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Original poster

DH won’t consider getting a cleaner

86 replies

TomatoTrousers · 29/04/2025 16:40

The house isn’t cleaned regularly enough for my standards. Some things are hardly ever getting done eg floors. I want to employ a cleaner to do bathrooms, floors, skirting boards, internal windows. That would leave me with keeping up with kitchen, laundry, the usual daily stuff.
I work four days a week and DH works five. We have two young children, on my free day I have DC with me. I try to do stuff that day but can’t get round to mopping floors or internal windows as well as laundry, cooking, general tidying. Plus wanting to spend time with DC!
I have had a slight increase to my salary so want to employ a cleaner but DH has said no he doesn’t want someone in the house and the house isn’t that bad. But I think it is.
Whats the mature way to move forward with this? DH does some housework but won’t want to do more. With the kids he can’t do much more than wash up or empty dishwasher on an evening. And it’s hard at the weekend as kids want to do stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
TomatoTrousers · 30/04/2025 18:12

Pleasealexa · 30/04/2025 16:48

How about suggesting you get a cleaner for a month and see if the difference is worth it.

See if he will agree to cleaners whilst you are both there, just general areas. I suspect he will come around. It is a change of mindset, when both parents work cleaners are not a luxury but a necessity. Did his mother work?

I was thinking a trial run but he’s a negative person and would refuse to be impressed and concede it was a good idea.
His mother does absolutely everything. His father zilch zero nada.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 30/04/2025 18:23

Not the Mama!

Would he like to move back with her?

Would he clean the whole house when you're under the weather?

I had a cleaner for a while and it was a lifesaver. It really gave us some free time to spend together too.

Motheranddaughter · 30/04/2025 18:27

I would get a cleaner and he could like it or lump it
Although to be fair my DH organised our cleaner

Acinonyx2 · 30/04/2025 19:12

I was a bit anxious about having someone in the house but if you get a personal recommendation they really have too much to lose to mess you about. I have a cleaner now that also cleans for several friends. Pretty much as you suggest - kitchen, bathrooms. It's worth working just to be able to afford it. I really hate cleaning and dh isn't too keen either. I love having a cleaner!

Dweetfidilove · 30/04/2025 19:15

Don't the children go to bed? He can mop the floors and clean the windows then as he's averse to a cleaner.

MounjaroMounjaro · 30/04/2025 19:17

I can understand him not wanting someone in his personal space, but what about having a cleaner for every room except your bedroom? Then he can clean that at the weekend!

WakingUpToReality · 30/04/2025 21:56

Well I guess he’s head of the household then if he says no and that’s the end.

MattCauthon · 30/04/2025 23:44

So... he doesn't want a cleaner but also cant/won't do the cleaning?!

We had a similar issue. The difference is that dh swore HE would do the cleaning - unlike your dh. Of course, he did not do the cleaning. Its probably the closest we came to divorce in nearly 20 years.

Now we have a cleaner. And we are still married. 🤣🤣🤣

I have zero time for men like this. They don't want to do it, they don't want a cleaner... so really what they mean is that the woman must do it. In all that free time she has. Bollocks to that.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/05/2025 07:51

' His mother does absolutely everything. His father zilch zero nada.'

as I said before, he is expecting you to do it on the day you do not go out to work.
and he is expecting, like his father, not to do any...

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 01/05/2025 11:58

Get a cleaner anyway, as I can bet he won’t step up. I did the very same thing myself, years ago.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 01/05/2025 12:01

Just to add-it’s REALLY IMPORTANT-that you don’t let your DH always have the lions vote on issues where you disagree , or just leave things as they are if he disagrees with something. Over the years you’ll find that you lost quite a lot of important issues that way, and it’ll take a long time to put right. Also, for a while it can damage your self respect, as you wonder how the hell you let that happen.

Greenartywitch · 01/05/2025 12:46

What does your husband do when it comes to cleaning? does he do 50% of it?

Because if everything is down to you then you should be the one making the decision to get a cleaner if you simply can't manage everything.

Tooearlytothink · 01/05/2025 12:50

I’d be asking DH if he’s going to start doing the tasks I want the cleaner to do & if not (which I suspect will be the case), I’d be arranging the cleaner.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 01/05/2025 12:56

Just get a cleaner.

MattCauthon · 01/05/2025 13:00

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 01/05/2025 12:01

Just to add-it’s REALLY IMPORTANT-that you don’t let your DH always have the lions vote on issues where you disagree , or just leave things as they are if he disagrees with something. Over the years you’ll find that you lost quite a lot of important issues that way, and it’ll take a long time to put right. Also, for a while it can damage your self respect, as you wonder how the hell you let that happen.

So 100% agree with this. I remember a few years ago realising that DH seemed to have veto powers. So 90% of whatever was going on, he had no feelings on either way so I "got to do" whatever I wanted, but on the 10% of things he DID care about, somehow, they always meant HE got what HE wanted - there was this idea that the other 90% of the time I was getting my own way.

it took quite a lot of work to shift that dynamic. And one of the ways was, in fact, pointing out that he doesn't get automatic veto powers when he's not the one doing any of the work.

Zemu · 01/05/2025 13:02

Could you drop another day at work instead?

Strictlymad · 01/05/2025 13:08

I wouldn’t want a stranger in my house cleaning my things so I can understand you dh point. Explain to him you are unhappy with the state of the house and sit down and work out a solution you’re both happy with. It’s also normal for standards to drop a little when you have little ones but as they grow up it gets easier

letsnotIRL · 01/05/2025 13:14

We changed our routine so Saturdays are family days out and Sundays are "job" days ie, uniforms, showers, homework, cut the grass, deep clean the bathroom, do all floors and windows etc. Every Sunday we spend the day in as a family and just crack on. My oldest DS enjoys helping his other mama keep on top of the gardens and I enjoy cleaning inside. Works out well. House isn't perfect but if I try and rota the jobs so they all get done in let's say a 4 week rotation, it keeps on top of it all. Then I stay on top of daily things while DW is at work.

WakingUpToReality · 01/05/2025 13:39

Zemu · 01/05/2025 13:02

Could you drop another day at work instead?

And do more housework on that day? But why her? Why shouldn’t he drop a day at work to do the housework? Because he is male?

DaisyChain505 · 01/05/2025 13:44

DH doesn’t want a cleaner so DH should pick up more responsibilities in the house.

SJM1988 · 01/05/2025 13:45

From the sounds of it, you do the majority of the cleaning. In our house that would mean you would make the decision on if to get the cleaner or not, if it wasn't going to put a stain on the finances.

I want a cleaner but at the moment can just about keep up with it. I'm waiting for my youngest to be at school when we dont have nursery fees to pay to be able to afford it.

Maray1967 · 01/05/2025 13:54

I don’t have a cleaner, but I don’t have young Dc now and only worked 3 days a week when I did, so I can see why you might well need one.

So - I would get very petty here. I would get the cleaning done and mine and DCs’ laundry - but not his. Anything that impacts on him - not happening. Just say - I can’t manage to do it - either he does it, or you get a cleaner do you can shift your efforts.

Ph3 · 01/05/2025 14:00

@TomatoTrousers Full disclosure I only read your post and not the comments and I have a cleaner. I feel the same way as you - I am aware I have high standards and I have no interest in lowering them. My question to you is do you have any debt? The only reason I would consider not having a cleaner is if I had debt - otherwise I would go for it. I don’t know how to advise to speak to your husband except by saying in that case he will have to pick up the slack or alternatively you cut your hours so you have time to keep things clean to your standards

TheBreezeTheBreeze · 01/05/2025 14:02

I work 4 days per week and manage to clean my own floors. It's a fantastic way to remain independent, fit and slim. Unless you are worked to death or harbour aristocratic fetishes, I'd consider hiring help to do basic adult shit to be a wee bit tragic. Possibly an unpopular opinion, but like excessive car dependency, it won't be a great investment for future heart health and fitness.

MattCauthon · 01/05/2025 14:17

TheBreezeTheBreeze · 01/05/2025 14:02

I work 4 days per week and manage to clean my own floors. It's a fantastic way to remain independent, fit and slim. Unless you are worked to death or harbour aristocratic fetishes, I'd consider hiring help to do basic adult shit to be a wee bit tragic. Possibly an unpopular opinion, but like excessive car dependency, it won't be a great investment for future heart health and fitness.

So obviously you're suggesting that her husband should do this cleaning too because of course, otherwise he can't stay fit and trim too?

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