How Should I Handle This Situation Between My Girlfriend and a Close Friend?

[ronshark39]

Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some advice on a difficult situation that recently happened between my girlfriend and one of my close friends.
We had organized a barbecue with friends and family. My gf was very excited for my friend to come — she had invited her, picked her up from the tram station, and tried hard over the past weeks to build a connection by sending her updates and staying in touch. They never really seen each other so this was a first time meet between a very close friend and my gf of a couple of months.
At the barbecue, however, my friend was glued to a conversation with another guest and did not interact at all with my gf. She sat turned away from her and didn’t make any effort to include her in conversations. They talked with no end in sight with each other. My gf ended up feeling very left out and hurt.
Afterward, I tried to explain this to my friend. She said she didn’t notice anything wrong and that she’s not the type of person who "takes others by the hand" socially — she expects people to involve themselves. She also commented that my gf came across as "childish" because she became visibly sad and quiet when feeling left out.

In my opinion, my gf had really tried to make my friend feel comfortable, and in that situation, it would have been very hard for her to insert herself in my friend's conversation and ask for attention when my friend was physically turned away and nonstop talking to that other guest.
I also believe that even if my friend didn't intend to be hurtful, a little more kindness or effort would have made a big difference.
I’m not angry at anyone, but I feel stuck between two people who are both important to me.

My girlfriend feels very disappointed that my friend doesn't seem to acknowledge how she felt and even calls her childish.
My friend, on the other hand, feels like she is being unfairly blamed even though she believes she didn’t do anything wrong. (my friend never said that she is at fault only that she felt excluded)

At the moment, I’m keeping a bit more distance from my friend out of respect for my gf's feelings, but I don't want to create bigger conflicts either.

How would you handle this?

It sounds as though your friend might be jealous of/resent your gf.

Surely there were other people at the event? Why didn't your gf move and try to talk to other people?

Your friend's a disrespectful bitch.

Your GF went out of her way for her and your friend fucking deliberately ignored her.

If I was your gf and you stayed friends with that bitch after she pulled that stunt, I'd dump you.

Your 'friend' really really doesn't like your girlfriend does she? Not one tiny little bit.

@Maitri108 the other people were only my parents and my gf already talked with them a lot. She especially wanted to talk with my close friend because she knew that she was my close friend. She did not even want her to talk a lot, just the common curtesy, how you would treat the new girlfriend of your close friend

Your friend is very bad mannered.

It seems your GF had built up some scenario of your friend being her new best mate, and is disappointed it didn't pan out?

Why was she doing all the contacting and updating (how much updating could there need to be?!) of someone she's never met? Why weren't you doing it?

Objectively, did your friend ignore your GF? Or did she just naturally interact with people she actually knew?

Your friend was a guest at your home. Guest should always go out of their way to be polite to hosts, and other way around. It sounds like your gf did go out of her way to be polite to your friend and she repaid her w disrespect. Even if this was in a third location like at someone else’s house or night out, your friend’s behavior would be rude. At your own house, that’s unforgivable.

If I was the friend I think I'd find your girlfriends actions a bit suffocating especially if I'd never really met her before (at all? It's not clear) a d she was sending me updates by text. If your friend was picked up from the station presumably she'd not very local, were the other guests people she's met before/long term friends of hers. Your girlfriend could have interjected by offering a drink or more food or asking a question even if it was "don't you think RonShark39 is a great BBQ cook" or something. Did you get involved at all in the conversation. It sounds a slightly odd group of guests to have at one event. Was it just you, your parents, your fairly new girlfriend and best/close friend. I'm not sure it's the old friend that's an issue, has your girlfriend made such an effort with any other good friends or just this one who happens to be a woman?

Is your friend the only girl in the friendship group? She sounds like she’s being a little unkind about your girlfriend.

It's just that your description makes out that she just sat there all night while your friend had her back to her. I would have moved and spoken to other people if someone did that to me.

It's difficult to know if this was deliberate but you know your friend best.

it was just sometimes. She just sometimes send her what we were up to. I moved to another city and my close friend was missing me and my gf wanted to make her be part of our life a little bit. It wasnt all the time but sometimes. I of course also contacted my friend. My gf did not want to be best friends. she just wanted to have a normal conversation but that did not work and she felt left out. the problem is how my close friend never even attempted to talk to her and at the same time was very occupied and made it hard for my gf to talk to her. My gf is very outgoing and not that shy, she would've tried to talk to my close friend if it was possible. That is why I was disappointed that my close friend did not do anything.

Sounds like your friend is either jealous of your gf or just selfish. If you’re serious about your relationship take distance to this friend and make your priorities clear to her. A good friend is welcoming of a friends partner, regardless how they feel themselves.

To clarify: my close friend had met my girlfriend briefly before, but they didn’t know each other well yet. My girlfriend made the extra effort because she knew my close friend also met my family for the first time on such an occasion(dont ask me why) wanted her to feel welcome.
Yes, there were also other people there (parents, the girl my close friend talked to, which my close friend did not know as well), not just close friends.
I did try to join conversations, but it wasn’t easy because my close friend and the other friend talked very closely the whole time.
I agree my girlfriend could have tried a bit more to jump in, but the situation was really tough to even try to jump in.

she didn't just sit passively — she did try at first, like helping with food and small talk with my parents or talking with me (while my close friend and the other girl talked)
But after a while, when she kept being left out, she got discouraged.
I don't think it was deliberate from my friend, just a mismatch in expectations and social styles.

Basically your friend doesn’t want your gf to have access or transparency to the friendship you and she have. She does not want to ‘all be friends’.

Your friend is jealous of your gf, she wants to be the centre of your attention so she turned her back and deliberately made sure your gf felt excluded.

That makes it a bit clearer. You friend ignored her all night and didn't speak to anyone else either, just this woman. It sounds like she treated everyone the same and had a very intense conversation with one person.

In that case, it doesn't sound personal.

It was absolutely deliberate.

yes she only talked with that one person. I also think it is not personal. After I told her that it hurt my gf, she unfortunately did not answer appologetically and just said that she does not want to "have to hold anyones hand" in social situations, which I get. But I think it is common curtesy to talk to my girlfriend especially when she is my new girlfriend and they never really talked.

What were you doing during all this? Did you notice this was going on, or do you think your girlfriend was exaggerating? Did you make any effort to have a group chat with both of them?

Do you think your friend was being rude or do you think your girlfriend was being overly sensitive?

Not everyone has to be best friends. I like my partner’s friends, but I don’t feel the need to be great friends with them. I’ll chat at weddings, occasional nights out, but wouldn’t join for a night out just the three of us. It’s normal to have nights out with friends when you have a partner, and healthy.

Even if they were a new friend and an old friend (not a girlfriend), it could be a stilted conversation. You have history with old friends, experiences, in jokes. You have different experiences and interests with new friends. It doesn’t always work and can be boring for the other person. Some people are good at making small talk, but some aren’t. You can’t force people to be friends for your benefit, but equally there is no need to be rude.

What is your history with the friend, OP?

It would have been nice of her to talk to you and your family as well, just to be sociable. I think your gf is taking it too personally and should let it go.

I did notice what was happening and tried to involve both sides in small group conversations, but it wasn’t very easy because my close friend and the other friend were really locked into their own talk.
I don’t think my girlfriend exaggerated because it really looked from the outside like they were not trying to have convversations with other people. Since those 3 (my gf, my close friend and the girl she talked to) were the only young girls, I can imagine that my gf felt even more left out. I talked with my gf all the time in the meantime
I also don’t think my close friend was intentionally rude.

I completely agree that you can’t force friendships, and I don't expect them to become best friends. It’s just that a little more openness would have helped avoid hurt feelings.

I also don’t think my close friend was intentionally rude.

I wouldn’t be too sure about that.