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Original poster

He proposed a couple of years ago but doesn’t want to live together.

52 replies

feelingtotallylost · 29/04/2025 05:21

We’re engaged. He’s 67 and I’m 49. Fell madly in love for the first time for us both when we met 5yrs ago.
I have 3 teens and he has a 22yr old living with him 4 nights a week.
I want us all to live together. He’s not ready. I get it, why would he want to live with three teens?! But then why did he propose.
I feel so lost & confused with it all.

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 29/04/2025 05:23

Would all the teens want to live together?

justmeandmyselfandi · 29/04/2025 05:24

It sounds sensible to me, he loves you and wants to be with you. You can move in when the kids move out, sounds ideal. Have you seen the step-parent threads? Blending usually leads to disaster.

Original poster
feelingtotallylost · 29/04/2025 05:27

Yes. Mine do. They went through hell with the separation of me and heir father. Initially loathed my fiancé and blamed him for separating me from their father but now they really love him and now I feel my fiancé is keeping the 4 of us at arms reach from him and his 22yr old.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingtotallylost · 29/04/2025 05:35

@justmemyselfandi
i’ll have a look at that thread thank you. I just don’t understand why he proposed and not to have thought about the future.

OP posts:
justmeandmyselfandi · 29/04/2025 05:36

Just have a conversation with him? Given your both older, independent and have children it makes sense to me

justmeandmyselfandi · 29/04/2025 05:37

feelingtotallylost · 29/04/2025 05:35

@justmemyselfandi
i’ll have a look at that thread thank you. I just don’t understand why he proposed and not to have thought about the future.

Probably don't! They're always full of issues, although in fairness it's usually with younger children

Simonjt · 29/04/2025 05:38

Most people wouldn’t want to live with someone elses three teenagers, plus do any of you have a five bedroom house, as that would be needed to fit you all in.

MightAsWellBeGretel · 29/04/2025 05:39

feelingtotallylost · 29/04/2025 05:35

@justmemyselfandi
i’ll have a look at that thread thank you. I just don’t understand why he proposed and not to have thought about the future.

Because he's serious about you and making it clear you have a future.The time isn't right to move in with three teens!

BlondiePortz · 29/04/2025 05:40

feelingtotallylost · 29/04/2025 05:27

Yes. Mine do. They went through hell with the separation of me and heir father. Initially loathed my fiancé and blamed him for separating me from their father but now they really love him and now I feel my fiancé is keeping the 4 of us at arms reach from him and his 22yr old.

So would you all shacking up together help the 22yo at all?

Disappointedneighbour · 29/04/2025 05:47

I am a huge advocate of 'living apart together'. We've been brainwashed into thinking that living in the same house is what's expected and necessary in a relationship. Living apart means you get to enjoy two different house (don't lots of ppl dream of a second home?). It can also be much more healthy for the relationship as you actually get the opportunity to miss each other. This can help keep the love and passion alive and firey, especially in a long term relationship. See Ester Perel's book 'Mating in captivity'.

Living separately you get to enjoy your own personal freedom and independence far more than living together. You also don't have to deal with the bloody chores and petty squabbles of who does the washing, and why can't you pick up after yourself, and why do you keep leaving the windows open, and all that daily stuff that can slowly degrade your respect for each other over time.

You may choose to disagree but that's my little plug. I live separately to the love of my life and it's wonderful.

Spondoolie · 29/04/2025 06:01

I love living separately from my partner. We are 48 and 54 and have been together 3 years. We spend great time together and great time separately. It can be the best of both.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 29/04/2025 06:07

Disappointedneighbour · 29/04/2025 05:47

I am a huge advocate of 'living apart together'. We've been brainwashed into thinking that living in the same house is what's expected and necessary in a relationship. Living apart means you get to enjoy two different house (don't lots of ppl dream of a second home?). It can also be much more healthy for the relationship as you actually get the opportunity to miss each other. This can help keep the love and passion alive and firey, especially in a long term relationship. See Ester Perel's book 'Mating in captivity'.

Living separately you get to enjoy your own personal freedom and independence far more than living together. You also don't have to deal with the bloody chores and petty squabbles of who does the washing, and why can't you pick up after yourself, and why do you keep leaving the windows open, and all that daily stuff that can slowly degrade your respect for each other over time.

You may choose to disagree but that's my little plug. I live separately to the love of my life and it's wonderful.

God, I wish I'd thought of that!
Life would be much easier!

Mrsttcno1 · 29/04/2025 06:11

I actually really get it, especially at older ages. Not every couple lives together and when you both have children still at home I can absolutely see the benefit of holding off. He proposed because he see’s this going somewhere, but he doesn’t want to move 4 kids all in together for the sake of a relationship, I actually would say that is really sensible and practical.

CaptainFuture · 29/04/2025 06:14

How old are your teens? He's probably also seeing from perspective that his dc likely tp move out in next year or so, but dependent on age of yours, could be another 10 years before they do?

beAsensible1 · 29/04/2025 06:17

He’s right. It just going to be six adults and almost adults living together.

it’s too much headache. Just wait till they go to uni

beAsensible1 · 29/04/2025 06:19

I can imagine his 22year old is saying hell no.

Original poster
feelingtotallylost · 29/04/2025 06:24

Thank you so much for all your positive replies. I never knew my Mum and was brought up by my grandma. My father was a misogynist. I have no contact at all with family and I just want to feel like I belong somewhere & want to wake up each morning with the love of my life. I am mortgage free to about £450K and he is similar so we can afford a 5 bed house where we are (north west.)
I really appreciate you replying. Thank You.

OP posts:
PhaseFour · 29/04/2025 06:26

Similar situation here - I'm 50 and have been in a relationship for 5 years with the most wonderful man who's a few years older than me. I have three teenagers, whereas he has no DCs. He is the true love of my life, despite me being married previously.

We are both on the same page regarding living together, though - neither of us want this & I think our relationship is considerbly more harmonious because of it.

It's the perfect set up for us, but that's because it's what we both want. We make a real effort to do lovely things together & take care of each other more than my ExDH & I ever did.

We might live together when we're older but probably won't. We joke that we'll live together when we're in a nursing home, providing we're on different wings, but who knows what the future holds.

We aren't engaged either & I have no desire to marry him at present, but I have never loved or respected another man more than I do him.

orangegato · 29/04/2025 06:46

Finally a smart man. Why should teens and young adults be uprooted and forced to live together for the sake of your relationship?

Can’t you wait for them all to fly the nest? If I was one of the teens or the 22 YO I’d be thinking fuck and planning to leave asap if I had to live under the other families feet. Yuck.

orangegato · 29/04/2025 06:47

Plus have you thought about protecting inheritance? If you pool assets and he dies first his kid will be left with fuck all - and the kid will know this.

Original poster
feelingtotallylost · 29/04/2025 06:48

I chose him over my family and now I feel rejected. When I was with my ex (22yrs together & father of my kids) I cared for my elderly father and siblings. When I told father that I was separating he was so angry and told me mother had left because she was so upset that I hadn’t been born a boy.
I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and wake up each morning with the love of my life.

OP posts:
WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 29/04/2025 06:50

With that age difference I would not be giving up my house and pooling assets. You’ll be his live in carer in 10-15 years, just at the point you retire and want to enjoy more freedom. I’d maintain your independence, keep your kids lives separate and enjoy your relationship as it is.

Mrsttcno1 · 29/04/2025 07:00

It’s not about what you want Op, kindly, he is actually thinking about what is best for all the kids involved.

It’s not a fairytale and he’s totally right to not want to move essentially 6 adults in together just because you “want to wake up with the love of your life”.

pinkdelight · 29/04/2025 07:10

It sounds like you have all kinds of issues from the past that are making you feel this way, rather than being able to see it for the wise and practical decision it is for him. Have you had any therapy or counselling to help work through what’s happened in the past? It sounds like it might be helpful now so you can separate this sense of rejection from the reality of what’s going on and process everything else. The feeling of belonging you crave could come at the cost of five other people’s issues. Blending families and moving homes, with 3 teens and a 22yo mix, will not be an untainted happy feeling of belonging. There’s so much more to consider and as PPs have said, his feeling is understandable. So of yours of course as you love him and he’ll be in his 70s before it becomes a more realistic prospect, but still, this is more than an emotional decision and to take it as rejection and resent having chosen him over your family before… there’s a lot going on that needs addressing.

AboogaBooga · 29/04/2025 07:12

What you’re searching for is only available through therapy and working on yourself because what I’m reading is that you’ve had a lot of family trauma in your life and are trying to fill a void. It’s actually a damn shame because I would think with 3 kids, you would have felt like you “belong” with them, not the man that you obviously broke up your family for.