Relationship

[ThisPoliteTaupeWasp]

I’m in a relationship, my partner moved in after being told he had to leave his property. He sad it’s my choice to have him here and if I don’t want him to he understands and will get alternative arrangements.
I said he could and he’s been here for about 3 weeks.i had explained my house is too small for everyone as i only have a 2 bed terrace and I also have a 13 year old. He has two kids one 19 and the other 13 . And all of a sudden he said can my children stay every other weekend. He said it’s my kids birthday and they are asking where they are going to stay. Bearing in mind their mother his ex wife has kept the family home so they have a big bedroom each as it’s a 3 bedroom semi detached.
then I said the younger one could stay in the Fri night after feeling terrible and guilty.
my partner said he’s missing his kids and already feels like a failure so I felt sad .
so they stayed , then he said can we convert your loft to make a bedroom , bearing in mind I have a lot of things in there which he said he would help me clear . But I still have things I want to keep. Plus it’s a tiny loft as a small terrace house . I have no money as I’ve also lost my job because my industry has folded.
im so stressed at the moment trying to make ends meet and going through the menaupause . And worry about my daughter too.
anyway I said no . I also said it’s just not going to work with 5 of us in my tiny house every other weekend.
so he said he’s going to move out and now he will have to pay full rent and bills.
im so upset and haven’t stopped crying.
then he told me his ex wife had been looking at houses for him close to her area . She’s always interfering and then he said by the way I’m going out with my mates watching football in a week’s time your not invited and I’m going to be drinking a lot so won’t be back that night and told my friend I’m staying at his.
Then he said he would be going out another time too. it hurt me so much . I was trying to explain how it makes me feel with his ex then he just cut me off . So i ended up exploding
there’s loads more to all of this . But before he moved in we had only been back together since this Christmas because he left me and went out with some one else. Then put it all over facebook how happy he was and a picture of this beautiful young woman. It hurt so bad.
so I feel like all this is too fast too soon .
he keeps reminding me he came back for me which he did after 6 months said he misses me . I’m so sad right now as I do love him but feel very emotional and upset

OP, I’m so sorry, you deserve someone to love you and this sounds very painful. As a wise friend once said to me: “Trust your head, darling, because your heart will fuck it up every time”. This guy is a complete user, so well done for not caving in to every demand and for thinking of your DD’s wellbeing. Seems pretty clear he’s going to have to go, doesn’t it?

I’m sorry but he almost certainly is cheating on you right now!!! Slept in his van??? Get real OP

You’ve allowed this mess to happen. You’ve been too accommodating and soft.

Toughen up woman and put your child first.

He’s an absolute toxic pile of you know what.

Stop being silly, you’re a grown woman who doesn’t need being pulled down by this manipulative excuse of a man.
Stop it, stop it today! 🤷‍♀️

His behaviour is vile.
You don’t move in to a small house like yours and start laying down the law.
He has cheated on you.
He drinks too much.
Going through the menopause is tough enough as well as your job loss.
Put you and your DC first it’s unfair to put them through this.
It is his job ALONE to house and feed his children. That should be HIS priority not going out and getting pissed.
By allowing this you are treating yourself badly. It won’t get better. I know it’s really hard.
It doesn’t matter about love if your good nature is being abused. He is walking all over you.
Time to rebuild your life and reclaim your life.

OP you are a nice person but there is a certain type of man who will play on your kindness and open heart and will take it, abuse it and fling it back to you. All the while you will blame yourself for it rather than blaming him. Your partner sounds like that guy.

He has cheated on you
He is guilt tripping you into taking his kids in when your property is definitely not suited to it
He is suggesting making changes to YOUR home just after three weeks
He is a potential alcoholic
He cannot stand up on his own two feet (sleeping in his car indeed!) and expects you to do things for him even though a good man knows your child should come first.

Being a single parent is hard (I am one too), it can make you feel vulnerable but you don't need this loser.

Why do you think it's your responsibility to house a man? It certainly isn't. No one falls in love as fast as a man who needs somewhere to live.

He came back to you because the other girl saw sense and kicked him out. He had nowhere else to go. He was desperate. He doesn’t love you at all OP. He is using you. He is a cheating, guilt tripping user who preys on women to provide for him and his offspring.

You really shouldn’t involve yourself with such a poor specimen of a man. And you did so well to tell him the obvious -that your two bed home wasn’t big enough to accommodate him and his family. Your home is your sanctuary for you and your child. Don’t let anybody ever come in and disrupt that home you have built for yourselves.

Let him go OP. And when he’s used up all the love and goodness in the next woman he manipulates, and he comes back to you again for convenience, just kindly say …no thanks I’m much better off without you dragging me down.

Good luck finding a new job OP. You are strong and sensible and will soon be back on your feet.

Is it normal for my partner to go watch the football get totally drunk and stay at his mates when he’s living with me at the moment ? It is about a 35 minute car journey from where’s he’s going to mine . I could give him a lift home or he could get a cab? Plus he said your not invited which is fine as I’m not into football but it’s the way he said it

What is your normal is letting yourself be treated like a doormat, you wone listen or do anything about it you will just keep of giving us examples of the crap you will put up with then move on to the next one to treat you like this, what do you really think we are going to say 'sounds like a great partner'? Really?

In the kindest way…

you sound so weak and desperate.
whats the point of posting on here when you won’t listen to pp advice?

put the best interest of your daughter first, he is clearly cheating on you and you ‘think’ he won’t cheat again.

but he’s still living with you?

No, it’s not something you should accept in any way.
It shows he relies on alcohol, spending his money on getting blotto instead of on providing a home of his own for his sons.
And, it shows he is mean spirited towards you…wanting to hurt you and punish you for daring to say no to him about the loft conversion.

He will punish you further for not letting him use you….for not letting him spoil your life and that of your own child. He wants to bring you down, using every resource you have for himself until you are fully depleted and on your knees.
That, in case you are still in any doubt, is not love. There is no love in this situation at all.

You are foolish to let this continue.

None of you can say he’s cheating on me but I have taken on board everything that has been said

Yes, it's a nnormal way to behave when he doesn't love, respect or care for you.

People will treat you with the same respect you give yourself. So get some self-respect, protect your child and ditch this cheating interloper.

Judging by his action, he's not your partner, he's a lodger, and a disrespectful one at that.

You are right.
But you can’t say he ISN'T cheating either can you…..everything points towards it. He’s not a trustworthy character from all you have said. We can only try to help you based on what you have said.

Continue to attach yourself to him if you want but it is foolish and will end in tears. Your child is being damaged by your stress and his ugly personality in her home. He is hardly a shining role model for her is he.
Why do you want to cling on to him?

You can do better than this OP.

Absolutely this. You’ve been an absolute doormat lying down so this lying cheating piece of crap can keep wiping his feet on you.

This man is a giant walking red flag and you need to prioritise your daughter and tell him to go NOW. Why shouldn't he pay rent and bills like anyone else does?

Honestly why ask for advice when every update shows you're not taking a single word onboard?

You say you've had therapy but you need to go back for more to understand why you are so desperate to please a man who has zero respect for you. Stop prioritising dick over your child and your self respect.

Why are you even entertaining this - he is using you as a place to live. Get rid of him. Then therapy or something to help you understand why you ended up feeling bad when he was treating you so terribly.

for starters you can't convert a loft into bedrooms if it's a rental - the legal implications would be huge and you wouldn't get a reference to easily rent again - actually you can't legally do it if it's your own property, fire regulations and all sorts - it can be just plain dangerous

let him get his own housing OP to house his children - this isn't your responsibility

This man sounds absolutely dreadful. WHY do you love him!? He's cheated on you, humiliated you, he's mean, he's emotionally manipulative. Just toss him out, OP. Set a better example of healthy relationships for your daughter. Do you want her to be with someone like him? She will copy what you model for her.

He isn’t interested in you. He’s interested in your house.

Talk about his ex finding him a house is just manipulative. He wants you to worry about her and is using it as a tactic to get you to capitulate into letting him stay. He’s already told you he doesn’t want to have to pay full bills, he wants a cheap roof for him and his kids.

Get him to hurry up then. You're having a lucky escape.

Don’t defend him in any way. Posters on here have picked up on his awful treatment of you.
None of his behaviour is normal.
He is treating you like utter crap.
If you want more of the same, let him stay. He will destroy whatever is left of your self esteem.
You already know he’s treating you badly.

And you can't say he isn't. Let's face it, he's done it before, so it's not too big a leap to think he'd do it again.

You're letting him take the piss out of you and you're putting him above your daughter. You need to find your strength, for her, and do better.

I despair. I honestly do.

And you have a 13 year old daughter???

There is no hope for her... if her mother is this pathetic and desperate.

This….. what are you teaching your daughter??