Husband wants to see other people

[EagleGreen]

This is a really hard one to write but I am after some advice how to deal with this situation.

My sex drive is low and I don’t often feel like getting intimate. Also, I don’t just spontaneously feel like it, i have to get in the mood. Anyway, dh and I aren’t often intimate. Sometimes a few times a week but more often than not, it can go to once a month.

I also have some mental health issues (anxiety) and there is a lot going on in my life at the moment which is making this worse. Dh has been trying to make a concerted effort over the last week for us to be more intimate and I have been rebuffing him. This morning, he told me that we love each other but he needs physical intimacy and it is not something that is currently present in our relationship and he doesn’t want to but looks like he may have to find that element elsewhere.

I am heartbroken. I realise this is my fault and I have tried talking to him about it but he just says it shouldn’t feel like a chore, that I should want him. I’ve tried explaining that it’s not him but he is quite set.

I don’t know what to do and wonder if anyone had any advice as to how I can make him recognise that it’s not him and how I can make him realise I do want him.

Have you always had a low sex drive? Does your husband satisfy you in bed?

He’s being cruel and manipulative.

Unless this has been going on for years and you have tried to sort it out without success as a couple, he is just emotionally blackmailing you.

Even once a month isn’t sexless, especially if it is sometimes several times a week.

I would tell him that he either wants to be in a committed marriage or to get a divorce, and that is non negotiable.

right firstly this is not your fault. men and women both lose their sex drive at various times due to things like stress, menopause, illness', etc. you cannot and should not blame yourself.
your partner should be supporting you through your present difficulties ie things going on in your life. putting pressure on you for sex is wrong and you are perfectly in your rights to say no
if he goes elsewhere it will not help your mental illness' it will just make you feel like you have no self worth and esteem
he either supports you and understands what you are going through and feel or go

Just as sex shouldn’t be a chore for you, neither should it be like getting a haircut for him.

He’s married to you. He needs to work on helping you get well and rediscovering intimacy, not looking for it somewhere else.

Your mental health may improve with a different partner, I’d have a think about that.

No. It fluctuates if I’m honest. He does satisfy me. Just struggle to get going

He's made a more concerted effort for more sex equals..self serving
He hasn't made a concerted effort for you to help, understand or alleviate any of your Mh issues.

What is he like as a partner? Does he do his fair share of chores and admin? Is he otherwise loving? Has your sex drive always been low?

Once a month isn't much really, and being constantly rebuffed must hurt him. (Believe me I understand. I too was in a marriage where I rarely wanted sex, so I can empathise). Have you done anything to address the anxiety and low libido, ie visited the GP to see if your hormone levels are normal or if they can give/do anything to help your anxiety? While I feel it was cruel of your DH to hint he may go elsewhere for sex, it's isn't unreasonable for him to want a little more intimacy in the marriage. If you've always had low libido from the start, then you aren't well matched as a couple

I have thought about divorce previously but there is no way I would be able to cope financially on my own with 2 children. I earn under £30k a year as I gave up my career when the children were born to be at home with them so we didn’t have to pay excessive childcare costs and lose money.

There is a real housing shortage we live and the surrounding area where my children go to school. Social housing is practically non existent and rents are around £1500 per month.

We wouldn’t be able to survive without his income but I just don’t know how to make it work without sacrificing myself at this stage.

He can be very emotionally immature and emotionally volatile (never physically abusive) and refuses to see anything from my point of view when he gets to this stage.

Saying this, I do love him and want this to work if I can.

Sorry OP, I'm a bit confused. You say in your OP that your sex drive is low. The reason I asked is because as you say your sex drive can fluctuate and sometimes it's low because of circumstances such as exhaustion and depression.

If you've always had a healthy sex drive and it's low for some reason, then that's something that can be investigated. It could be circumstantial or medical.

I'm also wondering if you've always had a low sex drive and your husband knew this before he married you, why he suddenly isn't happy with it.

It's good that he satisfies you but you say sex is a chore. That sometimes means that he's not satisfying you.

Your options are to see your GP and see if there's a medical reason behind your low sex drive. Sometimes contraception dampens libido.

You say it takes a while to get in the mood. Therefore explain to your husband how he can get you in the mood. Work on reintroducing intimacy and romance back into your relationship.

If none of that appeals then let him go. You have mismatched sex drives and I wouldn't want an open marriage.

He’s very loving but doesn’t really share the load as far as chores and admin. My libido fluctuates tbh.

being constantly rebuffed must be awful but I do think it was cruel to say he will need to look elsewhere for intimacy.

I’ve tried talking to him about it and all he keeps saying is that we love each other and just have to accept that we will have a sexless marriage and that I just don’t like the thought of him going elsewhere.

He is threatening to find sex elsewhere, that's not a loving partner, i couldn't stay. If he says it again say OK, you go find wonder woman, I'll go find a divorce solicitor.

His first step should’ve been a sex therapist. I think it’s okay to ask for an open relationship, but an open relationship will never work if you don’t understand eachother sexually (which you clearly dont as he does not make you horny/is not good at physical connection)

I'd say do what he has done and focus on yourself. But not in a self care kind of way, in a 'my husband is becoming unreliable' kind of way. I'd be getting a job tbh. The kids are at school now so the childcare issue is less pressing (I recognise it's not that straightforward, but if you're determined and set some goals, this could be a good time to restart your career. Rebalance the relationship and give him more to do at home.

Yes it would be reasonable to go to the GP and look at your health. What contraception are you using? Maybe stop hormonal contraception (for me it kills my libido) as it might be a good idea to move to condoms anyway if he's about to start putting it about.

You're hardly likely to feel more sexual while feeling unsafe. But I do just ask if you have considered what does work for you sexually and whether he is willing to do the sex that works for both of you, or just for himself.

Sorry, I wasn’t very clear. I meant my sex drive is low recently. Over the last few years it has fluctuated. Prior to this, O would say it was probably around average.

I didn’t say it was a chore. He said it shouldn’t feel like a chore. This was in response to me admitting that I haven’t been prioritising physical intimacy between us. He always satisfies me. When we are intimate, it is wonderful. I, however, have a very busy brain and it can be difficult for me to switch this off. This means it takes a concerted effort for me to get in the mood as spontaneous intimacy is not something that happens naturally for me.

If it's been low recently then that's something that can be investigated and changes made to change that.

Again, perhaps explain to your husband how he can get you in the mood. For example, look at how you can reintroduce intimacy and romance back into your relationship.

None of this is a quick solution and if he's not prepared to work on it, then I'd consider my options.

He is trying to coerce you into having sex you currently don't want by threatening to find anther sexual partner.
Instead if trying to support you and work together to resolve your issues.
Him saturating to share the work load of your lives as far as day today admin goes would be a logical start to helping your mental health. Not jumping to threatening other sexual.partners.
You presumably took vows to have a monogamous relationship. He can't unilaterally change the goal posts and make it an open marriage.
Honestly OP is the mental.distress he us causing you worth it?
If he persists in these cruel threats you really would be better taking legal advice about divorce. Find our how you would stand financially.

Who is he planning to hook up with? He sounds very confident that he will find someone. He’s trying to coerce you so he doesn’t go elsewhere. I imagine he makes an effort round the house when he wants something from you. I don’t think there are loads of women about who would agree to this arrangement. Maybe I’m wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️

We wouldn’t be able to survive without his income but I just don’t know how to make it work without sacrificing myself at this stage

He seems to be sacrificing his happiness in order to stay with you and provide for you, he would probably leave except he knows you wouldn’t be able to survive on your wage

Absolutely this.

Maybe he should ‘sacrifice’ himself more and share some of the bloody load at home so his wife isn’t having to do everything, having also jeopardised her own career to look after their shared children.

How is he sacrificing his happiness? If he didn't want to get married or have children then he should have stayed single.

It seems as though he has a domestic servant taking care of his needs but she's knackered. Instead of addressing that he wants to shag someone else.

If they want to stay together they both need to make sacrifices, otherwise separate….that is the point?!?

I’ve got a much lower sex drive than my husband since we had our child. We are very honest with each other and he says he would never be with anyone else though. Like you I like it when we have sex I just never get the urge, well hardly ever. I do think a lot of it is mental load, and we talked about this and how if I’m worrying and have lists of jobs to do, and sometimes feel like his mother (!) then it will be harder to get in the mood. It’s a work in progress but showing he’s willing to put in the effort means I am too. He cooks a lot more now, shows me affection without expectations (!) Knows a quiet bath and a glass of wine with no interruptions will help his cause 😂 This is all without expectations though, as that would put me off too 😂 We also go for “dates” more often to give each other more attention and space to have a connection and a laugh. I read a good book called “Come as you are” which describes “accelerators “ and “brakes” and some people need a lot more accelerators to get in the mood. I do! And if there’s one brake such as an offhand comment which pees me off then any sexual thoughts immediately disappear! I don’t know if any of this is relevant but worth a think? Good luck.
(however if he is serious about sex with someone else before working on yourselves, rather than just mouthing off for attention, then maybe he should get in the bin?!)

Would he be happy for you to look elsewhere if the situation were reversed, he's assuming women are all just waiting to have sex with him. Unless he means to use sex workers.

How can it be a human beings fault?!? If you’re too tired or not in the mood there’s a reason, I wish men would understand that, it’s not them, it’s not us, something has got in the way and either that’s just the way that is that night, or if it’s regular, then it’s something that needs to be looked at TOGETHER. Because it’s very likely it’s easily fixed TOGETHER. Not all on one person. Give yourself a bit of a break op x