I have recently got engaged to my soulmate. He is the nicest most loving man I have ever met and I am so happy to have a future with him but I can't forget how I have treated him in the past and hate myself for it.
To add some context, he is my boyfriend from 21 years ago. We lived together for over seven years. My brother died and I went through a mental health crisis due to bereavement. He stood by my side and supported me throughout. One night I lost my temper with him when I had a drink and dumped him. He was heartbroken but respected my decision. Within a couple of weeks, I started seeing someone else who turned out to be manipulative and controlling once we had got married. He turned me against my ex-boyfriend and I said some really nasty things about him that were not true and tarnished his reputation at the time.
At the start of last year, I finally offloaded my abusive ex. Later in the year I met my old boyfriend by chance in the supermarket and we had a chat and I asked him to meet for a coffee. He agreed and we got on so well chatting over the coffee. We agreed to meet again and it soon became a relationship. As we grew closer, we had a heart to heart and he told me that he had been heartbroken when I dumped him and that the untrue things I had said about him had made him feel suicidal at the time. We went for counselling and things have progressed but I feel so guilty that I cannot sleep or eat properly as I hate myself for what I did. He says it doe not matter it is all in the past but I cannot get it out of my head.
I have three children who is kind to and interested in but my ex husband has recently started a campaign of indoctrination with the children so they hate my new partner. They have said some awful things to my fiancee and he just takes it but I am sure it cannot be good for his mental health.
We are planning our wedding for the Autumn but I am worried that if this continues it might not happen. The only things that my future husband has ever asked of me if that the wedding is small with just family invited. I want a big wedding and to have all our friends there but he just wants family as he feels betrayed by many of the people I want to invite and is not interested in the ones that are still also friends with my ex. The other thing he has asked it that on our wedding day I cover up a tattoo I have on my shoulder. My ex husband and I got matching tattoos and I spent a lot of time and effort designing it. He has offered to pay for it to be removed with laser treatment if that is what I want but I love it and cannot understand his issue with it.
How do I get over my guilt for the way I treated my fiancee in the past and how do I stop my ex-husband from turning my children again my fiancee? TIA