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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abusive or am I wrong

73 replies

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 22:16

Sorry this is my first time posting here so not sure if I'm in the right place.
I have been with my partner for 18 years(not married) we have a ds 11 and a dd 9. When we first got together everything seemed great. He was my first boyfriend so didn't have any experience with what's right and what's not. After about a year of things going well things started to change in his behaviour like getting onto me for things that's minor but making it a big deal and carrying it on for days or simple name calling. But I shrugged it off thinking maybe he was just tired or I had done something wrong. Things carried on like this for a while until I told him I had enough and wanted to separate and he promised he would change so I stayed. For a while things were good and I felt like I made the right choice in staying. We had the dc and things carried on being great until about a year after our dd was born. I started noticing more signs of him slipping back to his old ways and started with the name calling again. My family adore him as they don't know anything of what's been happening but he always has something bad to say about them. The trouble is more with my dad as he can be quite immature and full on(I suspect adhd but not diagnosed) but his alone so I try my best by him. We lost my beautiful brother 3 months ago and things have been tough but my partner said he would take my dad to the cemetery to make him aware of where it is so can go when he wants. Fast forward to today and we were on our way to pick him up and partner exploded on me saying I was forcing him to take dad out and forcing him to see someone who he said is an idiot who can't live his life without me. I have offered to go alone on a bus but he always ends up saying we'll why don't you want me to take you (I don't drive but taking lessons) he was swearing at me and telling me he does too much for me when I'm the one who keeps the house going and goes shopping and does basically everything the only thing I ask of him is to take me shopping if possible. He is a good dad but doesn't understand treating me this way is not good for the kids to hear. He has said tonight he will find someone else and I will be regretting putting my foot down because I'm always in the wrong and have done everything wrong to him. Is this normal to make someone feel this way. Any advice greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:14

SoManyPostcards · 04/05/2025 23:12

Nice try on his part. Tell him to find another woman to spend the night with because you’re done and you don’t love him because of his behaviour. Turn it around for yourself and your children.

Show quote history

Yeah I told him when he threatened me with another woman good luck with someone else putting up with this and I wasn't any longer so he can find someone else I don't care

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 04/05/2025 23:14

He is not a good person. You know this and need to trust your judgement. You’d be well rid of him, OP. And if you stick with him? Another 20, 30, 40 years of the same abuse.

SoManyPostcards · 04/05/2025 23:18

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:14

Yeah I told him when he threatened me with another woman good luck with someone else putting up with this and I wasn't any longer so he can find someone else I don't care

Show quote history

I’m sure there will be a long queue 🙄
You’re young. You don’t need him.

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:26

Mmhmmn · 04/05/2025 23:14

He is not a good person. You know this and need to trust your judgement. You’d be well rid of him, OP. And if you stick with him? Another 20, 30, 40 years of the same abuse.

I know that's what made me think like this because I couldn't do this for another year never mind 10 or 20

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:26

SoManyPostcards · 04/05/2025 23:18

I’m sure there will be a long queue 🙄
You’re young. You don’t need him.

Show quote history

Thank you so much

OP posts:
BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 04/05/2025 23:39

"He is a good dad but doesn't understand treating me this way is not good for the kids to hear"

He is NOT a good dad. He is an appalling dad. No decent father abuses his children's mother in front of them. He is horribly abusive, and he isn't just abusing you, he is abusing your children as well.

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:42

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 04/05/2025 23:39

"He is a good dad but doesn't understand treating me this way is not good for the kids to hear"

He is NOT a good dad. He is an appalling dad. No decent father abuses his children's mother in front of them. He is horribly abusive, and he isn't just abusing you, he is abusing your children as well.

Thank you for this reply this is exactly what I needed to hear. I guess I just meant his always been there for them and hasn't done to them what he does to me but yes the way his treating me his not a good dad In the slightest

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 04/05/2025 23:48

and hasn't done to them what he does to me

except he is showing them how relationships go. This is their model and it isn’t good. So he is harming them in the long term. Your dc will need to see that we do not stay in relationships with abusive partners, and abusive partners get left on their own.

DreamTheMoors · 04/05/2025 23:49

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:14

Yeah I told him when he threatened me with another woman good luck with someone else putting up with this and I wasn't any longer so he can find someone else I don't care

Show quote history

Instead of saying good luck with another woman, just say “I don’t care any more.”

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:51

Mmhmmn · 04/05/2025 23:48

and hasn't done to them what he does to me

except he is showing them how relationships go. This is their model and it isn’t good. So he is harming them in the long term. Your dc will need to see that we do not stay in relationships with abusive partners, and abusive partners get left on their own.

I know this is what I'm planning on showing them. I know I have left it too long but at least I have wised up to it now with no going back

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:51

DreamTheMoors · 04/05/2025 23:49

Instead of saying good luck with another woman, just say “I don’t care any more.”

Edited
Show quote history

I will do this if he tries to say this again but I'm just going to show I don't care with my actions although I'm broken inside but don't want him to see he has broken me

OP posts:
Properjob · 04/05/2025 23:53

Good luck OP stay strong hope all goes as well as possible and you get some sleep. Get the best solicitor you can afford, asap. X

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:55

Properjob · 04/05/2025 23:53

Good luck OP stay strong hope all goes as well as possible and you get some sleep. Get the best solicitor you can afford, asap. X

Thank you so much I have my mum here with me now so I'm going tk go and explain to her what's been going on and will update tomorrow if he decides to try anything daft

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 04/05/2025 23:57

Exactly, that is great you’ve decided you’ve had enough. Time for a nicer life. 🙌

Mmhmmn · 04/05/2025 23:58

Ps he hasn’t broken you. You’re the strong one.

DreamTheMoors · 04/05/2025 23:58

Isitjustme25 · 04/05/2025 23:51

I will do this if he tries to say this again but I'm just going to show I don't care with my actions although I'm broken inside but don't want him to see he has broken me

Show quote history

What??
He hasn’t broken you - what nonsense!
Here you are, talking to everybody, making sense, no spelling errors, you’re doing great!
Stop talking to yourself like that.
You sound like that guy you married.
You’re that fierce girl who’s about to kick ass and take names - you got me? ❤️

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 05/05/2025 00:01

Mmhmmn · 04/05/2025 23:57

Exactly, that is great you’ve decided you’ve had enough. Time for a nicer life. 🙌

Here's hoping. Just want to make some nice memories with my dc

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 05/05/2025 00:03

DreamTheMoors · 04/05/2025 23:58

What??
He hasn’t broken you - what nonsense!
Here you are, talking to everybody, making sense, no spelling errors, you’re doing great!
Stop talking to yourself like that.
You sound like that guy you married.
You’re that fierce girl who’s about to kick ass and take names - you got me? ❤️

Show quote history

Thank you so much❤️this is the exact response I needed. I didn't realise how strong I could be, just wish I had done it sooner but now I can finally feel free and live my life with my beautiful kids and enjoy time with them without worrying about anything else

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 05/05/2025 00:04

Isitjustme25 · 05/05/2025 00:03

Thank you so much❤️this is the exact response I needed. I didn't realise how strong I could be, just wish I had done it sooner but now I can finally feel free and live my life with my beautiful kids and enjoy time with them without worrying about anything else

Show quote history

That’s our Wonder Woman ❤️

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 05/05/2025 00:05

Thank you so much to everyone for your kind responses. You have all made me feel like I can do this and can finally start living my life with my dc and not have to put up with an abuser who doesn't love or care for me. You's have helped me more than you could ever know thank you❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 05/05/2025 00:12

Isitjustme25 · 05/05/2025 00:05

Thank you so much to everyone for your kind responses. You have all made me feel like I can do this and can finally start living my life with my dc and not have to put up with an abuser who doesn't love or care for me. You's have helped me more than you could ever know thank you❤️❤️❤️

Every time you begin to doubt yourself, stop and consider it it’s a legitimate doubt.
If it is, do something about it.
If you can’t do anything about it, forget about it.
For Heaven’s sake, don’t spend your days and nights worrying and fretting and doubting yourself.
You have to believe in yourself because of your kids.
You have to believe in yourself because of you.
You three are all you’ve got.
And remember to believe that you’re
Wonder Woman!
Always believe the good things about yourself. ❤️

Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 05/05/2025 00:29

DreamTheMoors · 05/05/2025 00:12

Every time you begin to doubt yourself, stop and consider it it’s a legitimate doubt.
If it is, do something about it.
If you can’t do anything about it, forget about it.
For Heaven’s sake, don’t spend your days and nights worrying and fretting and doubting yourself.
You have to believe in yourself because of your kids.
You have to believe in yourself because of you.
You three are all you’ve got.
And remember to believe that you’re
Wonder Woman!
Always believe the good things about yourself. ❤️

Show quote history

Thank you so much I will follow your advice. I know me and my dc are going to be just fine and more importantly happy❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustme25 · 05/05/2025 13:15

Just to add an update. He did return today and wanted to talk so I sat down with him now he was calmer. He asked if I could forgive him for what he did so I told him no I couldn't and that I had forgiven him for 18 years but to use my brothers name the way he did I could no longer forgive him. He promised he would change and all the usual stuff but I stayed strong and told him this was the final straw. I told him I wanted to be happy with my kids and he wasn't allowing that. He didn't like it and pleaded but finally stopped when he realised I wasn't going to change my mind. I feel so relieved to have had that conversation and get everything out in the open. Time to start living for me and my dc and move on. Thanks again to everyone for your kind words❤️

OP posts:
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