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Original poster

DH won’t consider getting a cleaner

86 replies

TomatoTrousers · 29/04/2025 16:40

The house isn’t cleaned regularly enough for my standards. Some things are hardly ever getting done eg floors. I want to employ a cleaner to do bathrooms, floors, skirting boards, internal windows. That would leave me with keeping up with kitchen, laundry, the usual daily stuff.
I work four days a week and DH works five. We have two young children, on my free day I have DC with me. I try to do stuff that day but can’t get round to mopping floors or internal windows as well as laundry, cooking, general tidying. Plus wanting to spend time with DC!
I have had a slight increase to my salary so want to employ a cleaner but DH has said no he doesn’t want someone in the house and the house isn’t that bad. But I think it is.
Whats the mature way to move forward with this? DH does some housework but won’t want to do more. With the kids he can’t do much more than wash up or empty dishwasher on an evening. And it’s hard at the weekend as kids want to do stuff.

OP posts:

suburberphobe · 29/04/2025 18:32

- I have never ever cleaned a skirting board in my entire grandma-age life!

No, me neither.

Like the Bhuddist Lama said "No one will be lying on their death bed saying "I wish I had kept a cleaner house".

Or spent more time in the office.

phinalinabeena · 29/04/2025 18:35

Who made him king? Why not hire a cleaner on your day off so that you are in the house? My sister had a cleaner for the bathroom and the kitchen. Best thing she ever spent money on she said. She increased the cleaner's hours to include dusting and hoovering.

It is also amazing how much you can get done when you don't have a child to consider. He could of course be responsible for taking the children out by himself on a weekend day and you could clean. He could make it a regular thing.

WakingUpToReality · 29/04/2025 19:03

My goodness, of course you should get a cleaner if you can afford it. You'll be so happy when the house is clean and sparkling. It's worth it. Who wants to scrub floors and windows? And they make a big difference when they're clean. What you want is important too. Either he cleans them, or he agrees to pay for it.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/04/2025 19:11

Why doesn't he want someone in the house

what has he to hide ? gold bullion / £0000's of jewellery - well surely you have a safe ? etc.

drugs - is he a drug dealer ?

multiple sex toys ? that he doesn't want seen ?

or does he actually think / believe that you should be doing the cleaning on the day he works and you don't...

BoredZelda · 29/04/2025 19:17

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 29/04/2025 18:24

Forced choice

"Hi DH,

This is them list of jobs.
Your options are

tell me a time weekly /monthly you will commit to doing them
agree we hire a cleaner.

If you dont pick one i will hire a cleaner"

This is the best way forward. You don’t have to lower your standards. There is nothing wrong with wanting a clean house and if you can afford to hire a cleaner then do it. All this “on your deathbed” bullshit is irrelevant. I can’t relax when my house isn’t clean, I have time to do it so that’s not a problem. When I didn’t have time to do it we got a cleaner.

ItsStillWork · 29/04/2025 19:22

Don’t tell him, get the cleaner to come in on the day he works and on the one you don’t.

then you can take the credit for a clean house

Blackbookofsmiles1 · 29/04/2025 19:22

Urrrrmmmm surly you was only asking out of politeness? The fact he thinks he can tell another adult how they will or won’t spend their money is a bit rich isn’t it? You’re an adult.

Go ahead and employ a cleaner.

ObliviousCoalmine · 29/04/2025 19:23

You hire a cleaner. He can fuck off.

CopperWhite · 29/04/2025 19:27

Some people are uncomfortable with the idea of strangers being in their home without them and that is perfectly reasonable. I think it would be unfair and unkind to force that on someone.

How high are your standards? There’s no reason you can’t dedicate a couple of hours at the weekend to cleaning.

Surroundedbyfools · 29/04/2025 19:34

whys it up to him if ur paying for it with ur wage increase and its ur house too ?
id hire a cleaner and not even bother telling him unless he notices which he no doubt won’t even notice !

mathanxiety · 30/04/2025 02:22

CopperWhite · 29/04/2025 19:27

Some people are uncomfortable with the idea of strangers being in their home without them and that is perfectly reasonable. I think it would be unfair and unkind to force that on someone.

How high are your standards? There’s no reason you can’t dedicate a couple of hours at the weekend to cleaning.

The cleaner could come on the OP's day off...

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 30/04/2025 06:05

EatMoreChocolate44 · 29/04/2025 18:14

We got a cleaner for 2 hours fortnightly but it tended to be more work than it was worth. It was always different people, sometimes 2 came for an hour, often they left earlier than the set time but would tell us to pay less when we brought it up but there was loads of stuff they could have cleaned to make up the time (windows, mirrors etc). They wiped surfaces (mostly around things), hoovered and mopped but again they didn't do under the sofa, under the bed etc. We had to tidy the house before they came and it was always a Sunday night trying to clean up the mountain of toys that find their way throughout the house. It took my husband and I a good hour to tidy and to be honest once that parts done it isn't that much extra work to wipe surfaces, hoover and mop. Things weren't properly cleaned either. I always had to go over the toilet again after they left. So anyway unless you get some one really good and reliable then it might be easier doing it yourself.

I have found this. I am disabled and really really need the help.
Last time mine came I was in bed after an op, two cleaners for an hour, they did 25 minutes and shouted up the stairs they were leaving.
My house is tidy by the way, I do clean when I can I just need help with certain tasks.
My first cleaner was recommended no agency involved. She used her intuition and cleaned for the full two hours she was here and it made a difference.
The agency ones just clean around things. It’s so expensive now as well.

babyproblems · 30/04/2025 06:07

He sounds like a bit of a wanker. You’re doing more than your share already. Get the cleaner and tell him it’s non negotiable unless he does XYZ. Is it a hill you’re prepared to die on? Is it about the cleaning or is it about the household split. Do you feel resentment towards him… good luck xx

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/04/2025 06:09

I wouldn't want a cleaner in the house either but the difference is that I don't refuse to clean my house.

It's your money and you're expected to do more of the cleaning so I'd just get one.

Lighteningstrikes · 30/04/2025 06:44

Don’t lower your standards that’s just ridiculous, you wouldn’t be able to anyway.

Having a good cleaner is worth its weight in gold.

Secretsquirels · 30/04/2025 06:53

Have the cleaner on a Friday morning and stay in the house so that you’re meeting his objections to strangers in the house.

Choose an individual who seems responsible and who you think he will trust once he knows them. Make sure he meets them a few times - maybe have them start before he leaves for work or something.

After a few months they’ll no longer be a stranger and you can give them a key and go out again.

Lancasterel · 30/04/2025 07:14

My DH was a bit like this at first, I think he thought his mum would judge us 🙄
But then we found some cleaners who are amazing and the house GLEAMS when they’re finished… if you can find a good cleaner, he’ll be won over, it’s amazing 😂

ArtemisiaTheArtist · 30/04/2025 11:30

When I’m on a seven shift stretch unfortunately things have to wait until I get a day off. It looks really crappy by day seven but I’m too knackered to care. Luckily there’s only two of us so it doesn’t look as bad as if a family of four plus pets are there, but I learned to lower my standards after giving birth 18.5 years ago.

EatMoreChocolate44 · 30/04/2025 16:42

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 30/04/2025 06:05

Show quote history

Yeah, I think using an agency especially when they chop and change the people makes it very inconsistent. An independent cleaner would probably be much better especially if they are their own boss.

Pleasealexa · 30/04/2025 16:48

How about suggesting you get a cleaner for a month and see if the difference is worth it.

See if he will agree to cleaners whilst you are both there, just general areas. I suspect he will come around. It is a change of mindset, when both parents work cleaners are not a luxury but a necessity. Did his mother work?

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 30/04/2025 16:56

You have increased your salary and your husband is dictating what he allows you to spend it on? I suggest you shut him down on that.

He doesn't get to dictate your money, nor refusing to do his equal share of household work. He needs to sort out a solution.

Gymbunny2025 · 30/04/2025 16:56

I used to pay for a cleaner. After about 5 years Dh decided he no longer wanted one. I said I would continue paying for one unless he did it instead… he now spends a couple of hours on the weekend cleaning the house 🤷‍♀️

obviously our house isn’t as clean as I’d like but we have young kids so it’s a compromise

TheaBrandt1 · 30/04/2025 16:59

When I set up my business after being a sahm for years Dh organised a team of cleaners. His view was I was working now so wasn’t available to do it and he wasn’t going to pick up the slack so we pay someone else to do it. Simple as that really.

TheaBrandt1 · 30/04/2025 17:01

The person vetoing the cleaner has to then do the cleaning the cleaner would have done. You can’t veto a cleaner then say “you do it” to the other person who wants a cleaner. That is outrageous!.

Original poster

TomatoTrousers · 30/04/2025 18:10

Goodness I am thrilled to have so many responses, thank you.
I haven’t phrased it well that he doesn’t want someone in the house. We have visitors and plumbers as necessary of course, but he doesn’t like the idea of having a cleaner and feels we should do it. I think paying a cleaner would make me feel less stressed about the state of the house.
yes I get people saying I should lower my standards but I don’t quite know how. I see things are unclean and my brain says “that needs cleaning”. Anyway wouldn’t it help deathbed regrets and young children if I got a cleaner, then I could forget that and focus on better things?
I tried really hard to explain to DH my reasoning last night and he said he understood my points. But no conclusion.
I wouldn’t sneak a cleaner in if he said no to one, but I also don’t think he has final say. Plus have a ring doorbell so it just wouldn’t work haha

OP posts:

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