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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband can’t put our kids to bed

53 replies

Amyharkss · 02/05/2025 21:28

I need help, or to know if anyone’s ever gotten out of the other side of this

my children (3 & 1) will not go to sleep for my husband, which means I can be trying to get them to sleep for my entire night.

my 3 year old will do her usual toilet, teeth and story, which she will let my partner do sometimes, but when it comes to the actual sleep part she refuses and he ends up caving and reading more stories and getting stuck in there until I come in and say it’s time for sleep.

the 1 year old has never slept through, to get him to fall asleep every night I have to hold his hand in the cot (don’t tell me this is the problem, I’m aware it’s an issue but you would do the same just to get them to bloody sleep). He will not let my partner put him down, he just screams and screams until I come into the room.

some nights I work until 8pm, their bedtime is 7, when I come home I then have to do bedtime with them both. It just doesn’t feel fair that I’m doing it all every night, but when my husband asks to swap I just say no because I know it’s going to take longer.
he’s not very authoritative with our 3 year old and she practically walks all over him, I tell him this is the issue and when he caves over everything I say this is why she never listens to you.

how on earth do I stop this so I can share this load because it’s becoming too much and I can feel my temper rising everytime they don’t go to sleep straight away and I don’t want to become that parent

OP posts:
Tiswa · 02/05/2025 21:30

So basically you don’t like the way he is doing it with stories and take over

how Is he going to unless you leave him to do it himself which is what he wants. Yes he may not do it your way but there are other ways

Slinkyminky22 · 02/05/2025 21:30

He just needs to get on with it. Be firm, do the same thing every night and they'll soon learn.

Tiswa · 02/05/2025 21:30

And going to sleep straight away isn’t that commo

Smallmercies · 02/05/2025 21:31

This is your 2nd identical thread. Go away for the weekend and leave him to it.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/05/2025 21:31

Come home later sometimes. Let him get on with it.

Eachpeachpearprune · 02/05/2025 21:33

Go away for the weekend/out for the night. It’s because they know you’ll always go in there. You can’t do that if you’re not physically there all night. Break the habit.

onceuponacloud96 · 02/05/2025 21:40

My DC are fine with my DH in the day. I could go out all day and they would be fine. Bath time etc all fine, even stories. But when it comes to going to actual sleep, they want me. I am very child led so I've never sleep trained or anything like that. I stay with them until they're asleep. I just accept I'm their safe space and they feel they need ME to sleep. Just like they prefer DH to play. It's only for such a short time in the grand scheme of things. I feel your frustrations and feeling it's all on you. No practical advice just "I get it".

Knittedfairies2 · 02/05/2025 21:44

Just let him work it out; if you go and 'rescue' him, he's never going to find a way to put the children to bed successfully. There may be situations where you can't physically do bedtime, so he needs to find his own way.

wearyourpinkglove · 02/05/2025 21:45

You just need to agree on a routine for them, both do exactly the same routine and don't deviate. And make it clear that if daddy is doing bedtime that is it don't go in. If they keep getting out of bed to get you dad sits in a chair in the room or waits outside room and just ignores them and returns them to bed until they sleep.

Timeforsnacks · 02/05/2025 21:46

You need to make plans to not be home for three consecutive bedtimes. Tell the kids that's what's happening so they don't keep expecting you to come in the room. After three days he will be able to get them to sleep sooner than you can.

Nursery/childminders can normally get babies to sleep fast because the babies don't want to stay awake for them like they do to see their parents. The kids aren't interested in him at bedtime so if he perseveres doing the bedtime routine it will work to your advantage.
The best thing you can do for all of you is to not be there at bedtime! Embrace it

DorothyStorm · 02/05/2025 21:47

Knittedfairies2 · 02/05/2025 21:44

Just let him work it out; if you go and 'rescue' him, he's never going to find a way to put the children to bed successfully. There may be situations where you can't physically do bedtime, so he needs to find his own way.

Edited

This. Let him spend all night there.

homeedmam · 02/05/2025 21:47

You have to let go, stop taking over and let him find his own way.

If you always step in and take over, that becomes the routine.

Come home quietly, stay downstairs and watch TV with headphones on!

IDontDrinkTea · 02/05/2025 21:47

The fact that you swoop in to ‘rescue’ him means the kids have learned that if they play up, you take over. You need to leave him to do it his way. Even if it’s not the same as how you do it.

Changingplace · 02/05/2025 21:48

Let him do as many stories as he wants with your 3 year old, leave him to it!

Why are you deciding when it’s been enough then complaining about it? Just leave him to sort it.

CopperWhite · 02/05/2025 21:48

I dint think this is unusual for the one year old but your eldest is old enough to learn. Your husband will be able to do it if he has to.

pimplebum · 02/05/2025 21:51

You both need to agree a script and routine and stick to it and you need to take a walk or leave and not come back until they are asleep , do not swoop in and take over

Shleepymummy · 02/05/2025 21:56

It might take a few nights but the kids will sleep without you.
First- make a plan with your husband. Decide how he’s going to do it and what he’s going to do. be firm with him, you both want change? Then you have to change.
Maybe start with 3 year old first. Husband needs to be consistent and persistent. Stories, teeth, into bed- goodnight love you etc. husband leave the room. He then needs to continue putting her back to bed until she stays there. First night she might be up and fussing till 9,10 maybe even 11pm. But she will sleep eventually, choose a nursery day where she’s more likely to be knackered. If she stays in her room but is crying, husband can go in every 10/15 mins to say ‘it’s ok I’m here, but sleep time now’ and leave again. Keep it short but reassuring. After a few nights, it’s done. She’ll understand mummy and daddy can both do bedtime and it’s not going to change, she can’t fight sleep forever.
Meanwhile you put 1 year old to bed and when he’s asleep, go downstairs out of the way and leave husband to it with daughter if she’s still up.
Then few nights later do the same with the 1 year old, scrapping the hand holding. Or if you want to keep that, have your husband hold his hand. Again, might take hours, but he will sleep eventually. On these nights, go from work to supermarket and do food shop, take your time. Or go sit in a pub for coke and clear your emails, do some admin, text friends- whatever.
That’s the advice if you want to actually change what’s happening and just do it. Few nights of ‘Ergh this is shit’ then it’s done.
Or I can just say I get that’s really hard, I feel for you and if that’s all you need to hear right now, I get you.

LoremIpsumCici · 02/05/2025 21:57

some nights I work until 8pm, their bedtime is 7, when I come home I then have to do bedtime with them both.

I know it doesn’t feel fair, but I had the exact same thing, my kids couldn’t settle until they knew mummy was home safe and there. It’s not anything that a dad can subsitute no matter what he does. I was the breadwinner and he the SAHD then. It’s a lot after a long ass day in the office, but it is what they needed. My DH did do everything else for bedtime- baths, stories, songs and I was just hold hand and comfort. They just needed the reassurance I wasn’t still out there working but home safe with them.

Original poster
Amyharkss · 02/05/2025 21:59

Changingplace · 02/05/2025 21:48

Let him do as many stories as he wants with your 3 year old, leave him to it!

Why are you deciding when it’s been enough then complaining about it? Just leave him to sort it.

He shouts me when he’s read over 3 stories I’m not just interrupting I’m going in because he’s saying I’ll get mummy when he’s had enough

OP posts:
LoremIpsumCici · 02/05/2025 22:00

he’s not very authoritative with our 3 year old and she practically walks all over him, I tell him this is the issue and when he caves over everything I say this is why she never listens to you.

they need what they need, 3 is too young to manipulating. He’s right to not be authoritative and cold to her. She just wants reassurance that you’re both there for her.

Gattopardo · 02/05/2025 22:03

Does he have no pride or agency to the point that this is not profoundly embarrassing for him? Urgh.

You just need to go out and turn your phone off.

Plenty of men do the “nice cop, can’t handle the difficult shit” stuff, and women come in and sort it all out. Don’t be that person, for your kids as much as for yourself.

Your youngest sounds very firmly bonded to you and much less to their dad, I’d nip that in the bud ASAP by making him step up, kids like what they know. He needs to know them better, problem will be solved.

Gattopardo · 02/05/2025 22:06

LoremIpsumCici · 02/05/2025 21:57

some nights I work until 8pm, their bedtime is 7, when I come home I then have to do bedtime with them both.

I know it doesn’t feel fair, but I had the exact same thing, my kids couldn’t settle until they knew mummy was home safe and there. It’s not anything that a dad can subsitute no matter what he does. I was the breadwinner and he the SAHD then. It’s a lot after a long ass day in the office, but it is what they needed. My DH did do everything else for bedtime- baths, stories, songs and I was just hold hand and comfort. They just needed the reassurance I wasn’t still out there working but home safe with them.

Disagree with this unless you’re extended breast feeding. Kids can be perfectly comfortable with a male parent who is present, sensitive and understands the child and what they need. The issue isn’t about needing to be close to XX chromosomes but needing to be close to someone who attends to their needs.

LoremIpsumCici · 02/05/2025 22:12

Gattopardo · 02/05/2025 22:06

Disagree with this unless you’re extended breast feeding. Kids can be perfectly comfortable with a male parent who is present, sensitive and understands the child and what they need. The issue isn’t about needing to be close to XX chromosomes but needing to be close to someone who attends to their needs.

Show quote history

True, but my kids wanted to be close to both of us. Dad was not a substitute for me or vice versa. If your kid can’t differentiate then fair enough, mine could at 3

Darkambergingerlily · 02/05/2025 22:16

We were like this with only dc1. But when dc2 was born, my husband had to do the toddler. It just had to be done and we built it up from there.
now dc2 is a toddler, husband also can put our second child to bed. I agree it’s hard for baby is they are breastfed and under 1 but after that it’s fair game! My husband does silly voices to the books or his own special back strokes or girly tickles their faces as they drift off. Got to find their own vibe together

Icanttakethisanymore · 02/05/2025 22:21

Just leave him to it. He’s a grown up, he’ll manage.