Husband wants to see other people

[EagleGreen]

This is a really hard one to write but I am after some advice how to deal with this situation.

My sex drive is low and I don’t often feel like getting intimate. Also, I don’t just spontaneously feel like it, i have to get in the mood. Anyway, dh and I aren’t often intimate. Sometimes a few times a week but more often than not, it can go to once a month.

I also have some mental health issues (anxiety) and there is a lot going on in my life at the moment which is making this worse. Dh has been trying to make a concerted effort over the last week for us to be more intimate and I have been rebuffing him. This morning, he told me that we love each other but he needs physical intimacy and it is not something that is currently present in our relationship and he doesn’t want to but looks like he may have to find that element elsewhere.

I am heartbroken. I realise this is my fault and I have tried talking to him about it but he just says it shouldn’t feel like a chore, that I should want him. I’ve tried explaining that it’s not him but he is quite set.

I don’t know what to do and wonder if anyone had any advice as to how I can make him recognise that it’s not him and how I can make him realise I do want him.

If he isn’t happy with limited sex then he needs to look at ending the marriage, not going elsewhere. Have a look at entitled to calculator as you’d definitely qualify for help with housing / living costs with your low salary and high rents. Don’t let finance stop you divorcing if that’s the way it goes.

I do think you should go to the GP to discuss low libido if it’s 6 months plus (twice a week is perfectly normal). As someone else said contraception can lower libido. It will hurt being constantly rejected but maybe he needs to constantly stop trying when he knows you aren’t in the mood at the moment. By saying he will go elsewhere he is saying you should put up and shut up, or he goes elsewhere, which is pretty awful.

Op you sound exhausted because you are exhausted. You are working and doing the bulk of household and childcare. This is why your sex drive is so low. Your mental health is being ruined in the process.

He is also emotionally abusing you.

He needs to step up at home and with the children if he wants things to improve in the bedroom, and stop being abusive.

I would leave my husband if he threatened to see other people. That would be the end for me. There is no coming back from that in my eyes. I couldn’t trust him again.

From your posts it’s obvious that it’s him that is causing the anxiety. You’re having to walk on eggshells and coerced into sex. It’s really not a good marriage and he is being emotionally abusive. Are you able to earn more money? If you left, yes it would be horrendous at first and you’d have to move further away to a cheaper area but you might be able to claim help to pay rent and he’d have to pay maintenance for the children. You’d have peace of mind eventually.

Lord, will the handmaiding ever just stop and go away...

Sounds like a bloke.

My sex drive virtually disappeared when my children were small. I had three under five. I understand this is pretty standard, what with recovering from childbirth and endless broken sleep.

I think your husband is being really cruel to you @EagleGreen . He’s emotionally blackmailing you, in order to get more sex. Do you really want to be with this man?

Completely agree. What a selfish twat. I'm sorry, OP, but you have every right to feel heartbroken. 🙏💐

ETA: I agree with this too, from @Feelingmuchbetter :
"I would leave my husband if he threatened to see other people. That would be the end for me. There is no coming back from that in my eyes. I couldn’t trust him again."

Absolutely a bloke

There is no easy answer here, especially if you are both young. Eventually (maybe a year or two) he'll either go behind your back or he will walk. Fact is if either party has a normal to high libido and the other doesn't, it wont last. Libido is undoubtedly influenced by a complex interplay of biological factors, including hormones and neurotransmitters like dopamine, it's irrational chemical drive, so there is little point looking at this rationally. Sex is something you need even if you are tired, it's chemically driven. Best see a doctor, maybe there is some kind of medication available.