Husband can’t put our kids to bed

[Amyharkss]

I need help, or to know if anyone’s ever gotten out of the other side of this

my children (3 & 1) will not go to sleep for my husband, which means I can be trying to get them to sleep for my entire night.

my 3 year old will do her usual toilet, teeth and story, which she will let my partner do sometimes, but when it comes to the actual sleep part she refuses and he ends up caving and reading more stories and getting stuck in there until I come in and say it’s time for sleep.

the 1 year old has never slept through, to get him to fall asleep every night I have to hold his hand in the cot (don’t tell me this is the problem, I’m aware it’s an issue but you would do the same just to get them to bloody sleep). He will not let my partner put him down, he just screams and screams until I come into the room.

some nights I work until 8pm, their bedtime is 7, when I come home I then have to do bedtime with them both. It just doesn’t feel fair that I’m doing it all every night, but when my husband asks to swap I just say no because I know it’s going to take longer.
he’s not very authoritative with our 3 year old and she practically walks all over him, I tell him this is the issue and when he caves over everything I say this is why she never listens to you.

how on earth do I stop this so I can share this load because it’s becoming too much and I can feel my temper rising everytime they don’t go to sleep straight away and I don’t want to become that parent

You just have to make him, leave the house at that time if necessary. It may take a few days, but you need to be consistent

Leave the house. Let you husband manage the situation by himself.

Sorry, what do you mean? Of course my kids could differentiate at 3. They could at just over one. Did you mean your comment to be snippy or is that just the way it came across?

Kids can be absolutely fine with just one caregiver at once: They don’t need and aren’t programmed to need the presence of two adult humans there at all times - that would be pretty unworkable in most cultures, economies and households worldwide unless you’re loaded and unusually present in the household 24/7.

Not can't, won't. And you won't let him.

Get far away from it. Go out, or go away for a weekend.

It is annoying. When DH goes in with DS, I’ll pass by the bedroom & they’re still going… I don’t think he knows how I do it. It’s not magic! DS would stay up chatting to me all night too, but I simply turn the light off & stop talking back, and off he nods.

Ah. So it's not can't - it's won't.

He just can't be bothered to do it, and knows he can hand over to you.

Yeah this. Stop it

Fun Bobby from Friends, dad version. Only possible for Fun Dad if he doesn’t consistently have to deal with the consequences of overtired kid after every single late night ;)

So your daughter refuses to go to sleep and walks all over him . And in comes mum to the rescue . There’s the problem right there !!! He’s a grown up . Leave him to it his way . Stay out of the room.

So he’s weak ,
What would happen if you became unwell, and to be in hospital for a few nights, and no else did bedtime ?

Sorry OP I think everyone is right - you need to go away overnight and leave him to it!

He will either keep reading stories all night or they will cry or they will go to sleep late or he will get into bed and cuddle them - but they will eventually be tired enough to sleep. Once he's done it once he can do it again and it's much easier to work with something once they are actually going to sleep.

He can. He currently isn't. It's time for you to leave them to it. I think others are right that planning a few nights in a row where you won't be there is a good place to start (go away for a weekend for example) but then for a while I would tell your DH that on your late-work days you won't come home until the two of you have texted and confirmed that the DC are asleep. He'll get the hang of it faster than you think even if him putting the kids down doesn't look exactly like you doing it. After that for nights where you're both home figure out a rotation/division of tasks between the two of you and stick to it unbendingly. Your 3 year old can understand the idea of mummy and daddy taking turns doing bedtime with them.

He shouts me when he’s read over 3 stories I’m not just interrupting I’m going in because he’s saying I’ll get mummy when he’s had enough
If I'm understanding this right then he's using getting you as a threat? Have a separate conversation about that because it's not ok for either parent to do that. No "just wait until your father gets home" no "if you don't do X I'll tell mummy." It's not ok him to cast you in the bad-guy role or vice versa. In the moment at bedtime you still need to ignore it and not go in, but I would absolutely address this habit with him as a separate issue.

Then go to a coffee shop or pub. Be out.

No, I meant if you are both at home as in one isn’t away on business, a child will
often want to say good night to both. OP is relating a situation where she comes home late and expects the 3yo to already be asleep. A 3yo is in my experience going to want to see her and do a goodnight handhold regardless of what dad has already done. This is largely due to the separation anxiety of this age group where they can’t relax when mum or dad isn’t home safe from work for the night yet.

I wasn’t implying two adults at home 24/7, how bizarre you would even think that.

Can you go on holiday for a week and leave him with the kids, that should sort it.

Did you stay overnight in hospital when you had your youngest?

This is largely due to the separation anxiety of this age group where they can’t relax when mum or dad isn’t home safe from work for the night yet.

It's not some natural need to have both parents home in order to sleep or an anxiety issue. The three-year-old has unsurprisingly learned that she can easily prolongue reading & snuggles with daddy enough to get to the time when mummy comes home and takes over... they get to delay bedtime, get extra stories, and still get the more familiar mummy bed time. Why settle for cake or ice cream when you know you can have both?

A 3yo is going to notice the routine that mum or dad is going to come home that very same night and some children out of caring and affection will want to reassure themselves that mum or dad is home and the family are all together and want to see them before going to sleep.

A 3yo isn’t some devious manipulating diva prolonging reading and snuggles just to piss off whichever parent is home first because they want cake and ice cream. You sound almost resentful and like you think this is spoiled behaviour.

The child just wants to see and have a goodnight before going to sleep. They want the reassurance the parent coming home late has come home safely because at that age the outside world is a bit scary and daunting and while they know mummy and/or daddy go to work they don’t quite comprehend what that means but knowing the whole family is home and safe makes them feel safe.

Of course the three year-old isn’t some devious manipulator. What a bizarre leap. She’s human. She likes familiar, comforting routines and she enjoys both daddy story time and mummy good nights. If she knows that’s an available option instead of only dad then why wouldn’t she want that?

My point is that’s not anxiety or insecurity or worry that her parents aren’t safe or aren’t coming home. It’s just a small human wanting to have all the positive things they know are available to them.

But three year-olds have parents for a reason and they can’t see the big picture. These toddlers need to be asleep at a reasonable time not staying up to wait on mum and them learning to happily go to bed with daddy (and daddy learning to get them down) will serve both the DC and mum better in the long run. So the parents need to acknowledge that if the three year-old can hold out for mum she will right now and intentionally form a new pattern for everyone.

Exactly.

Go away for a few days. They will muddle along together and DH will work out his own routine.
Best thing we ever did was have DH take a year off to be SAHP. It gave him confidence and DC worked out that Dad did know how to do things.
Not an option for everyone though

You’re being too controlling let him navigate the 3 year old, what’s wrong with an extra story! It’s a nice was to settle down.

as for the 1 year old just do what you need to do, it’s all fine. Stop trying to control everyone

@GravyBoatWars
My point is that’s not anxiety or insecurity or worry that her parents aren’t safe or aren’t coming home. It’s just a small human wanting to have all the positive things they know are available to them.

That isn’t what all the child development psychologists say. Seperation anxiety is most common in 18mo to 3yr olds. It often manifests especially at bed time when children are afraid to go to sleep alone, or in their own room or without one or even both parents being part of settling them for the night. The reason they want this is out of anxiety.

OP: here is a guide that may help your child’s anxiety around bedtimes
https://www.thelotuspsychologypractice.co.uk/post/aparentsguidetoovercomingseparationanxiety

Arghh so many useless drippy dads in the world. And then they complain that they’ve been emasculated by women. They’ve done it to themselves 😡 just tell him to man up!

Both him and your children have learnt if they play up enough that you will take over. Dont