In a relationship with a man who has a child from previous partner

[BeKindCrow]

Hey girls,

So I've been dating a man who has a child from a previous partner for over 2 years. I've never tried to come in the way of him or his daughter and never will but there are times when he makes it clear that I dont mean anything as much as his daughter. I've moved in with him and live in his house with his daughter.

He is generally good as a partner but he stonewalls me whenever I try and talk about something serious. We say I love you and everything but he just treats me so different sometimes and it shows me that he can talk about things with his daughter but not me. I try not to start a fight and try to be as open as I can whenever something does bother me, but he becomes nasty to me when I want to open up. He'll speak to her if she needs him, but if I want to discuss something he'll completely disregard my feelings. There will be small things like if she is cold he'll give her his jumper but if I'm cold he'll ignore it. I never ever expect him to put his daughter after me but he makes it a way that it's him and his daughter against me when the situation may not even be related to his daughter.

I just sometimes feel like im being used, because he obviously knows how to treat a woman nicely but not me. I always put both of them first, but he always reminds me that I'm not as important as her even if it's not related. It's starting to really get to me because I give as much as I can to them both but when I need something I'm met with dismissal.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

It’s not a childish example. He shows kindness consideration and care to his daughter but not you. It seems very obvious you want to receive the kindness and consideration he shows to his daughter and there is nothing wrong or childish about that.

seems quite clear he just doesn’t care about you, I’m sorry. The kicking you out is control and push pull to keep you around.

break the cycle, don’t sell your house and leave without a backward glance

Any parent doesn’t prioritise their own children when dating new partner is a fool.

Of course i completely agree @nobots, however it has been more towards 3 years together and I wouldn't consider myself to be new at this point

@EG94 Yeah it's more a matter of respect, showing that he can care but he choses not to with me.

Does feel like he doesn't care sometimes and I understand why you advise the rest

Just don’t do it. When this ends, doesn’t sound like he can admit fault so it will, you will half a house with him. You’ll lose your home too.

I split with my ex shared house. Nothing bad we just weren’t right, I lost my home which I adored. Luckily as circumstances allow I was able to buy alone but I would never give that up and put someone on my mortgage now. Once bitten twice shy. My home is my security and I can’t see me giving that up for any man ever.

Don’t sell your house, don’t move in with him and end the relationship. He is not going to change. He is horrible to you and treats you like rubbish. You’re better off without him!!

This is not about his daughter other than you can see he’s good to his daughter and wonder why he can’t be to you. He can, he’s choosing not to.
Of course anyone’s child should come first, however he shouldn’t be comparing yous, it’s not the same relationship. He’s comparing yous to make you feel bad, there’s no need for it. This isn’t a good guy. Not as a partner anyway (not sure he’s a good father either if he’s showing his daughter how he treats his partner).
Do not sell your house, move out and move on. You deserve better. You have put everything in and he is putting little in, and using his daughter as an excuse for this. It’s nonsense.

You don’t have to see her as your own daughter. She isn’t. He wouldn’t do the same if the shoe was on the other foot.

Let me guess, he moved you in to do the housework and cooking?

You need to end any relationship in which your partner is nasty to you. Anything else is secondary to that.

Loving his daughter and puting her first is like it should be. However if he really loved you and appreciated you then there would be no need to compare as he would have prioritise you in special way as his partner.
There is no reason for you to stay in this relationship. You deserve to be treated well and be important part of someone's life.

Jesus, do not sell your house. If he’s happy to stonewall you and kick you out when you have the OPTION of leaving him and simply moving back into yours, imagine what he’ll be like when you don’t, and you’re beholden to him?

Get out whilst you can and find someone who’s kid-free and not a tw*t so you don’t have to endure the horrors of blended families.

Everyone is giving me a bit more clarity. I am seeing how stupid I've been. Already this morning I've been blanked when I said hi. Sounds ridiculous but it happens a lot and I'm realising how mean his actions are

No one should put their partner before their child.

Go back to your own home OP and give yourself some breathing space from him.

Your relationship shouldn't be a competition with anyone.
His daughter will come first, however he needs to treat you right - if he doesn't, and can't balance the two then he may not be the partner for you? Good to find out sooner than later.
Always hold yourself to a higher standard, what would your future self thank you for - Staying or leaving?

Get shot of him. Life is short but can be so good.

I would like to emphasise how much I don't expect to be first, i just want the same amount of respect in the relationship. Like how he can clearly be nice but treats me a different way.

Well, it’s clearly not happening, so just leave.

He doesn’t like or respect you. Leave him. It won’t get better and may very well get worse.

Yeah thanks again everyone for being straight about it. I'm going to try my best to be strong about this

Honestly OP just leave. It’s not about his daughter.

You don’t feel secure in the relationship and it’s affecting your self esteem and making your focus in every interaction. Don’t get pregnant, don’t get married just leave.

no way should he be nasty when you try and address any issues.

!! if someone kicks you out more than once, you DO NOT go back.

Him ignoring you when you say hi isn't good at all. Why has got a strop with you? What would he do if you asked if he hadn't heard you as you said hi?

You’ve got your own home - you’re in a better position than most of the women in relationships with wankers.

If you’re not ready to tell him it’s over then say you’re going back to your own place to have some time on your own and use that time to stay out of contact and really think things through.

I have to say from your updates, I’m not sure you’re going to leave him - you’re tying yourself in knots trying to reason why he does what he does rather than just realising the trains don’t matter, it’s his behaviour that you need to realise is wrong

Does he expect you to do lots of the childcare and housework by any chance?
He’s shown you who he really is, kind, considerate and loving to his daughter (rightly so) and mean, spiteful and rude to you. It’s a choice he is making, I’d put money on him keeping you around as you are handy to have so that he can live his life with more freedom.
I’m sorry if that’s heard to hear, but you deserve so much more than this!

Honestly OP take a day off work pack your stuff while he’s out and go back to yours.

send him a text then block him.