a key so couldn't get in anyway

Show quote history

If you have a window, he can get in.

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:58

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/05/2025 22:55

He may come back drunk and angry late tonight.
Please don’t be alone with your kids.
Can you have your Dad come over for the night? Or a friend?
Or you go to your Dad’s?

Edited
Show quote history

I have told my neighbour who is going to keep a look out and phone the police if she hears or sees him causing any trouble. I have let my mum know so she can come over with her husband if I need her

OP posts:
SoManyPostcards · 04/05/2025 22:58

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:30

I just needed some advice to make sure he was being abusive or whether I was going mad and thinking too much into it. I don't need help as such just someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing by putting my foot down

Show quote history

Name-calling, exploding, swearing = 🚩🚩🚩

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:00

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/05/2025 22:58

If you have a window, he can get in.

Show quote history

I understand and have contacted my mum and my neighbour as my dad won't be awake and don't really want to wake the kids if necessary but will if I have to. Up to now it's been all quiet apart from one message saying he did love me but doesn't now with how I have acted apparently

OP posts:
SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/05/2025 23:01

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:58

I have told my neighbour who is going to keep a look out and phone the police if she hears or sees him causing any trouble. I have let my mum know so she can come over with her husband if I need her

Show quote history

You need them now.
You may not get a chance to call them if he has ill intent.
Even if you do, there wont be time for them to get to you.
You need them here with you now.
That way if he starts trouble, they’re with you and one of you can call the police

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:03

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 04/05/2025 23:01

You need them now.
You may not get a chance to call them if he has ill intent.
Even if you do, there wont be time for them to get to you.
You need them here with you now.
That way if he starts trouble, they’re with you and one of you can call the police

Show quote history

Thank you I'm going to ring my mum and tell her to come over just to make sure I have someone here. She will come straight over so won't take her long

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:06

Thank you everyone. I have contacted my mum and she's on her way with her husband but she doesn't know what's been going on so will need to explain everything to her. She will be gutted he has been using her sons name like this but she has a right to know and I have kept it quiet for 18 years but not anymore. Thanks for all the replies

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:08

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 22:57

What's the plan if your partner comes back?

My mum is coming over with her husband incase I need help and she can phone the police while her husband helps deal with him. Then if he doesn't come back tonight when he comes back to see the kids I'm going to make sure I have someone here with me

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 04/05/2025 23:10

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:39

Thank you I'm just determined my kids won't be putting up with this anymore I just need to make sure he doesn't try to manipulate me into going back with him

Show quote history

You seem intelligent.
Just be smart enough not to be manipulated.
You’ve known the man for 18 years, so you should know all his tricks.
Don’t be fooled by them.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 04/05/2025 23:10

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:08

My mum is coming over with her husband incase I need help and she can phone the police while her husband helps deal with him. Then if he doesn't come back tonight when he comes back to see the kids I'm going to make sure I have someone here with me

Show quote history

You're making great strides. Sounds like a plan.

SoManyPostcards · 04/05/2025 23:12

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:00

I understand and have contacted my mum and my neighbour as my dad won't be awake and don't really want to wake the kids if necessary but will if I have to. Up to now it's been all quiet apart from one message saying he did love me but doesn't now with how I have acted apparently

Show quote history

Nice try on his part. Tell him to find another woman to spend the night with because you’re done and you don’t love him because of his behaviour. Turn it around for yourself and your children.

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:12

DreamTheMoors · 04/05/2025 23:10

You seem intelligent.
Just be smart enough not to be manipulated.
You’ve known the man for 18 years, so you should know all his tricks.
Don’t be fooled by them.

Show quote history

Thank you. I got with him when I was 16 and I'm now 34 and he was my first boyfriend so I have been fooled for a long time but I'm smart enough to know I won't be doing this to me or my kids again

OP posts:
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