DS being cruel to DGD

[UnhappyNana]

I live in U.K., my son lives in NZ.
We had a silly row over the ‘phone in 2009; the sort you think “how did that happen ?” I tried to make peace several times, but he didn’t want to know.

In 2014, he told my brother that he’d had a daughter with his partner; DB told me, but DS still didn’t want to know me. It was upsetting, but there was nothing I could do.
In Dec 2024, I got a text message out of the blue from DS. My 10 year-old DGD had apparently been nagging her Dad about getting in touch as she wanted to get to know me.
DS & I e-mailed regularly after that.He sent pics, told me about DGD, & then DGD & I started e-mailing using DS’s account.

It might sound a bit silly, but I fell in love with her. Nagging/persuading her Dad to get in touch with her DGM ! A peacemaker at 10 years old.

Anyway, DS wanted to use whatsapp, but I never agreed to it. He persisted, & I told him that I had arthritis in my hands that makes using a small keyboard or touch-screen difficult, slow, & full of typos.And also I’ve gone deaf, & avoid using the ‘phone as I cannot hear or understand very well.
He has stopped her using his e-mail account, but refuses to set up a separate account for her because ”she’s a child”. But she must have a ‘phone if he wanted us to use whatsapp, so why the reluctance for e-mail?
I suggested he set up an account for her on his computer & monitored it closely.
He hasn’t responded to my recent e-mails.
DGD thinks that Nana doesn’t want to talk to her, & is very upset. I don’t know what DS has said to her, but I doubt it’s accurate.
DGD splits her time between her parents, who have separated but live quite close to each other. I have no contact with her Mum, & doubt she would help as she was compliant in NC. My DB died, so he can’t intercede.

I’m so unhappy, & don’t know what I can do.My DS is being so cruel to his daughter.Her maternal GM died before she was born, maternal GF isn’t interested, she has one aunt who lives very far away.
So, she’s basically just got 2 parents who hate each other & no other relatives in contact.

I know the name of her school, & could in theory e-mail them, but I’m not sure if that would be a good idea. Or if they could or would actually do anything.I could include a letter to DGD to tell her that Nana loves her & ask the school to pass it on.

WWYD ?

I would try and use WhatsApp. However difficult it may be

then in a few years she will be old enough to set up her own email

What's app has voice note so no typing required

Once you have a Whatsapp account opened (get someone else to do it for you) you can use Whatsapp on a laptop. Search for Whatsapp Web

You can dictate into WhatsApp. No need for typing. Set up WA and bypass your son.

Yes, I’m afraid I would’ve persevered with WhatsApp. For future reference you can have it on your laptop by the way.

Im so sorry you’re in this situation op. It sounds so painful.

WhatsApp can also be used on your laptop. You do realise that don't you?

Use wattsapp and use the speaker to type text. Her ring u and u say u are hard of hearing but how amazing it is seeing her xx

It seems unnecessarily difficult for you to “refuse” to use WhatsApp and push for an email for the granddaughter given your huge falling out that led to you not speaking to your son for 15 years.

If you use WhatsApp you can then start to video call too.

You can also send voice notes too rather than typing.

Also maybe you could look into whether WhatsApp or your phone has any dictation/speech to text accessable settings where you speak and it types it?

This is all very sad and I hope for your granddaughters sake you manage to resolve it soon.
No decent school will get involved or pass on anything to a child without parental permission.
Is there no one who could help you use WhatsApp?

I think you're massively overreacting and projecting, and probably need to learn what cruelty actually is.

Why on earth would you consider emailing the school? They'd think you were batshit.

Learn to use WhatsApp, kids don't use email. My kids are young adults now and have probably sent emails maybe 5 times in their entire lives.

He offered you a more personal method of communication - and you refused.

I would imagine he feels you rejected that more personal offer, thus rejecting a closer relationship with him and his dd and has withdrawn.

He isn't being "cruel" - he offered what was, to him, a big offer - and it was rejected.

What would I do? I would have seen the size of the gesture he was making giving even more direct and personal access, and tried ANYTHING to make it work, no matter how hard. Instead you said, "No, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to try to message, and I'm not going to talk to either of you."

He saw you were only willing to communicate on your terms, even though dgd wanted to talk to you, and he pulled the plug.

I know the name of her school, & could in theory e-mail them, but I’m not sure if that would be a good idea. Or if they could or would actually do anything.I could include a letter to DGD to tell her that Nana loves her & ask the school to pass it on.

The fact that this is what you leap to rather than trying to find a way to use your son’s very normal preferred way of communication for his child is very telling in itself.

You can use whatapp on a computer. You need to have the app also set up on your phone.

He's not being cruel, he has offered you contact via a method he is comfortable with for his young daughter, you haven't even tried, just put barriers up, and now you're painting your son as the bad guy.

Do not contact her school to pass on messages, they will send it via her dad and you probably won't have contact again.

There's so much technology available these days, there will absolutely be a way you can communicate via WhatsApp.

Get someone to show you how to use WhatsApp.
It's really, really easy.

Thanks for the replies.
However, I'm DEAF, & really can't use the 'phone.

In addition to the other advice, you can get Bluetooth compatible hearing aids that work with your phone.

Sorry, just saw your post about being deaf.

Okay, but you can type on Mumsnet, so you can type on WhatsApp?

It just sounds like excuses.

Being deaf is not a limiting factor in using WhatsApp. A very quick google search would tell you what.

You clearly don’t want to make any effort on your side, you just want to paint your son as the bad guy.

Do not contact her school to pass on messages, they will send it via her dad and you probably won't have contact again.

@PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt I'd be taking out a restraining order.

But you could use WhatsApp on a computer?

Same, honestly.

It's pretty telling that ops first train of thought is to try and gain contact via the school rather than find one of the many ways there are to use WhatsApp, the method which this young girls father is comfortable with.

I'm not sure how you think he's being 'cruel'.
Perhaps his reluctance to allow you unfettered access to his daughter is for a reason

You could easily use WhatsApp, as demonstrated many times on this thread but you seem reluctant, without valid reason

WhatsApp is written. You don’t have to talk.

I would think most deaf people use smartphones as a tool to navigate the hearing world at this point? Far from perfect, but the available apps must open up many ways of simplifying interactions that would have been next to impossible since so few hearing people know how to sign.