Husband wants to see other people

[EagleGreen]

This is a really hard one to write but I am after some advice how to deal with this situation.

My sex drive is low and I don’t often feel like getting intimate. Also, I don’t just spontaneously feel like it, i have to get in the mood. Anyway, dh and I aren’t often intimate. Sometimes a few times a week but more often than not, it can go to once a month.

I also have some mental health issues (anxiety) and there is a lot going on in my life at the moment which is making this worse. Dh has been trying to make a concerted effort over the last week for us to be more intimate and I have been rebuffing him. This morning, he told me that we love each other but he needs physical intimacy and it is not something that is currently present in our relationship and he doesn’t want to but looks like he may have to find that element elsewhere.

I am heartbroken. I realise this is my fault and I have tried talking to him about it but he just says it shouldn’t feel like a chore, that I should want him. I’ve tried explaining that it’s not him but he is quite set.

I don’t know what to do and wonder if anyone had any advice as to how I can make him recognise that it’s not him and how I can make him realise I do want him.

So what is he saying?

That he thinks you have a sexless marriage? You haven’t.

That he needs more intimacy and he’s not willing to work with you to get there? Why?

He thinks the solution to this problem is to sleep with other people? No doubt he has someone in mind.

Sex a couple times a week is normal and maybe even above average in a long term relationship. Once a month is a little low but understandable if you are going through big life events or illness. He’s being very unfair and is trying to punish you for something you can’t control.

He could have had his head turned and wants to be able to have his fun and stay married to you without being the bad guy by having an affair. Or he is feeling undesired as he is the one initiating all the time and wants to feel wanted. This is understandable but blowing his whole family up to achieve this is very short sighted.

You said you considered divorce previously. Why?

You have two options. 1. divorce and move on with your life. 2. open your marriage but make sure that you also experience the benefits.

You will find it is a lot easier for you to find commitment free sex than he will. Maybe seeing the attention you get from other men will make him see how risky this plan is.

I’ve considered divorce before due to his emotional immaturity. Arguments (which are perfectly normal in a marriage) always end with him giving me the silent treatment and looks thrown my way rather than communication.

The stalemate will only end when he feels like it. Most of the time, I end up apologising, even when I know I shouldn’t because I know he will not until I do and I just want to get it over and done with.

This doesn’t happen very often but tends to be cyclical. A big argument with silent treatment and constant apologies from me every 6 months or so. During the whole ordeal, it heightens my anxiety hence why I just want it over and done with. I do find if it’s been over 6 months, I find myself wondering when the next time will be and almost waiting for it.

I feel like I’m painting him in a really bad light. He is not a bad man. Most of the time he is very loving.

He's very loving unless he's threatening to get sex elsewhere. The silent treatment is emotional abuse.

Sounds like he’s quite insecure and needs to feel like the victim in a situation? He also probably enjoys making you chase after him. He could be doing something similar here but using a different tactic? Making you scramble to improve your sexlife to save your marriage by threatening to sleep with other women?

I would call his bluff and download tinder and start swiping in front of him!

Isn't this sexual coercion?

They both sound unhappy, neither of them is having a fulfilling relationship but don’t want to separate

I'm trying to work it out. It's looking that way.

I didn't really fancy sex with my dh so he left after having an affair. I remarried 6 years later and it's surprising how quickly your sex drive returns with a different partner.

I think he’s just speaking his truth. Women say they were blindsided and their dh never spoke about it. He is. He’s saying he loves the OP but he has needs and if the OP no longer wants that’s aspect their relationship then he will have to get it elsewhere. Or ultimately they’ll have to split I guess

Well sure. Because things can go stale with a long term partner unless effort is made on both sided to keep the fire burning. Other wise people will have to accept sexless relationships or hoping from one ti the next once things go stale

OP he is abusive and it has caused you to be anxious understandably, which has affected your libido.

Talk to Women's aid about what is going on.
Can you look to return to work?

It sounds as though there is a lack of trust and intimacy in your relationship. By intimacy I don't mean sex, I mean the talking and sharing of feelings and making plans, just touching and everyday contact.

By trust I mean if your partner is not hearing you within the relationship and meeting your emotional needs trust breaks down, and that's where you are.

Counselling either individually or together will help.

You should return to work/improve your career so you can earn better. Use a cleaning service - he pays - to get that chore out of the way.

Try and get out to the gym, or with friends once or twice a week. You need fulfilling stuff from outside your marriage, it builds a network for resilience.

@EagleGreen

He’s not a bad man. Most of the time he’s very loving

That may well be but problem is he’s only ‘loving’ on his own terms. He doesn’t do his fair share around the home and his response to the intimacy issues whilst knowing full well about your anxiety is to suggest he may need to go elsewhere. It’s like he’s responded with a threat rather than a solution involving both of you. It’s also interesting that you’ve identified a definite trend whereby any disagreements always result in prolonged silent treatment which he decides when to end after much grovelling from yourself. I dont recognise this as a promising relationship. Your best bet is to weigh up all the pros and cons that only you know and decide if separate couples counselling is worth a try or just start making plans to leave with a secret plan of action.

Well, he’s right, it shouldn’t feel like a chore. But you’re unwell and have a lot going on right now and by the sounds of it, he’s made a little bit of effort for the past week 🙄 and then declared he’s going to have to start looking elsewhere. I mean, I’m sure most people would not be turned on under those circumstances.

Look, there are times in life when we physically and emotionally aren’t able to be intimate with our partners, even if we love them and wish we could be. I’ve got cancer. I literally physically could not manage to have sex with Dh right now because of the treatment side effects. It’s been so long that I honestly could not tell you when the last time was. I hope it isn’t this way forever, but it’s how it is now for us and that’s life.

Your partner may very well find himself one day in the near or distant future with ED issues or nerve pain or prostate cancer that makes it not possible for him to have sex. It happens. Will you be running off to bone someone else? Likely not. But these things happen in long term relationships and you both need to figure out a solution, but it’s likely to be a marathon rather than a sprint. Someone who truly loves you would be there supporting you and working towards that solution.

So he's basically a jerk who doesn't make you feel safe emotionally but expects sex on tap. And he has convinced you that you're the problem.

I'd say the reason you're experiencing depression is that he is a horrible man who has ground you down and made you feel invisible and unheard amd worthless.

My guess is he has already found someone else.

You need to pick yourself up off the floor and see a solicitor. Find out your rights in case of divorce. You might well be in a better position wrt housing than you believe you are.

Get documentation of his income and the amount of the mortgage payment per month ahead of the appointment with the solicitor.

Yeah, he's saying he loves her, but he's also saying he's ready and willing to show her exactly what she means to him, in her entirety as a person, if she won't let him use her body for more frequent sexual activity.

Is that love?

He also sulks, gives her the silent treatment, doesn't welcome her opinions, and in general is a really lousy partner.

Is that love?

Hint - No.

I think after you've been with one man for a long while, the desire tends to fade away. I don't know why, maybe it's just nature - it doesn't want you to have more babies, just to look after the ones you've got. That's not much good to a man though. He still wants sex. Either way, someone's going to suffer.

Ask him how he will feel when Bob from up the road is up to his nuts in you. If he wants to fuck other people then I'd say what's good for the goose is good for the gander. While men can find it a struggle to get laid we find it much easier. If he wants to fuck about then he would absolutely find out.

Have you looked into if you'd be entitled to any benefits if you left him. Check local housing allowance in your area. Then check on a enigit comparison site. You can put in the average rent and a local postcode to give you basic idea.

He’s basically been constantly rebuffed by me recently and is hurt. I would be too.

I don’t know how to show him that I do want him

Suggest that you also get to sleep with other men. I suspect his reaction will tell you everything. He doesn't sound a great partner. However a sexless marriage isn't anything anyone has to put up with (yours doesn't sound sexless though so this does sound extreme)

I’m not commenting on the relationship or what you should do here. But a PP mentioned the book ‘Come as you are’ and I’d second that. It sounds like you feel there’s something wrong with your sex drive because you need to get in the mood first (then the sex is great), rather than spontaneously wanting sex. In fact, that’s just how libido works for a lot of people, particularly in long term relationships and particularly women. I’m mentioning this because if it’s just how your libido is, a different relationship won’t change that. You’re not broken, you’re just someone who needs to get in the mood first. So that book might be handy to understand, whether in the context of your marriage or any other relationship in the future.

One of the reasons you may not be in the mood is he doesn’t pull his weight at home and is emotionally volatile.
in your position, I’d get a job and work on an exit plan.

We’re only getting your version here, obviously. The rows followed by silent treatment sound unjustified - but are they? We simply don’t have enough details. All I can say is that living with someone with a low sex drive, when yours is healthy, is soul destroying.

It’s easy to dismiss someone’s behaviour as “silent treatment”. It might be just that. But another interpretation is that this is an expression of profound unhappiness- better retreat into yourself than other alternatives, I guess. Perhaps he feels trapped knowing that divorce is likely not possible (at least for a while) due to finances.

I haven’t read all the thread but the many messages I read are sympathetic to OP only. And yet, if any of you have been on the receiving end of rejection, day in, day out, you will know how very difficult it is.

Who decided what chores would be done by whom in the house?

As a midwife, I see many couples and some decide that they will split the responsibilities of the house in ways that I think burden one person way too much and it would never work for me and/or my partner.

I meet women who find it offensive for their male partner to do any bulk of housework or cooking, regardless of who works outside the home more. I've met a lesbian couple where one woman stayed at home (she was the pregnant person) and the other worked full-time and did everything in the house too. I strongly suspected there was some kink.dynamic involved actually but to each their own.

I've met so many families and they all do things differently and most want it to be the way it is.

Some definitely do not, but I don't think there is a way that it is meant to be and that way isn't a 50/50 split.

Psychology has a massive impact on females and how they respond to sexual cues. So first off you both need to look at this as a partnership. You are married so this isn't just one person's problem. I'd counteract his suggestion with the idea of a sex therapist. This could help you both realign what you need physically and how to get there and if he really wants sex (and not just a reason to cheat) then he'd be game to try.

Females are renowned for needing to "warm up". Most men have an instantaneous response to sexual stimuli because theirs is a mostly visual set up. Whereas females are known to respond to touch, smell, sound etc. This means that whereas a man sees boobs and wants to shag, a women sees a naked man and isn't bothered unless the bloke at the other end is kissing her neck, stroking her thigh, whispering in her ear and she doesn't have a zillion things going on in her brain etc (note: this isn't 100% accurate for everyone but there is data that shows this is more common than not)

The first "go to" for a decline in sexual activity isn't an open marriage. Open marriages require AMAZING communication and a solid foundation, otherwise they are doomed to fail. And as previous posters have mentioned many available females out there are looking for the emotional stability alongside sex so he's not going to get much unless he lies. Many men are looking for uncomplicated sex so you'd probably get a lot of offers.

The sex life in my marriage was poor. It was psychological for me as he'd almost cheated in the early days of our relationship. Everything that came next felt like I was papering over the cracks and that meant I couldn't ever really allow myself to give that vulnerable side to him as I didn't feel safe and secure.