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Original poster

In a relationship with a man who has a child from previous partner

95 replies

BeKindCrow · 04/05/2025 17:19

Hey girls,

So I've been dating a man who has a child from a previous partner for over 2 years. I've never tried to come in the way of him or his daughter and never will but there are times when he makes it clear that I dont mean anything as much as his daughter. I've moved in with him and live in his house with his daughter.

He is generally good as a partner but he stonewalls me whenever I try and talk about something serious. We say I love you and everything but he just treats me so different sometimes and it shows me that he can talk about things with his daughter but not me. I try not to start a fight and try to be as open as I can whenever something does bother me, but he becomes nasty to me when I want to open up. He'll speak to her if she needs him, but if I want to discuss something he'll completely disregard my feelings. There will be small things like if she is cold he'll give her his jumper but if I'm cold he'll ignore it. I never ever expect him to put his daughter after me but he makes it a way that it's him and his daughter against me when the situation may not even be related to his daughter.

I just sometimes feel like im being used, because he obviously knows how to treat a woman nicely but not me. I always put both of them first, but he always reminds me that I'm not as important as her even if it's not related. It's starting to really get to me because I give as much as I can to them both but when I need something I'm met with dismissal.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 04/05/2025 18:26

BeKindCrow · 04/05/2025 18:01

I actually am in the process of selling my own house to move in with him. It was after around a year and I'd be half in his house/half in mine.

I am worried that he will kick me out again after the move, yes. I've been staying because he was different at first but we both have had multiple massive arguments which led us to not talking for days etc during these couple years. I am starting to think that I'm being used as stayed in original post, but I just wanted to hear out the thoughts of anyone else

Why are you saying he’s a good partner if he keeps threatening to throw you out if his house?
You would be mad to move in with him.
My OH has three DC - two daughters and a son.
While it’s a different relationship he extends then sane courtesies to me as he does to them.
Do not give up your home for this man.

ginasevern · 04/05/2025 18:35

You shouldn't see his daughter as your daughter because she isn't. You also shouldn't expect the same treatment as a child (the jumper reference) because that's pathetic. Sharing a partner with their child is tough and a high proportion of relationships fail miserably because of it. From what you've said, you would be incredibly foolish to sell your home and move in with him. In fact, I don't think this relationship is for you at all.

Original poster
BeKindCrow · 04/05/2025 18:36

Yeah I am starting to wonder why I'm calling him a good partner. I think everyone is right in the fact that these are two different topics almost. I think I just wanted to know if it was different from a parents perspective because he compares us so much, but I think its made me overlook the major red flags in the actual relationship

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 04/05/2025 18:37

He’s abusive. Leave and go back to your own house. Go full no contact, do the freedom programme and get some individual counselling to build self esteem, learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries and be more assertive. This won’t get better. The abuse will ramp up dramatically once he has you trapped in his house with nowhere to go.

Also, read this book immediately. It’s free.

archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

MemorableTrenchcoat · 04/05/2025 18:40

You’re selling your house so you can live with someone who frequently kicks you out? Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds?

interestedwhy · 04/05/2025 18:41

It seems quite simple to me , a man should treat his children with care , a man should treat his wife with care . Your partner treats his child with care but not you . Don’t sell your house - move back to it . You deserve much better than this - anyone would .

Original poster
BeKindCrow · 04/05/2025 18:46

Ginaseven - I know it was a childish example and I did write earlier that I regret using that. I'll add more context- I think it was the fact that we went out today with his daughter and her friend and we both gave them our jackets. When his daughter said she was too warm, he saw I had been shaking for about an hour and put it on himself and didn't seem to care at all that I was cold for the rest of the event. I dont know if its ott but just wanted to clear why it was an example I added at the time when I wrote the post

OP posts:
MoominMai · 04/05/2025 18:47

BeKindCrow · 04/05/2025 18:01

I actually am in the process of selling my own house to move in with him. It was after around a year and I'd be half in his house/half in mine.

I am worried that he will kick me out again after the move, yes. I've been staying because he was different at first but we both have had multiple massive arguments which led us to not talking for days etc during these couple years. I am starting to think that I'm being used as stayed in original post, but I just wanted to hear out the thoughts of anyone else

OP, The house issue is something I can relate to here. My ex was constantly on at me after 2 years together to sell up and buy together but after a year I’d seen too many red flags and always the most petty arguments caused by him. In fact the first time I actually laughed in his face but he was deadly serious and I was shocked how emotionally immature he was. He also gave me the silent treatment for the stupidest of things including having to stay overnight for work as he was adamant it was my choice as opposed to work requiring it. Anyway I eventually ended it as I just knew if I ever moved in with him whether his house or our joint one, I just felt in my gut he’d probably be regularly kicking me out so I trusted my gut and ended it. I think you should do the same. How your DP and my ex acted is not okay and not conducive to a happy and secure relationship. Ps your DP sounds worse though as to give him his due my ex was chivalrous and would always ‘look after me’ though in practical thoughtful ways - which made leaving him harder!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 04/05/2025 18:49

He sounds awful OP. Please don’t sell your house to be with him. He’s mean to you and is definitely doing it on purpose. If he can be kind to his DD he can be kind to you too. He’s choosing not to.

Stop the sale of your house. Move back into it. And move out of his life!

outerspacepotato · 04/05/2025 18:53

BeKindCrow · 04/05/2025 18:15

Outerspacepotato - your term of bangsitter is actually quite accurate in terms of how I feel sometimes. I do need to listen to you ladies as our relationship does make me feel bad about myself quite a lot.

You know what that means then.

Time to end it. He's using you for babysitting and sex, treating you poorly, and if you sell your home, you will have no where to go without spending a lot of money. The repeated kicking you out should be a relationship ender in itself.

This is not how a partner who loves you would treat you.

safetyfreak · 04/05/2025 18:55

This man is abusive,

This is not about his child at all.

My abusive ex husband would regularly kick me out of his home when we disagreed, it was so degrading. However, I was young at the time and had nowhere else to go. What is your excuse? You are in a fortunate position where you have an asset.

TwistedWonder · 04/05/2025 19:00

There’s a definite thing where younger men look for a nanny with a fanny and older men want a nurse with a purse.

This bloke definitely sees you as the former and it’s all about his wants and not your needs.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/05/2025 19:14

lnks · 04/05/2025 17:23

Firstly, we are women not girls.

“there are times when he makes it clear that I dont mean anything as much as his daughter” this is how it should be. Any good parent prioritises their child over a new partner.

You don’t sound like a good fit tbh.

Edited

She's not a NEW partner.

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 04/05/2025 19:15

This isn’t about how he treats his child.
This is about how he treats you and frankly I’m not sure why you’ve stayed with this amount of red flags.
My ex was similar although nowhere near as kind to his daughter. He did ok with her but he was nasty and cruel to me, stonewalling regularly and future faking.
If he’s saying ‘you don’t mean as much as my daughter’ instead of ‘my daughter is my priority’ then he’s using his child to tell you that you’re not important to him. You really do need to leave. This won’t get better.

KilkennyCats · 04/05/2025 19:18

BeKindCrow · 04/05/2025 17:34

Thank you both for being kinder with your replies. I really did not mean to make the post seem like I want all the attention because that is not what I ever expected to have when I knew he had a daughter.

It really is just the nastiness that's associated with our arguing. He has kicked me out multiple times after I've tried to talk to him and its these things that concern me when all I want to do is make him and his daughter happy. I do see her as my own daughter at this point but our arguments make me so down about myself and he is the one that constantly compares us, I don't ever want to.

He has kicked me out multiple times
What sort of fool keeps going back?!

Original poster
BeKindCrow · 04/05/2025 19:26

Yeah I know it sounds ridiculous. Obviously there are times when he can be soo nice but it kind of feels like it's on his terms.

OP posts:
Roosch · 04/05/2025 20:41

Please don’t sell your house.
Please don’t move in with him.
Please leave him.
You don’t owe him or his daughter anything.

It’s really worrying how you’re tolerating and excusing the abuse from this man.

You are sounding very vulnerable and fragile - do you have anyone in real life to support you? Siblings, friends, parents? If not you have us - you can pm me if you like.

Original poster
BeKindCrow · 04/05/2025 21:47

Thank you, that's very kind words from you rooche. I do have family and a close friend so I can speak to them but I don't want anyone to worry or involve people in my business that's why I'm anonymous. I do have low esteem but I also see my worth. I have periods when I tell him I'm leaving but then he will talk to me and I'll stay. He does show he cares too but it's after many words of abuse and its getting to me more and more

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 04/05/2025 21:59

BeKindCrow · 04/05/2025 21:47

Thank you, that's very kind words from you rooche. I do have family and a close friend so I can speak to them but I don't want anyone to worry or involve people in my business that's why I'm anonymous. I do have low esteem but I also see my worth. I have periods when I tell him I'm leaving but then he will talk to me and I'll stay. He does show he cares too but it's after many words of abuse and its getting to me more and more

Abusive men are not horrible all the time. Look up the cycle of abuse. This is what you are experiencing and it will not get better. Please read the book I linked in my previous comment, leave, go back to your house, tell your friend and family so they can support you, block him everywhere so he can’t hoover you back in, (another thing abusers do) and seek support from women’s aid or do the freedom programme.

needtomoveon123 · 04/05/2025 21:59

He will only get worse, not better. My ex used to kick me out of his house, ignore me for days on end, would refuse to talk about things and would explode if I ever brought anything up. It took a long time for me to walk away permanently, but I finally did last Autumn. That was over 6 months ago and it still affects me (there were other negative behaviours too) but I am in such a better place now.

I used to tell people how lovely he was, I would hide the negative behaviours from them. The best thing I eventually did (other than walking away) was to talk to family and friends. They have been an amazing support.

Please see his behaviour for what it is - abusive. Don't sell your house, it won't end well for you if you do.

BlondiePortz · 04/05/2025 22:05

You are not and never will be his child you re trying to compete and you know it

Even taking the child aside you sound needy and that is very immature so maybe he is picking up on that, maybe away from MM you are not this but to me you are coming across like this

BlondiePortz · 04/05/2025 22:07

BlondiePortz · 04/05/2025 22:05

You are not and never will be his child you re trying to compete and you know it

Even taking the child aside you sound needy and that is very immature so maybe he is picking up on that, maybe away from MM you are not this but to me you are coming across like this

I read the op not the drip feeding, yes he sounds terrible so stop being needy and leave him

BigHeadBertha · 04/05/2025 22:10

I think you should take your house off the market immediately. At the very least, you need more time here before making the decision to sell your house and move into his. I'd expect things to get much worse if you did, unless something changes.

Another step that is in between getting more mixed up in this unsatisfying situation and ending it right now is couples' counseling. That will make everything more clear and might well lead to lasting improvements.

If he refuses to go, that also tells you something but then you can still be able to sort this out better if you to go counseling alone.

From what you've said, I'd rather be in my own home than his and it sounds likely he's not the one for you. Don't go where you aren't considered and valued (and only "sometimes" with shabby treatment the rest of the time isn't nearly enough). Best wishes.

AlertCat · 04/05/2025 22:11

BeKindCrow · 04/05/2025 21:47

Thank you, that's very kind words from you rooche. I do have family and a close friend so I can speak to them but I don't want anyone to worry or involve people in my business that's why I'm anonymous. I do have low esteem but I also see my worth. I have periods when I tell him I'm leaving but then he will talk to me and I'll stay. He does show he cares too but it's after many words of abuse and its getting to me more and more

The gaps between the nasty episodes will get shorter and shorter. He doesn’t like you. He is an abusive man.

please don’t sell your house. Move back into it and be single until you’re happy with your own company. Then consider if you actually want a man at all. You may find you don’t. But anyway please leave him.

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