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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In a relationship with a man who has a child from previous partner

95 replies

BeKindCrow · 04/05/2025 17:19

Hey girls,

So I've been dating a man who has a child from a previous partner for over 2 years. I've never tried to come in the way of him or his daughter and never will but there are times when he makes it clear that I dont mean anything as much as his daughter. I've moved in with him and live in his house with his daughter.

He is generally good as a partner but he stonewalls me whenever I try and talk about something serious. We say I love you and everything but he just treats me so different sometimes and it shows me that he can talk about things with his daughter but not me. I try not to start a fight and try to be as open as I can whenever something does bother me, but he becomes nasty to me when I want to open up. He'll speak to her if she needs him, but if I want to discuss something he'll completely disregard my feelings. There will be small things like if she is cold he'll give her his jumper but if I'm cold he'll ignore it. I never ever expect him to put his daughter after me but he makes it a way that it's him and his daughter against me when the situation may not even be related to his daughter.

I just sometimes feel like im being used, because he obviously knows how to treat a woman nicely but not me. I always put both of them first, but he always reminds me that I'm not as important as her even if it's not related. It's starting to really get to me because I give as much as I can to them both but when I need something I'm met with dismissal.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

TipsyJoker · 05/05/2025 11:28

BeKindCrow · 05/05/2025 10:42

I would like to emphasise how much I don't expect to be first, i just want the same amount of respect in the relationship. Like how he can clearly be nice but treats me a different way.

Because it’s a choice. He chooses to treat you like shit because he’s an abusive man and that’s what abusive men do. He is choosing it. He could be nice but he doesn’t want to because men like him actually hate women. He will never get better. Leave now.

Bibi12 · 05/05/2025 12:25

BeKindCrow · 05/05/2025 10:42

I would like to emphasise how much I don't expect to be first, i just want the same amount of respect in the relationship. Like how he can clearly be nice but treats me a different way.

I really don't buy into the idea that one relationship needs to be first and another second. Relationship with a child and a partner are completely different and you should not feel like you're competing at all!

Children depend on their parents so of course their wellbeing comes first. However you should have a really special and intimate relationships and come first as a partner.

People who are not 100% invested in their relationship will often use children as an excuse. The reality is that having his daughter will only impact the amount otime he can give you not the quality. If he doesn't treat you well it has nothing to do with his child.

Luluissleeping · 05/05/2025 12:43

Do not sell your own house. Move back into it. Otherwise you are setting up a massive insecurity as you will have no claim over his house as you are not married. Personally I would end the relationship.

Lorlorlorikeet · 05/05/2025 12:57

How much childcare do you do @BeKindCrow (without him)?

How much cleaning and cooking do you do for everyone?

Sounds like he’s got a house keeper and nanny-with-a-fanny. He treats you with total contempt.

Do not sell your house, for fuck’s sake. End the relationship and move home.

Original poster

BeKindCrow · 05/05/2025 13:15

I have gone back to my house today and said that I dont mean anything bad by it, we just obviously need some space and he said do what you want. This was after he ignored me the third time. So I'm back at my house now. I'm reading through the rest of the comments now, as my thoughts are all over the place

OP posts:

Luluissleeping · 05/05/2025 13:37

Stay home. Take your house off the market. He is not respecting you. So many women on here move into their partner's place, not realising they have no claim on the partner's home. Incredibly insecure position to be in. Spend some time on your own. Sure he puts his child first, as it should be. But the way he treats you is not nice.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/05/2025 13:39

“Girls ”?

Of course he doesn’t love you as much as he loves his child. He never will. If you can’t handle that, you need to move on.

Mum2jenny · 05/05/2025 13:43

BeKindCrow · 05/05/2025 13:15

I’d stay home and take your house off the market.
And I’d wait and see how he reacts to this. I don’t think your relationship will have a positive outcome for yourself as he seems to be a nasty selfish individual

AlertCat · 05/05/2025 14:10

BeKindCrow · 05/05/2025 13:15

It sounds as if he wants to break up, frankly. I don’t see how this relationship will ever bring you happiness.

Unijourney · 05/05/2025 14:22

He is toxic and his stonewalling/anger are all part of the control.

A couple of books for you to read "why does he do that" by Lundy and books by Patricia Evans. What you will learn is you are in the cycle of abuse and he is triangulating you with his daughter. It never, ever gets better. I learned that from my own experience and it was only MN that opened by eyes to the abuse cycle.

Don't sell your place, as awful as it is to pull out of a sale you must protect yourself and have stability.

Btw, this isn't you. Its him. He will behave like this with any partner.

Carpetty · 05/05/2025 14:23

OP, please please contact Women's aid.

You are in a toxic abusive relationship.
He has thrown you out of his house multiple times and yet you think selling your house and moving in is actually a good idea.

What happens when your house is gone and you are even more vulnerable?

Where will you go?

He is abusive and you are obviously a very vulnerable woman that you would think that this is all you deserve.

Two books you must buy and read are

"Why does he do that?" Lundy Bancroft
"Women who love too much? Robin Norwood

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
to help you build boundaries and self confidence.

Read up on The boiled frog analogy.
Read up on The Shark cage.

He doesn't even like you, not to mind love you.

He enjoys treating you like the shit on his shoe and watch you come back for another round.

Stop lying to your family and friends about how awful he is.
If you were my daughter I would be devastated that you were being treated like this by such scum.

You have one precious life.
Stop wasting it on a nasty loser.

Stop investing in him.
Start educating and investing in yourself.

Stop the sale of your house. Focus on your job and yourself so that you can protect yourself from men that will use and abuse you.

We are here for you.

Bananalanacake · 05/05/2025 15:01

Don't move back in with him, at all

GreyCarpet · 05/05/2025 15:26

BeKindCrow · 05/05/2025 13:15

This post is quite telling, tbh.

You've gone back to your own home and told him to don't mean anything bad by it.

Why did it feel necessary to say that?

Why would you think doing something for yourself might be perceived as a negative towards him?

And, actually, given that he keeps kicking you out, why would you care how he perceives it?

When you think about taking your home off the market and ending the relationship, what are your thoughts and feelings around this?

TwistedWonder · 05/05/2025 15:37

BeKindCrow · 05/05/2025 13:15

Have to agree with @GreyCarpet - it’s a bit worrying that despite him treating you so poorly and blanking you this morning you still feel the need to tip toe around him to go back home and have time on your own.

I do feel from your posts you really want to continue this relationship and are desperately hoping against hope that he’ll suddenly change and start respecting you.

Please use this time alone to really think hard about how he treats you and why you’re so willing to accept the crumbs he throws you. This isn’t a good man who cares about you - you need to see the reality.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 05/05/2025 16:13

Thank goodness you have your own home.
Would he want a man in the future to treat and speak to his daughter the way he treats you? No. He knows the difference between kindness and abuse because he hands both out in equal measure.
It can be a real challenge entering into a relationship with someone with a child. Of course, the child always comes first but being loving to a child and to a partner are not mutually exclusive.
You don’t cosset one and then abuse the other.
Do not allow yourself back into this situation. It’s tough, it may feel lonely, but the ignoring and backbiting are just awful.
You should be sharing today with someone who cares for you. If it can’t be him, at least let it be you.

blueleavesgreensky · 05/05/2025 16:37

OP this is as good as it gets with him. It will only go downhill. You weren’t happy now. You’ll be even less happy and with seriously messed up confidence in yourself if you continue.

as others have said DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE.

we can’t stop you but we are shrieking it at you as loud as we can. Just don’t do it

Roosch · 05/05/2025 16:39

BeKindCrow · 05/05/2025 10:42

I would like to emphasise how much I don't expect to be first, i just want the same amount of respect in the relationship. Like how he can clearly be nice but treats me a different way.

I actually disagree with you saying you should come after the child. I would say that a man should prioritise his wife as first.

Don’t settle for bottom of the pile when you don’t need to.

Please leave. Everyone else can see it.

Zucker · 05/05/2025 16:52

The way he's treating you has nothing to do with his daughter. This guy would be a rotten partner for you whether he had a child or not. I don't think he likes you as a person OP.

Please do not go back to that house or sell your own house or pool your resources with this man. Who cares if he has hurty feelings over it, he certainly doesn't care if he hurts your feelings!

Meadowfinch · 06/05/2025 02:54

Op, putting the daughter to one side, why would you move in with someone who throws you out on the street at regular intervals? You would be placing yourself in an abusive situation. For goodness sake stop and see his motives for what they are.

He wants someone to pay half the bills, a free baby sitter, someone to keep his bed warm and clean his loo. Someone he already knows he can bully.

He is a walking red flag. You would be an unpaid unloved skivvy.

You have been able to give yourself some space today and that is good. Once you have sold your house and moved in with him, that would not be possible. He could tell you to F off, and you would have nowhere to go. If you buy a house together you would than spend a year or more fighting to get your money back. If he turns violent, where could you run to? He doesn't love you. You are walking in to a trap.

Please stop the sale of your house. Don't put yourself in that situation.

Apreslapluielesoleil · 06/05/2025 03:11

Read back your posts , leaving out everything about his daughter. Then you’ll have it in black and white just what a horrible person he is. That is him. That is his personality and that is what you would be living with day after day. He won’t magically turn into a nice person. it will not get any better.
He’s not just waving a couple of red flags at you, you could sew them all together into a sheet big enough to cover a football field.
Stay in your own home, wave him goodbye.

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