How Should I Handle This Situation Between My Girlfriend and a Close Friend?

[ronshark39]

Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some advice on a difficult situation that recently happened between my girlfriend and one of my close friends.
We had organized a barbecue with friends and family. My gf was very excited for my friend to come — she had invited her, picked her up from the tram station, and tried hard over the past weeks to build a connection by sending her updates and staying in touch. They never really seen each other so this was a first time meet between a very close friend and my gf of a couple of months.
At the barbecue, however, my friend was glued to a conversation with another guest and did not interact at all with my gf. She sat turned away from her and didn’t make any effort to include her in conversations. They talked with no end in sight with each other. My gf ended up feeling very left out and hurt.
Afterward, I tried to explain this to my friend. She said she didn’t notice anything wrong and that she’s not the type of person who "takes others by the hand" socially — she expects people to involve themselves. She also commented that my gf came across as "childish" because she became visibly sad and quiet when feeling left out.

In my opinion, my gf had really tried to make my friend feel comfortable, and in that situation, it would have been very hard for her to insert herself in my friend's conversation and ask for attention when my friend was physically turned away and nonstop talking to that other guest.
I also believe that even if my friend didn't intend to be hurtful, a little more kindness or effort would have made a big difference.
I’m not angry at anyone, but I feel stuck between two people who are both important to me.

My girlfriend feels very disappointed that my friend doesn't seem to acknowledge how she felt and even calls her childish.
My friend, on the other hand, feels like she is being unfairly blamed even though she believes she didn’t do anything wrong. (my friend never said that she is at fault only that she felt excluded)

At the moment, I’m keeping a bit more distance from my friend out of respect for my gf's feelings, but I don't want to create bigger conflicts either.

How would you handle this?

Your close friend is not much of a friend, IMO.

For her to blank your g/f when your g/f had gone out of her way to try and get to know her indicates to me that your close friend is jealous of your relationship, for whatever reason.

Maybe she feels the relationship takes time away from your friendship with her, or she has feelings for you, or it could even be competitive jealousy- she resents that you're happy when she herself might not be.

Regardless, her reaction to your g/f seems deliberate and she exacerbates it by calling her childish rather than taking any accountability for her own rudeness.

She doesn't have to be besties with your new g/f but as someone who is supposed to care for you, your close friend should make basic polite effort with her - because of you.

Unless something happened already to cause a problem between the two (and that doesn't appear to be the case here) I'd be rethinking the friendship, personally.

I don't think it was deliberate from my friend, just a mismatch in expectations and social styles

Well...your friend knew that your g/f was making an effort to connect with her and get to know her a bit prior to this gathering. It's obvious she would want to chat a little in person as well...so unless your friend is particularly obtuse, blanking her all evening seems quite intentional

I think it’s weird that your girlfriend who has never met this person, has taken it upon herself to keep your friend updated about your life. I would be bloody uncomfortable with that- you’re my friend. I’d find it quite controlling to be honest. Your girlfriend then visibly sulked (went quiet and drawing attention to yourself is a sulk) when she didn’t get the in person attention she wanted. Maybe your friend was juts uncomfortable? I would be. And a social setting where your friend knows everyone probably isn’t the best intro- maybe try the three of you having a coffee if your girlfriend wants that much interaction?

I would also like to know this .

People are referring to you and your new girlfriend as the ‘hosts’ of this barbecue and saying your friend owed her the politeness you owe to anyone hosting you — but is this true? Do you live together? It seems a little hard to compute, as you also refer to her as ‘new’ and refer to a recent house move to a new city. How ‘new’ is she?

I ask because as a longterm friend I’ve seen so many girlfriends and boyfriends come and go in my friends’ lives (and we’re also now well into the first post-divorce relationships for some) and honestly, while my initial impulse is naturally to be friendly to them as a new person in a good friend’s life who is (hopefully) making them happy, sometimes I’ve spent an entire event getting to know them or focusing on them, only to have the relationship end and I literally never see them again. So now I’m much more circumspect. DH spent a weekend away absolutely looking after the new girlfriend of a mutual friend when the friend couldn’t travel at the last minute but the girlfriend decided to use her ticket anyway, and that relationship was over within a week or two. We never saw her again.

Long story short — nowadays, I’m much more circumspect about investing in friends’ new squeezes beyond basic politeness.

Its best to let friendships develop naturally over time and it seemed like this was being forced by your girlfriend and perhaps this made your friend back off. It sounds like a mismatch of expectation. I really don't know why your girlfriend would send your friend photos an updates of what you are doing. It's like she's inserting herself between you and your friend.

no the three of us met one time before for about an hour to eat some ice cream and they were getting along. It was a brief meeting but it was fine. my girlfriend just uodatet her from time to time and my close friend really enjoyed, that she did that. I just think it would have been more emotionally mature to have the common curtesy to talk to her just once, I was not blaming her that she did it deliberately but her reactions were disappointing to me, because she is not talking an ounce of responsibility upon herself or does not show even a little bit of understanding

my close friend is just a friend from school, who I respect and like. We know each other for about 9 years. That is why I am disappointed, because she couldn't at least make my first gf feel welcome by for example sitting in a manner where my gf would feel included

I completely understand your point. this is my first girlfriend and I would have liked it when my friend would have at least gave my girlfriend a chance to join in into the conversation (with sitting more openly). Nobody was expection her to talk all night with my gf, just a brief friendly talk. It was at my parents home and my girlfriend does not live in the same city, but she came along for this evening.

I thinkso too. My girlfriend did not want to develop a big and intense friendship (not everyone has to like everyone that much). It was just a friendly sunday bbq, but from the outside it seemed like my close friend ignored my girlfriend( which she didnt do intentionally). I would've liked some sort of accountability or something in that regard. But my close friend does not see anything she could've done differently, which disappoints me.

She's your friend not your girlfriends friend and she obviously doesn't want to be best pals with your g/f. We can't guess why but could be jealousy?
Was this girl she was chatting too an old school friend or acquaintance of hers? If so your old friend was probably enjoying a catch up that wouldn't have been relevant to your G/f. It was rude of her to blank your g/ f but in doing so she's showed you her true feelings. I would suggest your g/f ceases contact with the old friend and you continue with reduced contact too.

Your friend was a bit of a bitch and your gf is too nice. I’d not mix the 2 again. So you’ll see considerably less of the friend and know that she’s not particularly polite and won’t ever “make nice”.

Playground antics. How very childish.

Your girlfriend is a drip and could have easily entered the conversation or simply mingled with everyone else as the hostess usually does.

I wonder if the sitting there looking pathetic was a childish ploy to evoke sympathy which failed miserably because other guests acted like adults and ignored her.

The guest, your friend was rude by using the occasion as one long catch up with a specific person. I notice the other person wasn't singled
out for any blame even though they were doing the same as your other friend!

Why could you make an effort to bring them together?

@ronshark39 who was the other girl that your close friend was talking to all night? A friend of yours, a friend of your girlfriend or another family member?

The other girl was my brothers girlfriend and they also don’t really know each other. I understand that they really got along great and that is fine and good, but she could have out of respect to me, also had a small chat with my gf or just acknowledge her.

If your old friend hadn't previously met your brothers g/f but was then locked in one to one conversation with her that was quite strange. However your brothers g/f could also have included your girlfriend in the chat as l imagine she knows her.

Are you all really young?

Yes, I agree. Performative moping is very juvenile and tiresome. And it’s your job, OP, as the only one present who knows everyone, to break the ice and get people engaging with one another. Sure your friend could have talked more to her (as presumably, could all of the other guests, whom you don’t seem to see as culpable), but maybe she got irritated by the ‘visibly sad and quiet’ thing.

And honestly, I don’t know how old you all are, but I’m assuming very young, plus you say she’s your first girlfriend, and that you’ve only been together two months — it’s possible your friend tho is she’s unlikely to meet your girlfriend again, and isn’t going to invest.

Thanks for your input. I see your point about breaking the ice — I agree that I could’ve done more in the moment, I tried but it wasnt easy as they were talking almost non stop with each other. I don’t blame anyone for not becoming instant friends, and I understand not everyone wants to invest in a new connection right away. Also we 4 were the only young people, zhe other people were my parents and 2 other adult (with whom my girlfriend already talked a lot)

However, my girlfriend did make an effort (picking her up, trying to include her), and it hurt her to feel overlooked. It wasn’t about wanting attention, but about feeling shut out — and I think that’s something worth acknowledging. The sadness wasn’t a performance, it was genuine disappointment and it was not immediately, only after she didnt acknowledge her for most of the day. I just hoped for a bit more empathy on both sides.

But, bluntly being ‘visibly sad and quiet’ because someone you’ve never met doesn’t want to talk to you at a barbecue is a bit pathetic. She wasn’t there alone with strangers. She had you, and your parents. And presumably you all talked to her, as well as the two other ‘adults’ you say she talked a lot with. Far more people engaged with her than didn’t, and those two didn’t because they were talking largely with one another. I’m not suggesting she was pretending for a moment, only that she needs to work on her social resilience.

You have only been with your girlfriend about 8 weeks. She does sound a bit needy and over involved.

Yes social resilience is a good skill to have. For me the problem lies within the one-sided effort. My close friend told me she did not kbow how to talk to my gf and that she didn’t ask for her to make that effort, which I also get. But when I only ask for common curtesy, I find it insensitive to be this „logical“. Sure nobody owes anyone anything, but as a group of friends I think being sensitive and kind to each other should be a given.That is also what I then told my close friend, that I hope next time would be different and I was a little bit disappointed in her.

Maybe I mistyped but we are together half a year now

It was the girlfriend of my brother, whom she also doesnt know.

But where were you in the middle of all this? If there were only eight people at this barbecue, who were you talking to? Wouldn’t it have been easier to engage your girlfriend and your friend in a three-way conversation, if you were really invested in them talking and getting to know one another?