Relationship

[ThisPoliteTaupeWasp]

I’m in a relationship, my partner moved in after being told he had to leave his property. He sad it’s my choice to have him here and if I don’t want him to he understands and will get alternative arrangements.
I said he could and he’s been here for about 3 weeks.i had explained my house is too small for everyone as i only have a 2 bed terrace and I also have a 13 year old. He has two kids one 19 and the other 13 . And all of a sudden he said can my children stay every other weekend. He said it’s my kids birthday and they are asking where they are going to stay. Bearing in mind their mother his ex wife has kept the family home so they have a big bedroom each as it’s a 3 bedroom semi detached.
then I said the younger one could stay in the Fri night after feeling terrible and guilty.
my partner said he’s missing his kids and already feels like a failure so I felt sad .
so they stayed , then he said can we convert your loft to make a bedroom , bearing in mind I have a lot of things in there which he said he would help me clear . But I still have things I want to keep. Plus it’s a tiny loft as a small terrace house . I have no money as I’ve also lost my job because my industry has folded.
im so stressed at the moment trying to make ends meet and going through the menaupause . And worry about my daughter too.
anyway I said no . I also said it’s just not going to work with 5 of us in my tiny house every other weekend.
so he said he’s going to move out and now he will have to pay full rent and bills.
im so upset and haven’t stopped crying.
then he told me his ex wife had been looking at houses for him close to her area . She’s always interfering and then he said by the way I’m going out with my mates watching football in a week’s time your not invited and I’m going to be drinking a lot so won’t be back that night and told my friend I’m staying at his.
Then he said he would be going out another time too. it hurt me so much . I was trying to explain how it makes me feel with his ex then he just cut me off . So i ended up exploding
there’s loads more to all of this . But before he moved in we had only been back together since this Christmas because he left me and went out with some one else. Then put it all over facebook how happy he was and a picture of this beautiful young woman. It hurt so bad.
so I feel like all this is too fast too soon .
he keeps reminding me he came back for me which he did after 6 months said he misses me . I’m so sad right now as I do love him but feel very emotional and upset

He was going to be a cocklodger. It’s good that he’s gone

be pleased you are not inflicting this on your own child, think of them

OP, he’s using you. He only moved in because he had to leave his property, and you’re absolutely right that it’s not going to work with five of you in your property every other weekend. He said he’s going to move out because you won’t agree (after a mere three weeks) to convert your loft for his and his children’s benefit, and to the detriment of your own DD and your possessions. He’s already left you and gone out with someone else once: I assume that didn’t work out which is why he came back. He may say he’s come back for you, but he hasn’t - he’s come back for his own convenience. He doesn’t respect you - he goes off with his mates and doesn’t hesitate to upset you. You and your DD deserve so much more than this. I know you’re unhappy, but this man is not going to change that - he wants a relationship on his terms, he’s quite prepared to trample over your boundaries and anything you want, and then behave in a hurtful manner towards you. Pull off the band aid - you’re so much better off without him. Put your DD first, and wave goodbye to this man - he’s really, really not worth it, and you will end up even more hurt than you already are if you try to continue this relationship.

What do you mean ? He’s not left yet

Well he's not looking like much of a catch to be honest.
Your first duty and priority should be towards your 13 yr old child. All of these people moving in and out of your home is really unfair on her.
Your partner suggesting his kids stay over every other week in a 2 bedroomed terrace house is ridiculous. The suggestion to convert your loft is cheeky too...Who does he think is going to cover the expense of that?

His suggestion to move out makes much more sense, he can pay his own rent and bills, and there will be room for his kids too.

It doesn't sound like he's very interested in you. Making all of these plans that don't include you, and going out with someone else last year.
All of this and he's only been back since Christmas... It looks like he uses you when it's convenient.

Where was he living prior to Christmas? Was that the property he had to move out of?
He's obviously latched onto you, to save him the hassle of looking for and paying for a new place. He's opted for a ready made set up with you. He's moved in and taken over.
Save your tears he's a cocklodger. Let him get his own place, and pay his own way.
Your daughter deserves to be treated better. All of this going on in your life, it must be affecting her. It isn't fair.

Well before the girl he met he had cheated on me for 6 months of our relationship so I lost all my confidence. I was trusting him but he drove off the other day at 1130 at night because my daughter was playing up and said maybe it’s because she’s finding it tough having someone else in the hose and he took it that I was blaming him and i wasn’t I was just trying to explain.
he said he was giving us space and quietly removed himself for 3 nights to give us space and said he slept in his van and got a cheap b and b.
so I told him I was worried and he said if I have a trust issues again it’s not going to work. He said he loves me.
so now I feel the bad person and his ex probably think I’m a complete selfish person

He’s only been living with me for 3 weeks . He had a place he was renting but the landlord issued a section 21 .

I wont dress this up into some fluffy thing, why are you doing this to your child?

Op, you say, “I said no . I also said it’s just not going to work with 5 of us in my tiny house every other weekend.
so he said he’s going to move out” - and he needs to go. What exactly is he bringing to your life, other than stress and unhappiness? You need to put your DD first and think of her needs. In all honesty, if this man hadn’t had to leave his property, would he have moved in with you? He’s making a convenience of you, and you’re letting him, to the detriment of both yourself and your daughter. He’s a cheat (and he will cheat again - leopards don’t change their spots) and somehow he’s managed to guilt you into thinking that it’s your problem because of (understandably) having trust issues. Seriously, OP, if it’s a choice of sleeping in his van or your house, what’s he going to choose? You’re letting him use you. I’m sorry but he needs to go.

He was interested in me but when I said his kids couldn’t stay every other weekend he then said he was moving out and he would have to pay for full rent etc. I feel like I’ve been blamed for it all. I’m the kindest person but I feel like it’s too much . And now he has said he’s going to be going out with his mates and I’m not invited. He had actually stopped drinking but has started again

This cheating cocklodger needs to move out.
Your priority is your own child.

That’s why I’ve said it won’t work because I’m think of my child

Yes they definitely are

Seriously are you that desperate for a man?
You need therapy to get to.the bottom of why you would allow this to happen.
I'm sorry for being blunt. He needs to.movd out NOW

He has helped me pay half my rent and wanted to save for a place with me but I’m not ready to move away as my daughter is at school here

I’ve had therapy because of everything and I’m now thinking of my child

“He had actually stopped drinking but has started again”

OP, how many red flags do you need?

Be honest OP. You said it won't work expecting him to agree that 5 people in the house is too much, not to actually leave. If you were really thinking about your child, you would consider the message you are sending to your daughter and the behaviour you are modelling. What is it that you think you are teaching your daughter?
He's cheated on you and still YOU are the one desperately begging for his attention. I doubt he 'came back for you', it's more likely that the fling ended and he knew you'd pick up the pieces.
Show your daughter what a strong, independent women looks like and end this incredibly unhealthy 'relationship'

There’s two issues here:

#1 you shouldn’t allow someone with children to move in if you’re not prepared to accept the children too

#2 he’s fucking you over and you’re watching. Let this absolute loser go. Not coming back after football? He’ll either be on something beyond drinking or he has plans with someone else. Very dodgy behaviour.

I had already said the house isn’t big enough but then I was going to have his kids here too every other weekend so now you think it’s my fault

It’s just all happened so quickly and I thought we would just see how it goes with him here first that’s all

You say to him this isn't working, you need to leave by x date

We were actually all getting on really well but I’m just stressed at the moment with no job and a tiny house . I really don’t think he would cheat on me again

Sorry but he absolutely is not remotely interested in you, not even a little bit. He will have loads of other vulnerable women on the go, you need to get tested asap, put your daughter first and accept he is a crappy man. Work on your self before getting involved with anyone else

@ThisPoliteTaupeWasp it’s your house and you have control over who moves in, so in that sense it’s your “fault”.

Either way, you need to ask him to leave and end this mess of a relationship. He’s not a good person and he’s obviously taking advantage of you.