I'm struggling to forgive myself for a mistake that happened years ago.

[SnappyLemur]

I have recently got engaged to my soulmate. He is the nicest most loving man I have ever met and I am so happy to have a future with him but I can't forget how I have treated him in the past and hate myself for it.
To add some context, he is my boyfriend from 21 years ago. We lived together for over seven years. My brother died and I went through a mental health crisis due to bereavement. He stood by my side and supported me throughout. One night I lost my temper with him when I had a drink and dumped him. He was heartbroken but respected my decision. Within a couple of weeks, I started seeing someone else who turned out to be manipulative and controlling once we had got married. He turned me against my ex-boyfriend and I said some really nasty things about him that were not true and tarnished his reputation at the time.
At the start of last year, I finally offloaded my abusive ex. Later in the year I met my old boyfriend by chance in the supermarket and we had a chat and I asked him to meet for a coffee. He agreed and we got on so well chatting over the coffee. We agreed to meet again and it soon became a relationship. As we grew closer, we had a heart to heart and he told me that he had been heartbroken when I dumped him and that the untrue things I had said about him had made him feel suicidal at the time. We went for counselling and things have progressed but I feel so guilty that I cannot sleep or eat properly as I hate myself for what I did. He says it doe not matter it is all in the past but I cannot get it out of my head.
I have three children who is kind to and interested in but my ex husband has recently started a campaign of indoctrination with the children so they hate my new partner. They have said some awful things to my fiancee and he just takes it but I am sure it cannot be good for his mental health.
We are planning our wedding for the Autumn but I am worried that if this continues it might not happen. The only things that my future husband has ever asked of me if that the wedding is small with just family invited. I want a big wedding and to have all our friends there but he just wants family as he feels betrayed by many of the people I want to invite and is not interested in the ones that are still also friends with my ex. The other thing he has asked it that on our wedding day I cover up a tattoo I have on my shoulder. My ex husband and I got matching tattoos and I spent a lot of time and effort designing it. He has offered to pay for it to be removed with laser treatment if that is what I want but I love it and cannot understand his issue with it.
How do I get over my guilt for the way I treated my fiancee in the past and how do I stop my ex-husband from turning my children again my fiancee? TIA

Honestly, if I were your boyfriend's best friend, I'd tell him to run a mile from you.

Can you honestly not understand him having an issue with your tattoo that matches the tattoo of your abusive ex?

Like, you really can’t grasp why he wouldn’t want that on show? At your wedding??

Wow.

You might find it easier to forgive yourself for how you mistreated your fiancé in an earlier relationship if you did some acts of kindness towards him now? A sort of restorative justice approach.

So, have the small family wedding that he wants. It’s your second wedding, but his first so you’ve had your big wedding once already.

Cover up the tattoo that is a visual tribute glorifying your abusive ex-husband that is actively estranging your children from you and your fiance. How can you not understand why it would bother your finance to have that on display at your wedding to him? I wouldn’t want to marry someone who had a love tattoo to an abusive Ex on display. It’s supposed to be a new beginning, not a walk down memory lane.

I think coming out of an abusive relationship you will have a tendency to say no to everything your finance asks as a sort of backlash to having had no control with your ex. Saying yes to his requests may be difficult for you because it may make you wonder is he trying to control me too? Shouldn’t he always want what I want? If I say no, and he agrees, then that proves he loves me and is nothing like my abusive ex.

This will end up destroying your new marriage if you keep saying no to him. Your finance shouldn’t pay the price for what your abusive ex did to you. It is normal for couples to compromise and take turns saying yes to what the other wants.

Make up your mind. You feel terrible about the way you treated him years ago, yet you want to dismiss his feelings on a tattoo matching your ex who is currently treating him badly by badmouthing him to your children.
I agree with the poster that says if they were your partners' friend, they'd tell him to run a mile.

This will end in tears, probably his but it does sound like he has a low bar and/or low self esteem

It’s not clear from your post; are you doing the small wedding? Or are you ignoring what he needs and inviting all the people who were cruel to him and who are still friends with your ex?
And can you really not understand the issue with the tattoo? Don’t remove it if you don’t want to, but cover up the matching tattoo you have with your first husband during the wedding to your second.

The guy just needs to run away from you really.

You should not get married, in fact you should not even be in a relationship with this man as you are not good for him and I would hope that someone that truly loves him , a friend or family member (not you - you don't love him, not really) can get him to see this and walk away from you.
I'm not surprised you are struggling to forgive yourself, not just for the appalling way you treated him in the past (and are continuing to do with your lack of respect for his feelings) but that you are also letting your children do exactly the same. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Let him go and take some time to work on some self reflection.

You hate yourself for how you’ve treated him but don’t really want to do the only thing he’s ever asked of you? Sorry but I agree with a pp, if I was his friend I would tell him to run.

You need to come down hard on your dc. It’s definitely not okay for them to be rude. Laser off the tattoo, it’s a tattoo that is a reminder of someone abused you.

I feel great pity for this man.

I want a big wedding and to have all our friends there but he just wants family as he feels betrayed by many of the people I want to invite and is not interested in the ones that are still also friends with my ex.

So you respect his feelings on this. Right?

The other thing he has asked it that on our wedding day I cover up a tattoo I have on my shoulder. My ex husband and I got matching tattoos and I spent a lot of time and effort designing it. He has offered to pay for it to be removed with laser treatment if that is what I want but I love it and cannot understand his issue with it.

Really? You're lacking emotional intelligence here.

Are you having us on?

Why not design a new tattoo to symbolise your new start?

You say you can't forgive yourself but are still being unkind and dismissive. Why don't you just invite your ex to the super huge, wedding, while you're at it.

This has got to be a wind up.

I agree with this. The remedy against guilt is getting into (restorative) action. Otherwise it's a disservice to everyone.

You hate yourself for how you treated him but don't understand any of his opinions?

Yeah he needs to bin you.

Well don't you sound delightful! Are you seriously going to marry a man you destroyed? He needs to run and keep running!

Actually I don't think this is true as I don't believe anyone is so dense.

I can’t believe he agreed to have coffee with you. The poor bastard has cripplingly low self esteem. I hope he has friends or family who love him and want what’s best for him and tell him to run fast away from you, run, run, never look back and invest in some decent therapy.

You shouldn’t forgive yourself. The way you have acted is revolting and you seem to still be doing it. You don’t feel bad or you’d be trying to make amends. Instead you’re wallowing in a pointless self indulgent way while continuing to make him miserable.

You’re also seriously fucking up your kids, wtf at being engaged to a man you met up with last year having only just split with your ex. You gave them a terrible dad then when you finally left him you jumped feet first in with someone new and you’re upset they’re not happy about it?!

Have a word with yourself and try staying single for a bit.

Re read your own previous thread and what you considered doing

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5305042-my-new-boyfriend-is-an-ex-from-my-past?page=2

So what’s the truth here OP?

Two posts in a couple of days with two very different weightings.

FWIW I think YOU sound entirely lacking in empathy around his very reasonable needs in the relationship.

You need to let him go and find someone willing to create a life with him that isn’t full of the ‘EX’!

The poor guy, I hope he runs for the hills

There’s one way you can get over your guilt- get some therapy to explore why you tend to be somewhat self centered in some situations and seem to have trouble seeing someone else’s point of view. This is something you need to change about yourself. It has a benefit for you as well. If you don’t grow (and god knows we all need to in some way), he may leave you at some point if you are not treating him well.

Having read this previous thread, OP, I see the situation in another light and I don't think this man is good for you. Is it possible he is punishing you for what happened between you? I'm not entirely convinced that the guilt you feel is totally coming from you and your self-reflection.

Well one of these threads is bollocks isn’t it. If you can’t pick a version and stick to it you’re not going to get any helpful advice. The previous one, which I did read, makes it even more baffling you’ve got engaged to him, your kids haven’t even met him! What a bloody mess.

How long ago did you start dating your ex again? You say later last year? So possibly less than a year but you are already planning a wedding and wondering why your 3 dc might not be his biggest fans?

On Match 30th, when the OP wrote the thread linked above, she says she’d been seeing him for six months. (She also says she didn’t marry him first time around because he was too work-focused, that he now shows no interest in her children, and doesn’t want to live in her former marital home.)

OP, bluntly. This is doomed. Your children hate him, in your other thread he’s uninterested in them, he doesn’t want to have anyone or anything from your past in his life, you can’t even agree on what kind of wedding to have or where to live, he clearly has low self-esteem, and you’re a weird combination of guilt and completely oblivious. Just end things.