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Original poster

He proposed a couple of years ago but doesn’t want to live together.

52 replies

feelingtotallylost · 29/04/2025 05:21

We’re engaged. He’s 67 and I’m 49. Fell madly in love for the first time for us both when we met 5yrs ago.
I have 3 teens and he has a 22yr old living with him 4 nights a week.
I want us all to live together. He’s not ready. I get it, why would he want to live with three teens?! But then why did he propose.
I feel so lost & confused with it all.

OP posts:
TonerNeedsReplacing · 29/04/2025 07:15

So he was the other man and you left your exh for him? I get why you feel rejected but this doesn’t have to be the end

User5274959 · 29/04/2025 07:22

Lots of issues going on here....

But he is potentially thinking of your children, even if you're not,

The fact they've accepted him more than they used to doesn't mean that living with him would go well.

CaptainFuture · 29/04/2025 07:22

TonerNeedsReplacing · 29/04/2025 07:15

So he was the other man and you left your exh for him? I get why you feel rejected but this doesn’t have to be the end

This was my interpretation too. And likely reason why teens not accepting initially

Happyspendingthedayinthegarden · 29/04/2025 07:25

Disappointedneighbour · 29/04/2025 05:47

I am a huge advocate of 'living apart together'. We've been brainwashed into thinking that living in the same house is what's expected and necessary in a relationship. Living apart means you get to enjoy two different house (don't lots of ppl dream of a second home?). It can also be much more healthy for the relationship as you actually get the opportunity to miss each other. This can help keep the love and passion alive and firey, especially in a long term relationship. See Ester Perel's book 'Mating in captivity'.

Living separately you get to enjoy your own personal freedom and independence far more than living together. You also don't have to deal with the bloody chores and petty squabbles of who does the washing, and why can't you pick up after yourself, and why do you keep leaving the windows open, and all that daily stuff that can slowly degrade your respect for each other over time.

You may choose to disagree but that's my little plug. I live separately to the love of my life and it's wonderful.

My DH & me maintain our separate houses - we live opposite each other. We divide our time between the houses. As I WFH 2 days a week, I can work in peace while he cracks on with jobs around his house & generally does his own thing. He can watch snooker, rugby etc (yawn) without inflicting it on me . We always eat our main meals together as he does 98% of the cooking. He cleans my house & does my laundry on the days when I'm in the office. It works really well. We have the best of both worlds - we have our own spaces but spend quality time together.

Needspaceforlego · 29/04/2025 07:25

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 29/04/2025 06:50

With that age difference I would not be giving up my house and pooling assets. You’ll be his live in carer in 10-15 years, just at the point you retire and want to enjoy more freedom. I’d maintain your independence, keep your kids lives separate and enjoy your relationship as it is.

I was kind of thinking that too.

He possibly has concerns over inheritance. He's 67 with a 22 yo. And if you all move in together what happens to his son if something happens to him.

Now while we all like to think we'll live to 100 in great health very few seem to actually do.

Sassybooklover · 29/04/2025 07:30

A friend of mine bought a house with her partner, her two teenage sons and his two teenage daughters (they didn't live there full time, unlike her sons) and it was an absolute disaster. He chose not to parent his two daughters at all, whereas like most normal parents she has boundaries, rules etc for her sons. Two years later the house is sold and they now live in separate houses. Honestly if you want to live together, wait until all the children are adults and have moved out of home. Blended families can work, but equally a huge amount of the time they don't.

BangersAndGnash · 29/04/2025 07:58

In what sense did you choose him over family?

He hasn’t rejected you OP. He has said that he is in it for the long term.

You would gain the love of your life with you every night… but the reality is he would be starting his retirement with 3 teenagers also in the home every night. Whilst his Dc is surely due to leave home soon?

There are realities here.

It sounds as if it could be nearly 10 years until your youngest leaves Uni.

At what age will you retire? How old will he be then?

You have recognised your need for a tight family unit is due to your less than secure childhood… honestly I think that it is this rather than him rejecting you.

But, the realities surrounding your relationship are potentially challenging. You need to be able to talk to him about all of this together , without you feeling it’s all about rejection.

Lentilweaver · 29/04/2025 08:09

I am only 53, and I would sooner jump off a cliff than live with anyone else's children. Living with my own is tough enough sometimes.
A house with 4 kids sounds hell when you are 67.

Blackdow · 29/04/2025 08:27

You left your husband for this guy and now you want your kids to have to live with him? No. You need to wait until your kids are adult and moved out. Why should they have to live with this guy and this guy’s kid? He’s 20 years older than you too, are you ready to be his carer in the next 10 years?

PussInBin20 · 29/04/2025 09:45

If you don’t live together then you may as well stay as you are a not get married. What would be different?

Orangemintcream · 29/04/2025 09:52

I would say don’t move in or you risk becoming his live in carer. With the age difference I would have thought nurse with a purse is a possibility.

Unless you want that as your future.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 29/04/2025 10:07

How would it benefit your kids to be made to live with this man and his adult kid?
Is it wise to want to risk half of all your assets to marry this man? With such a large age gap the relationship is unlikely to be fun and easy.

Just enjoy dating and the bliss of not having some man in your house.

Pleasealexa · 29/04/2025 10:14

I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and wake up each morning with the love of my life

You are trying to heal your insecurities with an external source, it won't work long-term.

You do belong to your family so I would explore with counselling why that doesn't feel enough.

Your age gap will become more challenging in the next 10 years as assume you will still be working whereas he will be closer to 80. He is being very sensible - relationships in midlife don't follow the same pattern as those in your 20s.

beAsensible1 · 29/04/2025 10:34

feelingtotallylost · 29/04/2025 06:24

Thank you so much for all your positive replies. I never knew my Mum and was brought up by my grandma. My father was a misogynist. I have no contact at all with family and I just want to feel like I belong somewhere & want to wake up each morning with the love of my life. I am mortgage free to about £450K and he is similar so we can afford a 5 bed house where we are (north west.)
I really appreciate you replying. Thank You.

gently OP, you belong in the home and life you have built for yourself with your children.

your belonging isn't hinged on or predicated by a man you are in a relationship with. Of course love and companionship are nice and fulfilling, but you belong in YOUR life, anyone else you add is extra topping on an already baked pie.

gamerchick · 29/04/2025 10:37

I wouldn't want to live with 3 teens at that age either.

You don't have to live together. Sometimes it's better like that.

okydokethen · 29/04/2025 10:46

It sounds like a lovely setup tbh.
if it’s a loving happy relationship, enjoy your separate living arrangement and presumably it would make life easier for your teens. Nothing to stop you changing arrangement at some stage.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 29/04/2025 16:24

feelingtotallylost · 29/04/2025 06:48

I chose him over my family and now I feel rejected. When I was with my ex (22yrs together & father of my kids) I cared for my elderly father and siblings. When I told father that I was separating he was so angry and told me mother had left because she was so upset that I hadn’t been born a boy.
I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and wake up each morning with the love of my life.

I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and wake up each morning with the love of my life.

Those are two separate things.

First you have to feel like you "belong" in your own home, in your own skin, in your own life as an independent person. You belong to no-one but yourself.

Then second, you can be happy living with someone else and waking up with them each morning.

If you don't achieve the first before skipping ahead to the second, you will likely always feel insecure and vulnerable.

Original poster
feelingtotallylost · 29/04/2025 17:34

Thank you so much for all your kind and positive replies.

You’re all absolutely right, I need to feel comfortable in myself first and foremost and I don’t at the moment. Only last week did I feel ok for the first time in 2 years to sleep alone without the light on.
I have trauma from my past and have been having weekly therapy to help with this.
I think I have an irrational fear of being abandoned and I recognise that.

OP posts:
Needspaceforlego · 30/04/2025 00:36

Op I really don't think you should consider moving in with anyone.
I don't know what trauma you've faced but it's well known that people often go from one abusive situation to another.
The last thing you want to do is combine finances and houses with someone to release they are an abuser in 6mths time.

Get strong and stay strong.

worriedmum7777 · 30/04/2025 00:40

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 29/04/2025 06:50

With that age difference I would not be giving up my house and pooling assets. You’ll be his live in carer in 10-15 years, just at the point you retire and want to enjoy more freedom. I’d maintain your independence, keep your kids lives separate and enjoy your relationship as it is.

This x100

Hereweka · 30/04/2025 00:45

Sounds marvelous to me! I have recently married, have a teen, and we will stay in our own houses until my teen is grown and flown. In the meantime we visit and have the committment that one day not too far away, we will live together.

Mrsbloggz · 30/04/2025 00:51

I can't see that not living together has to be an issue if it suits you both OP, but I do wonder if being married would be the best idea?
I feel like there should be some other form of commitment more suited to your situation- if you see what I mean!

2JFDIYOLO · 30/04/2025 01:32

My dad was 18 years older than mum and their relationship was lovely. The age difference was never an issue. But they were both much younger than the two of you when they got together.

He seems to be in a good place - independence, his own home, a nice part time 1-1 relationship with his own adult DC.

I'm in my 60s and the thought of suddenly going to live with three teens 24/7 ... God no. Seems like he is aware of how they struggled and the trauma you are still dealing with and is giving them and you space.

When they've left home, and you're in a better place, maybe look at it again.

I think he's right.

Also in a very few years you may find yourself as a carer for a much older man and that might not be quite what you anticipated.

BangersAndGnash · 01/05/2025 09:01

That sounds really hard OP, and I am sorry you are battling past trauma.

It’s tricky because much as you undoubtedly love each other you have different realities to juggle.

Moving in together / getting married is fraught if it is because you fear to be alone.

Also, to be truthful, in his situation I would be cautious / thoughtful about actually marrying or what that meant for my Dc.

Whereas you run the risk of retirement with someone much less energetic than yourself, he is in the position of contemplating dying maybe 20 years before you, and running the risk of seeing is Ds receive no inheritance, or else leaving you, his loved wife, vulnerable.

All this can be sorted, you just have a few challenges to take account of.

Are you confident that he talks openly and honestly with you about all these factors…. Teens, money, age difference, your trauma, anything affecting him, retirement plans, home ownership, Wills, how you each express commitment, importance of marriage… anything and everything?

Rklap · 01/05/2025 09:11

I’d be very, very careful here.

blending can be messy. Inheritance can get messy. Sounds like between you, you’d have in the region of a million pounds in assets, perhaps more.

he’s way older than you and may have health issues soon that really could clip your wings. I’d be very careful about moving in with him and would probably avoid it.

perhaps he doesn’t want to live with 3 teens when he has one older, adult dc. If that’s the case, he’s not as into you as you are into him perhaps. I would focus the majority of your energy on yourself and your dc. He is a “nice to have” rather than your top priority - he has shown that this is what you are to him so don’t over invest in him.