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Original poster

DS being cruel to DGD

72 replies

UnhappyNana · 28/04/2025 19:11

I live in U.K., my son lives in NZ.
We had a silly row over the ‘phone in 2009; the sort you think “how did that happen ?” I tried to make peace several times, but he didn’t want to know.

In 2014, he told my brother that he’d had a daughter with his partner; DB told me, but DS still didn’t want to know me. It was upsetting, but there was nothing I could do.
In Dec 2024, I got a text message out of the blue from DS. My 10 year-old DGD had apparently been nagging her Dad about getting in touch as she wanted to get to know me.
DS & I e-mailed regularly after that.He sent pics, told me about DGD, & then DGD & I started e-mailing using DS’s account.

It might sound a bit silly, but I fell in love with her. Nagging/persuading her Dad to get in touch with her DGM ! A peacemaker at 10 years old.

Anyway, DS wanted to use whatsapp, but I never agreed to it. He persisted, & I told him that I had arthritis in my hands that makes using a small keyboard or touch-screen difficult, slow, & full of typos.And also I’ve gone deaf, & avoid using the ‘phone as I cannot hear or understand very well.
He has stopped her using his e-mail account, but refuses to set up a separate account for her because ”she’s a child”. But she must have a ‘phone if he wanted us to use whatsapp, so why the reluctance for e-mail?
I suggested he set up an account for her on his computer & monitored it closely.
He hasn’t responded to my recent e-mails.
DGD thinks that Nana doesn’t want to talk to her, & is very upset. I don’t know what DS has said to her, but I doubt it’s accurate.
DGD splits her time between her parents, who have separated but live quite close to each other. I have no contact with her Mum, & doubt she would help as she was compliant in NC. My DB died, so he can’t intercede.

I’m so unhappy, & don’t know what I can do.My DS is being so cruel to his daughter.Her maternal GM died before she was born, maternal GF isn’t interested, she has one aunt who lives very far away.
So, she’s basically just got 2 parents who hate each other & no other relatives in contact.

I know the name of her school, & could in theory e-mail them, but I’m not sure if that would be a good idea. Or if they could or would actually do anything.I could include a letter to DGD to tell her that Nana loves her & ask the school to pass it on.

WWYD ?

OP posts:
NormasArse · 28/04/2025 19:49

If you can’t do it, take your laptop to the library and ask someone to help you set it up. You type messages in just the same way you type on here. You can send each other photos too.

It’ll be worth it!

Flossflower · 28/04/2025 19:55

UnhappyNana · 28/04/2025 19:36

Thanks for the replies.
However, I'm DEAF, & really can't use the 'phone.

I think you can get some sort of app that makes the phone go straight to a hearing aid. I know someone who is deaf and uses this. Ask your audiologist about it.

LadyRoughDiamond · 28/04/2025 19:59

Have you heard of WhatsApp web?

  1. set up WhatsApp on your phone
  2. next, go to your computer and google ‘Whatsapp web’ and open it in your browser
  3. go back to the app on your phone and click on the three dots at the top selecting ‘linked devices’
  4. next, select ‘link a device’ (green button)
  5. then scan the QR code given using your phone and your computer and WhatsApp on your phone will link up.
  6. you can then use your computer to WhatsApp.

Hope this helps

RedHelenB · 28/04/2025 20:00

I don't see how this is your sons fault really.

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 28/04/2025 20:08

LadyRoughDiamond · 28/04/2025 19:59

Have you heard of WhatsApp web?

  1. set up WhatsApp on your phone
  2. next, go to your computer and google ‘Whatsapp web’ and open it in your browser
  3. go back to the app on your phone and click on the three dots at the top selecting ‘linked devices’
  4. next, select ‘link a device’ (green button)
  5. then scan the QR code given using your phone and your computer and WhatsApp on your phone will link up.
  6. you can then use your computer to WhatsApp.

Hope this helps

This. This is literally the most sensible option

TheAmusedQuail · 28/04/2025 20:21

UnhappyNana · 28/04/2025 19:36

Thanks for the replies.
However, I'm DEAF, & really can't use the 'phone.

You can use Whatsapp on your laptop. To type. See attached screenshot of Whatsapp on my laptop.

Notimeforaname · 28/04/2025 20:26

Get WhatsApp then put it on your laptop. You can type then. All sorted.

OliveGoose · 28/04/2025 20:31

UnhappyNana · 28/04/2025 19:36

Thanks for the replies.
However, I'm DEAF, & really can't use the 'phone.

You can get WhatsApp on a desktop. Uses your phone number but comes to the application on your computer so you can used your keyboard to type :)

HopefulBeliever · 28/04/2025 20:31

WhatsApp can be used just like email. You can type on your phone or on the laptop using the web programme. This is what my dad uses as he struggles with his phone. Even easier than typing on WhatsApp. If you love her as much as you say you do, it will be well worth giving it a go. You’ll find it’s no different than email and an awful lot easier.

CaptainFuture · 28/04/2025 20:31

Hoplolly · 28/04/2025 19:37

Do not contact her school to pass on messages, they will send it via her dad and you probably won't have contact again.

@PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt I'd be taking out a restraining order.

Agree... and re We had a silly row over the ‘phone in 2009; the sort you think “how did that happen ?” I tried to make peace several times, but he didn’t want to know.

Wonder if the DS thought it was a 'silly row'.... @UnhappyNana how do you know how upset and brokenhearted she is, given no contact?..

GreenSkyes · 28/04/2025 20:45

You could reply with voice notes and she could type to you. I'm happy you reconnected, don't lose this opportunity.

Ottersmith · 28/04/2025 20:58

You can type with what's app like it's an email. And you can use WhatsApp on a laptop. What a strange hill to die on. Did you really fall out again over that? Get bloody WhatsApp on your laptop.

YourMerryKoala · 28/04/2025 21:04

Amazing people jumping to attack the OP completely ignoring the fact that she clearly didn't know you could use Whatsapp on a laptop and clearly stated that small screens are too painful to use due to ARTHRITIS.

If you do decide to go to the library as pps have said, btw, don't just assume that someone will necessarily be available there and then to help set you up with something personal on your laptop, but by all means enquire if there's an IT facilitator who can help with that sort of thing (if you need it).

Seems odd that son doesn't want to facilitate email contact any more - what's that about? I agree it seems odd that she's too young for email but not for a smart phone, in any case, hope you can come to an accommodation with communications that work for everyone.

ChatterMonkey · 28/04/2025 21:11

I would love to hear the other side to this story...

CarefulN0w · 28/04/2025 21:17

What do you think your DGD feels about you not using a normal and accessible form of communication?

It might not be your preferred method, but if you want a relationship with her in future, I think you need to try harder to use WhatsApp. Other posters have explained options for using voice notes, dictation or a computer. Do you think you could give it a go?

BigDeepBreaths · 28/04/2025 21:19

You can write an email and send it as an attachment on whatsapp??

Do tell your DGD that you wont be using it like others might ie: frquent fast pinging back and forth of messages, but that you’ll be using it more like email (this is also a perfectly normal way to use whatsapp). If she wants to stay in contact she should be happy with that.

GravyBoatWars · 28/04/2025 21:21

I agree it seems odd that she's too young for email but not for a smart phone, in any case, hope you can come to an accommodation with communications that work for everyone.

We have absolutely no idea whether the grand-daughter has a smart phone or any phone of her own at all. OP has assumed that solely because the son requested a switch from his email to whatsapp, but there's no reason the child couldn't use whatsapp on a computer or one of the father's devices. None of my DC have been allowed their own smart phones until a few years into secondary but even the 5 year old is getting to whatsapp with grandparents some now.

Posters are reacting (to some extent probably unconsciously) to some very dramatic language in OP's post and that's shaping the responses.

Edenmum2 · 28/04/2025 21:22

I think if it was that important to you then you would get over the hurdles to use WhatsApp. You can send voice notes or use the voice function which types out what you say. After all this time it’s another silly reason to lose contact

ClaredeBear · 28/04/2025 21:29

This is so sad! But as others have said, you can use WhatsApp on a desktop ☺️

TeenLifeMum · 28/04/2025 21:34

Like everyone says, use WhatsApp on your computer like posting on mn. It’s like emailing but to a number rather than an email address!

Schoolchoicesucks · 28/04/2025 21:46

It sounds as though you don't have her actual address, if you did (if your son gives it to you, or if you can try to send via the school or her mum) could you write letters to one another if he doesn't want you to use email directly to her? You could send cards, postcards etc.

I do agree with other posters that it is possible to use WhatsApp in a very similar way to email if you set it up on a tablet, laptop etc. You need to provide a phone number to validate amd set up initially but if you can find someone to help you with this, it should be possible.

Ughn0tryte · 28/04/2025 21:58

Email keeps you and your DGD safe because it's a record of communication between a child and an adult which can not be deleted by one side only.
WhatsApp can easily be erased. Video and voice notes can be misinterpreted (so too can emails but as they cannot be deleted as easily, it's far more safer).
With your DS, ur xDIL previously managing to go NC for over a decade, for so many of this little girls relatives to be so closely monitored... it's not a good idea.
Stand your ground and stick with email.

whitewineandsun · 28/04/2025 22:04

Going through her school wouldn't do any good for your relationship with your son. That's completely overstepping.

YourMerryKoala · 28/04/2025 22:05

GravyBoatWars · 28/04/2025 21:21

I agree it seems odd that she's too young for email but not for a smart phone, in any case, hope you can come to an accommodation with communications that work for everyone.

We have absolutely no idea whether the grand-daughter has a smart phone or any phone of her own at all. OP has assumed that solely because the son requested a switch from his email to whatsapp, but there's no reason the child couldn't use whatsapp on a computer or one of the father's devices. None of my DC have been allowed their own smart phones until a few years into secondary but even the 5 year old is getting to whatsapp with grandparents some now.

Posters are reacting (to some extent probably unconsciously) to some very dramatic language in OP's post and that's shaping the responses.

I think you need a mobile telephone number for WhatsApp even if you used a laptop hence why I assumed she had a smart phone. Perhaps she can use her father's number though.

Darkambergingerlily · 28/04/2025 22:08

Type into WhatsApp on laptop.

whatever you do don’t contact her school that’s weird

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